Advice Please

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:29 pm

My son, 12 yrs. He has a great heart and loves everyone. He gets very emotional about people and things that happen in life (gets that from me :wah: just incase you all hadn't noticed already). He hates too hear of people or animals getting hurt etc.. I have always had a good relationship with him, we can talk about almost anything - we love and trust each other.

Today, I dropped him off at his friends house to play. I know this friend quite well, he has been at our house many times and seems like a nice kid. When I picked my son up, he was very quiet to start with - I could tell something was on his mind.

Anyway, guilt got the better off him. Without my questioning him, he told me that a neighbouring child had offered him 'something' to smoke (not sure what), and he had 3 puffs.

How would you react. I freaked to start with - then tried to calm down as he was being honest and telling me. Trouble is he seems kind of proud about it, but also guilty. He has promised me he will not do it again. Trouble is I don't know how well he stands up to peer pressure.

Would you let him visit friend again? It was not friend that offered the smoke, but neighbour. What should I do - do I stop him seeing friend, then risk him not being honest with me in the furture?

:-4 :-4

JacksDad · Post by **JacksDad** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 6:40 pm

I'd have the friend visit our house

and have a talk with friend's parents as well

Bored_Wombat · Post by **Bored_Wombat** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:02 pm

How old's the neighbour?

WTF is he doing offering doobies to a 12 year old?

Is this a paedophilia thing?:-2

I can't offer advice on the parenting (not being a parent), but I'd resist banning friendships. A doob now and again is not a life destroyer any more than a beer now and again. 12 is probably too young a start though - and the stuff packs way more grunt now than when I was young.

JacksDad · Post by **JacksDad** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:20 pm

And then there's what the Wombat said.

;)

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:34 pm

ThePheasant;657643 wrote: My son, 12 yrs. He has a great heart and loves everyone. He gets very emotional about people and things that happen in life (gets that from me :wah: just incase you all hadn't noticed already). He hates too hear of people or animals getting hurt etc.. I have always had a good relationship with him, we can talk about almost anything - we love and trust each other.

Today, I dropped him off at his friends house to play. I know this friend quite well, he has been at our house many times and seems like a nice kid. When I picked my son up, he was very quiet to start with - I could tell something was on his mind.

Anyway, guilt got the better off him. Without my questioning him, he told me that a neighbouring child had offered him 'something' to smoke (not sure what), and he had 3 puffs.

How would you react. I freaked to start with - then tried to calm down as he was being honest and telling me. Trouble is he seems kind of proud about it, but also guilty. He has promised me he will not do it again. Trouble is I don't know how well he stands up to peer pressure.

Would you let him visit friend again? It was not friend that offered the smoke, but neighbour. What should I do - do I stop him seeing friend, then risk him not being honest with me in the furture?

Awww darlin', I wouldn't keep him from his friend at all, I agree with JD...parents need to know what went on, and of course its a delicate situation, because since you and your son has a close relationship and felt comfortable telling you, because of the bond....his peers might tease him for tattling....and of course we don't want him to be pressured in not telling you in the future....

Explain to Josh that you don't want this to happen again and you need to talk to the adults responsible for the children.

This is a toughy....I feel for ya :-4 :-4

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:44 pm

This is the beginning of peer pressure overriding the parental enviornment he was brought up in, A very crucial time. You will walk a tightrope. Now is the time to bring out the big guns. Firm but rational guidance. A reinforced support system. It is imperative that you keep tabs on where he is, what he

is doing, and who he is with. Continue to boost his self esteem. And if you have the means to do so.... keep him engaged in fruitful activities. Boredom is a demon and breeds big problems. My younger son is all of the wonderful traits you describe, He also has been a drug addict. It was around 13 when influenced by peers... harbouring sad feelings because of an absentee dad.... and my being a little too trusting led to his making some very bad choices, that I was not aware of because I was always working.

Nip this right in the bud, and find out all you can about the little bugger who gave him the smoke... whatever it was. Are the parents home, on that end?

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:53 pm

Well - first when you finally heard this and the freeking was over with- did you put him on restriction? or??

How did you son feel from smoking this?

Congrats to your son for telling you - do you think you handled the news constructively?

12 yrs old is so young to be experimenting, so some priviledge would be removed, your son did know better..

I would definetly speak to your sons friend & his parents, make everyone aware of the neighbor, and go from there. options - You could go with the other parents to this neighbor and threaten to call the Police for distributing illegal drugs to a child, because I'd be pissed if it was child..

I remember my sister getting caught smoking a cigarette - my Mom had her smoke a pack right in front of her - she was choking...

I'm interested in what plan of action you will take - please let us know

Good luck with this.

Patsy

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:06 pm

I, myself, couldn't put him on restriction for trying for the simple fact that he was honest. I'd rather reward the honesty. I think the friend's parents do need to know what the neighbor kid was up to though.

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:03 am

ThePheasant;657643 wrote: My son, 12 yrs. He has a great heart and loves everyone. He gets very emotional about people and things that happen in life (gets that from me :wah: just incase you all hadn't noticed already). He hates too hear of people or animals getting hurt etc.. I have always had a good relationship with him, we can talk about almost anything - we love and trust each other.

Today, I dropped him off at his friends house to play. I know this friend quite well, he has been at our house many times and seems like a nice kid. When I picked my son up, he was very quiet to start with - I could tell something was on his mind.

Anyway, guilt got the better off him. Without my questioning him, he told me that a neighbouring child had offered him 'something' to smoke (not sure what), and he had 3 puffs.

How would you react. I freaked to start with - then tried to calm down as he was being honest and telling me. Trouble is he seems kind of proud about it, but also guilty. He has promised me he will not do it again. Trouble is I don't know how well he stands up to peer pressure.

Would you let him visit friend again? It was not friend that offered the smoke, but neighbour. What should I do - do I stop him seeing friend, then risk him not being honest with me in the furture?

:-4 :-4

My opinion-for what it's wirth is that at at the moment he's talking to you. I would suggest you need to tell him the reasons why you freaked out. If you don't tell him about drugs or whatever then someone else will do it for you. "Mummy says I mustn't" is not much of a defence against peer pressure, good reasons are, give him a grown up reason for a grown up decision he has to make himself.

I gave up smoking (cigarettes I mean) when I was twelve despite all the peer pressure to take up what was then an acceptable habit. It's because I was well aware of the consequences and i still have difficulty understanding why someone starts in the first place. Same with drugs. I knew plenty of people that were taking them but never joined in.

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:08 am

JacksDad;657673 wrote: I'd have the friend visit our house

and have a talk with friend's parents as well

Can I wring his scrawny little kneck while he's here :-6

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:11 am

Bored_Wombat;657696 wrote: How old's the neighbour?

WTF is he doing offering doobies to a 12 year old?

Is this a paedophilia thing?:-2

I can't offer advice on the parenting (not being a parent), but I'd resist banning friendships. A doob now and again is not a life destroyer any more than a beer now and again. 12 is probably too young a start though - and the stuff packs way more grunt now than when I was young.

I was never offered a 'doob' as a child, addictions start somewhere. A 'doob' could be the start.

The neighbour that offered 'stuff' is also 12 yrs.

Thanks for advice and helping to calm me down :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:13 am

WonderWendy3;657708 wrote: Awww darlin', I wouldn't keep him from his friend at all, I agree with JD...parents need to know what went on, and of course its a delicate situation, because since you and your son has a close relationship and felt comfortable telling you, because of the bond....his peers might tease him for tattling....and of course we don't want him to be pressured in not telling you in the future....

Explain to Josh that you don't want this to happen again and you need to talk to the adults responsible for the children.

This is a toughy....I feel for ya :-4 :-4

I fear this the most.

I want to talk to neighbour, but do not want Josh knowing I have done so, or the child knowing either. I think this could have some bad consequences for Josh.

Thanks for advice Wendy :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:17 am

weeder;657709 wrote: This is the beginning of peer pressure overriding the parental enviornment he was brought up in, A very crucial time. You will walk a tightrope. Now is the time to bring out the big guns. Firm but rational guidance. A reinforced support system. It is imperative that you keep tabs on where he is, what he

is doing, and who he is with. Continue to boost his self esteem. And if you have the means to do so.... keep him engaged in fruitful activities. Boredom is a demon and breeds big problems. My younger son is all of the wonderful traits you describe, He also has been a drug addict. It was around 13 when influenced by peers... harbouring sad feelings because of an absentee dad.... and my being a little too trusting led to his making some very bad choices, that I was not aware of because I was always working.

Nip this right in the bud, and find out all you can about the little bugger who gave him the smoke... whatever it was. Are the parents home, on that end?

This is what I HAVE to keep. Children seem to be under so much more pressure these days.

A new era for me - I just hope I get it right. My daughter is 6 yrs, hopefully I will be a little more 'teenage street wise' when she reaches this age.

As you all know, it is so difficult to see logic when you are so emotionally involved.

Thanks :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:24 am

Patsy Warnick;657712 wrote: Well - first when you finally heard this and the freeking was over with- did you put him on restriction? or??

How did you son feel from smoking this?

Congrats to your son for telling you - do you think you handled the news constructively?

12 yrs old is so young to be experimenting, so some priviledge would be removed, your son did know better..

I would definetly speak to your sons friend & his parents, make everyone aware of the neighbor, and go from there. options - You could go with the other parents to this neighbor and threaten to call the Police for distributing illegal drugs to a child, because I'd be pissed if it was child..

I remember my sister getting caught smoking a cigarette - my Mom had her smoke a pack right in front of her - she was choking...

I'm interested in what plan of action you will take - please let us know

Good luck with this.

Patsy

Graham (hubby) wanted to call the police and get them all busted. Fortunately, I talked to him alone, and calmed him down - He wanted someones head for this.

I'm not sure that this would be the right thing to do. Something should be done - trouble is Josh does not know what he was given - could of been normal ciggy.

He said it did have a filter, but then went on to explain that the paper was very loose and twisted at bottom - he said his head buzzed for a while (I guess an ordinary ciggy could do that to someone who has not smoked before), unsure.

I don't know the neighbouring family, but from what I can make out, the whole family is into this - so not sure if going to see them would help much.

thanks for advice :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:27 am

Peg;657719 wrote: I, myself, couldn't put him on restriction for trying for the simple fact that he was honest. I'd rather reward the honesty. I think the friend's parents do need to know what the neighbor kid was up to though.

I am going to tell them - I am also going to ask that they don't tell the kids I told, otherwise this could have bad consequences for my son.

But I have to try and stop my son (and his friend, by making parents aware) from mixing with the wrong kids and getting into the wrong stuff.

Thanks for advice :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:28 am

magenta flame;657724 wrote: I have a saying that I use on my boys "not in this house" the boys know it means I don't approve and others may not as well.

I'd talk to the little friends parents. If he loses his friend over it it may not be such a bad thing, but the parents will have a better idea of the next door neighbour. Take it from there.

I have to do this.

Thanks Mag :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:30 am

gmc;657877 wrote: My opinion-for what it's wirth is that at at the moment he's talking to you. I would suggest you need to tell him the reasons why you freaked out. If you don't tell him about drugs or whatever then someone else will do it for you. "Mummy says I mustn't" is not much of a defence against peer pressure, good reasons are, give him a grown up reason for a grown up decision he has to make himself.

I gave up smoking (cigarettes I mean) when I was twelve despite all the peer pressure to take up what was then an acceptable habit. It's because I was well aware of the consequences and i still have difficulty understanding why someone starts in the first place. Same with drugs. I knew plenty of people that were taking them but never joined in.

Great advice. If I can continue to have his trust and give him the tools to stand up to peer pressure, there is hope.

Thanks for advice :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:33 am

Thanks to all of you for the great advice. When so emotionally involved sometimes it is difficult to see common sense.

This has helped me alot, I feel less emotional and more ready to do the right thing.

Hopefully this will also help anyone else who comes across this situation, as I am sure I am not the first, or the last parent/guardian that will have to deal with this.

Thanks again to you great people of FG.

Theresa :-4

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:41 am

I don't think I'd call the Police when all children involved are 12 yrs old.

This is tough - peers can make this embarrassing for your son depending on what course of action you take.

I don't know - I would certainly let the family of the friend aware of the neighbor.

I would certainly explain & go over everything with your son - reinforce how proud you are that he confided in you etc.

Get your son involved with other activities.

There's nothing wrong with a tour of a local jail - this is what happens if???

Its tough

Patsy

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 6:08 am

JacksDad;657673 wrote: I'd have the friend visit our house

and have a talk with friend's parents as well

I agree with JD Pheasy :-4

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 11:36 am

magenta flame;658018 wrote: ok pheasy I'll give it to you straight( despite my marital crap ) I bring my kids up the way my parents brought me up. If we stuffed up we were in for it, and my kids know that if they stuff up they are in for it.

In this case your boy knows he's done wrong and his admission is sounding you out and he's wondering how tough or lenient you're going to be . (he's gaging how serious the situation is) This to me is a doosy and the whole world should be brought down on him ,although maybe a little too late now.

YOur outrage is correct and he, as a youngster, is gaging it. he want's to know from you how serious the matter is .

for me it's a lecture in no uncertain terms. along the lines of "you think you can defend yourself under the influence"? a demonstration from dad might deal with this, hey there are some sickoes out there and every 12 year old thinks they can fight them off

for my son it's coming to the time of demonstration, it worked with the first of the boys i'm tipping it will work with him. Show them they aren't that strong and they need to THINK and keep on their toes. sometimes the truth needs to be told to them. And he's at the age where he wants (by his own choice) to be informed , so inform him.

Look I'm hard on my boys but look at the world and the need to protect them.

Unfortunetly for my boys we live in a sleepy little town which makes them complacent. I think that maybe you dont' and you need to tell your boy the truth of how attractive he is to some people. That 'll shock him. Yep the age of innoscence is over for him sadly ,................but agian he's already there

I've told my boys this stuff and they aren't having nightmares or anything but they are more aware.

I never expected anything else ... that why I love ya Mag :-4

I live in an area that is very remote and quiet - far away from any city. The crime rate for our area is very low. Unfortunately, drugs seem to be a big thing - I don't know if its boredom or what. Its surprising how many times I hear drugs being mentioned in this area - but very low crime rate, and I have never heard of a drug related crime here. Where I lived in the UK was also quiet - I was never exposed to drugs as a child and never lived in an area where it seemed to be the 'in thing'.

So this is all a big shocker for me, especially when it involves one of my babys. I know he's not a baby - but he will always be my baby.

Your 'sounding me out' comment worries me. How can I continue to have this open relationship with him, where he can talk to me about anything and then 'ball him out' and punish him for his truthfulness.

We have talked to him long and hard about drugs and peer pressure. Informing him of all the harm and giving him guidance on dealing with peer pressure.

I really don't see how I can punish him, without ruining the trust. I do see however your comment about 'sounding out' and 'testing' - not sure how to deal with that one. :-5

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 11:38 am

pinkchick;658027 wrote: I agree with JD Pheasy :-4

I agree too Chicky, but it has to be handled with care. Otherwise it could have consequences for Josh. :-6

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 11:48 am

ThePheasant;658304 wrote: I agree too Chicky, but it has to be handled with care. Otherwise it could have consequences for Josh. :-6

Yes you're quite right - it's a tough one sweetie:-4