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:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl good ones

:wah: :wah:

Heh... the man of the house will absolutely love these... and so do I! :wah:

Who doesn't love a dirty joke??

Oh... here's one of my favorites. If you don't like blonde jokes, sorry in advance. :rolleyes:

Three women are standing in an elevator. They're all pregnant. One of them says, "You know, I read somewhere that you can tell the gender of the child by what position you conceived. We did it missionary, so I'm gonna have a boy."

The other one looks at her and says, "I was on top, so it must be a girl."

The two look at the third, a blonde, and wait for her reply.

She's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "Oh my God!! I'm having puppies!!!"

:wah: Too funny.

laneybug;603404 wrote: Heh... the man of the house will absolutely love these... and so do I! :wah:

Who doesn't love a dirty joke??

Oh... here's one of my favorites. If you don't like blonde jokes, sorry in advance. :rolleyes:

Three women are standing in an elevator. They're all pregnant. One of them says, "You know, I read somewhere that you can tell the gender of the child by what position you conceived. We did it missionary, so I'm gonna have a boy."

The other one looks at her and says, "I was on top, so it must be a girl."

The two look at the third, a blonde, and wait for her reply.

She's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "Oh my God!! I'm having puppies!!!"

:wah: Too funny.


:yh_rotfl not telling what I am having!

Sweet Tooth;603410 wrote: :yh_rotfl not telling what I am having!


puppies huh! :p

Soberano;603408 wrote: Can i add this one.





The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play

football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.



Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Arsenal with only 20 Minutes

left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.



The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game

for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the

media love the new star.



When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about

his first day in English football.



'Hello mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent.

'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we

won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'



'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were

ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters,

and all while you were having such great time.'



The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'



'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,



'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'


:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl



Bliddy brilliant!!

Soberano;603408 wrote: 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'


You're a monster, Soberano, and I didn't see that one coming at all.

Soberano;603408 wrote: Can i add this one.





The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play

football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.



Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Arsenal with only 20 Minutes

left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.



The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game

for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the

media love the new star.



When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about

his first day in English football.



'Hello mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent.

'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we

won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'



'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were

ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters,

and all while you were having such great time.'



The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'



'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,



'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'


i dont get it...

Pinky;603718 wrote: It means that Liverpool is a bit rough compared to Iraq.

According to Soberano, of course!:wah:




aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh ok.....:-5 :yh_rotfl

lol, I needed these laughs tonight

Two guys (of unspecified nationality :rolleyes: ) are cycling down a road when one of them gets off their bike and lets the tyres down. The other says, "What the ***** are you doing??"

He replies, "My seat was too high."

The other cyclist takes off his seat and handlebars and switches them around. His friend says, "And what are you doing?!"

He replies, "If you're going to be stupid then I'm off home"

I pulled an older woman at a pub last night.

She was a right sort for 54, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she

asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs "Mum you still awake?"

Soberano;605504 wrote: A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.



When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,



"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."



The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."



"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favours."



"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."



"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May i ask a question?"



"What, my son?"



"Should I tell her the war is over?"




honestly mate you could bring a tear to a glass eye :wah: :wah:

Uncle Kram;605499 wrote: I pulled an older woman at a pub last night.

She was a right sort for 54, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she

asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs "Mum you still awake?"




Soberano;605504 wrote: A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favours."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May i ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Yellow 24



A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over

and says,



"Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually

only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy

your final precious moments on earth."



So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him

to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her

before.



They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and

wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.



The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20

years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house

and the National Grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on

Earth!"



"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? - I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."



"******* me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well !!"