ForumGarden

This will be a bit long, but to understand the situation I have to give the background so here goes, bear with me:-5 . I come from a small family and I am the only son and I have an older sister and a younger sister. My father died in 1980 and my mother retired with very little means. In 1997 she asked me if I would buy her place for the cost of back taxes she couldn't pay. So I paid the taxes and the property became mine and was put into my name. One verbal agreement we had was that she would have a home, rent free for the rest of her life and I agreed. Fast forward to 2004, my mother's health started to fail and she is now in a nursing home with no prospects of returning to her home. She has no money and nothing of value whatsoever and so the property just sits there with her belongings in and no one living there. In the meantime, my daughter and her family want to buy the place and own it. The problem I have is the verbal agreement I have with my mother. As long as she is alive, I am having trouble making a move on it because of the agreement, yet I know she will never return to it:( . I must mention that my mother's mental state is not the best as she has dementia and her short term memory is no good. My sisters don't go see her at all, but I do several times a week. We are not a close family, but we don't bicker either. I need an outsiders opinion of what I should do. Help!!:-3

hello, welcome to FG.....this will sound very cold to some, but a verbal agreement is only worth the paper it's written on. you have met your moral obligation, and circumstances have changed since the original agreement. if you sell to your daughter it is still in the family. and you're not going to abandon your mother. she's where she needs to be if suffering from dementia. if all you have written is accurate, then you can proceed with a good conscience. life shall go on for the next generation. would your mother want that?

My siblings and I were in the same situation just last September. I agree with the previous two posters in that you have done what you agreed to do, and from your post it doesn't sound like you are going to abandon your mother. If she should make a miraculous recovery, cross that bridge then. Sell the house to your daughter, BUT keep your mom's 'stuff' in storage somewhere until 'the time comes' so you and your sister can dispose of it in the appropriate manner.

Situations like this can become very emotional. I agree that verbal agreements really don't carry much weight.

You have fulfilled your obligation and will continue to if called upon. I am sure your Mum would want the home to stay in the family, and she would be very agreeable to that.

Rest assured, your Mums needs are being met. It can be disturbing when a parent has to be in a nursing home, and eventhough that is not our initial intention, sometimes we have no control, and the situation calls for that.

The people there are trained to best meet your mums needs in there, so you rest assured. Good that you visit frequently, that will help you and her.

Thanks to all that replied, it has helped greatly. I just have to get my mindset that it will be ok. This home in question is not any large estate and it hasn't been in the family for many years. Had that been the case, it may make a bit of difference. My mother has voiced her concern in the past that she wish she had a burial fund and I have always told her that it would be taken care of. So when I do sell the place a fund will be established from the money and it will be taken care of in full. My sisters have little money and so that it the reason my mother has made me power of attourney and has turned to me in the past. My mother has no life insurance. Again, thanks for the replies. :p

I also agree with the above,makes sense this way.If she were too get healthy enough too leave the home she would probably not be well enough too live on her own and might be in yours.The sale of the home would give you a "money set aside" situation for her future what ever comes.This way you will be able too do what ever it takes for your mom.Thus sealing your commitment too her,And giving you piece of mind like a good son.

Moondog wrote: This will be a bit long, but to understand the situation I have to give the background so here goes, bear with me:-5 . I come from a small family and I am the only son and I have an older sister and a younger sister. My father died in 1980 and my mother retired with very little means. In 1997 she asked me if I would buy her place for the cost of back taxes she couldn't pay. So I paid the taxes and the property became mine and was put into my name. One verbal agreement we had was that she would have a home, rent free for the rest of her life and I agreed. Fast forward to 2004, my mother's health started to fail and she is now in a nursing home with no prospects of returning to her home. She has no money and nothing of value whatsoever and so the property just sits there with her belongings in and no one living there. In the meantime, my daughter and her family want to buy the place and own it. The problem I have is the verbal agreement I have with my mother. As long as she is alive, I am having trouble making a move on it because of the agreement, yet I know she will never return to it:( . I must mention that my mother's mental state is not the best as she has dementia and her short term memory is no good. My sisters don't go see her at all, but I do several times a week. We are not a close family, but we don't bicker either. I need an outsiders opinion of what I should do. Help!!:-3
Why not rent this house to your daughter and family for the time being. The rent would go towards the taxes, upkeep of the residence and property, and some in the bank for her burial services. The house will not be sitting empty and the verbal agreement you have with your mother won't be broken. When the time comes that your mother passes away, then sell the house to your daughter at that time. I have a question....why don't your sisters visit their mother? IMO....if you are shouldering the burden of total care for your mother, without any involvement from these sisters, whatever you decide to do, is at your discretion.

I agree with the first sugestions. Because the family is not close, renting could turn explosive if anybody is not johnny-on-the-spot with rent or repairs, so it's just not worth it.



If your mom's not going to get better, you've done your duty as a good son. Good job.



Sell the house, and for chrissakes, don't finance it yourself. Also, expect some trouble when it comes to Mom's things. Family and momentos are funny things when they're in the same room. This is true whether you sell the house or not.

Far Rider wrote: OMG!



Am I to be the lone dessenter?



Your word is your word man, honor it to your mother. What happens if in her last few days she asks you to bring her home to die? Thats a pretty reasonable request.



Either ask her to release you from the promise or honor it.



Sorry to be hardcase, but thats what I'd do.
Then he'd better move himself or somebody into it so it doesn't fall apart..... and not family.

Might I suggest to at this time you become power of attorney for your mom before she is totally lost to you all and this will help with all the legalize in all this. Far you are right honorable, but the mom is likely not going to get back to the house so if she was assured it would stay in the family and she would be looked after then it is likely best for everyone.

Wow, more great advice! Thanks. In responce to renting the property I will have to say that there is no way I want to rent it. I want out from under it altogether so I am not responsible for upkeep. Unfortunatly my daughter and son in law are not that great at keeping house and I just don't want that headache. They want to own, not rent because they want a place of their own. They want me to go with land contract but I say no way. They can get a loan and pay me for the property or they don't get it. Trust me, I have my reasons..

As for my mother living with me, I have thought about this but it just isn't feasable with our jobs and a smaller house. If she were to come here, she may as well be at her own place because there wouldn't be much difference. Thanks again!!!:-6

I think you've already done the honourable thing and adhered to the agreement. Surely the agreement between you only had validity as long as she was able to live there. As you say she will not return, there is no need to reproach yourself.

My mom's on the slippery slope too and I've had Power of Attorney for a few years, just signed and on standby.

I have yet to invoke it - I handle all her affairs and explain what's what and let her sign herself for as long as she's able to.

It's definately worth considering, but I'd get some advice on whether it's possible at this stage.

I take it she's coherent, at least sometimes?











Ask her.

My plan is to go to my mother, who is coherant at times, and explain it all to her and see what she says(she has her good days and her bad days). I posted here to get outside views and try and sort it out in my own head. I think I am ready to take it on now. Back in November I set the date to talk to her about it as April first and I am sticking with that plan. Minks, I have been Durable Power of Attorney for two years now. Thanks...

Don't be a stranger. You've got us into the story now. It'd be cruel not to follow up.



Good luck, Moondog.

Thanks, I will try and remember to post the outcome.:yh_think

Well, it has been a couple months now since I posted and progress has been made. I told Accountable and others I would post later on and so here I am. After the advice all have gave me I had a talk with my mother and she said I could do what I wanted. I then went to work and boxed all her stuff and moved it all into a storage unit. I am selling the property to my daughter and son in law by land contract, via a lawyer and they are now nearly moved in. The problem is that my sister who lives near by is having a fit about it. She said there was no reason to make a move on this now and moving my mom's stuff could have waited till she and my other sister came in and went through things, yet each and every time I went to box things up I told her I was there and she made no effort to come look or help or anything. This has caused some arguments and will continue to do so. She says she wants no part of it and that all the stuff is mine. I told her that if I thought it was mine I would sort it all and get rid of it or bring it home. My other sister is very understanding about the situation though. So here I am paying 50 bucks a month for a storage rental unit and on top of that we found out that the water sand point at the trailer is no good so I have to pay for a new one there too. I think that some of the problem with my sister is the fact that it is sort of an end of my mother as having a home and also the fact that she doesn't like my son in law and doesn't want them living in the same town. The town is very small of only about 128 people at most.

On top of all that, I plan on paying the trailer payments to the local funeral home as future payment of my mother's expenses. Both of my sisters have very little and since I am the only son, I feel I should do this. I feel that my local sister is being very unreasonable, but what can I do. Anyway, there you are with an update on the situation. Thank You, MD

Wow! Thanks for following up, MD. I hope it all works out smoothly from here.