Adoption Question

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Mon Jan 30, 2006 2:13 pm

My husband and I have had the talk about adopition...FINALLY! We are starting our saving fund and hope to start the process sometime next year.

I just had a question that I cannot seem to find on adoption sites and was wondering if anyone here was ever involved in adoption and might know. I have a family member who lives in another state that was convicted of child molestation. Do I have to disclose this information even though he wouldnt be around the child? I know they do background checks on prospective parents but what about their parents (grandparents of adopted child)?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Jan 30, 2006 2:17 pm

I don't know the answer to your question, but you have my undying respect and gratitude for opening your heart in this way.

:yh_clap :yh_flower :yh_clap

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Mon Jan 30, 2006 2:20 pm

Thanks Acc. I dont know if you have ever seen any of my vulgar, profane posts before whenever its on subjects regarding children being killed by moms, abandoned babies, etc...but I have wanted children all of my life! My husband and I have been trying for like two years now. We have been married for three, and I am not a DEEPLY religious person, but I believe in God and they always say you know when he is trying to tell you something and I just believe its my purpose in life to adopt. We have decided that EVEN IF we get pregnant, we're still going to adopt.

P.S. What are you guys' thoughts on International adoption? I think that is what we are going to do.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Jan 30, 2006 2:32 pm

DesignerGal wrote: Thanks Acc. I dont know if you have ever seen any of my vulgar, profane posts before whenever its on subjects regarding children being killed by moms, abandoned babies, etc...but I have wanted children all of my life! My husband and I have been trying for like two years now. We have been married for three, and I am not a DEEPLY religious person, but I believe in God and they always say you know when he is trying to tell you something and I just believe its my purpose in life to adopt. We have decided that EVEN IF we get pregnant, we're still going to adopt.

P.S. What are you guys' thoughts on International adoption? I think that is what we are going to do.
I believe adoption should be the first consideration if a single woman is pregnant. Unfortunately it's too often last, but don't get me started here. :p

As for international adoption, I know firsthand that it is simply not part of Japanese tradition to adopt. Blood relation and reputation is extremely important there, so orphans are usually warehoused and ostracised. From what I've learned here in FG, adoption is not very common in the UK either (though I could be wrong about that)

Kids need parents. Kids need love. That's what really matters, in my book.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Jan 30, 2006 2:41 pm

i gave a child for adoption.........adoption ( 1 2) lady cop ....and i am forever grateful for the wonderful parents my daughter had. i wish you and your future child much happiness! and to comment on Acc's post, i don't think it's wrong for me to say something Bothwell has already posted here, he was a twin and he and his brother were adopted in England at age 4, to wonderful parents. but i also don't know how prevalent adoption is there.

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:34 am

Oh, best wishes to you and your husband!!!:)

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:45 am

LINK

That Google ad section at the top of the page is pretty useful. I found this there.

Q. What is an adoption home study?

A. An adoption home study is a review of you, your spouse, and anyone living in your home. It highlights items such as relationships, interactions with children, your neighborhood, and your childhood. A home study is required every adoption. The home study helps the courts, and us, determine if a stable environment exists for a family to receive an adoptive placement.

Q. When should we start the home study?

A. It is extremely important that the home study be started immediately! On average, American Adoptions can complete your home study in as little as 1-4 weeks, but if you utilize another agency a home study can take 90 days or longer to complete.

Families waiting before they start the home study delays them from becoming an "active" adoptive family with us. We cannot begin the search to locate a child for you without a completed home study.

Q. Who should complete our adoption home study?

A. Under no circumstances should you allow just anyone to complete your home study. We work with families from across the United States and constantly see the difficulty they endure with home studies. Many pay hundreds of dollars more than they should have, while others are forced to have their home studies redone because it contains insufficient information or was done by an unqualified individual.

Unqualified individuals include social workers performing home studies independently and not under the supervision of a licensed adoption agency. While the home study may meet the minimum requirements for your particular state, in most instances the home study would be rendered invalid in other states because it was not completed by a licensed adoption agency.

American Adoptions can complete your home study if you live in Arizona, Florida, Kansas, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, or New Jersey. Our Free Adoption Information provides detailed information about our home study services.

If you live in another state you can go to www.1800homestudy.com for a FREE referral to a qualified adoption professional to complete your home study.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:50 am

DesignerGal wrote: My husband and I have had the talk about adopition...FINALLY! We are starting our saving fund and hope to start the process sometime next year.

I just had a question that I cannot seem to find on adoption sites and was wondering if anyone here was ever involved in adoption and might know. I have a family member who lives in another state that was convicted of child molestation. Do I have to disclose this information even though he wouldnt be around the child? I know they do background checks on prospective parents but what about their parents (grandparents of adopted child)?

Awww how wonderful. As for the disclosure of the dilenquent family member I bet that is a state by state thing. As for international adoption go for it. I think that is a wonderful choice as well. I have a co-worker who has adopted 2 children from another country and are looking to adopt 2 more, very admirable. Anyone who adopts is a blessing.

Acc I am with you 100% adoption should be a young womans first choice when you think of the many couples out there wishing to have children who can not.

Good luck in your endevours DGirl.

Bothwell · Post by **Bothwell** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:58 am

I dont know the laws in the USA but if you do this then you are a Princess amongst Women in my book, I owe everything to the adoption process.

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 9:05 am

Bothwell wrote: I dont know the laws in the USA but if you do this then you are a Princess amongst Women in my book, I owe everything to the adoption process.

Arent you sweet. That woman of yours is lucky to have you (and vice versa). I just want a baby so bad and I am not looking for credit or praise. I have emailed my question to adoption.org because I cant find an answer specific enough. If my father's bad decisions screw this up for me I dont know what I will say to him. But I will de disappointed, an understatement, and probably have some pretty choice words for him. I just dont know if I should go ahead and tell the agency, and be disqualified, or not disclose it, then they find out and there are worse consequences. If it does get fowled up because of him, that is just one more way he has screwed up ALL of our lives.

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:22 am

This is the email I got back in case any one is interested. What should I do?

"Thank you for your interest in International Adoption. We often have families with unique situations like this and there is rarely a clear "yes or no" answer as to eligibility. The fact that your father (the adopted child's grandfather) had a felony arrest does not automatically disqualify you from adopting. However, a social worker would need to assess whether or not this would affect your ability to provide a healthy home for a child. Sometimes we can assess the situation to determine if this would disqualify you to adopt in the application phase, but other times it is something that would need to be assessed by a social worker (who will have four face-to-face meetings with you). In other words, you may pass through the application phase, but then the social worker may obtain more information during the homestudy and decide that based on that information you are not qualified to adopt a child. I am sure this is a sensitive subject for you, but please know that it will need to be discussed thoroughly during the home study process.

Right now I would recommend that you complete an application and include as much information as you can about the circumstances surrounding the arrest. I suggest you also address the following questions:

"Were you or anyone currently living in your home a victim of child molestation?"

"Do you have any grown children that were the victim of molestation?"

"Will your adopted child have contact with your father?" "If so, give details."

"Have you or your spouse ever been the subject of any investigation by Child Protective Services?""

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 7:27 am

Welcome to BeauraucracyLand. [smilie=8,26,32]

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 10:28 am

DesignerGal wrote: This is the email I got back in case any one is interested. What should I do?

"Thank you for your interest in International Adoption. We often have families with unique situations like this and there is rarely a clear "yes or no" answer as to eligibility. The fact that your father (the adopted child's grandfather) had a felony arrest does not automatically disqualify you from adopting. However, a social worker would need to assess whether or not this would affect your ability to provide a healthy home for a child. Sometimes we can assess the situation to determine if this would disqualify you to adopt in the application phase, but other times it is something that would need to be assessed by a social worker (who will have four face-to-face meetings with you). In other words, you may pass through the application phase, but then the social worker may obtain more information during the homestudy and decide that based on that information you are not qualified to adopt a child. I am sure this is a sensitive subject for you, but please know that it will need to be discussed thoroughly during the home study process.

Right now I would recommend that you complete an application and include as much information as you can about the circumstances surrounding the arrest. I suggest you also address the following questions:

"Were you or anyone currently living in your home a victim of child molestation?"

"Do you have any grown children that were the victim of molestation?"

"Will your adopted child have contact with your father?" "If so, give details."

"Have you or your spouse ever been the subject of any investigation by Child Protective Services?""

oooo let's tear open some wounds. Oooo Good luck hun pity you have to lay it all out there but hang in there ok.

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 10:37 am

Thanks for your kind words. My sister and husband say not to disclose the information, but I dont think I could do that. Its not right. I have never been molested, neither has my husband, I dont have any children, the child would never be with my dad, unless it was a holiday (I dont mean vacation, for those of you overseas) and there were fifty people in the room, and neither one of us has ever been investigated by child services, so I am thinking I have a chance. I did go to therapy when I was younger after all of this came out, so all in all I think I am a pretty well rounded person. I mean I dont have any sexually deviant tendancies, etc. I certainly wouldnt/couldnt put my child or anyone else's in danger.

You have to be 30 to adopt from China, so I am waiting one more year. My husband is in his late 30's. Besides, I need to save the $20,000 USD it costs. I am 1/20th of the way there! LOL!

P.S.

ALl of you guys are so supportive, but like I said before, I think I will completely go off on my dad if his actions dictate my ability to adopt a child.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 10:56 am

DesignerGal wrote: Thanks for your kind words. My sister and husband say not to disclose the information, but I dont think I could do that. Its not right. I have never been molested, neither has my husband, I dont have any children, the child would never be with my dad, unless it was a holiday (I dont mean vacation, for those of you overseas) and there were fifty people in the room, and neither one of us has ever been investigated by child services, so I am thinking I have a chance. I did go to therapy when I was younger after all of this came out, so all in all I think I am a pretty well rounded person. I mean I dont have any sexually deviant tendancies, etc. I certainly wouldnt/couldnt put my child or anyone else's in danger.

You have to be 30 to adopt from China, so I am waiting one more year. My husband is in his late 30's. Besides, I need to save the $20,000 USD it costs. I am 1/20th of the way there! LOL!

P.S.

ALl of you guys are so supportive, but like I said before, I think I will completely go off on my dad if his actions dictate my ability to adopt a child.

I wish you well.

sheryl_b · Post by **sheryl_b** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 11:24 am

You seem to beable to offer a loving home to a child and realise the threat your relative is.........You should disclose this information but also express the fact that the child will be your priority and will NEVER be placed in danger They expect you to be truthfull and alot of people probably would keep this information quiet, if you keep quiet then was allowed to adopt eventually it would be found out and the child which was placed with you would be took away and it would shatter all your dreams

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Thu Aug 24, 2006 11:58 pm

I thought I would resurrect this thread so as not to post a new one that would touch on a similar topic.

First of all, I would love to hear if DesignerGal has applied and what's going on with the process.

Secondly, I would be interested to know if anyone here has adopted and how they felt about the process. You see, my chances of having children are minimal (polycystic ovary/hormonal imbalance/uterus far too small to carry). I may sound selfish, but I see no point in OD-ing on hormone and fertility treatments, torturing my body, and putting my health in jeopardy just to have a child when there are countless perfect children out there who need a good family. On top of that, I'm a smoker and I'm not 100% sure that quitting during the pregnancy will be enough to eliminate the possibility of congenital malformations. Plus, a sticky thing for both of us is that we both grew up quite poor, despite the fact that my parents are MDs and his have PhDs (we were born in communist countries; he immigrated as a child and I'm immigrating now). So we want to be reasonably financially secure (tenure-track jobs, 120+K combined income, downpayment on house) before we have children because we want to give then the opportunities we didn't have (travelling abroad, private schools, choice of universities, etc). Now that won't happen for another 10 years, when I'll be 35 and at an increased risk to give birth to a malformed child. Again, why take that risk when we could have a non-biological child anyway?

Sorry for the long background - I have no idea why I'm justifying myself

So this is my question: should we go public or private? I read the official information, pros and cons, etc on each, but I'd like to hear some actual experiences (i.e. how it is to be on the applicant's side of the fence).

I'm personally biased against international because the costs involved are enormous and we could use that money towards the child's college fund. Plus, taking time off work and travelling might be difficult if my partner decides to work in the industry, rather than in the academe. So I think we will exclude this option.

Therefore, has anyone adopted either through the public system or the private one? What are your experiences?

Or, if you were adopted at a later age, do you remember anything about the process? How did you feel when you entered your new family, especially if you were placed in foster care before? We would prefer an older child (6-8) because we don't want to be too old as the child is growing up and because my impression is that everyone wants babies, so older children tend to be at a disadvantage. Also, we would like it to be a mutual match and the child to have some agency over whether s/he wants to be placed with us (mutual choice). It also seems that the waiting period is much shorter precisely because most people don't want older kids.

I know this might be a sensitive issue for those of you who went through the process, so please know that you will have my utmost gratitude for answering.

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:26 am

Felinessa,

I have PCOS and also a small womb. I have started IUI cycles and the first one failed. I just talked to the specialist this morning, and she said we could move on to injectable IUI cycles next time around. Its more costly than the oral meds for the IUI cycle. I think we might go as far as one or two in-vitro cycles and then start the adoption process. The hormones arent what takes a toll on the body. Patients and the nurse and doctor both say its harder on the mind than anything else. Adoption is just as costly if not more. International adoption is just as expensive as private adoption in the states. You can expect to spend about $20,000 USD. As far as public adoption, IM assuming you mean out of foster care, that can cost around $5000USD. Private adoptions are costly because remember, there are LOTS of legal fees and you have to pay for the biological mother's healthcare up to birth and any birth-related care post-natal. SOme insurance companies cover a portion of this but not a whole lot post-birth.

I personally do NOT want an "open adoption" because my sister in law adopted and had the baby for a whole month when the birth mother changed her mind and by law she had to hand the baby back over. It was devastating for her. She adopted again and moved across the country just so she wouldnt run into the birth mother and have that happen all over again.

I commend you for adoption, its a great thing. I know I am going to have a child one day, and wether its biological or not I will love that child just the same.

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Fri Aug 25, 2006 3:30 pm

Actually, I was reading on public adoption in Canada, and it's supposed to be generally free or very low cost. The disadvantage is that you don't have much choice when it comes to the child, since, according to them, they place the children "according to their best interest." Now I wonder if it wouldn't be in the child's best interest to be placed with a family they met and have something in common with, but I imagine that they probably make an effort to match you appropriately. That's when I ran into the race issue - it didn't seem to be there with private or international.

I've been thinking about the open adoption issue too. Since I'd prefer an older child, I don't think there is much danger about the mother showing up to take it back (my heart goes to your sister for what what happened), but there is still the question of whether we want the mother located and part of our lives. And would that be good for the child or would that just create complications? I'm not sure what the answer is.

I think my decision to adopt came in university, when I met a really great girl I worked with. She was very bright (I interviewed her for a presidential scholarship, which she got) and overall a very cool person. She told me later she was adopted and that she had spent her childhood in foster care. Her natural mother abused the sh*t out of her (she still had scars on her hands). So it made me angry that such a beautiful and smart kid, that any parent would have *killed* to have biologically, had to have such a miserable early life. And her adoptive parents weren't quite great either. So that's why I'm leaning towards the public system, since my impression is that the private is mostly for people wanting a newborn.

Question:

- would it be wrong to manifest a preference for a gifted/very smart child?

I guess I'm thinking again about my friend, and I know that we will be able to provide the kind of education that would allow someone like that to flourish. And I think that an intellectually gifted child would feel at home with us and with the things we can offer.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:22 pm

Felinessa wrote: I may sound selfish, but I see no point in OD-ing on hormone and fertility treatments, torturing my body, and putting my health in jeopardy just to have a child when there are countless perfect children out there who need a good family. *picking myself off the floor* How can anyone claim that adoption is selfish? As long as you're not collecting them to match your interior design or something, that is.

Sorry I didn't read your entire post, but I'm short on time & have to pick up pizza. I've been in foster care, though I was never "up" for adoption. I had many friends who were, though, of every age. Some of them would have committed murder - like literally - if they thought it would help their chances for finding a loving family who would love them.

I'd recommend going slowly, though. This is so much more important than a marriage. You can't take 'em back for a refund. Make 100% sure.

Gotta run. Good luck! :yh_flower

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Fri Aug 25, 2006 8:59 pm

Accountable wrote: You can't take 'em back for a refund.

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

I'm a biological kid, and I think my parents often regretted the no refunds policy :yh_rotfl

Just curious - is foster care as bad as I heard it is? I don't know how people can give kids away after they lived with them for a while. I couldn't give back a kitten ...

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Aug 25, 2006 9:08 pm

Adoption is so different across the countries...

I dont think you are selfish.

But I also think envorinment has alot to do with the end product. Save for a disability (thet can be as simple as ADHD from a Alcoholic mother while carrying) you can teach kids great study habits so they flourish, like I said, adopt or not, its YOUR child. You love it, you teach it, and its YOURS!

But IM a bitter old bitch that has been trying to conceive for some time now...Oct is 3 years (withd rugs and medical intervention) so I might be a little biased.

Good luck...let me know about the process...so I know what to expect!:-6

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Fri Aug 25, 2006 9:22 pm

Oh, we're not starting it for another 7-8 years or so. I guess it depends how fast I finish my PhD and get my paws on a tenure-track job. So I think you'll be the one teaching me

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:55 pm

DesignerGal wrote: Thanks Acc. I dont know if you have ever seen any of my vulgar, profane posts before whenever its on subjects regarding children being killed by moms, abandoned babies, etc...but I have wanted children all of my life! My husband and I have been trying for like two years now. We have been married for three, and I am not a DEEPLY religious person, but I believe in God and they always say you know when he is trying to tell you something and I just believe its my purpose in life to adopt. We have decided that EVEN IF we get pregnant, we're still going to adopt.

P.S. What are you guys' thoughts on International adoption? I think that is what we are going to do.

DG...I recently read an article about adopting chinese baby girls. There are thousands abandoned due to the 'One child only' laws in China and the fact that boys are preferred for their 'earning' capacity.etc.

I would think that there is a lot of information on the 'web'.

I don't know about the US laws regarding adoption, but I do hope you are successful...there are many kids out there that deserve loving parents like you and your husband....good luck :-4

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 10:48 am

When I saw this today, I thought immediately of you.....enjoy!

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 1:34 pm

Lulu2 wrote: When I saw this today, I thought immediately of you.....enjoy!

:wah:

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Mon Aug 28, 2006 5:58 am

Bez wrote: DG...I recently read an article about adopting chinese baby girls. There are thousands abandoned due to the 'One child only' laws in China and the fact that boys are preferred for their 'earning' capacity.etc.

I would think that there is a lot of information on the 'web'.

I don't know about the US laws regarding adoption, but I do hope you are successful...there are many kids out there that deserve loving parents like you and your husband....good luck :-4

Thanks Bez. We already have our application filled out and saved funds for when we are ready. With Chinese adoption, the youngest parent cant even fill out the app until they are 29 1/2 and thats October for me.

The biggest misconception about CHina is they have a one child only rule, you can have more than one child but for each child born after the first there are huge amonuts of "fines" you have to pay. And you have to get a special permit. They just make you pay thousands to have more than one child. There are alot of wealthy families in CHina because they can afford it.