Handy hints
Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 6:40 am
* If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.
* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.
* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
* Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.
* Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into
it, before jumping in.
* Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
* Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
* An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
* Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit
slower.
* Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
* Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made
aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a
nice steak.
* Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first,
and then read the rest in random order.
* A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep.
* Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with
whom you disagree.
* Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your
feet twice on each stair.
* At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
* Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's
interested in is seeing you starkers.
* Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
* AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe'
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
* OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and address of people you don't know.
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.
* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.
* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
* Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.
* Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into
it, before jumping in.
* Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
* Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
* An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
* Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit
slower.
* Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
* Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made
aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a
nice steak.
* Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first,
and then read the rest in random order.
* A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep.
* Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with
whom you disagree.
* Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your
feet twice on each stair.
* At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
* Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's
interested in is seeing you starkers.
* Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
* AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe'
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
* OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and address of people you don't know.
