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Hello my name is lizzie love (I know ridiculous isn't it?) and I just wanted to share some jokes. When we are laughing we are usually happy (physiological effect) although when we are happy we do not neccesarily laugh........smiling will do for that!:)

anyway i am new (computer illiterate beware:-3 ) is My Sign:-3 , to all this so here I go.

The Day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

A Hot Dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

The barman told him, "Sorry we don't serve food"

What fish fixes a piano?.........a Tuna .

Have a funday (that's a dessert with a speech impediment:) )

Love Lizzie

tmbsgrl wrote: lol Thanks Lizzie Love!!


you're welcome tmbsgrl nice to meet you, feel free to post a funny. .... and here's another...

This year my new years resolution was to join a gym.

Next year I'll start going .............:wah: (rolling on floor clutching stomachh heee

hee!)

I always thought that reincarnation meant you would come back as a flower....:wah:

You three are a right pair if ever I saw one

Uncle Kram wrote: You three are a right pair if ever I saw one
thankyou Uncle K:wah:

Why do policemen have bigger Balls than firemen?

They sell more tickets.:wah:

Why do dogs....

No sorry, I can't say that one

Uncle Kram wrote: Why do dogs....

No sorry, I can't say that one


I put my Beagle on Viagra,

now he's a Pointer

Why are elephants big, grey and bulky?

Because if they were small, round and white, they'd be an Aspirin

Uncle Kram wrote: Why are elephants big, grey and bulky?

Because if they were small, round and white, they'd be an Aspirin


Noooooooooooo it's so you can spot them in a bowl of custard :wah:

Lizzie Love wrote: Noooooooooooo it's so you can spot them in a bowl of custard :wah:
What if they've painted their toenails yellow and are lying on their back?

I don't know if any of you have heard of Steven Wright, but he is pretty funny. Here are some of his quotes:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright is the greatest comedian in my opinion

Uncle Kram wrote: What if they've painted their toenails yellow and are lying on their back?
true.

what do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant? :wah:

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

Beagle wrote: I don't know if any of you have heard of Steven Wright, but he is pretty funny. Here are some of his quotes:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


Great stuff thankyou.

Ongettting older,

I don't mind the March of Time.........

but do they have to do it on MY face!!!!!:-1

what do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?

Go on

Uncle Kram wrote: what do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?

Go on


that's it.:-3

LOVE the Colin one, had me crying. :wah:

I went to see my Dentist. He said "Say Aaaah"

"Why?" I asked

He said "My dog's died"

Uncle Kram wrote: I went to see my Dentist. He said "Say Aaaah"

"Why?" I asked

He said "My dog's died"


Expressions for Women on High Stress Days:

1. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

2. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

4. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

5. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

6. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

7. Is it time for your medication or mine?

8. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I phoned my local swimming baths and asked "Is that the local swimming baths?"

He said "It depends where you're phoning from"

Were the grandkids particularly fond of this one?

I just had a vision of them sitting expectantly at your feet while you read it to them

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the

stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from

humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on

his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a

Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come... about

5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom..."After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be

some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,

Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've

been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what

should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ........ Just gonna be the two of us."

Uncle Kram wrote: Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the

stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from

humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on

his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a

Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come... about

5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom..."After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be

some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,

Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've

been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what

should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ........ Just gonna be the two of us."


THANKYOU Uncle K you have made my day.....crying (laughing) again :wah:

Love Lizzie

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten, one to screw it in and nine to congratulate him in the pub. :-6

And some Oxymorons:

Death benefit (is..............what precisely?)

Jumbo Shrimp (is it a big one or a little one?)

Pre-board (do you board before you board?) :p

Human intelligence is difficult for me as i am not sure I qualify for the second half of the description. But I wonder if robots (aritifical intelligence) may one day make baby robots by artificial insemination? Just a thought.

Love

Lizzie:-4

Thankyou for the jokes to all who send them, there's nothing better than a good laugh, I get one every time i look in the mirror.:wah:

Lizzie Love wrote: And some Oxymorons:

Death benefit (is..............what precisely?)

Jumbo Shrimp (is it a big one or a little one?)

Pre-board (do you board before you board?) :p

Human intelligence is difficult for me as i am not sure I qualify for the second half of the description. But I wonder if robots (aritifical intelligence) may one day make baby robots by artificial insemination? Just a thought.

Love

Lizzie:-4

Thankyou for the jokes to all who send them, there's nothing better than a good laugh, I get one every time i look in the mirror.:wah:


Here's one of my favorite oxymorons:

Microsoft Works :yh_rotfl

Just for the guys........

Look at the t**s on this..

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:sneaky:

Attached files

ha ha ha

I haven't laughed so much since my Karma ran over my dogma:wah:

mrsK wrote: What is white and this long, (hands held about nine inches

apart).

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NOTHING;)


"from the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter............Someday i intend reading it" (groucho marx) :wah:

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mrsK wrote: A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?" :-6


OH HO Ho ho! Thankyou mrs K , funny.

So did you hear about the irishman?

He walked past a pub.

The shark accosted a dolphin at the bottom of the ocean and said,

"oy where's that sick squid you owe me" :p

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an

athlete, she is also a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive

Care Unit (ICU) of a large metropolitan hospital. However, she is not

permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work.

It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone

and say: "Picabo, ICU"

A good clean story is hard to find these days

St Ives wrote: The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an

athlete, she is also a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive

Care Unit (ICU) of a large metropolitan hospital. However, she is not

permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work.

It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone

and say: "Picabo, ICU"

A good clean story is hard to find these days


i agree...

Cleopatra's handmaiden asked if her mistress would like her asse's milk bath to be pasteurized/ The answer was "no up to my chin will do" :p

mrsK wrote: Best Seller List:

-----------------

Under the Grandstand by Seymore Butz

Defensive Driving by Rex Carr & Helen Wheels

Mathematics Made Easy by Lois Denominator

Pumping Gas by Phil R. Upp :-6


My daughter told me, and I checked, that Lois Denominator is a real author!

The Cloakroom Attendant by Angus McCoatup

Touch your Toes by Ben Dover

Get Rick Quickly by Robin Banks

The Nut Case by Jock Strapp

Uncle Kram wrote: My daughter told me, and I checked, that Lois Denominator is a real author!

The Cloakroom Attendant by Angus McCoatup

Touch your Toes by Ben Dover

Get Rick Quickly by Robin Banks

The Nut Case by Jock Strapp


Marvellous from Mrs K and Uncle K , not feeling too well today and appreciate the humour, managing to smile in between trips to the loo !!!:(

my input for the day is the best I can come up with............

what's the difference between a rabid rotweiller wearing lipstick and a pms woman?

Lipstick.

cheers

Lizzie Love wrote: Marvellous from Mrs K and Uncle K


Makes it sound like we're related.

Whats the difference between a Nun and a woman having a wash?

Ones got a soul full of hope

What's the difference between a poor Marksman and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit

Just Do The Math.....

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they a re giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U- L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top

A Young Man Called John Invited His Mother For Dinner. During The

Course Of The Meal, His Mother Couldn't Help But Notice How

Handsome John's Flatmate Was. She Had Long Been Suspicious Of A

Relationship Between The Two, And This Only Made Her More

Curious.

Over The Course Of The Evening, While Watching The Two Interact,

She Started To Wonder If There Was More Between John And His

Flatmate That Met The Eye.

Reading His Mum's Thoughts, John Volunteered, "i Know What You

Must Be Thinking, But I Assure You, Simon & I Are Just Flatmates."

About A Week Later, Simon Came To John Saying,"ever Since Your

Mother Came To Dinner, I've Been Unable To Find The Frying Pan, You

Don't Suppose She Took It Do You?"

"well, I Doubt It, But I'll E-mail Her Just To Be Sure," Said John,

So He Sat Down And Wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm Not Saying That You "did" Take The Frying Pan From My House,

I'm Not Saying That You "did Not" Take The Frying Pan, But The

Fact Remains That It Has Been Missing Ever Since You Were Here

For Dinner.

Love John

Several Days Later, John Received An E-mail From His Mother

Which Read:

Dear Son,

I'm Not Saying That You "do" Sleep With Simon, And I'm Not Saying

That You "do Not" Sleep With Simon, But The Fact Remains That

If He Was Sleeping In His Own Bed, He Would Have Found The Frying Pan

By

Now.

Love Mum