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Normal Behavior to the circumstances, it happens all the time. Its always difficult to seperate from a first love, it is normal, i believe every-one goes through this at least once in their lives. With re-assurance from a parent the event of seperation is easier, the insecure have a hard time... :-1 we know when our kids are miserable, i always ask questions and offer help, any way i can... :-1

[QUOTE=lucy123]

1. Would you consider this to be normal behaviousr given the circumstances?

2. If not, what is understandable behaviour when a long term relationship breaks up?

3. Do you think the woman is weak because she can't move on with her life?



I don't know if I'd say it's "normal behavior" but it is very common behavior. I wouldn't say the woman is weak, but she is insecure. Some people can move on with their lives while others darn near become stalkers. After 5 years, she sees him as her security blanket. She knows she needs to move on, may want to, but is afraid to give up her security. Hope this helps.

Age? *gulp* Way to close to 44.

lucy123 wrote:

Questions



1. Would you consider this to be normal behaviousr given the circumstances?

2. If not, what is understandable behaviour when a long term relationship breaks up?

3. Do you think the woman is weak because she can't move on with her life?


Hi Lucy. Out of curiousity, what degree are you working towards?



#1) I think it's pretty normal for two people to have completely different reactions to a traumatic event, like a breakup. I think it's normal, too, for the "blame" factor to be happening. Most people don't want to inflict pain on another person and to be continually reminded of it changes feelings of tenderness and pain to guilt, anger, and eventually dislike or disrespect.



#2) This isn't a real question. We can understand lots of behaviors but still call them unacceptable. You may want to slug an annoying coworker and anyone can understand that, but you don't because it's not in our cultural norm.



In this case, although we can all understand how hurt and lost the woman must be feeling, she does not have the "right" to continually impose herself on someone who has asked for space or time out. If we reversed the situation and the man kept contacting the woman, we'd call it stalking and harrassment.



The woman can use this very painful experience as a life lesson. She must learn to find herself so that she can withstand loss. She must learn to accept a life that didn't quite go the way she planned it because it won't be the last time life plans change.



She will find strength inside of herself that she didn't know she had, and she can have a wonderful time finding out who she is, what she wants, and where she'd like to go next. Although this may not be what she wanted to do, it's what she has so she needs to hunt for the positive and make the best of it.



The man...well, I don't know what he will learn. Maybe he will learn to recognize love when he sees it, and one day he might grasp what he's lost. Perhaps this will help him to place a higher value on love rather than take it for granted. Hopefully he will find enough grace and kindness within himself to be honest with her as he completely closes off the relationship.



#3. No. I think she is strong in her feelings, honest with herself about those feelings, and brave enough to pursue what she feels is right even in the face of repeated rejection. I think she should feel good about those things. Her love is powerful.



However, she cannot make another person want what she wants, or feel what she feels. When she realizes this, she will be able to let go and stop contacting him. She will go through the phases of grief - depression, anger, and finally peace (there's another step in there, but I forget what it is).



If she truly goes through all of these steps, then she probably won't take him back even if he wants to reunite later on. She'll have grown beyond him, and she will never trust that he values her as much as she deserves. If nothing else, I hope she walks away with a keen sense of knowing her own worth and that she will not settle for less than what she is willing to give back.



I hope this helps you. If you'd like to continue discussing it, please let us know. The first heartbreak is a monster, but we do survive it. My age is almost 40.

I remember my first love was in my life for several years after we broke up, I still see him now when I go home, but we don't talk... I always have a feeling that when we look into each others eyes he can see into my soul (that's even to this day), freaks me out now.

I have never felt weak about this feeling, I see it as we still have something there, if we didn't we would both be able to maintain eye contact and speak to each other.

lucy123 wrote: ...but my main study is on the behavioural differences between men and women in diferent social situations.
Lucy, that's a mighty long title...If it can't fit on a business card, what's the point of having it? :wah:

lucy123 wrote: Hi everyone,

I'm conducting an experimental case study for my graduate program and was wondering if anyone would mind reading the following information and answering the questions. It would really help me out.

Two people have been together for 5 years since they were 18. They have been deeply in love. Sexually they are each other's firsts. This has brought them a level of intimacy and friendship which they believed was inachievable in any other situation. However, the relationship breaks up because at separate times both people are aware that they need to be single at some point in their adult lives. The man copes by not contacting the woman and by closing his feelings down as soon as they begin. The woman doesn't cope. She calls him constantly. She cannot figure out a future without him. She cannot accept that the relationship is over. She knows that they have been best friends for the entirety of the relationship and she wants that status to be maintained, hence the frequent calls. She feels that if she keeps the closeness then the relationship may be resurrected. He feels her pain and wants to be their for her, but equally he feels open to meeting and sleeping with other people. Her neediness is also making him feel guilty and pressurised. He even feels pity for her.

The woman believes she is weak because she can't get over the relationship. Three months after the split she is still talking to him virtually everyday. She believes they are meant to be together.

Questions

1. Would you consider this to be normal behaviousr given the circumstances?

2. If not, what is understandable behaviour when a long term relationship breaks up?

3. Do you think the woman is weak because she can't move on with her life?



Thanks to everyone that answers. The way I am conducting this survey is an experiment in itself so I hope it goes ok. If you don't mind leaving your age when you answers these questions i would really appreciate it.

Thanks for your helpI would find the behavior to be normal. Reactions to breakups depend on so many factors. Age of people involved, Self esteem, Spiritual beliefs ex... believing meant to be together..... Party suffering having other areas in life to focus on. School, work, children, family, It has been amazing for me to discover that even today there are still young people whose entire focus in life is one relationship. When we all have so many options. Males behavior is not surprising at all. It seems to be in their genes to be able to erase and walk away. The female is not weak, she is female. However she still needs

help to be able to close the door. Friends etc..... New focus in life. The subject your working on is fascinating...very complex. needs to be explored

As I am sure you have noted, only women have responded so far. Interesting behaviour difference that I think is typical. I have a problem with the scenario/questions. Did they not mutually agree to break up? Was it not for the purpose of being single with the idea that it would enhance their relationship if they choose to get together again? If it was mutual, then the woman is not behaving "normally". If she agreed that she needed to be single as well then she should not be pining for him until she had done the single thing and found that she was still drawn to the man. The scenario actually points to the man wanting to fool around before gaining a ball and chain. This would be a fairly normal behaviour except that they are supposed to have talked it out and supposedly are making an intellectual decision. It doesn't quite mesh. Also, sleeping around will not provide the man with the experience of being single/alone. Again it seems that the original decision is not the truth of the scenario. As far as weakness goes, is the man weak for being unable to commit? If he seriously wants to be single and learn about himself he wouldn't be running out to look for another bedbuddy. If the woman wanted to learn about herself, she wouldn't be trying to win him back so soon. It seems there is weakness all around. They probably broke up out of fear/weakness. It is hard to make a decision when so many factors must be guessed at.

I am 34.