weeder wrote: I threw my 21 year old son out of my apartment last night. I feel sick and rattled this morning.
Boy, this post is really heart-breaking. But it's a fact that mother Eagles throw their children out of the nest when the time comes, if not they'd never learn to fly. It must be just as difficult on her as this is on you.
I let him come live with me about 4 months ago when I returned from Georgia. Hes had a rough couple of years.
And I'd say that's one of the duties of a parent, to support their child when they are going through a change. I've stayed with my parents for a week or two from time to time between career changes.
Had a wife and new baby leave him. He took it very hard. He has not been able to pull himself together.
Not to pry, but has he done any soul searching as to why they would leave him? That's a very big decision for a girl to make, and most I knwo wouldn't make it lightly.
I love him so much.
That goes without saying, knowing you!
He doesnt work. Wont or cant keep a job. He sleeps all day... eats me down to the walls... is a complete slob... and is also often belligerent, rude, and angry.
Whoa! Hold the phone right there! I have kind of a problem with this. A work ethic is mandatory for survival these days. Will he take a job like fast food? They hire anyone. Does he have the attitude that those jobs are "beneath him?" Nothing's beneath a person who is starving.
There could be a self-esteem issue, but I know a cure for self esteem issues. Getting a job. The satisfaction of work and a paycheck will do wonders for that problem. And everyone starts out on the bottom of the ladder, hard work and determination (combined with an education) will quickly get you up the ladder.
So we need to understand why he doesn't want to work.
He gets high.
OK....That would do it. This is most likely the root cause of all the other problems, from the breakup to the unemplyment. Until he gets help with this, nothing else can change. Look around for some counselors, sometimes there are community programs that can help if you're strapped for cash.
Getting him to get help will be a problem, people don't change until they have to. Two ways to do that:
1. Force him to get treatment. The fastest way to do that is to get him arrested, that's probably distasteful to you. (and rightfully so, what parent would want to put their child in jail? Answer: a parent that has tried everything else and is at the end of their rope. (Teaching a child that there are consequences to breaking the law isn't a bad lesson, that's life.)
2. Use postive re-enforcement. If you get treatment I'll...(help you get an apartment of your own, help find you a job, etc. )
Often he is out all night and sleeps for days. I cannot take it anymore. I dont want to live like this.
Who can blame you? You are torn between the life of your son and your own life. It doesn't get worse than that. But as others have suggested, nothing will change until you take the first step. (Without leaving the nest, no Eaglet can fly.)
I am so torn. On the one hand I feel entiltled to my privacy and my peace at home. On the other I feel selfish for not having the strength to continue with this mission to " save him"
Your mission should be over at this point. 21 is far, far beyind your legal responsibility of 18, and truthfully, this relationship is destructive for both of you now as it is. It has to change.
Last night he was high.. Slipped a girlfriend into his room while I dozed on the couch. I threw them both out of here.
This shows a complete lack of respect for you and your house. He holds you in contempt, as shown by his actions.
He called later to ask" Why are you putting me out of here tonite? My heart is broken.
This is called "passive aggression" it is the worst possible psychological weapon. psychologists call it "crazymaking" for a good reason.
Here's an example: "You suck, just kidding." See, I take away any chance you have to object by saying "just kidding."
In this case he knows full well that it is his lack of respect for your rules and your house that caused the problem, but instead of taking responsibility for the problem, he plays the guilt card and says "why are YOU..." putting all the blame on you. It's psychological warfare of the worst sort.
What is the point of explaning it to him anymore. He doesnt hear me......... What upsets me is the way their behavior makes you turn ugly. The things I have to say make me feel sick
Which is exactly what he wants you to feel, that way he can continue to slack off his responsibility, piling it all on you.
Am I really supposed to believe that my action will make him see the light? I would go on with things the way they were if I thought it was doing him any good. But it isnt.
Exactly. They call it "toughlove." and not because it's just tough on the receiver. When you spank a two year old because he ran out in front of a car, you want to achieve a couple of things:
1. You want the lesson to be instantly learned and permanently remembered for the child's safety.
2. You want to teach that there are unpleasant consequences for dangerous or bad behavior.
This situation is exactly the same, and just like the example, it's painful for both parties.
I wish so much that I had a sense of entitlement and self preservation for myself.
You do have that, you told him to leave, didn't you?
Then I could do the right thing, and not suffer.
That's impossible, then you would either have no conscience or no love.
Help me. Tell me I wasnt wrong to end this.
Not only were you not wrong, you literally had no other choice if you truly love your son. You are wrong in thinking that this is the end.
Someday, when life (and you) has forced him to become responsible and caring, he'll come back to you and thank you for doing this. He's not stupid, he knows this is for the best. And like a 5 year old who will deliberately stay up at night to see how far he can go, he's been pushing the limits. It's time to put yor foot down...
And show him that you truly care.
Once, I heard two girls talking, one was upset because her mother put severe limits on her behavior, "She searches my room, I have a curfew and she makes me call her all the time and tell here where I am, " she lamented.
The other girl looked at her and told her, "At least your mom loves you, mine doesn't give a damn what I do."
You see? Kids want rules. They want limits and consequences, it tells them that you have their best interests at heart and that you truly do love them. They'll tell you all day long that they don't, they'll bait you with, "why did you do that to me?" knowing full well it was their behavior that caused the action. What they are hoping for is parenting.
They are hoping you will step up, take them in hand, and force their behavior.
That's exactly what you have done. Now stick to your guns, don't backslide or waffle. That's the worst possible thing to do. Firm but fair, always.
The thing that really gets me is that HE has a son. He isnt taking care of him. And yet Ive been taking care of him like hes a child.
And being a teacher, I can tell you that this kind of thing is cyclic. If you don't give him the guts and the courage to succeed today. if you don't force his hand and make him survive on his own merit, his son has absolutely no chance. And the pattern will repeat itself again and again.
