When a child 'disowns' her family

jana fraser · Post by **jana fraser** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 8:51 am

A colleauge of mine shared something with us on Friday. She often talked about her hubby and 2 sons but never spoke of a daughter. In fact we didn't know she had a daughter even though she's been working with us for almost a year. It was her birthday on Friday so we celebrated by getting her a cake and such and asked what her birthday plans were for the weekend. She told us her family was taking her out for dinner and buying her a digital camera so she can snap photos at will of her beautiful new grandaughter.

She teared up and told us the ONE thing she wanted for her birthday she won't be getting and that is for her 23 year old daughter to walk in the front door, write her or at least call her. ALmost a year to the day, her daughter told her she was removing herself from any contact with the entire family, moving in with her boyfriend and not to expect to hear from her ever again.

From what my friend says, her daughter had been seeing this fellow for about a year, he takes drugs, doesn't work and she has been paying off his bills and paying for his rent. Of course we want what is best for our kids and Betty (my colleague) and her hubby and the girls brothers voiced their concern and just worried about her being used and such. It is a rather long and sad story but bottom line, the girl stopped taking courses about a year ago, is now working two jobs and supporting this louse, packed all of her things and say goodbye forever.

How long is forever? Betty apparently went for counselling as she was heartbroken and the counsellor told her to keep the lines of communication open.. He advised ..to write to her daughter, be it once a day, once a week, once a month, whenever she felt the need. He said it wasn't as important she mail them as much as it was to get her feelings down on paper. Betty DOES mail her a letter the same date every month , has done so for a year and has never heard anything back. I was so saddened when I heard this, knowing how precious yet precarious all relationships are, including those we have with our own family. How something can snap and it all turn upside down for some.

I hope I never have to experience anything like this. I look at my girls and get choked up thinking they'd ever do something similar and if they did , would I react as Betty did? Stoically going through each day, never stopping loving her and always with a candle burning waiting for her to return home, no matter what was said the day she moved out. I'd like to think yes I could do the same but hope I never have to,.

ANyway sorry for rambling, just found myself wondering about her today and hoping tomorrow she tells us the girl picked up the phone and at least told her she was in her thoughts.:-1

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:04 am

Hi Jana,

It's so hard being a parent, we all want the best for our kids no matter how old they are, I know if i'd of been in your friend's position i'd of done the same thing. I do think the daughter will get in touch but when she's ready. She will get to a stage in her life when she'll get sick of supporting a lazy bum, and she'll realise that her family were only trying to look out for her. All you can do is be there for your friend and support her, which it sounds like your doing :-6

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:29 am

Jana..sorry to hear that. Sadly, forever will be till either the guy dumps her, or she dumps him. Then suddenly she will want back into the family.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 1:11 pm

there are two sides to every story, im not saying your friend is a liar jana but as ive got older i have felt its important to hear the whole story before being judgemental

eg: my mothers version of events & mine are very different :-2

cars · Post by **cars** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 4:28 pm

buttercup;444418 wrote: there are two sides to every story, im not saying your friend is a liar jana but as ive got older i have felt its important to hear the whole story before being judgemental

eg: my mothers version of events & mine are very different :-2

Sorry for your friend jana. But have to agree with BC, in fact there are "3" sides to every story. jana's friend's side, the Daughter's side, and then there's the truth! There's nothing sader than a "family" that doesn't get along, and especially when it comes to stop talking & not seeing one another! The longer the alienation, the harder to (If at all) reconcile!

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:10 pm

Very good Flop, I agree completely.

The girl / young lady has to learn, explore, experience it all on her own.

She may love this guy and will do anything to stay together & be happy - until she gets her stomach full and says B.S., and moves on.

She may be with this guy just to rebel - either way, all the family can do is be Patient - all in time.

I can relate to the young lady - I also have a strong will..

Patsy

jana fraser · Post by **jana fraser** » Mon Oct 30, 2006 4:23 am

I thank you all for your responses and agree with all of them. Yes there are in fact 3 sides to the story..somewhere between where my friend's version and her daughter's version will be what really happened and what really was said.

As said too , the girl is not 14 but an adult making adult decisions. ...and as an adult we are equally capable of making a wrong as well as a right decision. If this fellow is as bad a seed as my friend says, then for the daughter's sake I do hope sooner rather than later she realizes this on her own and reflects on the fact her family has left the door open to come home. I hope pride does not keep her from doing so.

Anything is possible in this life. Perhaps too, this fellow has turned his life around, perhaps he is good to her and they are good for one another (again, ANYTHING is possible) Even given that, I would like to think the girl would reach out to her family once again to reassure them that she is happy, healthy and that this man is not whom/what they believe him to be.

Sadly, I'm not so certain that even if that is possible that this is the case. So more than anything, as a mother myself, I hope one day the phone rings at Betty's house and it is her daughter saying Mom I'm coming home or Mom can I see you? or simply Mom I love you.

It is not about guilt or recriminations or 'I told you so's" It is about making choices in our life, sometimes they work out , sometimes they don't. If I had a dollar for every bad choice I made in my life....well.....I'd have more than a few dollars ...

Thanks again everyone for 'listening' and offering your words. They do help!