Is it ever okay to hit your girlfriend ?

BlueFig · Post by **BlueFig** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:53 am

I'm afraid that I may have to run screaming from my boyfriend of almost 4 years. Im almost 30, he's almost 40.

He used to seem perfect & still has a lot of surface charm to those who only know him superficially ( handsome, seemingly devout Catholic, Mensa iq, witty and draws 6plus figure salary)

He used to seem deep & caring to me, but I'm afraid he has much darkness in him.

I feel utterly duped. I consider myself to be pretty savvy girl, but I think he may have fooled me for years into thinking he's a good guy at heart.

1.- He expects me to do his laundry, mail his bills, pick up his medicine, do his laundry, buy or make his dinner and wake him up/bring him coffee every day. He makes a lot more money than me and won't pay me back for all these expenses unless I beg him repeatedly.

And then he will only pay me back about 50% of the costs (we don't live together)

Strike 1

2.- I'm 5'5 125 lbs and he's says he'd like me better and be more interested in marrying me if I weighed 110-115.

He constantly lusts after girls on TV and in Movies & on the street who appear to be only 16-18. He has even said how hot he finds his friends daughters who are just turning 18 (he thought they were hot at 15) Strike 2

Also women whom I think are healthy and attractive he calls chubby and chunky. Such as Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson.

He trys and tells me that all men really want skinny women and they only settle for 'fleshy' women.

3.- Lastly & most disturbing he has gotten physical shoving me or throwing things at me when I stand up for myself. And even when I would try and appease him he would continue shoving me or slaping me on the head. But he was never so berserk that he left a mark.

Finally after he grabbed at my throat one Xmas eve, I broke up with him.

He never apologised but said he missed me and we ended back together. He hasnt done that in 2 years. But he has threatened repeatedly to hit me or throw things at me if I 'annoy him' or am 'disrespectful'

Yesterday I was telling him how I had witnessed a woman getting beat several years ago and how I happened to run into her again and was glad to see she was now happy and married.

My boyfriend's reaction stunned me. He told me that most of the times women who are hit DESERVE it. He then added that I deserved it in the past. I was in shock and asked him if he was kidding.

He said no and that some women deserve to be beaten and any time I "think that he may or may not have beat me" I did something to deserve it.

It's so disturbing that I can still like a lot about him when he has such a depraved side to him.

I think my biggest problem is that for the first year or so he was the best friend ever and it's hard for me to swallow that it was just a figment of my imagination and that person never really existed. That he was just pretending to be my soultwin.

I'm still mourning the man who never was and wishing he'd come back.

Should I just leave him right away ?

We don't live together and my condo is almost sold so I will have a bit of money to move away. (He always tells me that he might go ballistic if he had to watch me date in this town)

Its just difficult because some family and friends and a priest whom I spoke with all think if I try hard enough, pray and love him enough that he will act better. :-5

But in my gut & heart I don't agree.

That's why Im desperately looking for outside 3rd party sage advice.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:04 am

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. The question that is your title nearly floored me...I thought it was from a guy.

Let me repeat myself here: LEAVE HIM NOW!!!!! I am going to bump a couple of threads for you to read, I think they are important for you. I also think you know what you have to do, you just want to hear someone say it. I'm saying it: GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!!

I went through 5 years of out-and-out beatings. Guess how they started? Almost identically to your situation. He began to get aggressive, he was blatantly thoughtless, he would say idiotic things like "Some women deserve to get hit", and he would order me around like a servant, not a partner.

Blue, I am telling you now, you are putting your very life in grave danger if you stay with this "man." This will only turn out bad, I can feel it in my bones. Try and break up with him, see what happens. I bet you a million dollars that he does not accept it, and says something to the effect of, "I'LL say when this relationship is over."

In fact, better yet, just break off all contact with him immediately. Dammit, why do women need to be told these things are wrong?? And at 30 years old??? What makes you think you don't deserve way, WAY better than the sh!t this a$$hole is giving you????

Watch for a thread called "Domestic Violence 2", I'm going to bump it right now.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:16 am

phew thats quite a post for a first one, br & pinky seem to have it covered

welcome to the garden bluefig

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:30 am

Its just difficult because some family and friends and a priest whom I spoke with all think if I try hard enough, pray and love him enough that he will act better.

I went back to re-read. I guarantee you, you can love, try and pray till you're blue in the face and it won't change one single thing about this guy. The potential for danger here is so incredible....I know you don't see it, but it's there. Please....PLEASE get away from this person.

The only person that can change him, is HIM. And I also guarantee you that he doesn't see a single thing wrong with the way his mind works.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:30 am

Hello BlueFig, my name is Cher:-6

Looks like I'm the 3rd woman here to have 'tolerated' this kind of behavior from a man. You don't yet have the pleasure of knowing Baby Rider or Pinky, but I can tell you that we are THREE STRONG WOMEN who put up with the same kind of crap as you have.

I tell you this so you don't believe you are a weak person undeserving of love and kindness from a man.

Use the three of us as a model of changed behavior, if you will. Each of us is now happily married to a loving, kind, respectful man.

Get out! You can do it.

We did.

And look at us now!:)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:53 am

cherandbuster wrote: Hello BlueFig, my name is Cher:-6

Looks like I'm the 3rd woman here to have 'tolerated' this kind of behavior from a man. You don't yet have the pleasure of knowing Baby Rider or Pinky, but I can tell you that we are THREE STRONG WOMEN who put up with the same kind of crap as you have.

I tell you this so you don't believe you are a weak person undeserving of love and kindness from a man.

Use the three of us as a model of changed behavior, if you will. Each of us is now happily married to a loving, kind, respectful man.

Get out! You can do it.

We did.

And look at us now!:)
That is a great post, Cher. I love the last line the best, "Look at us now", because I can tell you one thing: if I had NOT gotten out, there never would have been a BR, he would have killed me without a doubt.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:58 am

BabyRider wrote: if I had NOT gotten out, there never would have been a BR, he would have killed me without a doubt.

what's that saying

"that which does not break us makes us stronger"

*hopes BlueFig gets out before she's broken*:yh_hugs

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:20 am

Is it ever okay to hit your girlfriend ?
In a word? NEVER!

Should I just leave him right away ?
In a word? YES. Oh hell yes.

Been there, done that, never again. Love means never having to live in fear of getting hit.:-5

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:23 am

Peg wrote: In a word? NEVER!

In a word? YES. Oh hell yes.

Been there, done that, never again. Love means never having to live in fear of getting hit.:-5
Here's another perfect example of the kind of woman Cher is talking about, Blue. Yup, Peg has been through it, too. A whole slew of us here have been there, done that. Learn from our mistakes, AND our successes.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:29 am

This is my second marriage. It'll be 20 years in December. Not once in those 20 years have I ever felt threatened by my husband. I learned from the first one to never settle for less than I deserve. Noone ever deserves to live in fear. I've always said, if one person learns from what I went through, it'll have made it worth it. I was one of the lucky ones who came out alive.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:56 am

BabyRider wrote: Learn from our mistakes, AND our successes.

AMEN!!

I'll say it again

Girlfriends Rule:-4

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:01 am

LEAVE....YESTERDAY!!!

No it is never OK to hit your significant other. And that goes for the women who hit thier men! Verbal, emotional physical..no abuse is OK to stay with.

I bring up, again, the story of an ex boyfriend of mine..the man I dated before Rick. He had scars on one arm which he said came from his wife's dog attacking him for no reason. Come to find out...the dog attacked him to protect the wife..who he was beating!

This guy's brother came to me one day and politely told me to leave him, for my own good. I left.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 5:38 am

After being in a long marriage where I was hit many times, and on occasions locked in, I was sometimes afraid that eventually, I might retaliate for the first time and not be able to stop. Came close a couple of times I must confess. .

The ultimate irony?.... when we split up she told anyone who would listen that she'd been offered a place in a shelter!!

At the end of the day, you already know the answer. No-one needs to endure that sh1t forever.

No...it's not ok

charity2k4 · Post by **charity2k4** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 6:05 am

Hi BlueFig, Welcome to the group, i wish that it would be under happier circumstances.

Its obvious his abusing you in every way, financially, emotionally, physically and slowly eroding your sense of self worth and esteem. Do you really have to ask the question "is it okay to hit your girlfriend ? Deep within yourself you already know the awnser don't you.

It seems like your looking back at the past at what you thought you had and now the rose coloured glasses are off, dealing with the reality of the type of person your with is 'painful' for you. Reality is a bitter pill to swallow at the best of times. Dont be harsh on yourself there are many layers to people and they sometimes take time to show their hidden charactistics, but people leave clues. We just choose to sometimes ignore them.

Whatever your family and friends are telling you, this is not the best situation to display character traits of patience and tolerance just to maintain and keep a relationship .

As stated before the only person that has the ability to implement change is in the individual themselves. The individual has to have the desire to do this. I hasten to add that the first process of undergoing change is to accept responsibility for your own actions. He is not showing any evidence of that. Nor am i suggesting you stay should he start saying that he will do so. Too many women fall into that trap of believing men will change..some do so only until the next time. This serves to create a pattern of abuse, within the relationship. The men/ abuser learns no consequences.

He has no regrets over his past and present behaviour, only humilates you further by justifying it and using the opinion that all other men think and behave just like him is utter bull$h%!*. Thats his way of creating a certain mindset, that you can not get better than him and keeping you within his control by the 'threat' of further physical abuse.

There are definitely positives to your situation, you do not live with him, you are not married and you are financially independent. That makes it a lot easier for you to go separate ways if you choose to do so. The choice is ultimately yours to make.

i've seen far too many women say they want to do something then stay exactly as they are. I hope you don't do that, you have spent four years of your life with this "man ," how many more years are you going to invest..? I truly believe that everyone deserves to be happy, you are obviously not. So dont put any barriers in your way to prevent happiness from entering into your life and staying within the relationship your in now.

Sending a big hug your way Be strong

Charity

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 6:30 am

I didnt even have to read the whole post. BR and Pinky have experience with this and you should listen to them. GET OUT!

Dont you love yourself more than that? The only person that is going to be there for BlueFig is BLUEFIG. Take care of yourself FIRST!

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 6:38 am

I totally agree with BR, physical abuse doesn't just "work itself out," it gets worse and worse. Get out now!!:(

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:24 am

You need to get away from him and also your so called friends. He's already got you thinking that maybe it is OK for him to hit you.

(He always tells me that he might go ballistic if he had to watch me date in this town)

sorry quote thingy isn't working for some reason.

If you are not going out with him what business is it of his if you go out with someone else?

Stop seeing him before your self confidence goes altogether

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:32 am

Has anyone heard from BlueFig? I note there have been no more posts after this first one.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 5:11 pm

I didn't read the previous advice, so I apologize if it's redundant.

The only reason you should stay is if you're big/strong/good enough to kick his ass. If you're not able to drop him with one punch, you should just drop him and run.

Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. If he's doing any of these, it's time to leave.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 5:15 pm

Accountable wrote: I didn't read the previous advice, so I apologize if it's redundant.

The only reason you should stay is if you're big/strong/good enough to kick his ass. If you're not able to drop him with one punch, you should just drop him and run.

Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. If he's doing any of these, it's time to leave.

Excellent post!

I think addiction, though, isn't an automatic reason to leave; IF the addicted person can and will confront it, and is ready to make a real change, then he/she may be worth the risk.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 5:16 pm

cherandbuster wrote: Excellent post!

I think addiction, though, isn't an automatic reason to leave; IF the addicted person can and will confront it, and is ready to make a real change, then he/she may be worth the risk.One can always return when the addiction's under control.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 5:18 pm

Accountable wrote: One can always return when the addiction's under control.

Fair enough. The person can choose to return or not to return.

But with abuse, the answer is always no.

BlueFig · Post by **BlueFig** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 6:31 pm

BabyRider wrote: Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. The question that is your title nearly floored me...I thought it was from a guy.

Watch for a thread called "Domestic Violence 2", I'm going to bump it right now.

Hi that's actually how I found this board. My googling turned up that thread.

Everything you all said on it sounded so helpful that I just had to post my situation.

Im very glad I did. You all seem like awesome people and I am taking your strong words to heart. :-4

Will keep you posted. :-6

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 10:12 pm

BlueFig wrote: Hi that's actually how I found this board. My googling turned up that thread.

Everything you all said on it sounded so helpful that I just had to post my situation.

Im very glad I did. You all seem like awesome people and I am taking your strong words to heart. :-4

Will keep you posted. :-6

Good to hear you are still with us, Blue. Do keep us posted.

Harls · Post by **Harls** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 3:29 am

bluefig

I think you know the answer run & run like the wind,don't look back.

Get out of there.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 3:32 am

BlueFig

Nice to see you back:-6

Be good to yourself:yh_hugs

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 3:41 am

Gald to see you back BlueFig. If you ever have a weak moment and think of getting back together with him, come talk to us first.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 3:50 am

onsekiz wrote: How can you tolerate it ?!! Leave him, get out of there. I'm shocked, how you are still with him! I need to wash my face

Was that a total non-sequitor?!:wah:

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 4:08 am

onsekiz

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 6:20 am

onsekiz wrote: She says she left the monster. But will the monster leave her? That's what i wonder.

Sadly, probably not. This type often refuses to let go of the control.

woppy71 · Post by **woppy71** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 8:04 am

ArnoldLayne wrote: From a mans perspective.......do exactly as BR says. NOW !

I suspect you must know the answer. You are denying yourself the truth and the freedom to live as a woman should, full of love, respect, care, security.

I hope that you are not here posting cos you are busy packing your bags and booking a one way ticket out of there

Seconded.

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Tue Jul 11, 2006 12:47 pm

BlueFig wrote: I'm afraid that I may have to run screaming from my boyfriend of almost 4 years. Im almost 30, he's almost 40.

He used to seem perfect & still has a lot of surface charm to those who only know him superficially ( handsome, seemingly devout Catholic, Mensa iq, witty and draws 6plus figure salary)

He used to seem deep & caring to me, but I'm afraid he has much darkness in him.

I feel utterly duped. I consider myself to be pretty savvy girl, but I think he may have fooled me for years into thinking he's a good guy at heart.

1.- He expects me to do his laundry, mail his bills, pick up his medicine, do his laundry, buy or make his dinner and wake him up/bring him coffee every day. He makes a lot more money than me and won't pay me back for all these expenses unless I beg him repeatedly.

And then he will only pay me back about 50% of the costs (we don't live together)

Strike 1

2.- I'm 5'5 125 lbs and he's says he'd like me better and be more interested in marrying me if I weighed 110-115.

He constantly lusts after girls on TV and in Movies & on the street who appear to be only 16-18. He has even said how hot he finds his friends daughters who are just turning 18 (he thought they were hot at 15) Strike 2

Also women whom I think are healthy and attractive he calls chubby and chunky. Such as Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson.

He trys and tells me that all men really want skinny women and they only settle for 'fleshy' women.

3.- Lastly & most disturbing he has gotten physical shoving me or throwing things at me when I stand up for myself. And even when I would try and appease him he would continue shoving me or slaping me on the head. But he was never so berserk that he left a mark.

Finally after he grabbed at my throat one Xmas eve, I broke up with him.

He never apologised but said he missed me and we ended back together. He hasnt done that in 2 years. But he has threatened repeatedly to hit me or throw things at me if I 'annoy him' or am 'disrespectful'

Yesterday I was telling him how I had witnessed a woman getting beat several years ago and how I happened to run into her again and was glad to see she was now happy and married.

My boyfriend's reaction stunned me. He told me that most of the times women who are hit DESERVE it. He then added that I deserved it in the past. I was in shock and asked him if he was kidding.

He said no and that some women deserve to be beaten and any time I "think that he may or may not have beat me" I did something to deserve it.

It's so disturbing that I can still like a lot about him when he has such a depraved side to him.

I think my biggest problem is that for the first year or so he was the best friend ever and it's hard for me to swallow that it was just a figment of my imagination and that person never really existed. That he was just pretending to be my soultwin.

I'm still mourning the man who never was and wishing he'd come back.

Should I just leave him right away ?

We don't live together and my condo is almost sold so I will have a bit of money to move away. (He always tells me that he might go ballistic if he had to watch me date in this town)

Its just difficult because some family and friends and a priest whom I spoke with all think if I try hard enough, pray and love him enough that he will act better. :-5

But in my gut & heart I don't agree.

That's why Im desperately looking for outside 3rd party sage advice.

Blue there will always be a reason for this man to justify the way he treats you - if only you did as you where told - if you lost 20 pounds - if you kept the house tidy - if you where better in bed .This man treats you the way he does because your self esteem is so low you have allowed him to chip your personality down so far that he thinks you are his possesion YOU ARE NOT . You have allowed ( without realising) this man to crush every ounce of confidence that you once had and he will continue to strip away every thing you have left and all the while convince you it is all you fault IT IS NOT . If it makes things easier try to imagine the advice you would give to a friend if they where in the same situation GET OUT LEAVE HIM AND RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN . There are a number of us here that have had the misfortune of being in an abusive relationship so we do understand how hard it must be for you and we do care . Please do not become a statistic you deserve better HE WILL NOT CHANGE HIS MOODS AND HIS TEMPER WILL GET WORSE AND HE WILL BECOME VIOLENT . Take care of your self and i wish you luck