ForumGarden

why is it that once you move in with someone everything starts turning to crap?

we saw more of eachother when we lived apart than we do now. is this normal? i don't remember it being like this with the last woman i shacked up with. but all we did was frump like bunnies. absolutely NO substance.

we bickered before, but it was over silly things and we both knew it was silly. it made the "arguements" fun. and it gave us a reason to have make-up sex. :sneaky:

but recently things have become strained. and i don't know why. or maybe i know, i just don't know that i know. ya' know?

we deffinately had naked time more often when living alone. i'm not sure why that is.(man that's some p!ss-poor grammar)

somehow our little disagreements have gone from, "honey, where's my sock?"

to

"Keep the SWAT team away from the door! I swear to Christ I'll shoot her and the F-ing cat! and where the HELL's my sock?"why? is this normal? am i shooting par for the course? it sure doesn't feel like it.

i know all relationships have rough spots, but we've been living together for little more than a month and it's already getting strained.

the big thing that sent me to the couch this past monday was child discipline.

the kids listen to me. they don't fart around when i tell them to pick up or sit down or what ever. When she tells them those things they keep running around. and she has to yell and threaten spankings to get them in line.

Now the kids weren't always like this. they used to listen. but gramma spoiled them. After her and her Ex split up she moved home with her folks. Mom would say "no" and Alyssa(4) figured out real quick that gramma would say "yes." and Austin(2) picked it up right after Alyssa.

She just gets frustrated when i get them to do stuff and that i can keep them behaved at home. and out in public too. but at family get togethers with Uncles&Aunts and cousins they are holy terrors. but of course they are, they're 2 and 4. they are gonna go a little berserk. and i'm good with that.

and for the record, i don't spank. Mom does that. if needed.

she gets so mad when the kids listen to me and not to her. i rarely have to say anything more than twice. and if i stand up, they are all in order.

I thinks it's because I'm so damn big. i mean, my shoe is bigger than BOTH their heads.

but something else has happened. between "us." i kind of feel like i have gone from fiance to roommate. and of course if feel like that, we aren't sleeping in the same bed at the moment.

she did come out wednesday and curl up on the hide-a-bed with me. that was nice.

I know she has a lot going on with her classes. she's got a truly messed up schedule this semester. M,W,F she has morning class. Tu and Th she interns at teh hospital from 2pm to 11pm. so she's running on hardly any sleep.

i'm a lazy bum currently. it's been raining for the last 5 days so i can't get in the fields. so i bum around home.

i don't do laundry right, but it gets done. I don't wash the dishes correctly, but i do wash them. For crying out loud, i put pants on when i vacuum.

i take the kids to daycare so she doesn't have to get up an hour earlier to get them ready.

i'm trying to take some of the strain off her busy schedule. and that just seems to honk her off. WHY?!?? i'm helping, aren't I? Hell, today i picked the kids up from daycare and took them to the Zoo and we went and saw CARS at the dollar theater. it was a blast. we got home and they went right to bed. no whining to stay up or to have a cookie or anything.

she has a big project due so i thought i'd give her some "alone" time. so now she feels like she is ignoring her kids. she's a great Mom. if she weren't, she wouldn't be trying to finish her degree. she wouldn't feel bad that she doesn't get to spend time with them.

"You have $hit to do, i'm here to help. Hello?" Trust me, if i didn't want to do this, i wouldn't.

she has been busting her ass and "going it alone" for so long, i don't think she knows how to let someone help her.

but maybe i am doing it wrong. i don't know.

and i'm not tooting my own horn about all the stuff i do either. so get that out of your head right now.

God, i hate that fricking pull-out. my feet hang off the end(the edge hits me at teh ankles) the bar hits me right across the ass. i miss my bed dammit.

i honestly think she has a more conservative view of the Man/Woman dynamic than i do. and i'm pretty old fashioned.

i know she's stressed. i know she's freaking out about the wedding. even tho she doesn't want it until 2008 for cripes sake. i want it Sept next year.

i already have me groom's men, the ring barer, and ushers.

I have 2 best men. is that weird? i don't think so.

I have my two best friends as the best men, Joe and Ben. the others are Steve(budda-boy), Cody, and my Dad

my ushers are my sister's hubby and her brother Chuck. My nephew Noah is the ring barer. i am all kinds of revved up for this. can you tell??

ok i'll stop ranting for now.

flopstock wrote: you two need to date. him and her time that does not focus on you getting some:rolleyes: . get someone to watch the kids and you take her for iced cream or something ...just the two of you.



make the time now;create the routine of him and her alone time.. connecting time, without the kids. it's important that you don't lose the couple while becoming a family sweetie...trust me I know.
i know! that's what i have said to her. that we need "us" time. but she thinks that she is imposing on anyone to watch the kids. wtf. it wasn't a problem when we first started dating, so why is it now?

that turned into a big ol' fight. and i don't fight well. people i care about start yelling at me and i shut down. i have NO problem yelling at complete strangers, but loved ones....

It's OK to rant, healthy. It sounds like your fiancee is pretty focused, sometimes a routine starts, rut, and I hate that.

I agree with Flop, you have to have date time - just you two - it's a must. And get back into your bed, that indicates some what a stubborn, brat attitude, and probably alittle hurt , get back into the bed. That distance wouldn't help.

It's tough living within the whole kid - family enviorment - compared to just dating, meeting eachother at certain times etc.. It's tough with kids. And maybe she's taking on too much right now, sure the degree is important, so is the relationship. She's just stressed - things don't have to be perfect - laundry - cleaning - that's petty and inmaterial.

Please talk to her, communication is so important, I know you love her dearly, you want to be appreciated etc. calmly explain how you feel.

Everything will work out.

Patsy

You know what? I think you two are going to be just fine. LOL! Just been a month? Sounds like you two have been married for ages!

I've been through the school thing. It's really a strain on relationships for some reason. Just hang in there.

It sounds like you really love this woman. You guys are just adjusting. Thats normal. Pretty soon you will be back in your bed again. She misses you there. Dont fret. All will be well soon.

How long has she had to be superwoman?













She's the boss. She's in charge. She's the Momma, dammit! I can understand the frustration of someone stepping in and being so effective.



When your "new" wears off, those kids are gonna tie you in knots. Then your relationship with your fiance' should improve. :p

hey logan from a guys point of view just dump her



nah just kidding my partner has 2 kids and to be honest mate your damned if you do and damned if ya dont



in other words she tells off ankle biters you say nothing your wrong she has to do it all alone , if you think i'll help out and put your 2 cents worth in your wrong she can sort her own kids your butting in and picking on them



so my advice is make friends with the kids they will behave coz they like you and want to get on with you , they be good you take em out and treat em they be bad you dont ,that works most of the time



as for the sex thing the more you keep asking the more preasure she feels the more she backs off ,the more she backs off the more you feel frusteratad the you keep askin asking its a circle that has to be broken and as a guy its hard (cher and suzy just no) but dont confuse good sex with love its different for women



hope my advice helps out from proffeser x 's stunt double

jimbo wrote: (cher and suzy just no)


Jimbo

When you say this

I have to laugh

because my twin sister's name is Susie

so it just makes me smile more

Everyone's given you great advice! And I agree with it all. She;s used to doing everything for herself, and trust me it's hard to hand the reigns over or even share them with someone else.

But the most important issue is communication, and "couple time". You guys definatly need date time. If she refuses to find a babysitter, you do it and surprise her when she gets home with a date.

Everyone is always telling me that the kids eventually grow up and leave home, your spouse doesn't so it's important to keep that relationship alive.

It's much easier for "us" to say things about this than it is for you to

live through it. But I think you have the gist of what it will take to

make this better, and I think it WILL get better, if that gives you some

hope.



The only thing I would add to what others have said is: You've GOT

to present a united front with those kids. Talk with each other first.

From what you have told us, it sounds a little bit like you are still

the good guy, and mom the disciplinarian. Change that right now, if

it is in fact the case.



You've got several different stressors here, and that's no good for

anyone. See what you can do to eliminate them or at least tone

them down somewhat.



You've got your wedding ideas set-up already, good!! Just chill on

that whole thing for now, there's PLENTY of time.



>

hope everything turns out ok for you, Wolfie! :yh_hugs :yh_hugs

I think perhaps she feels as if she is losing control. . . but mostly over the children. There you are doing all the things she used to do, and I'm sure she appreciates it, but now her kids only listen to you. What's left for her? Why come home at all? You've got everything under control and she doesn't feel needed.

Be sure that when you discipline the children you say, "Your mother said for you to sit down, now do as she says", "Your mother said to stop running in the house, you listen to your mother". Things like that.

When they do as their told, even if it's you telling them, by putting it to them in that way, she is a part of the conquest of the children. And it teaches them that you will not tolerate them not listening to her.

Go back to the bed, whether she likes it or not. If she pulls away from you, wait until she is asleep and snuggle with her and have her wake up with your arms around her. Hard to be peeved with someone who is asleep and still loving you! :wah:

Be an inchworm, a little loving at a time until you reach your goal. :-4

How long has she had to be superwoman?













She's the boss. She's in charge. She's the Momma, dammit! I can understand the frustration of someone stepping in and being so effective. yeah, already got that part figured out.



When your "new" wears off, those kids are gonna tie you in knots. Then your relationship with your fiance' should improve. :p
that didn't help. but thanks for the effort.

911 wrote: I think perhaps she feels as if she is losing control. . . but mostly over the children. There you are doing all the things she used to do, and I'm sure she appreciates it, but now her kids only listen to you. What's left for her? Why come home at all? You've got everything under control and she doesn't feel needed.

Be sure that when you discipline the children you say, "Your mother said for you to sit down, now do as she says", "Your mother said to stop running in the house, you listen to your mother". Things like that.that is exactly what i do. "what did your mom tell you?"

911 wrote:

When they do as their told, even if it's you telling them, by putting it to them in that way, she is a part of the conquest of the children. And it teaches them that you will not tolerate them not listening to her.

Go back to the bed, whether she likes it or not. If she pulls away from you, wait until she is asleep and snuggle with her and have her wake up with your arms around her. Hard to be peeved with someone who is asleep and still loving you! :wah: i did that last night after coming in here. and it IS like my sig says, "Nothing says I love you like ....."

Pinky wrote: All you can do is talk it out...assure her that you are there because you love her.

Say how you want things to be.

I'm not sure I'm the best person to give advice, but I'll try my best...

Having no kids myself, I have no idea how hard it is, but I know how hard it is being married sometimes.

Please, only take this step if you are one hundred percent, absolutely sure about it.

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have done it.
that's cuz you hadn't met me yet.

i know! that's what i have said to her. that we need "us" time. but she thinks that she is imposing on anyone to watch the kids. wtf. it wasn't a problem when we first started dating, so why is it now?


If she doesn't want to impose on anyone by asking them to watch the kids, why don't YOU get someone to watch them? Take her some place that you two always had fun at before. You 2 definately need "us" time. Good luck!:-6

Hey buddy...

I wish I had the answer for ya. But I dont know if there is one right answer. You both (and the kids) got tossed into a brand new deal and I think your just going to have to wing it.

If I can give you any advice it would be to relax. Your wound up tighter than sneezers ***** ! Relax. If you have a spat, its just a spat, dont treat it like a do or die situation. Also give in once in awhile even if your in the right. Not because its easier but because you care about your new family and winning isnt that great if it hurts someone or strains your relationship.

And get off the damn cot ! Stand up and walk in the bedroom and throw that woman down on the bed....rip her clothes off, pull her hair back and mount her like you own her.

Nuff said.

And get off the damn cot ! Stand up and walk in the bedroom and throw that woman down on the bed....rip her clothes off, pull her hair back and mount her like you own her.

Nuff said.



++++++++++++++++++ OHHHHHH. You are SO gonna' bite it for that remark! (Standing back......)

Pinks & I are only being nice because Nomad's been away. Clearly, he left his mind behind when he returned.

Nomad wrote: mount her like you own her.

Nuff said.


I LOVE IT!

Pinky wrote: Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have done it.


Pinky

That makes me sad for you :-1

Did you choose the wrong person or is marriage just *not* for you? :-6

Nomad wrote: Hey buddy...

If I can give you any advice it would be to relax. Your wound up tighter than sneezers ***** !


A sneezers what? I don't think I've ever heard that expression. Please tell! :wah:



And get off the damn cot ! Stand up and walk in the bedroom and throw that woman down on the bed....rip her clothes off, pull her hair back and mount her like you own her.

Nuff said.


Phew! Anybody got any ice? Is it hot in here or is it just me?