More Darwin Awards
Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2006 12:31 pm
You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person
who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the
fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of
him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting
explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his
sister.
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared
that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and
a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
the family very awkward.
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided
to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their
own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around their ankles.
A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his
father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a
pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals.
After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared
dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection
of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the
cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had
caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his
penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two
electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out
one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this
would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her
Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as
she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save
the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after
he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
than the distance between the trestle and the ground"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma."
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalised.
Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an
object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of as 'bright' by his peers
Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad
mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum
in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from
his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer
was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in
a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked
from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add
insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome were asked to leave the course.
NB: This one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying
act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
And the winner . .. .
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off - actually solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven
his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of
road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of
approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within
5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved
for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then
becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face
at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I,
attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.
who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the
fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of
him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting
explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his
sister.
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared
that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and
a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
the family very awkward.
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided
to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their
own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around their ankles.
A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his
father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a
pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals.
After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared
dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection
of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the
cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had
caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his
penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two
electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out
one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this
would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her
Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as
she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save
the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after
he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
than the distance between the trestle and the ground"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma."
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalised.
Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an
object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of as 'bright' by his peers
Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad
mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum
in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from
his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer
was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in
a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked
from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add
insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome were asked to leave the course.
NB: This one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying
act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
And the winner . .. .
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off - actually solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven
his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of
road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of
approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within
5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved
for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then
becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face
at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I,
attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.