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The Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.



As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

An Angelic Pun



An angel went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."

St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"

The angel answered, "I like to dance."

"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."

"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.

The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."

St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?"

"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."

The Doc

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

:yh_rotfl :yh_giggle :yh_youkid

KERMIT JAGGER





A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that she will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says........."

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?!!)

Apologies to Mary Poppins

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis !

(An oldie but it still tickles!)

It's very comfortable on Eurostar, but it's Murder on the Orient Express

Wendybird wrote: Two fish swimming along a river.

One bumps into a brick wall.

Turns to the other fish and says......



Dam! :rolleyes:


:wah: :wah: Like it bendybird!

Uncle Kram wrote: It's very comfortable on Eurostar, but it's Murder on the Orient Express


Welcome Master of the Golden Puns!

HI-HO SILVER AWAAAAAAAAY






The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down".

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and began running circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?

"The Lone Ranger says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your Injun running!"

THE GREEN GODDESS



A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since

my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last

month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week

for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

" Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a

gorgeous, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's

eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in

front of the Priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and

dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

A women has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"

Two boll weevils grew up in SC. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils. :wah:

If you pushed your own naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder?

B) suicide? or

C) simply making an obscene clone fall?

The Commuter

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

The Las Vegas Monks




This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino ! chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

There was a person who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!

You guys crack me up. I love puns.