ForumGarden

The house is quiet..it is nearly 2 am..I can not sleep...Many things have taken place today and I wanted to just run around the neighbor screaming "why me?- why us?" but for fear of being thrown in the nut house I figured I better just relieve my anger here...I hope no one minds..If you do--I will apologize ahead of time...



Yes this is a "feel sorry for me" time and I can't vent to family as their fears of my health seem to make them so upset..and my friends some days just don't know what to say...so to you I place my un-heard fears...

It started yesterday actually--some of you know that since the beginning of this round of chemo we knew it want a good cure rate...so my husband decided that because of the rider on my insurance, he didn't want to be stuck with my medical bills..He asked for a divorce--not because he didn't love me, but because he was afraid of being stuck with 300,000-400,000$ of medical bills and the hospital had told him people "do it" all the time..I was mortified but I hadn't a choice- he had made up his mind...It was final last week..I have cried everyday since and have been a very bad person to live with..I say things I know I don't mean and I am sure I am hurting him..but I feel abandoned even though he is still here...and anyway--they put those things in the paper here so we had to tell the older girls...I tried to explain the best way I could..but just how do you tell your children that I had to get help from a grant at the hospital for 9000$ bags of chemo...and my insurance had to stop helping me? They don't understand--but they do understand the word DIVORCE...and that hurt...(and yes we have filed a claim against Blue Cross Blue Shield and the Chrysler Company who put the rider on me without our knowledge..but that could take years and I don't have that much time)



Ok--anyway..so I get a phone call saying I should come back to the hospital ASAP..I argue and say--but you said I could have until the 4th to be at home with the kids...they say-"Bad news..you have to come Friday"...AS the room started spinning -I heard tumors are growing, kidney has to come out, and you can't receive a transplant because you are HER2 positive and your cancers are throwing tumors off to all major organs, PET scan showed tumor behind the heart..." --hmmmm ok slow down here...I am loosing a kidney right? well I have another one...that is working at 39% - I should be good till I start dialysis...she then says-if you start, you'll never get off of it--we will not give you a kidney..its a "WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY".....time?? ohhh lady--I have to have time.. I have a 6 yr old who I want to see graduate..she then says..do you want a counselor to call you?? --I say"HELL NO-- I want someone to tell me what my chances are right now.."--she says we'll talk on Friday morning...I say.."I WANT TO KNOW NOW!"...she then begins to tell me that the cancer has spread..the chemo is not working and they want to try a different kind..I answer with--"this is the 3rd time u have changed it..Will the next one work?"..she says--Dr. Yan believes that your body will begin to wear out soon and that we are going to be as aggressive as we can...Ok guys knowing MOM..I say--"and if I stop now? if I stay home and love my kids everyday... what will happen?"....she says - I don't know...maybe 6 months...OH MY GAWD! 6 months?? that puts my oldest at 14 yrs 3 months 4 days...

my 11 yr old at 12 yrs, 5 months,17 days...

my 8 yr old at 9 yrs,2 months, 9 days...

and my baby boy--my smiling baby boy at 7 yrs, 2 months, and 5 days.... A 7 year old with out his mom? Nooooo noooo noooo...this isn't happening to my family...So here I sit-- no emotion what so ever out of my husband..well X husband - he looked at me and asked.....so are you well enough and will YOU be back in time to go to my sisters graduation party tomorrow night? WHAT?? your worried about a graduation party and I am worried who will teach my daughter to drive? who will teach my 11 year to put make-up on? who will teach my 8 yr old about her frickin period? and my son.......who promises to grow up -be a farmer and build a mansion for his mommy...who will take care of him when the thunderstorms come?? WTF! I am sooooo angry right now.. I can't sleep--I can't eat...and I can't believe I am writing all of this down before I have told my own family...You guys must be pretty damn special ya know it?? --

well-- if I continue to cry I am sure to drive those 4 hours with a blistering head ache so I am off to bed...I am considering a second opinion at the MAYO clinic in Rochester--or hell why not take a frickin loan out and go to Boston..I have heard wonderful things about Boston...yeah- they'll take me with out insurance..I'll just call them up! GAWDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!:-5



Ok - so here it is..We are planning the US party of the crazy FGer's soon...one kidney or not- I will have a beer with my friends and my family from the garden...what do you say! I say we better hurry...

I am sorry if I have made you think I am plum mad...but I promise to you--I will never give up and I will never stop fighting..but throw me a pray every now and then...HE has to be in my ball park somewhere...and thank you for all the get well wishes and gifts...your the best..and God willing I will be around to bail ya all out of a mess or 2 down the road a couple years..and I hope you ask too!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Dawn

ohhh Koo thanks a bunch..fours good! LOL I just can not sleep ---So here I am surfing the posts......:rolleyes: You have a wonderful day...:yh_hugs

Dawn, i so wish that i could be at the FG gathering to meet you, you gutsy lady.

I send you a big tight hug and hope you get some positive new on Friday. X :yh_hugs

:yh_hugs Mom, keep fighting, love and prayers to you and your family :-4

Mom we are all 'rootin' for you and send love and :yh_hugs :yh_hugs :yh_hugs

Dear Dawn.. I know that the divorce stratagey just broke your heart. You are an incredibly strong woman and quite a fighter. I am zooming all my strength to you... for you to use. Love, Weeder

It is great to have a place where one can vent. And people will listen. Feel free to do so any time. Hope you are feeling fine today.

Ever notice, though, that the middle of the night is the worst time when you are feeling down? Glad we have places like this to come and sit and try to feel better.

OH MOM!!!!!! Yet again I feel helpless I sit here at work holding back the tears. Dam it all to hell, when in England I lit candles and said prayers for you in Canterbury Cathedral, and Rochester Cathedral. Curse them for now working.

I can only offer you what the rest of us can, a place to vent and cry. Hun I am so sorry so very sorry.

BR let's get a meet up going near MOM!! How close are???

hi reading about your troubles makes me appreciate what i have more. i wish

you friends and comfort. my troubles seem very small now when someone else

life is in such turmoil.





lots of luck and hugs

abctitansmom wrote: hi reading about your troubles makes me appreciate what i have more. i wish

you friends and comfort. my troubles seem very small now when someone else

life is in such turmoil.





lots of luck and hugs


how true

Such a tangle of emotion....I'm angry, I'm sad, I want to cry, I want to scream. I want to come out there and smack your husband upside his selfish head, I want to go to the hospital and threaten the lives of various doctors and other so called professionals there telling you the things they are telling you.

What about Cancer Centers of America?? Have you talked to them yet?? I have heard nothing but good about them. Try them. It can't hurt, right?

Dawn, I want to grab you up in a big bear hug and then drive to your hospital and just start kicking asses at random. And bring you along to watch. That's my knee-jerk reaction to stuff like this, and I know it's pointless, but it would make me feel better. How selfish.

Your husband, I'm sorry to say this, makes me sick. I hope you tell him that I think he's an utter loser, and karma's a bitch. He'll get as good as he gave, which is nothing. Bastard. I'd love to be there when the karma does come back and bite him in the ass, because it will. I've seen it happen dozens of times.

I'm sending you all my love and support and encouragement and hugs and prayers. We all love you here, Dawn, and if anyone does come in this thread and is offended by what you say, look out.

I don't know what else to do. Getting angry and wanting to kick the sh!t out of someone is how I deal. How you are dealing, I have no idea. You are probably the strongest person I know.

Much Love,

Criss :-4

Betty Boop wrote: :yh_hugs Mom, keep fighting, love and prayers to you and your family :-4


And from us too! Big hugs to you and your family. :yh_hugs

You're always in our thoughts and prayers. :yh_hugs

(Jives is all choked up)

Mom, you are one of the nicest people I know. Just look how much you have touched us all. God only knows the impact your letters have made on people now and in thier futures and their families futures.

My father in law just finished with some kind of "oxygen therapy" for his pancreatic cancer and they told him that he is in complete remission. No chemo, no pain, just some concentrated oxygen to the cancer. Have you heard of this? He had to go to Texas to get it done, but it was amazing.

If you are interested, let me know and I'll get more information from him.

May the Good Lord watch over you, his plan for you has been terrible in it's pain and suffering, so it must have a very, very important result. You must have a very specail place to fill and a very special job to do here on Earth.

Mom....Im so sorry this is happening to you......Il be saying prayers to Jesus for you.

Ohh- you guys are so good to me..I sometimes look back at my posts after I have gotten over my rage of self pity and think..gez...mom get over yourself! ..Today went poorly but I am back home - I have some big choices to make over this lovely holiday weekend...but one I did make as I was driving home was....I am taking my kids to Adventureland on Tuesday and we are going to ride every damn rollar coaster in the park! www.adventurelandpark.com --My kids had their last day of school today and were glad to see the monsters at the University let me escape for the weekend....maybe not by their choice but by their mothers! :driving: (MOM drives like a crazy lady through the parkway and skids past the "outpatient parking sign" - home to escape watching BR kick some arse.....ok wait--I watched for a short time...as she kicked the tar outta Nurse Romona...YEEEE HAW BR!!):-4

Thanks for the concern and prayers..you really are the best friends and family I have...Ok besides my momma! :-4 I will fill you in as I decide-thanks for the advice also...I am checking into the oxygen therepy too..sounds interesting and I am looking for some different options...

*BR starts her list of asses that need to be kicked*



# 1. Nurse Romona

Ok, Mom, who's next???? :yh_devil

Try the Cancer Centers and also MD Anderson in Houston.

Keep fighting, we're all here for you!

You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Hope you have a great time with the kids in Advertureland!

Love and hugs,

Sunny

I just don't know what to say:( You know, I thought I had suffered and had difficult choices to make in my life, but geez, good and lovely people like yourself really makes me think how lucky I have been in my life.



I don't know you well, but I want you to know that I really feel for you, I just wish there was something I could do or say, which would make you feel better. You are facing some of the biggest decisions and unknows a person could face in their life, you must be so scared, I know I would be, and I don't know if I would be able to cope in your situation. My biggest fear in life is not being able to see thoses close to me ever again (My son and My wife Carrie-Anne). I Lost both my parents within three months of each other, just over three years ago, and it stil hurts like hell.:-1

Mom, you are in my prayers, please take care.:yh_hugs

Oh dear love

Oh dear mom, johnny come lately that's always me. I just got to read your post, & after brushing away the tears, I am now sending "Super powerful prayers" & good thoughts to you, can you feel them? Don't ever give up, & keep on checking & following up on every new proceedure there is, as well as get second & or even third opinions! Just know that your loving FG family is here for you, whenever you need us to be, morning, noon, or night! :-4

Oh mom, I cried when I read your post! I know you'll keep fighting and looking, and something out there is going to help you. I WOULD send your case to the Mayo Clinic...they DO take people as second opinions, especially when their own hospital has been dicking them around. Can I say dicking them around on FG? Ah well, it's true. Even though I haven't been on the forums, I have thought of you every day and prayed for you, and I won't ever stop. *hugs*

I wish I could do something for you and your family. I have been so very lucky in my fight with cancer and that is all it is...........the luck of the draw. I wish I knew what to say to you as one cancer victim to another but I do not. I was never faced with your hard truth, how to leave my children, how to leave my life before I am ready.

I do remember telling you the story of a lady who had your cancer.......spreading and spreading............she was supposed to die. She fought for 8 years. She went to one of those specialist hospitals when she had only 6 months to live. She got in there because of the severity of the case and was not charged the full amount. It becomes a research thing at this point.

I will NEVER forget the day she came into my work with her husband........with 1 inch of hair.........we hugged and hugged. She beat it. It was hell for her and her family. Go find a good hospital that does cutting edge therapy and I REALLY believe you will see your kids grow up. I love you Mom.........fight.