ForumGarden

I have been in a comitted relationship for about 2 years now with a wonderful man whom I respect and admire more than he will ever know. He is everything I want in a partner, and what I look for in a friend... the only issue I have is with the bedroom. When we met, he was a virgin- he was 22. I thought it was fantastic that he believed in something and waited so long! Well, our relationship got serious, and then our sex life did as well. We got to know each other in the bedroom, and I've found that he has some interesting role-playing fantasies that I have gone along with (and enjoyed) for some time.

The problem is that being on birth control lowers my libido as it is, and so it's not always easy for me to be enthusiastic about MY fantasies, let alone his. The difficulty is that what turns him on, doesn't necessarily turn me on...so it's hard for me to get into it. I do it, and I want nothing more than for him to have an enjoyable experience, but I'm just not as into it as he is. So, naturally, he's afraid that I am freaked out, and he is embarassed- which I really don't want at all. I think making each other feel good is what love is all about... how can I make a compromise in this situation? I can't force myself to be turned on by something, but I don't want him to be embarassed or unhappy either. Do I just pretend forever? What's worse, it's almost becoming an annoyance to me...since I have no interest in it besides making him happy, I get tired of it. What's a girl to do?

compromise, annoyance, pretend and tired....your words. they will soon equal resentment, and then?..... it needs to be addressed frankly and uncritically with your partner, (in my opinion only of course.) compromise is a good thing, but it has to work both ways to achieve the happiness and well-being of both parties.

"Comprimise" is that a New word in the English language? or a spelling error? as far a Sex goes in the forum garden, it has never been discussed? i don't know how to approach or discuss your intimate relationship? i would have to say kitty-lovingly-blond, am i accurate on that (title), in garden language, you could be a pussy-willow, early spring bush, or a tulip, probably a yellow one. :wah:

Paula wrote: "Comprimise" is that a New word in the English language? or a spelling error? as far a Sex goes in the forum garden, it has never been discussed? i don't know how to approach or discuss your intimate relationship? i would have to say kitty-lovingly-blond, am i accurate on that (title), in garden language, you could be a pussy-willow, early spring bush, or a tulip, probably a yellow one. :wah:


Paula? No need to be rude and point out spelling errors.

I think lady cop hit the nail on the head with this one. Talk about it, compromise, do whatever it takes before you come to resent it.

Peg, there is a thread (Jesus On A Fish Stick), did you check that out? :wah: :wah: :wah:

Paula wrote: Peg, there is a thread (Jesus On A Fish Stick), did you check that out? :wah: :wah: :wah:


Yes, and your point?

Paula wrote: as far a Sex goes
Shouldn't that be 'as far as Sex goes....'?

Thanks for the spelling correction, I wrote it very late at night.

Kitty if your beau has an appetite for role playing and fantasy.. it will continue to develope...and if he bores of what he has already tried he will create more scenarios.



I have a girlfriend who had a similar situation.. her man was a little bit kinky when they dated and she just figured he would grow out of it or settle down when they were married.... but it only continued and became more complex.



Maybe you need to talk to him about it, maybe he doesn't realize what turns him on - you are just doing to please him and that other than begin happy to please, it is not your preference.



How does he react when you tell him you are tired or not in the mood.. does he accept that? or does he persist in trying to change your mind?



It is not a good thing if you are giving in just to avoid an argument.

Kitty, it sounds as though you're just stuck in a rut. This happens and is something that can be dealt with.

From your post, it seems that the lowered-libido side effect of your birth control meds are at least partly to blame. Is there any way you could go on a lower dose BCP (is it a pill?) or consider other methods?

You, as an adult human being, deserve to enjoy sex!, to experience the full depths and deliciousness of sexual desire. Sex need not turn into something that is done grudgingly. You're missing out and it seems that some of it is chemically induced! Can you discuss some changes in your birth control method with your doctor?

As for going along with his desires half-heartedly, well, as long as you just aren't all that horny, you aren't going to be into even the most plain vanilla sex that there is, let alone something a little more acquired in taste . I'm sure he wouldn't want this to be so one-sided either: he must be interested in pleasing you. it's disappointing for both of you if both of you aren't, um, getting off like you should (for lack of a better way to put it).

The more desire a person feels, the more the person needs to express it to their beloved. Of course since your desire is lessened right now you haven't been putting in the level of creativity or enthusiasm that he has and you probably would! if you only felt more lustful in general!

In short, I wonder if lack of desire in general is the root of the problem!

You said "he has some interesting role-playing fantasies that I have gone along with (and enjoyed) for some time". So, you do enjoy his ideas! If I were you I'd cut myself a little slack. Your sex life sounds pretty healthy, if just a little stuck in a rut at the moment.

You *do* enjoy your encounters with him and you like his fantasies, at least in theory, but you'd probably rather have some chocolate and a nice bath Problem being, sometimes sex has to be more interesting than anything else! and if it *never* is, then there's a problem.

You just have a difficult time physically enjoying yourself as much as you would like because your BC method lowers your desire. It sounds like mostly a physical problem, not one that originates in your relationship with your BF. It *could* turn into a relationship problem if you start to think of it as him being "demanding" or "strange and kinky"or if you start to believe you don't like to have sex with him at all. Not saying you do think those things: I'm saying it would be easy to wrongly start blaming details of your sex life for something you've already determined is a physical problem that you personally are experiencing.

See if there is some way for you to ramp up your desire in general. Change birth control methods or get a different, lighter dose of the one you take now. Flirt with him! Play with him! Tease him for two days straight or have him tease you, without giving in at first. Delight in this man! One of the great things about being with someone for any real length of time is the depths of exploration you can engage in together. Another great thing is not taking sex terribly seriously and being goofy and naked at the same time and laughing until your gut hurts, while still having great sex. It happens, in time

Let your own creativity blossom, hell, do everything that comes to mind that is even remotely interesting, but YOU be the one to come up with it! and hopefully then you'll have uncontrollable and wonderfully pleasing desires of your own! and you may see his requests in a different light. Only after you feel better about your own level of desire can you really judge if his tastes are reasonable to you or not: because you have said you are having trouble with desire, period.

I sincerely hope that helps. After a little while together it really is common for one or the other partner's desire to wane. Sexual desire is one of those things that can be in a state of flux throughout a relationship: you may find yourself naturally being more desirous of him soon, and less so later, and it may always fluctuate naturally. It's normal: that's the good news. You shouldn't just put up with it: that's more good news.

Good luck and let us know how it goes for you. I feel like I've taken up much too much space ! but I suck at editing.

~sohcahtoa

sohchatoa, what a wonderful response!



I can't add much to that except to point out that there are many times we start out feeling that we're not in the mood, but with some tenderness and gentle attention we can change that. Exercising beforehand can change a mood, a long massage, a hot bath together, and so on.



Enjoy your own fantasies as well, and don't be afraid to ask for your turn in the drivers seat. I know with my own partner, we have to briefly discuss the particulars of a fantasy ahead of time. On the surface, that sounds like it removes a lot of the romance, but it actually increases our anticipation.



Hope this helps a little.

Karenia, i enjoyed your reply. Nicely stated. Yes, a bit of kindness makes all the difference in the world. I personally am the type who would not discuss, i feel it to be private, but if it is accepted on the forum, it must be okay. bye,bye.. :-6

Thank you, Paula. I'm not sure if it is accepted in the Garden, either. Hopefully it hasn't offended anyone.

I think details are highly private, but I don't mind discussing the emotions that lie behind it all.

A Karenina wrote: Thank you, Paula. I'm not sure if it is accepted in the Garden, either. Hopefully it hasn't offended anyone.

I think details are highly private, but I don't mind discussing the emotions that lie behind it all.


I agree. I think discussing the details of sexual performance online is nearly always vulgar. I don't want to hear a color play-by-play of someone's naked party time. It's just not interesting, never mind potentially offensive, and I'm not sure of the rules around here either.

I think, too, that when discussing potentially divisive matters such as sex, there can be can be a snowball of overreaction to something that a person posted but didn't phrase well. Then the truth of what the original post was all about gets lost in arguments over semantics. That's really unfortunate and very common in internet forums.

I would hope that the people of forumgarden would be mature enough to know how to talk about these sensitive subjects without making vulgar posts, posting in an overreactive manner, or being offended that some other posters may want to discuss mature topics.

Talking about intimacy, desire, love, relationships, in a meaningful way, even though those subjects often involve sex, is extremely useful, if done tastefully.

Hey for once I'm not in trouble, yippie! QUESTION (Karenia) what is a supporting member$? Are you a garden administrator? when your name is highlighted in GREEN on-line? I have been on alot today, office sitting....

Paula, there is a link at the top of the page titled Donations. If you choose to contribute to the site, then your name appears in green and you get the "supporting member" added to your name.



I really like this site and the people here are wonderful. So the ForumGarden got my money this year instead of Public Broadcasting. Public Broadcasting is my newest boycott since they just waste my annual contribution by mailing me a thousand requests for more money anyway. LOL.

Going back to the topic, if you're not happy with something just say, be straight about it.

And I'm sorry to say it may not be your BC that's lowering your libido, it may be the simple fact that you yourself wrote what turns him on, doesn't necessarily turn me on...so it's hard for me to get into it. you say that some things you do enjoy and this is what you need to tell him, the things you do like and the things you don't.

He shouldn't be upset about it, and if you are doing the things you both enjoy he should notice.

You say "he's afraid that you are freaked out", so I assume it has already been an issue that you have both spoken about, if you pretend to enjoy it he will know, because it just won't be the same as when you really do enjoy it.

I know it's not easy, I seem to laugh at the most inappropriate times, and often don't manage to get the words out.

Karenia, I have a long-time friend who lives in Oregon. No wonder you are so nice and peaceful. She is in Monroe, has recently sent me wine from TYEE Winerys where she works. Oh interesting, i will be making a donation, i was surprised the size needed to be so small of an amount? I assumed $100.00?

Paula, what a sweet thing to say Thank you.



Letha, sorry for the threadjack...I'm slinking off now!

>>^..^ Kitty if your beau has an appetite for role playing and fantasy.. it will continue to develope...and if he bores of what he has already tried he will create more scenarios.



I have a girlfriend who had a similar situation.. her man was a little bit kinky when they dated and she just figured he would grow out of it or settle down when they were married.... but it only continued and became more complex.



Maybe you need to talk to him about it, maybe he doesn't realize what turns him on - you are just doing to please him and that other than begin happy to please, it is not your preference.



How does he react when you tell him you are tired or not in the mood.. does he accept that? or does he persist in trying to change your mind?



It is not a good thing if you are giving in just to avoid an argument.




I might have focused too much on stating the issue at hand without relaying the type of relationship we have and how open we are. It's not something I do to avoid argument- I do it because I enjoy making him happy, and it makes me happy to do so. The problem mostly lies in the fact that we don't share the same turn-ons and I wondered if anyone had some advice on how to get around that. He's very agreeable and easy to talk to, so when I tell him I'm tired or not in the mood, he is very supportive. I understand that his fantasies will continue to develop, and I have nothing against that- everyone has their own little things- I just need him to understand that I'm not necessarily turned on by the same things he is without hurting his feelings or making him embarassed. Thank you for your response- you are right I need to talk to him about it directly.

sohcahtoa wrote: Kitty, it sounds as though you're just stuck in a rut. This happens and is something that can be dealt with.

From your post, it seems that the lowered-libido side effect of your birth control meds are at least partly to blame. Is there any way you could go on a lower dose BCP (is it a pill?) or consider other methods?

You, as an adult human being, deserve to enjoy sex!, to experience the full depths and deliciousness of sexual desire. Sex need not turn into something that is done grudgingly. You're missing out and it seems that some of it is chemically induced! Can you discuss some changes in your birth control method with your doctor?

As for going along with his desires half-heartedly, well, as long as you just aren't all that horny, you aren't going to be into even the most plain vanilla sex that there is, let alone something a little more acquired in taste . I'm sure he wouldn't want this to be so one-sided either: he must be interested in pleasing you. it's disappointing for both of you if both of you aren't, um, getting off like you should (for lack of a better way to put it).

The more desire a person feels, the more the person needs to express it to their beloved. Of course since your desire is lessened right now you haven't been putting in the level of creativity or enthusiasm that he has and you probably would! if you only felt more lustful in general!

In short, I wonder if lack of desire in general is the root of the problem!

You said "he has some interesting role-playing fantasies that I have gone along with (and enjoyed) for some time". So, you do enjoy his ideas! If I were you I'd cut myself a little slack. Your sex life sounds pretty healthy, if just a little stuck in a rut at the moment.

You *do* enjoy your encounters with him and you like his fantasies, at least in theory, but you'd probably rather have some chocolate and a nice bath Problem being, sometimes sex has to be more interesting than anything else! and if it *never* is, then there's a problem.

You just have a difficult time physically enjoying yourself as much as you would like because your BC method lowers your desire. It sounds like mostly a physical problem, not one that originates in your relationship with your BF. It *could* turn into a relationship problem if you start to think of it as him being "demanding" or "strange and kinky"or if you start to believe you don't like to have sex with him at all. Not saying you do think those things: I'm saying it would be easy to wrongly start blaming details of your sex life for something you've already determined is a physical problem that you personally are experiencing.

See if there is some way for you to ramp up your desire in general. Change birth control methods or get a different, lighter dose of the one you take now. Flirt with him! Play with him! Tease him for two days straight or have him tease you, without giving in at first. Delight in this man! One of the great things about being with someone for any real length of time is the depths of exploration you can engage in together. Another great thing is not taking sex terribly seriously and being goofy and naked at the same time and laughing until your gut hurts, while still having great sex. It happens, in time

Let your own creativity blossom, hell, do everything that comes to mind that is even remotely interesting, but YOU be the one to come up with it! and hopefully then you'll have uncontrollable and wonderfully pleasing desires of your own! and you may see his requests in a different light. Only after you feel better about your own level of desire can you really judge if his tastes are reasonable to you or not: because you have said you are having trouble with desire, period.

I sincerely hope that helps. After a little while together it really is common for one or the other partner's desire to wane. Sexual desire is one of those things that can be in a state of flux throughout a relationship: you may find yourself naturally being more desirous of him soon, and less so later, and it may always fluctuate naturally. It's normal: that's the good news. You shouldn't just put up with it: that's more good news.

Good luck and let us know how it goes for you. I feel like I've taken up much too much space ! but I suck at editing.

~sohcahtoa


Thank you so much for your thoughtful response Sochatoa... I really appreciate your in-depth analysis! I agree that the birth control method might be to blame- but I am on the lowest dose pill they have right now. I don't trust the other methods (condoms), and most of the others make me very sick to my stomach. So, that might be something I will just have to work around. However, I have to mention that before this relationship I had been with a guy for over 3 years and had the most "driven" sex life possible- we never had a problem, and I had been on a much higher dose BC. So, I'm afraid the little rut now is at least partially a mental thing.

I want to make sure it's known that nothing my current boyfriend and I do is ever forced or demanded by him- he is the most caring and supportive person, and my wanting to please him is what puts me in the situation. You mentioned some good ideas, especially being creative myself, which I think would definitely help out. I think maybe another part of the problem is that he was a virgin when we met, and he isn't exactly savvy with the moves yet....so I also have that association with him before we even start- that it's not going to be that great....which isn't necessarily true at all (just a mental block for me)! Maybe after some more guidance and a little constructive criticism we will be able to work it out so that we are both satisfied. I am more than wililng to put in the time and effort to make it enjoyable for both of us, and I know he is too. I will definitely keep you updated, thank you again for your advice!!

A Karenina wrote: Thank you, Paula. I'm not sure if it is accepted in the Garden, either. Hopefully it hasn't offended anyone.

I think details are highly private, but I don't mind discussing the emotions that lie behind it all.


I hope the thread has not offended anyone either. I did not mean it to be vulgar in any sense, and apologize if anyone took it that way. I don't think human sexuality is something that needs to be hidden away or censored unless it is clearly off-collar. I think the title of the thread should summarize what the topic is, and those who may be offended are more than welcome to not read it. "Friends, Relationships, and Advice" do not exist without sex, and neither do we!

A Karenina wrote: sohchatoa, what a wonderful response!



I can't add much to that except to point out that there are many times we start out feeling that we're not in the mood, but with some tenderness and gentle attention we can change that. Exercising beforehand can change a mood, a long massage, a hot bath together, and so on.



Enjoy your own fantasies as well, and don't be afraid to ask for your turn in the drivers seat. I know with my own partner, we have to briefly discuss the particulars of a fantasy ahead of time. On the surface, that sounds like it removes a lot of the romance, but it actually increases our anticipation.



Hope this helps a little.


Great ideas! Maybe all I need is a little driver's seat time and things will be back on track! :driving:

Intresting post:) I think all posters handled themselves maturely. Hopefully that does not change.

I wish my wife would let us have sex for me and sex for her. Basically she wants it her way or I am labeled selfish. I know that is projection but it really hurts my fealing when she complains.

__________________

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/ ... elcome-344

Magic

LottomagicZ4941 wrote: Intresting post:) I think all posters handled themselves maturely. Hopefully that does not change.



I wish my wife would let us have sex for me and sex for her. Basically she wants it her way or I am labeled selfish. I know that is projection but it really hurts my fealing when she complains.
Ouch! It would hurt my feelings, too.



Forgive me if I have it wrong, but aren't you expecting a baby soon? I'm wondering if the hormonal changes from pregnancy are playing a role in your marriage lately.

JERSEYPEPPER wrote: IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT YOU REALLY LOVE HIM AND WANT TO WORK THIS OUT SO MY ADVICE WOULD BE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HIM, BECAUSE COMMUNICATION IS #1 IN RELATIONSHIPS. THEN YOU WILL FIGURE OUT EXACTLY WHAT TURNS YOU BOTH ON...

HOPE IT HELPS

GOOD LUCK

:p


You're right on all counts, I do really love him and I will definitely talk to him about it.

Hey! As you've been discussing sexual comprimise, I wonder if any of you could help me out?

I'm currently carrying out an investigation into the concept of sexual self esteem.

At present, there are existing scales which help measure individuals’ satisfaction with life and self esteem, however it is fair to say that people differ in their sexual confidence just as much as they do in their general self esteem.

If anyone is interested, I would really appreciate it if you could fill out a survey I've put together-it shouldn't take longer than 5 mins.

If you are, go to the address below and follow the instructions:

http://ess.ntu.ac.uk/sutton/formfiles/e ... esteem.htm

Your help would be much appreciated!

Rach.

i've got to get back to school...i'm missing some gooooood stuff
LMAO floptock! You and me both!

Well, the first two sections are existing scales and the last section was based on a scale used in a previous study. I had to change agreeing/disagreeing to different sides due to the way the scale is scored. However, when I write my evaluation this is going to be mentioned as a flaw which should try to be amended for future research.

I'm a final year student in Bsc (hons) Psychology with social sciences at uni in Nottingham, UK.

It's not based on a course, it's just an idea i chose for my dissertation, but was based on modules I've taken throughout the degree-specifically sociology modules (Gender, sex and society and Identities and close relationships).

Like I mentioned before, There are already existing scales measuring self esteem but there are no published scales concerning individual sexual self esteem. What I'm trying to find out is whether there is a difference between male and female sexual self esteem and if there are any 'predictors' of high/low sexual self esteem such as age, marital status etc.

Now I have to try and gather as much data from a variety of different sources (to account for the wider population) and see what I find!

I once got class credit for going to an Ozzy concert. Had to write a report.

Wife and I compermised on sex last night. I was horny and she said mabie tomarrow night.

She was tired so I didn't even get a sandwich.

Lotto

http://com4.runboard.com/blifetheuniver ... inchat.t41

MagicZ4941A

OY! The sex thing. If you can't talk about it frankly and work it out between you, LC is right. It will lead to resentment.

Personally, I have a man who is stimulated by one type of roleplaying only. Most of the time this isn't an issue, because I benefit. But sometimes, I'd like to have sex, for ME! Because "I" want to. Not because it's part of his fantasy. We are working on it.

His drive is low, mine is high! OY!

SuiteDarlin wrote: OY! The sex thing. If you can't talk about it frankly and work it out between you, LC is right. It will lead to resentment.

Personally, I have a man who is stimulated by one type of roleplaying only. Most of the time this isn't an issue, because I benefit. But sometimes, I'd like to have sex, for ME! Because "I" want to. Not because it's part of his fantasy. We are working on it.

His drive is low, mine is high! OY!
"Hunny, ya wanna role play? I'll be, uh, me and, uh, you pretend you're horny."

Accountable wrote: "Hunny, ya wanna role play? I'll be, uh, me and, uh, you pretend you're horny."
Done!

HUH?

Oh! I'm sorry, that wasn't a proposition?



roflmao:sneaky:

SuiteDarlin wrote: Oh! I'm sorry, that wasn't a proposition?







roflmao:sneaky:
Of course, just not the response I'm accustomed to. :yh_blush

flopstock wrote: so, are you controlling where you get information or do you just need people to respond? 'cause i might ahem:o ...be aware of an online group (majority male) that i could probably get to do it, if its okay with you -for me to copy the link.

Just a thought and I don't want to mess you up.






freak

flopstock wrote: so, are you controlling where you get information or do you just need people to respond? 'cause i might ahem:o ...be aware of an online group (majority male) that i could probably get to do it, if its okay with you -for me to copy the link.

Just a thought and I don't want to mess you up.
Hey Flopstock.

Sorry for the delayed reply, been away all weekend.

Anyway, I just need to collect as many replys as possible in order to gain a varied population.

If you could copy the link to the website you mentioned that would be a great help! I found that a lot of people aren't willing to fill in the survey because it concerns sex.

Thanks for your help-really appreciate it.

Rach.

Hello,

When i was on Birth control i had the same low sex drive problem, in terms of your situation, when your in the mood, maybe you should take control a little. That way he may be distracted by his fantasies. Try thinking about it ahead a bit, dress in some sexy clothes and underwear (that will help you feel good too) and make him think that its a night for him.

I was on the pill for about 8 years and it took it's toll on my like it is you right now. My husband got snipped for me a year and a half ago and the change is great since I got off the pill. He was very supportive of me while I was on it. He knew my libido was lower and he tried to help me as much as he could. Don't let insurance bar you from a better medicine. If it is not on their list, pay cash! It's worth it!

Here's some things that helped me. I talked to my doctor about it and he got me on the lowest dose that was available. That got my moodswings under control, the stronger pill made me weepy at the slightest thing. Even movies. It made me dry, and I couldn't afford the jelly, so I used baby oil to help things along. It was a big help for enjoyment. Also, pick a time of day that you have the most energy and take advantage of it.

Talk to your husband, he'll understand I'm sure. Maybe he'll come up with some ideas that will help things along. Like coming home with scented candles, etc.

Good luck hon. I know what it's like and it's a hormonal issue. Until things get "tied up" it's a burden to bear.

i can't........ believe.......... i........... missed this............... thread.

Wolverine wrote: i can't........ believe.......... i........... missed this............... thread.down boy! concentrate on school.......

lady cop wrote: down boy! concentrate on school.......


right, right. Shoot the instructor, Kick down the Dog, and play with the Perp.

Got it.

do NOT shoot the instructor, even when it's tempting! they get kind of annoyed. however, in driving cruisers class you may run over the instructor.:driving:

really? am i going to want to run him down?

you're making this sound like "Full Metal Jacket" type stuff.