Skittles Just Wants Normality...

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 8:01 pm

Dear Journal

It's been another day. another day passed and another day waisted. I think it's sad that for my speech i am thinking of doing a Eulogy for my brother! I wonder if i could actually do it. I mean it's been so long but a lot of bad memories and junk still aren't buried with him. I remember the funeral... It was LOOONG! like 3 hours maybe more. Mainly because a person would talk then you would have to translate... that takes forever... but i remember sitting in the back... avoiding family. i remember Nick was trying to cheer me up. UGH i was wearing a hideous black sweater and plaid pants... ugh... I remember thinking that day that everything was going to be different. It has changed... life. for me anyway. I heard mom started drinking... i talked to my little brother for the first time in two years... He's doing well i think. I really miss normality but i love that i am adapting to all this junk. I had always wanted to join the army as a child. But more because it was my get away... now i just want to join. Which is causing my adopted mom to freak out! Right now... I just want sanity. I have so many stupid thoughts and all i want is sanity. I have church and God to rely on. And that really seems to be my only normality.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 8:07 pm

Eh... now that i think about it... what really is normal. Is it something i perceive... of course right? only i can judge what's normal for me!!! oh castings went well, i just hate that people are already starting drama!!!!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:22 pm

So everything seems to just be crashing on me! like BAAM All of a sudden my procrastination has just kicked me in my arse and i think I'm learning the lesson of procrastination... even as i am procrastinating a research paper! UGH why do i? But chyea today was good. I have learned an incredible lesson! It was about approval. Anyway in chapel, which i was going to miss!!!, this guy spoke on approval! and he was an EXTREMELY talented speaker... anyway the message was Get approval from God! he talked about John the Baptist. and how Jesus was given approval by his father way before he even did anything! which is a really good lesson! anyway that's all for now... I am going to see if i can do something on my research paper! haha

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:39 pm

Hmm so today was really fun. I went through craziness! Kinda glad the day is gone. I just have one question. I have a friend whom i can't stand. I can't stand him for several reasons. Today i studied with him and everything about him annoyed me. Then i started to judge him... on really shallow things. Like his side burns and junk... He just annoys me! I think really this all started when he would make fun of my older brother. Yea he's a little weird but he's MY brother. I think i am being shallow. but he just annoyed me! maybe i'm just extremely tired!!! So today in chapel the message was about the decline of Christianity and how we can do something about it. It was kinda long and manuscripted. but i have become more opening to stuff like that. Oh and also I started reading books. one John Keegan and The Book of War and the other Air Power by Stephen Budiansky. I still have an interview to do. Journal to write. Research paper to write. A eulogy and other junk... right now i need to do the interview and the eulogy. those should both be done by Monday i hope. I just love being busy. I missed dinner and am eating ketchup! lol kinda gross i know but what else can i do! Oh today in Mr. Prices class we discussed... umm oh nothing that interesting really. haha i usually enjoy that class but today kinda was dull. i liked english because i was busy! i think i like classes that challenge me. :wah:

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:36 pm

I don't know why i am always led back to this same place. I don't get any of it! I'm 17, i'm living an awesome life that so many others have never lived. I've learned SOOO many lessons as a child. But it seems so everyday toward the end of the day i just want to cry! I feel something is missing. I feel so much of me is just... wrong. I lie to myself and say, I'm fine. I'm okay. I throw my life in religion and God. I know he loves me, but am i worth loving. i feel so much of the junk in my life won't leave me! I feel the memories i have are never going to leave. I just wish sometimes i had someone who knew exactly what i have been through. I hate that so much of me is being waisted. No one can possibly feel this much sadness can they? Or is this fear? am i missing something? What's worse is tomorrow i will be fine. And then toward the end of the day this cycle will return. In simplicity... I hate being me. :-1

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:17 pm

1 Corinthians 1:4-9

4 I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. 5 For in him you have been enriched in every way â€” in all your speaking and in all your knowledgeâ€” 6 because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you. 7 Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. 8 He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.

NIV

Praise Him! lol

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Mar 08, 2008 6:59 pm

Taking a break from almost a week of doing nothing but papers and studying... currently i been in the library... 5 hours... i have three more hours to go!!! then back in the library sunday... if it's not closed... if so i am carrying a butt load of commentaries with me back to my room! which i'm not happy about. But yes everything else has been fun and good. After my birthday mom called me extremely upset and we talked like we haven't in a long time. much needed. well, off i am again to my last three hours!!!! :guitarist

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:54 pm

Taking yet another break. So the topic in my head is atheism. They have a lot of great questions! they really do. But none can be answered. They ask, Why is there hunger and starvation and stuff like that... well, I could never answer that. Maybe i could pull the argument of sin. Which is a good one. But today in class my prof showed us a video about Brazil. My heart broke. I cried. I mean you cannot fathom or put your mind around what i saw! Children running around sick with rashes on there skins... children with diarrhea running down there legs... it broke me to tears... God has put each of us on this earth to worship him, that's what our meaning in life is. Worship is not only "Praise God, He is holy" Stuff... It's also in what we do. I believe we can worship God in our acts that we do. I know God has a purpose in my life... to make films that will help these children. We are sooo blessed in America but yet we forget so much of the poverty around the world. and really that's where my heart is. Missions. when i deny myself and finally do God's will and give him the COMPLETE me that i am... then will things change. Because through me God wants to make changes. It all goes back to God. Poverty can't be changed... but i can make a difference!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:25 pm

So, I'm bored out of my mind. Procrastinating a paper... oh crud and a script... CRUD! how did i forget the script... idk. now i'm just annoyed. So today was a great day! WOOT! like really great. Idk if people ever read this... which is kind of a waist of time if you ask me. But yes anyway, within the last week i been growing interest in this guy. I know nothing about him except he's from Oregon and he's a freshman who once played baseball. I don't know why but suddenly i'm just extremely attracted to him. in many ways. ugh this can't be happening to me... NO!!! i refuse to let anything happen... well here's a better way of putting that. God it's in your control! :-6

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 6:55 pm

So what's on skittles mind today? School work. Spring break... and my neglection for reading the bible... shame on me really. hmm same with my room... horrible. mom is coming tonight to pick us up to go to home to REAL food! yayayayay so i'm going to be gone for a while! yippie... to normality... or not...

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 10:31 pm

So, I can't seem to write my script of just dialog. i start and i'm like... arg... i just can't write. I'm not a writer! i'm a horrible writer. My thoughts and my imagination are just never good enough to be written out. So sometimes i avoid writing because i hate what i have birthed onto a stupid piece of wal-mart college ruled paper. UGH i'm rather annoyed because right now i'm interested in ONE guy but i can't get the other guy out of my life. He's like my best friend but i'm not interested in him but he is in me... so it's awkward. When he's talking to me i can't think of nothing but the other guy so it's just all so complicated. I'm too nice to cut off one friendship, but i'm stupid for letting him think otherwise. But i did tell him i had NO interest in him. We laughed about it... so he knows right? ehh whatever... so that's skittles for today...

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:51 pm

Spring Break is over. Enough said...

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:46 pm

So, here i am. March 25th. Sitting in my room watching the world pass me by, as always. so it's windy in texas. Nothing new i suppose. My second semester of college is almost over... I'm holding on... barely. but holding on.

Today we studied Philippians in New Testament survey, and we've pretty much picked every bit of it a part. So what did i learn? Well, i learned to tell everything to God. Not to worry about it and give it ALL to God and not everyone else. Like... umm everything. So when i have a bad day i am not going to my mom or friends or even ya'll. I'm just going to pray about it apparently. simple enough right? should be. Anyways as i was reading Philippians i got a different feeling from it then, let's just say Corinthians. Paul was truly pleased with the church in Philippians but Paul still told them they need to humble themselves and consider everyone in Christ a servant. So, if the Church of Philippians needed a change still, that means we as Christians now need a change as well. hmm make sense? probably not. but it does to me... so bleh. lol

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sun Mar 30, 2008 2:16 pm

I am still so immature and irresponsible. I don't know why i won't change. I try at least.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Tue Apr 08, 2008 8:37 am

So, It has been a while since i've done this so i'll make this one a quick update...

So far i been in counseling and I've taken a depression test. I don't know how that will go... With my luck i will be in years of therapy. which i don't want. i guess i just want to know what's wrong with me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me and i'm just being over dramatic. I haven't been reading my bible! OMG!!! how dumb can i be! I still have SOOO much to do!!! ugh.

Bible Study Project- take 12 hours- Due Friday--- none of it done

English Paper- Take 4 hours- Due Thursday--- Introduction done

Speech- 2 hours- Due Thursday--- Introduction Completed

Script- 5 hours-- due i'm not really that sure!!!!! okay so my schedule today...

Meeting at two

3:30-5- work on English paper 2.5h

7-11- Work on Bible Study 4h

11-1 Work on Speech 2h

Wednesday

No classes but i do have chapel soo...

1-2 English Paper 1h

4-5 Speech 1h

8-11- Bible Study 3h

11-1 Bible Study (Room)2 h

Thursday

9-11p.m. Bible Study (library) 2h

11-1 Bible study (room) 2h

Bible Study- 9 hrs +4 hrs

English paper 3.5

Speech 3 hours

well that's my day mapped out! cruds!!!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:18 pm

So i been doing a lot better. I been so much more happier with life in general. I just had to get pass some... junk so to say. Right now i feel like i have.

8 He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9

seriously ya'll God is faithful in everything he does. I never know but in my worst times when i feel abadoned God is there keeping me from killing myself and others!!! How great is our God. Random thoughts about how i feel...

EXCITED o wow excited. For tonight and everything that has been going on! i should get back to my room and finish whatever it is i do.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:06 pm

So today i learned a very amazing thing. i always considered myself a homophobic and i that i have a bubble of three inches and no one can pass. Well today i decided to go beyond my boundaries and God just worked an amazing thing in my life. Tonight i sat with homosexuals and had fun. I felt awkward and out of place at first but in no time i was having so much fun with them. They are the nicest, funniest people in the world. It was good fun. I also kept being touched and so my bubble was pretty much gone which is a good thing

so yea that was my experience today.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Tue Apr 29, 2008 2:34 am

"Your grace has found me just as I am

Empty handed, but alive in your hands"

Just as I am. I have a lot of issues.

I worry too much, I think too much, I can never keep anything in order, I have fear of really dumb things, I act too much like a child, i care too much about what people say about me, I have emotional issues, I am mentally messed up, I like to argue too much, I am always right even when i know i am wrong, i can't get along with my siblings, i eat too much, i eat too little, i don't eat, i hate my feet, sometimes i hate being me, i feel like i always need to be like my siblings, i feel like i am never adequate enough, i just always feel something is missing...

The list goes on and on and on...

What i find amazing though is through all my mess ups and Issues Jesus still loves me no matter what. Before i had ever done a thing or even taken a breath God had already accepted me. I struggle so much with a lot of things, but because of friends i am learning soo much about myself and I'm working on it all... just takes a little time for me.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Thu May 08, 2008 4:50 pm

Ugh summer is here! lol i need to think a lot this summer. Figure out WHAT DO I WANT! go ahead ask me! umm my answer I don't know! I just dodged one relationship and i am really happy about it. I mean the guy is a jerk... and i can't start a relationship when i can't get another guy out of my mind! i'm so lost. SO lost. I don't know what direction i'm going in. I know this is where all 18 year olds are but i am just SOOO lost. I want to get away. I want to live in absolute isolation. ya know? I feel it is something i need. I really do! to be alone and have nothing or anybody telling me what i want or need or anything like that! I'm just so lost. i need to find out me. I need to grow up! i need to! ugh i'm so tired of being a child! I WANT TO GROW UP! AGGGGGGGGGGG hmmm okay well i am going to pray and read. that sounds good right now. hmmm well that's me lately. LOST!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Jun 13, 2008 10:39 am

So wow, i'm a little dramatic at times. haha. so......... summer has been good so far. My cousin's fiancee is in the E.R... which is a bummer... but right now i just feel soo good lately. I can't find anything wrong. I mean everything wrong can only happen for so long.... or maybe everything is wrong but since i been through worst i'm like whatever "no skin off my nose" I miss school! Man i miss school. I miss chapel everyday and the worship!!! i miss bible classes and friends who aren't there to try to get me in trouble... i mean the most i been in trouble for was like... idk sleeping in on my birthday and missing my surprise party lol. i'm just blabbering because i have nothing better to do except math... but I HATE MATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:09 am

Oh the things i want to do!!! I don't want normality! I want an adventurous life full of twists and turns and fast cars! I don't want to be married and held down and be a wife of someone! Dear God, No!!! I'm sure it's one of the greatest blessing someone could bestow but not for me! I want to jump off cliffs, fly, ski, come to near death experience. Why exactly am I afraid of somethings anyway??? I'm going to die one way or another so why not die doing something amazingly freaking cool!

I have it in me i know. Rebellious and oddly I don't fit the cookie cut of what a girl should be like... but I'm tired of Normality. I'm SO STINKING tired of childish dramas, stupid arguments... when honestly in the end i don't really even care!!!!! I'm 18 and i know everyone has been there but i don't want to grow up! why???? what's the point. I want to live a flipping amazing life. A life i think of as amazing anyway... But i still want to learn to ballroom dance.... hahaha.

So much is going through my head.

I want to do so much and be so much but of course I'm stuck in college doing what i'm supposed to do........... which is not that bad... but maybe it's time for me to idk... leave???? hmmm I want to leave home!!! Like disappear from this place for a while! and do... EVERYTHING!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:39 pm

Do you think it's selfish for someone to stay single???

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:16 pm

So i realized today... that one i realize a lot... and two----

I been looking toward the rewards of what i do! In the end of everything i do... i always have a reward in mind! like getting a paycheck, or going to heaven. Good things, granted... but i think the best reward i can want right now is to not expect a reward!!! It builds selfishness slowly and in the end resentment... say your working and you do something for your boss out of the ordinary... he expresses gratitude (reward) and so you do the same thing sometime later and don't get the gratitude you first did... so you go about it different avenues and still get nothing.... soon possibly resentment is built... then what? you get angry and to the extreme--- kill the guy! who knows i'm just saying!!! but you get my point... Do something without expecting a reward no matter what, even if you do get the reward don't expect another one. Rewards are nice... but that shouldn't be the cause of anything...

just a thought from yours truly!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:47 am

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of

Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune, I only want to be loved

But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?

If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside

And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride

Bring me to my weakness

Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to

Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside

And all I go through, it leads me to you

I'm not alright... that's why I need you.

[CENTER]

That was written by Sanctus Real. Amazing song and it's something about how i feel a lot. So i love it even more for that. [/CENTER]

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Thu Sep 11, 2008 6:00 pm

Peace be still. :-4

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 1:22 pm

Wow, God is so good. I can never express that enough!!! I am going crazy with school!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like CRAZAZY! It's super great to be back and having this "normal" life. School seems to give me the dose of normality i need. I am taking 18 credit hours!!! which in reality is not that much... so here's my schedule

FOUND OF CHURCH MIN TR 10:50 AM - 12:10 PM

INTRODUCTION TO THEOLOGY & APOLOGETICS TR 12:20 PM - 01:40 PM

INTRO TO LIT MWF 01:45 PM - 02:40 PM

AMERICAN HISTORY I MWF 11:35 AM - 12:30 PM

BEGINNING ALGEBRA MWF 12:40 PM - 01:35 PM

VIDEO PROD I R 01:50 PM - 04:40 PM

Pretty exciting right? I mean riiight? I'm worried about math because... I HATE MATH! i super duper hate math! no offense to math geniuses but i don't get you. so that's my week. As you can see no lunch! which is kind of a bummer! OH OH i got a job on campus!!!! i'm super stoked!!! i work thursday friday and saturday... YES I KNOW!!! horrible days... but i need money. money is always good to have. I'm trying to trust God to supply my needs. Which i guess there is no question about it... except to just trust him. But I'm fallible. like all humans. anyways just checking in to say HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:wah::wah::wah:

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:18 pm

I've had questions, without answers

I've known sorrow, I have known pain

but there's one thing, that I'll cling to

You are faithful, Jesus You're true

when hope is lost, I'll call You saviour

when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

in the lone hour of my sorrow

through the darkest night of my soul

You surround me and sustain me

my defender, forevermore

when hope is lost, I'll call You saviour

when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

and I will praise You, I will praise You

when the tears fall, still I will sing to You

and I will praise You, Jesus praise You

through the suffering still I will sing

when hope is lost, I'll call You saviour

when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

oh yes, You are good to me

You've always been good to me

so trustworthy

when hope is lost, I'll call You saviour

when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

and I will praise You, and I will praise You

when the tears fall, still I will sing to You (I will sing to You)

I will praise You, Jesus praise You

through the suffering still I will sing

how faithful and true

sustain me through and through

You are hope and truth

You must bring a little water

You must bring a little water

in the lone hour of my sorrow

who springs never fail

be faithful and true

like...

like a spring it never fails

you're my spring never fails

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:29 pm

I can't wait until Christmas!!!!!!!! I been listening to Christmas music and it makes me happy!!! I know it's still like three months away but this is really the first time I've ever been excited for it!!!!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:10 am

Today's a new day. I think I've decided to force myself to move on. There's nothing in my pass that i like thinking about except maybe the spam and mutton... mmm mutton. I'm basically the picture perfect screw up... to a lot of people... I didn't grow up with a father, I barely had a home to stay in growing up... i was tossed from my mom to my grandma to my mom... it's crazy what life ends up like... I been living in the pass of my brothers death... my abusers and some small things. I think i should hit a point in my life where i say... I'm done being the Victim of my life. I'm done crying for the same things... I'm done being hurt by people who don't know it. I am finally letting go of what people would call baggage. haha i have a lot of that. So i think this is it. I think i'm finally going to let go.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Nov 15, 2008 7:39 pm

UGh stupid boys! STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! I can't believe i do this every time. what happened to me wanting to be single? What happened? Who was i kidding!!!!!!! STUPID TIFFANEY STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! :-5:-5:-5:-5:-5:-5:-5

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:33 am

I got my name changed in front of the judge and yada yada... pretty exciting.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Mon Sep 21, 2009 12:33 pm

So, what's been new? hmm well, I'm a junior in college now... I still live in the same dorm... lost a few friends... made a lot more... chapel still everyday... Common grounds today... taking speech once more... still trusting in God... Better friends with my momma

Hanging out with a guy a lot more then i should.... SHAME! ha I think i've finally reached normaility.... or to the best that it will be. I'm still the same old girl... I still love going for walks and picking flowers, flying kites, and drinking slushes... I wish someone else would give me flowers but ya know whatever... being single is cool too i guess (btw lieing to yourself gets you no where) HA! Still miss my baby brother and most of all I'm a junior... I'm def happy!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Tue Sep 22, 2009 10:57 pm

I went to the TBN studio today... I met Paul Crouch's son... or whatever his name was... It was soo tight being there i mean i could care less about the content but seeing the camera's at work and the switchboards... the control room, the editors... and all the behind stuff just made me like so jittery and all happy inside!!! I also ran camera today in chapel... it was intense... I didn't know where my iris was... nor did i know how to unlock it... i was super nervous.... SUPER!!! and my buddy Tim just treated me like an idiot... So yea thanks tim... I also pitched my script in my Electronic Field Production class and I did pretty good actually... I can't wait to get to start filming... so nervous!!! but Excited... Today was altogether good. Except for one thing... I didn't get to see this guy that i'm absolutely insane about!!! Like i totally miss him... after one day of not seeing him?? Oh dear me.

ha

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 4:38 pm

I'm writing papers, so tired of it. My weekend has been waisted to papers...

So i wanna go back to new mexico... that's been a weird thought of mine... hmmmmm what do you think i should do?

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:53 pm

Boys are so.... Dumb!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:58 am

So, today i had what one sometimes desperately needs at times. I'm in college... i can count my friends on one hand. I'm not shy, I'm actually pretty outgoing. I'm not a total loser and not totally emo either. But... I did waste 2 years of my college experiences on a BOY! There are so many amazing people that excist, and i won't ever know them because of my own true stupidity... I don't want to graduate and never have gotten to know people... I'm tired of this person i've become... I'm not real with people and if i can pick up on when people aren't being real... I'm sure they see it in me too... So cool thing about life is... I still have chances. I'm still breathing... I'm going to get to know more people and hear the stories of people and be more real then the typical, Hi how are you texas persona and enjoy my last two years of University! wait... year lol my last year!

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:32 am

I've always believed that you're not going to be happy in a new situation if you're not happy in your old situation. I've come to realize this. Before my adoption, i wasn't happy. I was miserable. After my adoption, I'm not happy, and I am miserable. Changing the scenery doesn't change the feelings that are deep within you. I guess mainly because I've been searching for my happiness in guys... If they'll just accept me if I lose ten pounds or if i just fix my hair a different way or if i change the clothing style i have... they'll love me... I'll finally feel that void that i feel at night when i'm alone in my thoughts... but then the second I'm rejected, I'll focus on the things i did that i wanted him to make me love me and they'll just seem so BIG! He didn't like me because i am 10 pounds heavier then i thought i should of been, or that my hair should of been different then the style i chose, or that maybe i should of worn a different outfit... something besides the fact that he just wasn't interested in my personality, my flaws... anything besides the things that make us whom i really am cause i don't want to be rejected! I'm okay if the illusion i've created is rejected but just please not me! I mean this even applies to my friends, my families, and my teachers... I know there's hope, i know i'm loved... i know if i just let my guard down i could be the girl that I know i can be... God is working on me... but God cannot free me until he has me... When will i give up the things of my life that i JUST have to have... why can't i Die to myself and be all that God wants me to be... why is it so hard to give up my temptations and myself? I just feel like i should live... i just want to live and i guess being in school sometimes can feel like a trap for me... well lol i just want normality someday.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Nov 20, 2010 5:17 am

Hmm, well it's 6 am and I'm full of lots of thoughts! My life is composed of a few things, family, school, friends, love, and religion.

Firstly Famly: My family is amazing. I'm learning that more everyday. I know i haven't always felt that way but i'm learning how awesome and fun they can be. I'm learning my mom is more then "hey can you do this". I'm learning my dad is more then the man who works to provide for my shopping sprees

I'm learning my oldest sister is a beautiful caring woman who no matter what comes her way, she's still standing. I'm Learning her twin is himself. More then i've ever been and he tries to gain respect that you know, why shouldn't he have it! My other sister is not my competition but someone i can ask advice from, someone who i look up to and want to be like. And i'm learning my other brother will always be there for me to make me smile. lol i did that in family order from oldest to youngest fyi.

School: I've failed. I've messed up. I don't deserve a second chance. I don't deserve to be where i am. I should of could of done better but it's what it is. Taking a semester off to collect my thoughts and regather myself and hopefully come back better then ever. It'll be okay

Friends: Don't really have any. But i suppose that's my fault.

Love: Well, I think i'm ready to know what love is and to be hurt and to bawl into a pillow every night if that's what it takes to feel even the bit of love my parent's have. It's amazing to have such a model for what love is

chyea that's my thoughts

erm politics still pretty much down with obama. in the words of Cato: And Obama Must be destroyed. (at least his office)

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Wed May 04, 2011 2:49 pm

Life needs more humor.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:39 pm

It's fun popping in and out of here over the years and seeing my words and thoughts that I once had... I'm 23... Nothing to show for it. College had become a distant memory and so have my dreams. I'm not unhappy, probably just drunk... I seem to be nastolgic drunk... But for the most part, I'm one happy girl. The maple leafs made the playoffs, I have a bf my family approves of and loves... I'm still at home... Paying bills and saving for a car

still work at a daycare and I'm always going to be convinced boys are stupid... Quick rant- why do you say you'll call and not call?!?!? Stupid boys.

still love him though. Anyways see ya'll when I feel nastolgic, don't be afraid to add me on Facebook- www.facebook.com/abagail.middleton if you can't add send a message to me and I'll add ya... Think it goes to others but I read others in case

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:17 am

I'm 25 now. I first joined this site at 15. I had completely different thoughts then. Different goals. A lot of uncertainty, a lot of naivety. I've had 3 boyfriends, one ended up married and the other just wasn't that into me and now I'm on my third boyfriend for 20 months now. This year is also the marking of 10 years since my brother was murdered and I don't think I'm any wiser. I share less about myself with people then I did 10 years ago. I also don't know if there's a heaven or an afterlife. Right now, I still haven't paid my school loans off and it doesn't feel like the end of the world. i work with the elderly now, I help residents with dementia and it's so rewarding. I have a chance of promotion but then I'm wondering if more responsibility is worth the .50 cent raise so that's on the back burner for now. I live in a 2 br apartment with cement floors. But for 325$ a month it's my paradise. I think everyone has that first apartment that's not exactly what you imagined but it's livable ðŸ˜‚ well that's all for now. I don't really have anything profound to say but just thought I'd update my journal

Abby

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Mon Mar 06, 2017 9:13 am

I'm 27!!!! Holy cowzah. Engaged. Planning a Scotland elopement at isle of Skye

. Love working with old folks! Finally decided I want to be a nurse so I can hopefully move to ireland/scotland in my 30s... Kids? Uhhhh no! But I have two cats

anyways that's my update!