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I have been in love with a woman for 30 years but she is married and not relating so well with her spouse for many years but she is dependent on him. She left 4 times and has come back in one way or another and they still relate.

I see her errors in repeating this charade as she is trying to keep face with her family. Not one child feels much for him as he has in the past not been involved in raising them or showing much interest in family activities.

Her and I were close friends for most of this time and on her last separation of 3.5 years ago, I told her how I felt. We had a wonderful loving time for 2 years but then she had second thoughts and though she is not co-habiting with her spouse, she is back with him and I am now out of the loop, so to speak.

He knows about us and is extremely jealous of my frienship with her and makes life difficult for her to the point where though we still share time as friends, she asks me to disappear when he is in town. Though I may not be popular for this indescretion by you readers, I am still much in love but know my place.

Any opinions as to where this should go. I know that this may be the end of our relationship as lovers and friends as life is just to complicated with her remaining married to a man who does not know how to love or treat a woman.

Feeling lost and alone.

If she were truly miserable, she wouldn't keep going back. He may not have always been there for the kids, but it's better than what she is doing to them. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. If you never want a real commitment, stick with her. Sorry but that's my opinion.

Hey - this woman has life pretty good, doesn't she! She has a husband that (one would assume) takes care of a large hunk of her financial needs and a guy on the side that takes care of her physical needs.

Someone who is willing and able to cheat on a spouse is also willing and able to cheat on a lover.

Time for you to bail! Unless you don't mind being treated with so little respect.

Peg wrote: If she were truly miserable, she wouldn't keep going back. He may not have always been there for the kids, but it's better than what she is doing to them. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. If you never want a real commitment, stick with her. Sorry but that's my opinion.


I don't understand. What do you think she is doing to them?

They are all grown up now and have their own lives.

Yes, I agree that she wants her cake,etc.

But this situation has more depth then I could afford to write in this forum at one time.

She appears to go back because he convinces her that he will change and is remorseful about the past.

I know them both real well and this has repeated itself more then once.

And to this date, he still does not help financially.

She has been in dire straights many times since she left him and I was a partial provider when she could not make ends meet.

I have been there for her and her kids for many years. Because her spouse

provided little in expenses and support during the years that her kids were at home, I was asked to help.

She started a home craft business with the help of her children and sold her wares at many festivals around the country. I chauffered and helped her because her husband would not be bothered because he prefered to stay home, unemployed and got by with the occasional income.

I helped because she was a close friend at that time and I enjoyed the travel and festivals, myself.

Your opinion is respected but don't jump to a judgement till you understand

the whole subject. I still love her deeply even though she may not understand

the implications of her own choices. Some people have to hit bottom to appreciate something that was better then what they endured for decades.

Right now,I am the one that has loved and lost.

LilacDragon wrote: Hey - this woman has life pretty good, doesn't she! She has a husband that (one would assume) takes care of a large hunk of her financial needs and a guy on the side that takes care of her physical needs.

Someone who is willing and able to cheat on a spouse is also willing and able to cheat on a lover.

Time for you to bail! Unless you don't mind being treated with so little respect.


I think you should reread my posts. She got very little support from him in raising the kids and had to create her own source of income.

I came into her life after she left him. Before that I was a friend who helped her.

Why do you assume that it was only a physical need. There was sincere love very much unlike their relationship was for nearly 30 years. Empty of care and compassion. Don't ask me why she had second thoughts as that is a mystery to me.

She has repeated this back and forth several times.

I think pride and having to live with a failed marriage is a factor.

I posted this to look for advice and try to understand . Not get insensitive and cynical remarks. Sounds like life hasn't blessed you too well, either ?

Misha wrote: I still love her deeply even though she may not understand

the implications of her own choices. Some people have to hit bottom to appreciate something that was better then what they endured for decades.

Right now,I am the one that has loved and lost.


Oh Mish, my most sincere sympathy for all you have gone through. How difficult this must have been!

Mish, her choices are her choices -- even though they don't seem like good ones. I understand the "failure factor" in staying with someone, but I wonder about her self-esteem. There is a reason she won't/can't break away. I'm not saying it's the best choice for her, because clearly it isn't. People stay in unhealthy relationships for all the wrong reasons, don't they?

It seems you've been a pillar of strength for her. You've given so much over time but unfortunately have not gotten the same in return. You seem like a loving and giving person. Perhaps you need to redirect your energies?

It's all about finding the right audience -- someone who loves you and wants you as much as you do them.

Good luck:)

Wake up and smell the coffee hunny. She's treating you like a doormat.

Sorry to be blunt but you sound too caring a person to waste your life being walked over. There are LOTS of lovely people out there who would LOVE to have such a kind, caring and considerate person in their lives.

Leave this user. Live your life not hers. :yh_hugs

Misha wrote: I think you should reread my posts. She got very little support from him in raising the kids and had to create her own source of income.

I came into her life after she left him. Before that I was a friend who helped her.



Why do you assume that it was only a physical need. There was sincere love very much unlike their relationship was for nearly 30 years. Empty of care and compassion. Don't ask me why she had second thoughts as that is a mystery to me.

She has repeated this back and forth several times.

I think pride and having to live with a failed marriage is a factor.



I posted this to look for advice and try to understand . Not get insensitive and cynical remarks. Sounds like life hasn't blessed you too well, either ?
I understand that stung - so it's natural to lash out - but you said similar words yourself.

Misha wrote: I thought I gave unconditional love and felt loved for it for awhile but at some point I felt used and taken for granted. I still loved unconditionally even though I felt betrayed and dispensible. As much as I tried to turn the other cheek, there came a point where I began to ask myself for some reward for my loving nature. I expect to be treated with respect and dignity and refuse to play the fool!

I am now very disappointed in myself for not being able to maintain this unconditional love. But sometimes one must draw aline and not :-5 .
You've known her for 30 years. There's no reason to think she will change. Why should she? What's her motivation?



You have loved and lost. Take the good memories and cherish them, stand up straight, and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Go find a healthy relationship.

Misha wrote: I don't understand. What do you think she is doing to them?

They are all grown up now and have their own lives.

Yes, I agree that she wants her cake,etc.

But this situation has more depth then I could afford to write in this forum at one time.

She appears to go back because he convinces her that he will change and is remorseful about the past.

I know them both real well and this has repeated itself more then once.

And to this date, he still does not help financially.

She has been in dire straights many times since she left him and I was a partial provider when she could not make ends meet.

I have been there for her and her kids for many years. Because her spouse

provided little in expenses and support during the years that her kids were at home, I was asked to help.

She started a home craft business with the help of her children and sold her wares at many festivals around the country. I chauffered and helped her because her husband would not be bothered because he prefered to stay home, unemployed and got by with the occasional income.

I helped because she was a close friend at that time and I enjoyed the travel and festivals, myself.

Your opinion is respected but don't jump to a judgement till you understand

the whole subject. I still love her deeply even though she may not understand

the implications of her own choices. Some people have to hit bottom to appreciate something that was better then what they endured for decades.

Right now,I am the one that has loved and lost.
She appears to go back because he convinces her that he will change and is remorseful about the past.

I know them both real well and this has repeated itself more then once.

And to this date, he still does not help financially.
Why would she continue to believe, over and over, that he will change when it is obvious, after all these years, he won't?

What do you think she is doing to them?

They are all grown up now and have their own lives.
She had another man in her life from the time they were little. I don't care how bad a person is treated, what did this show the kids? It's okay to cheat instead of getting out of a miserable marriage.

She has been in dire straights many times since she left him and I was a partial provider when she could not make ends meet.
Again, having her cake and eating it too. He must love the fact that he doesn't need to work because you will take care of them financially.

You can make all the excuses in the world for her but the facts remain the same. If she were that miserable, she knows you would be there for her to support her emotionally and finacially and yet she CHOSE to stay. Life's too short to stay committed to a person who cannot and will not commit. I have to wonder why you don't think you deserve better. Again, just my opinion.

Misha wrote: I think you should reread my posts. She got very little support from him in raising the kids and had to create her own source of income.

I came into her life after she left him. Before that I was a friend who helped her.

Why do you assume that it was only a physical need. There was sincere love very much unlike their relationship was for nearly 30 years. Empty of care and compassion. Don't ask me why she had second thoughts as that is a mystery to me.

She has repeated this back and forth several times.

I think pride and having to live with a failed marriage is a factor.

I posted this to look for advice and try to understand . Not get insensitive and cynical remarks. Sounds like life hasn't blessed you too well, either ?


I am far from insensitive and am sorry if you took my remarks as cynical.

My ex husband couldn't keep his pants on and while his money paid the bills, he had little else to do with our two children. The thought of having to live with a failed marriage never entered my mind when I filed for a divorce.

If she truly loved you - she would have left her husband many years ago.

Oh please.



Get a backbone. Chalk it up as one of life's (very loooong) learning

experiences.



You asked for opinions, you shouldn't get all huffy when they are given.



You've been doing this so long you aren't likely to listen to any of us,

anyway.



She "left" him? She doesn't "co-habit" but she's with him? You're

asked to make yourself scarce when he's "in town" ? What part of this

are you not understanding?



You're expecting this guy to just let you be "friends" again? When he knows

you were lovers? Oh yeah, that'll work. :rolleyes:



She's dependant on a man who doesn't know how to love or treat her

and gives her no financial support? HUH?



You're "out of the loop" but still friends. Right.



Too many inconsistences. Too much drama.



Quit while you're behiind.

Firstly Misha I would like to say I think it's extremely brave of you to share something which is obviously a very private part of your life. We alway's leave ourselves open to the risk of being ridiculed when so doing.

Secondly, the thing that immediately struck me was WHY would you devote so many years of your life to a woman who quite obviously doesn't love with with the same intensity as you feel towards her. She has no reason that I can see not to leave her husband now, her family have grown up. If she really did feel half as much for you as you do for her, then why not explain the situation to them. They ought to be adult enough to understand and not turn their backs on her. She may be their mother but she is still a person in her own right.

It's very easy to attempt to give advice to anyone when you're looking at it from the outside in, on the other side of the fence so to speak. However, I personally feel the kindest thing for you would be to keep her as a friend, if she will allow it (although I think she's placed herself in a position where she no longer has that right) and move on.

You come across as a very genuine and sincere individual who deserves someone who can give you the companionship, love and devotion you so deserve.

Accountable wrote: I understand that stung - so it's natural to lash out - but you said similar words yourself.

You've known her for 30 years. There's no reason to think she will change. Why should she? What's her motivation?



You have loved and lost. Take the good memories and cherish them, stand up straight, and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Go find a healthy relationship.


Just that some posters don't read my posts carefully and just simply make assumptions about something they did not read.



My words were just my philosophy and was not directed personally at the poster

but thanks for your kind advice.

SnoozeControl wrote: It sounds like you're a convenience and her husband is a necessity in her life, otherwise she would've dumped him long ago and cherished you for all the things you've given to her, both materially and emotionally. I'm not going to attempt to give any suggestions since it sounds like you're committed to her no matter what she does... well, okay I guess I am. Have you attempted to look for another companion that's available emotionally to you? I'm assuming you must be at least in your 40s and lemme tell you buddy, a single man your age is a hot commodity in the dating pool. I think you should enjoy it.

Best wishes.


It seems that it was a convenience. You are verifyng my suspicions.

I have had lots of time trying to figure all this out and posting this to this forum

will add an element of a second opinion.

Yes, I am at least in my 40s but aim a bit more higher.

I am the kind of person that could not just move on to another person

as I still care and love her and that would not be fair to another companion.

Maybe with time.

valerie wrote: Oh please.



Get a backbone. Chalk it up as one of life's (very loooong) learning

experiences.



You asked for opinions, you shouldn't get all huffy when they are given.



You've been doing this so long you aren't likely to listen to any of us,

anyway.



She "left" him? She doesn't "co-habit" but she's with him? You're

asked to make yourself scarce when he's "in town" ? What part of this

are you not understanding?



You're expecting this guy to just let you be "friends" again? When he knows

you were lovers? Oh yeah, that'll work. :rolleyes:



She's dependant on a man who deosn't know how to love or treat her

and gives her no financial support? HUH?



You're "out of the loop" but still friends. Right.



Too many inconsistences. Too much drama.



Quit while you're behiind.


Like I said. This is a complex situation that can't just have simplistic answers.

The "dependency" may be a misnomer. I am just as baffled.

But in truth, nope, there is no support except occassional visits. Go figure.

I make myself scarce upon her request not his. She is just as annoyed by his demands but through some unfathomal reasons she caves in.

I believe I asked for constructive advice not smart ass opinions.

That is another forum somewheres else.

This one is called:

"Friends, Relationships, & Advice"

But thanks, anyway.

LilacDragon wrote: I am far from insensitive and am sorry if you took my remarks as cynical.

My ex husband couldn't keep his pants on and while his money paid the bills, he had little else to do with our two children. The thought of having to live with a failed marriage never entered my mind when I filed for a divorce.

If she truly loved you - she would have left her husband many years ago.


There appears to be some replies that keep repeating the same comments.

She had left him 3 times before because she couldn't bear to be there and share the same space. But he managed to manipulate his way back in and though I can't say for sure,her own doubts about herself may have had a large part in her returning.

As for cheating, she hadn't shared his bed for 3 years and on the 4th separation

we got together. It was not for sex but because I cared for her and she needed someone like me at this point.

And at some point, she doubted herself again, most likely by his manipulation.

I guess that comes easier if 2 people have been married for close to 30 years. Sad but true.

annabelle wrote: Firstly Misha I would like to say I think it's extremely brave of you to share something which is obviously a very private part of your life. We alway's leave ourselves open to the risk of being ridiculed when so doing.

Secondly, the thing that immediately struck me was WHY would you devote so many years of your life to a woman who quite obviously doesn't love with with the same intensity as you feel towards her. She has no reason that I can see not to leave her husband now, her family have grown up. If she really did feel half as much for you as you do for her, then why not explain the situation to them. They ought to be adult enough to understand and not turn their backs on her. She may be their mother but she is still a person in her own right.

It's very easy to attempt to give advice to anyone when you're looking at it from the outside in, on the other side of the fence so to speak. However, I personally feel the kindest thing for you would be to keep her as a friend, if she will allow it (although I think she's placed herself in a position where she no longer has that right) and move on.

You come across as a very genuine and sincere individual who deserves someone who can give you the companionship, love and devotion you so deserve.


Like I said several times before, it goes deeper then what I am able to write in one post.

I have hundreds of pages of email correspondence from her that say that she loved me and will never go back to him.

Because she never got around to filing for divorce, I kept requesting assurances that she was sincere and she just kept assuring me that I was the only man in her life and that I was also the only man that had treated her so well and lovingly.

Then one day, it was over.

Mish, I wish you luck in getting what you want.

And what you need:)

wow 30 years is such a long time! (my whole life time actually ;p)

I would imagine it would take a hell of a lot of courage to walk away from a 30year old marriage, he may not treat her that great but he has stayed around and its comforting to know someone will always be there.

There's not really any incentive for her to leave him, why would she? she knows your gonna stay around anyway, personally i think you should talk to her, she needs to make a choice, you or him, (30 years is ample time to make up her mind ) as she isn't being fair to either of you the way things stand.

embers wrote: wow 30 years is such a long time! (my whole life time actually ;p)

I would imagine it would take a hell of a lot of courage to walk away from a 30year old marriage, he may not treat her that great but he has stayed around and its comforting to know someone will always be there.

There's not really any incentive for her to leave him, why would she? she knows your gonna stay around anyway, personally i think you should talk to her, she needs to make a choice, you or him, (30 years is ample time to make up her mind ) as she isn't being fair to either of you the way things stand.


She made her choice. I am merely looking for seconds to what I have already figured in my own mind. There is little I can get out of her.

He stayed around because he had nothing. His wife left and the kids left . All for the same reasons. He was not a supportive father and husband.

He lived alone and that alone would cause any man to come back.

Remember that it was she that left him.

Believe me, from past experiences when she cut him off, he was much more humble and now that he is king of the roost, he is back to controlling things. I know that it sounds all f--ked up but if you knew this family as well as I do, you would see things in a different light.

As for me, I am trying to move on but as I metioned in another post, though I

will not play the fool, my unconditional love far out weighs my wanting to tell her to take a hike. She is not just someone I met and got together with.

I have known her personally for as long as she has been married.

She has secretly been in my heart all those years and even though she left several times before, I made no attempt to get involved till the fourth time.

Advice and opnions are welcome as long as they are polite and sincere.

People with nothing better to do but ridicule other peoples plights need not apply.

cherandbuster wrote: Oh Mish, my most sincere sympathy for all you have gone through. How difficult this must have been!

Mish, her choices are her choices -- even though they don't seem like good ones. I understand the "failure factor" in staying with someone, but I wonder about her self-esteem. There is a reason she won't/can't break away. I'm not saying it's the best choice for her, because clearly it isn't. People stay in unhealthy relationships for all the wrong reasons, don't they?

It seems you've been a pillar of strength for her. You've given so much over time but unfortunately have not gotten the same in return. You seem like a loving and giving person. Perhaps you need to redirect your energies?

It's all about finding the right audience -- someone who loves you and wants you as much as you do them.

Good luck:)


Thank you for your positive input. To truly understand this unique situation, I would have to write a short novel.

I am trying to understand who is truly wrong in this scenario.

So far I have taken all the flak and so naturally I have become defensive.

I know in my heart that I made a choice that would be difficult but it was her claim that she loved me that caused me to continue this relationship.

Rapunzel wrote: Wake up and smell the coffee hunny. She's treating you like a doormat.

Sorry to be blunt but you sound too caring a person to waste your life being walked over. There are LOTS of lovely people out there who would LOVE to have such a kind, caring and considerate person in their lives.

Leave this user. Live your life not hers. :yh_hugs


Thanks. I know in my heart that you are correct but the love and compassion I feel for her just gets in the way.

As far as there being lots of people out there, no doubt but she knew me for so long that there was no question as to my sincerety in her mind.

All others would in their minds be taking a gamble. What was great for her may not be that wonderful for another.

Misha,

Only you can decide what you want to do. It seems you have a need to see this situation from every perspective that you can, and that in itself is a healthy thing.

You are aware that you are not getting all that you are giving, yet you cannot or will not extricate yourself from this situation. I'm curious: have you every discussed this with a therapist?

I agree that your woman friend is tied to this man through some kind of insecurity and dependence issues -- but maybe you are connected to her for the very same reasons. I know you are in love with her, but you also seem to rationally know that this is not a healthy situation.

What do you think about that?

If shes made her choice and its not you what else can you do but to walk away? sure it will hurt like hell for a long time but i doubt you will ever get over her while you are spending time with her. :/

Peg wrote: Why would she continue to believe, over and over, that he will change when it is obvious, after all these years, he won't?

She had another man in her life from the time they were little. I don't care how bad a person is treated, what did this show the kids? It's okay to cheat instead of getting out of a miserable marriage.

Again, having her cake and eating it too. He must love the fact that he doesn't need to work because you will take care of them financially.

You can make all the excuses in the world for her but the facts remain the same. If she were that miserable, she knows you would be there for her to support her emotionally and finacially and yet she CHOSE to stay. Life's too short to stay committed to a person who cannot and will not commit. I have to wonder why you don't think you deserve better. Again, just my opinion.


Thanks,Peg.

Of course I think I deserve better. But that should have been from her.

She, because I know her history is a commitalphobic.

I understood it to be because she made several wrong relationship choices before her marriage.It was only about 3 years when she realized that the marriage might have been a mistake. But 2 kids were already there and so she stayed and then had 3 more and because she had no other means she stayed and tolerated the empty relationship and used the love of her children to satisfy her emotional needs. I commend her for that.

LilacDragon wrote: I am far from insensitive and am sorry if you took my remarks as cynical.

My ex husband couldn't keep his pants on and while his money paid the bills, he had little else to do with our two children. The thought of having to live with a failed marriage never entered my mind when I filed for a divorce.

If she truly loved you - she would have left her husband many years ago.


I apologize.

cherandbuster wrote: Mish, I wish you luck in getting what you want.

And what you need:)


Thankyou. It took 20 years for me to find 2 years of happiness.

At my age, time is short.

cherandbuster wrote: Misha,

Only you can decide what you want to do. It seems you have a need to see this situation from every perspective that you can, and that in itself is a healthy thing.

You are aware that you are not getting all that you are giving, yet you cannot or will not extricate yourself from this situation. I'm curious: have you every discussed this with a therapist?

I agree that your woman friend is tied to this man through some kind of insecurity and dependence issues -- but maybe you are connected to her for the very same reasons. I know you are in love with her, but you also seem to rationally know that this is not a healthy situation.

What do you think about that?


That is a fair observation but what do therapists know about Love.

It is not my needs that i am whining about.

I feel that she is making some rather inexcusable choices

and as someone who loves her very much I feel for her.

I can only stand on the sidelines and shake my head with the deepest of compassion. I know who I am and I also know that I am right for her.

She just has so much baggage that she has created her own prison and refuses to let go of those insecurities.

I sit here at my computer and not on her doorstep. It is her husband that sits on her doorstep and she opens the door. Step by step, I learn that they are the ones with insecurities.None of them have ever spent 20 years alone.

As much as she claims that she needs to find her own space and thus abandons me, she replaces me right back with her spouse.

They need therapist. I have this forum.

embers wrote: If shes made her choice and its not you what else can you do but to walk away? sure it will hurt like hell for a long time but i doubt you will ever get over her while you are spending time with her. :/


I know that I expect to be replied to so I wish to reply right back to all posters.

This could become a lengthy thread.

Yes, it hurts like hell. And even though I have spent a lot of time away from her before we got involved, she was always on my mind. When I first met her 30 years ago, it was one of those Hollywood star struck moments. I was infected. But she was there alongside her future husband and so I knew my place.

So that really would not change much. I can move on but she will be an ache till I die.

I have a strong belief in some sort of soul connection and I may be a victim of it.

Sometimes, it is the other soul that may not recognize this. maybe for a fleeting moment in life as she had but souls do need to work on themselves before they can come to terms in conjoining with the other.

I,m such a waste of this forum's time.

Misha wrote: I feel that she is making some rather inexcusable choices

and as someone who loves her very much I feel for her.

I can only stand on the sidelines and shake my head with the deepest of compassion.


Misha, she has made her choices, inexcusable or not.

As you are aware, the only thing you can control is how you react to these choices.

It's difficult to see you suffer so. Perhaps another choice can and will reduce your suffering -- if you can do it.

Can you?

Will you?

cherandbuster wrote: Misha, she has made her choices, inexcusable or not.

As you are aware, the only thing you can control is how you react to these choices.

It's difficult to see you suffer so. Perhaps another choice can and will reduce your suffering -- if you can do it.

Can you?

Will you?


Explain another choice.

I am able to survive and be a better person for it.

She was not my only relationship.I have made it through others but in retrospect, I did not love them as much. In fact I know I didn't as they never even cross my mind but she lives on. I am not some pathetic soul

sitting in a darkened room and mourning my loss.

But thoughts of her cross my mind daily. So I know that this is what true love means. Even if they are not in ones life ,they dwell permanently in one's heart. Now, how am I to be honest in a new found relationship with this in my heart? Am I doomed to live alone, wearing black till I die?

It is not that I insist on holding on but that it insists on clinging to my heart. I have heard of situations like this before and am curious as to how others have dealt with it without betraying their own hearts.

Such a shame you're choosing to waste your entire life on a woman who quite clearly is choosing never to be with you.

We only get one shot at it on earth. I don't think she has the remotest idea what love is. Selfishness, definately.

She hasn't even the guts to commit to either one of you.

What the hell is the point on going to your grave as an old man, should you reach that far, alway's regreting what could have been.

It's a pity her husband doesn't just throw her out, most would. I wonder what she'd do then?. Use you again until the next sucker comes along.

You've implied in several places that you're not particularly happy with members comments, but, you did ask the question, thus leaving yourself wide open.

What were you hoping for? For everyone to tell you there will be a fairy tale ending and you'll all live happily ever after. I think we all know the answer to that one.

YOUR life is what YOU make it.

Misha wrote: Like I said. This is a complex situation that can't just have simplistic answers.

The "dependency" may be a misnomer. I am just as baffled.

But in truth, nope, there is no support except occassional visits. Go figure.



I make myself scarce upon her request not his. She is just as annoyed by his demands but through some unfathomal reasons she caves in.



I believe I asked for constructive advice not smart ass opinions.

That is another forum somewheres else.

This one is called:

"Friends, Relationships, & Advice"

But thanks, anyway.




You have no right to come in here and talk to anyone like that. Especially on your first day, and especially to our beloved Val. You asked for opinions you got opinions. You owe this woman an apology for acting like a stupid ass to her.

*Nomad takes care of his own*

Great having you here, Nomie.

Just because this guy has no self respect doesnt mean he can disrespect anyone here. Period. He shows no respect for the woman or her husband. Heres my opinion. Write a letter of apology to both of them then get lost and find your own love. Your acting like a disgraceful spineless jellyfish. Stand up and do the right thing.

annabelle wrote: Such a shame you're choosing to waste your entire life on a woman who quite clearly is choosing never to be with you.

We only get one shot at it on earth. I don't think she has the remotest idea what love is. Selfishness, definately.

She hasn't even the guts to commit to either one of you.

What the hell is the point on going to your grave as an old man, should you reach that far, alway's regreting what could have been.

It's a pity her husband doesn't just throw her out, most would. I wonder what she'd do then?. Use you again until the next sucker comes along.

You've implied in several places that you're not particularly happy with members comments, but, you did ask the question, thus leaving yourself wide open.

What were you hoping for? For everyone to tell you there will be a fairy tale ending and you'll all live happily ever after. I think we all know the answer to that one.

YOUR life is what YOU make it.


Yes I implied my disappointment in several comments but most were positive.If one is to give advice as what I was asking for then fine, otherwise if one has nothing positive or constructive to give then say nothing at all.

I have visited many forums and newsgroups for the last 10 years and find there are some that just browse and comment just to be asses.

That is the inherent nature of forums so I have no problem returning the favor.

I am well aware that she may be selfish, a user, insecure, proud, stubborn,etc but sometimes even a good person knows not what they

do and because I love her I can forgive and not be vindictive.

She is in her mid 50s and sooner or later she will have less opportunities in her elder years. I hope I can be there for her at such a time.

I have even considered menopause as the cause of irrational choices.

Maybe then she will realize what she had all along.

She has never been cruel in any other way to me and I still think that she is the best friend I have.

My reasons for posting is not to have the forum readers reconcile us but to help understand how something like this can take place and how to deal with it in a postive manner.

Misha wrote: Yes I implied my disappointment in several comments but most were positive.If one is to give advice as what I was asking for then fine, otherwise if one has nothing positive or constructive to give then say nothing at all.

I have visited many forums and newsgroups for the last 10 years and find there are some that just browse and comment just to be asses.

That is the inherent nature of forums so I have no problem returning the favor.



I am well aware that she may be selfish, a user, insecure, proud, stubborn,etc but sometimes even a good person knows not what they

do and because I love her I can forgive and not be vindictive.

She is in her mid 50s and sooner or later she will have less opportunities in her elder years. I hope I can be there for her at such a time.

I have even considered menopause as the cause of irrational choices.

Maybe then she will realize what she had all along.

She has never been cruel in any other way to me and I still think that she is the best friend I have.

My reasons for posting is not to have the forum readers reconcile us but to help understand how something like this can take place and how to deal with it in a postive manner.




Thats not me your talking about because you dont know me. I shouldnt think youd want to make snap judgements or blanket statements about someone you know nothing of. My comments werent just for the sake of being an ass. Consider this, perhaps my sentiments are based on your actions. I suppose its possible, those are my true thoughts isnt it ?

Are you going to apologize to Val ? Because thats what were talking about now. Do that, treat everyone here with respect and Ill gladly leave you to your thread.

Nomad wrote: Just because this guy has no self respect doesnt mean he can disrespect anyone here. Period. He shows no respect for the woman or her husband. Heres my opinion. Write a letter of apology to both of them then get lost and find your own love. Your acting like a disgraceful spineless jellyfish. Stand up and do the right thing.


Like I mentioned.

Some people can act like asses.

I don't think you even read the whole post but simply kneejerk.

Find me a qoute where it is that I have spoken as you have .

Keep it up and let all others be the judge.

It only makes you think you feel better about yourself by making these comments.

quote misha - Keep it up and let all others be the judge.

you forget we know nomad & val, they are well loved & respected members here

Nomad wrote: Do that, treat everyone here with respect and Ill gladly leave you to your thread.


Promise?

buttercup wrote: quote misha - Keep it up and let all others be the judge.

you forget we know nomad & val, they are well loved & respected members here


Yes, I know. Blood is thicker then water.

Another inherent thing about forums is that some think that it is their private domain and all others are fair game. I came here with the utmost sincerity and expected advice not sarcasm and bullying.

So far only Val and Nomad have been less then diplomatic.

I have made replies to every other reply and have not spoken to them in any impolite manner. Only to those who provoke flaming because they love to pound their chests.I have viewed above mentioned poster's past replies and see that they are what they seem to be.

I apologize to all others for getting baited into this flame.

Goodbye,Val and Nomad. No apologies needed. You are forgiven

Misha wrote: Like I mentioned.

Some people can act like asses.

I don't think you even read the whole post but simply kneejerk.



Find me a qoute where it is that I have spoken as you have .

Keep it up and let all others be the judge.

It only makes you think you feel better about yourself by making these comments.




You have me wrong pal. I stopped reading when I saw the way you talked to Val. She doesnt deserve that, no one here does. Be decent and apologize. This isnt a macho or "hey Ill mess with him thing" This is about being respectful in someone elses house. This isnt your house yet.

Nomad wrote: You have me wrong pal. I stopped reading when I saw the way you talked to Val. She doesnt deserve that, no one here does. Be decent and apologize. This isnt a macho or "hey Ill mess with him thing" This is about being respectful in someone elses house. This isnt your house yet.


spoken like a true... protective big brother

Misha wrote: Like I said. This is a complex situation that can't just have simplistic answers.

The "dependency" may be a misnomer. I am just as baffled.

But in truth, nope, there is no support except occassional visits. Go figure.



I make myself scarce upon her request not his. She is just as annoyed by his demands but through some unfathomal reasons she caves in.



I believe I asked for constructive advice not smart ass opinions.

That is another forum somewheres else.

This one is called:

"Friends, Relationships, & Advice"

But thanks, anyway.


I've been away working so I couldn't respond to this right away.



Your first post, go back and read it yourself if you want, you asked for

"Any opinions as to where this should go". Did you not? You didn't

ask for "constructive advice".



I DID (now I'm wondering WHY) read your posts carefully, as I did

the others here. I realize it was HER request, not the husband's.

I am a very intelligent person who gave her opinion, NOT a "smart

ass" one. A bit harsh, okay, maybe, but I'm doing the typing and

you did come here to ask. I was trying to get through to you

enough that you would LOOK at yourself. Not happening from the

looks of your subsequent posts. You are (IMHO) wallowing in this,

pull yourself up by your bootstraps, why dontcha.



Poke around some other threads here and thank whatever Great

Spirit you follow that YOU aren't SUFFERING from cancer, or that

YOUR beloved didn't just get sent to prison for SEVENTEEN YEARS.



Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, jefe.















(Love, love, LOVE YOU, Sweet PEA!!) :-4 :-4

SnoozeControl wrote: I woulda kicked Misha in the nads if I was around, Val!



Misha, Valerie is a very compassionate and warm person that doesn't EVER flame people. She gave you an honest opinion of your situation, which is exactly what you asked for. There's no need to turn this into a p*ssing contest, okay?



You've gotten some very good responses, don't you think? I hope this has shed some light on your situation.




Your so diplomatic lately ! Are you having regular sex ? That would explain it.





















*duck*

valerie wrote:



Poke around some other threads here and thank whatever Great

Spirit you follow that YOU aren't SUFFERING from cancer, or that

YOUR beloved didn't just get sent to prison for SEVENTEEN YEARS.


aww that's a bit unfair, you cant expect anyone who just comes to the forum to check all other posts and determine whether or not their problem is worthy or not to be posted :/

SnoozeControl wrote: Well, this is a good place to make friends, Misha. Welcome to FG and I hope you enjoy your time here.


Hmmmm!!

Im not out to get you Misha. I just want you to be respectful. Thats how this place works.