For all men....STAND BACK, THIS MIGHT GET LOOSE! From my buddy B Lonsberry
Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:24 pm
I learned something yesterday that I wish I hadn’t.
Some men sit down to pee.
Apparently, a lot of men sit down to pee.
And that stupefies me.
What makes it worse, they don’t mind talking about it. They defend it. They almost brag about it.
Un-freaking-believable.
In this space yesterday there was a column about the feminization of American men. In a reference to that, I mentioned that some men sit down to pee. It was metaphorical. It was the sort of jab men make at each other. If some guy makes reference to something he saw on Oprah you tell him he’s wearing a nice skirt or you ask if he sits down to pee.
It’s kind of based on the assumption that men, having penises and flies, stand up to pee.
It’s what separates us from “Pride and Prejudice†fans.
Anyway, I didn’t actually believe that any men really sat down to pee. Sure, maybe guys who’ve had some kind of prostate cancer or unfortunate bicycle accidents, or maybe really old guys, but not men. Not real men.
Then they started coming out of the woodwork.
Some posted comments on this web site. Others called the radio show. All squatters. They weren’t the least bit ashamed. They seemed oblivious to the fact that they are freaks.
Generally, they fell into three categories.
Those who sit to pee at night because somehow they can’t find the hole. Those who sit to pee because they fear they’d miss the hole otherwise and think squatting is considerate to their wives. Those who sit to pee so that they can read or drink their morning coffee.
Some even described sitting down to take their morning pee as some sort of relaxing ritual.
Repeating: They are all freaks.
Unfortunately, the Patriot Act does not allow these “men†to be rounded up and taken directly to Gitmo.
I even heard of one woman who insisted that all the men in her household sit down, so they wouldn’t miss and leave her a mess to clean up. She supposedly imposed this on her husband, sons and grandsons.
How she enforced it, or knew if it was violated, I don’t know. How three generations of men in one family could be so henpecked as to give up the free use of their penises is beyond me.
Let me tell you how things are supposed to be.
When it comes to urination, men stand and women squat. Except drunk women and camping women, who sometimes will experiment with standing, usually with wet socks being the result.
Men stand because they have specialized equipment called a tallywhacker. It is a telescoping device with a multi-directional capacity which greatly facilitates urination. Whereas women have to peel off layers of expensive Victoria’s Secret stuff to do their business, men just have to unzip their fly and deploy the space shuttle’s robotic arm.
It’s really a lot easier.
And it’s not that difficult.
It’s not a particularly significant feat of hand-eye coordination to make the little stream of you-know-what go where you want it to go. All those stories about writing your name in the snow are true. All these years of aiming at a urinal cake have paid off.
You doubt my word, throw a Cheerio in the toilet and watch the men line up to take a shot at it.
It’s sort of like when the firemen attack a burning house. They just grab hold of the hose and open up the nozzle. Then they hang on for dear life.
Usually, men don’t pee on the floor. If a guy misses the hole, it’s usually because he’s not paying attention. Most guys have even perfected the hit-the-side maneuver, to avoid the Niagara Falls sound effects being heard in adjoining rooms.
So these stories about guys sitting down so as not to make a mess that upsets their wives don’t make sense. How bad must the Parkinson’s be that you can’t hit the hole?
And these guys who worry about peeing in the dark, what kind of idiots are they? Sure, you stagger around when you get up in the night, but that’s why they made night lights. Besides, any urinater worth his salt knows that in the dark you bring your right shin against the toilet and aim at the 10 o’clock position of where you feel the shin touch the toilet.
Finally, anybody who’s got time to lounge around on the toilet reflecting on his most recent whiz is a double freak. It doesn’t take that long to take a leak. It just sort of comes out. If you’re a young man or you’ve been saving up a while, it comes out really quick. But either way, after about 30 seconds you’ve spent enough time to drain two or three bladders.
And there you are with your knickers down around your ankles like you’re the queen of England sitting on her throne.
This whole thing bothers me.
Because there are certain immutable truths in the universe. Fire is hot, water is wet, snow is white.
And men stand up to pee.
At least real men do.
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Some men sit down to pee.
Apparently, a lot of men sit down to pee.
And that stupefies me.
What makes it worse, they don’t mind talking about it. They defend it. They almost brag about it.
Un-freaking-believable.
In this space yesterday there was a column about the feminization of American men. In a reference to that, I mentioned that some men sit down to pee. It was metaphorical. It was the sort of jab men make at each other. If some guy makes reference to something he saw on Oprah you tell him he’s wearing a nice skirt or you ask if he sits down to pee.
It’s kind of based on the assumption that men, having penises and flies, stand up to pee.
It’s what separates us from “Pride and Prejudice†fans.
Anyway, I didn’t actually believe that any men really sat down to pee. Sure, maybe guys who’ve had some kind of prostate cancer or unfortunate bicycle accidents, or maybe really old guys, but not men. Not real men.
Then they started coming out of the woodwork.
Some posted comments on this web site. Others called the radio show. All squatters. They weren’t the least bit ashamed. They seemed oblivious to the fact that they are freaks.
Generally, they fell into three categories.
Those who sit to pee at night because somehow they can’t find the hole. Those who sit to pee because they fear they’d miss the hole otherwise and think squatting is considerate to their wives. Those who sit to pee so that they can read or drink their morning coffee.
Some even described sitting down to take their morning pee as some sort of relaxing ritual.
Repeating: They are all freaks.
Unfortunately, the Patriot Act does not allow these “men†to be rounded up and taken directly to Gitmo.
I even heard of one woman who insisted that all the men in her household sit down, so they wouldn’t miss and leave her a mess to clean up. She supposedly imposed this on her husband, sons and grandsons.
How she enforced it, or knew if it was violated, I don’t know. How three generations of men in one family could be so henpecked as to give up the free use of their penises is beyond me.
Let me tell you how things are supposed to be.
When it comes to urination, men stand and women squat. Except drunk women and camping women, who sometimes will experiment with standing, usually with wet socks being the result.
Men stand because they have specialized equipment called a tallywhacker. It is a telescoping device with a multi-directional capacity which greatly facilitates urination. Whereas women have to peel off layers of expensive Victoria’s Secret stuff to do their business, men just have to unzip their fly and deploy the space shuttle’s robotic arm.
It’s really a lot easier.
And it’s not that difficult.
It’s not a particularly significant feat of hand-eye coordination to make the little stream of you-know-what go where you want it to go. All those stories about writing your name in the snow are true. All these years of aiming at a urinal cake have paid off.
You doubt my word, throw a Cheerio in the toilet and watch the men line up to take a shot at it.
It’s sort of like when the firemen attack a burning house. They just grab hold of the hose and open up the nozzle. Then they hang on for dear life.
Usually, men don’t pee on the floor. If a guy misses the hole, it’s usually because he’s not paying attention. Most guys have even perfected the hit-the-side maneuver, to avoid the Niagara Falls sound effects being heard in adjoining rooms.
So these stories about guys sitting down so as not to make a mess that upsets their wives don’t make sense. How bad must the Parkinson’s be that you can’t hit the hole?
And these guys who worry about peeing in the dark, what kind of idiots are they? Sure, you stagger around when you get up in the night, but that’s why they made night lights. Besides, any urinater worth his salt knows that in the dark you bring your right shin against the toilet and aim at the 10 o’clock position of where you feel the shin touch the toilet.
Finally, anybody who’s got time to lounge around on the toilet reflecting on his most recent whiz is a double freak. It doesn’t take that long to take a leak. It just sort of comes out. If you’re a young man or you’ve been saving up a while, it comes out really quick. But either way, after about 30 seconds you’ve spent enough time to drain two or three bladders.
And there you are with your knickers down around your ankles like you’re the queen of England sitting on her throne.
This whole thing bothers me.
Because there are certain immutable truths in the universe. Fire is hot, water is wet, snow is white.
And men stand up to pee.
At least real men do.
Comment on this Column:http://www.lonsberry.com/comments.cfm?story=1795 Read Current Comments:http://www.lonsberry.com/readcomments.cfm?story=1795 Go to Column:http://www.lonsberry.com/writings.cfm?story=1795
On second thoughts, hovering would be safer.