Advice Please

needadviceplease · Post by **needadviceplease** » Sat May 26, 2007 8:06 am

This is probably going to be a long one, feel free to skip over it or go get yourself a beverage. Thanks in advance to anyone willing to read through it. And I realize probably nothing's going to come of this situation for a whole variety of reasons, ranging from the moral/ethical to the logistical.

Back in the 80s (cue 80s music & inflate hair to an appropriately large size), I became good friends with a guy (I'm a woman & we're both heterosexual) through a mutual friend. We were all around 20 at the time. He had a big crush on her, so I never really thought of him as someone to date. After about a year or so, she insisted he had a crush on me. I thought she was either trying to make me feel better or make him feel better. I had no self confidence back then & I was never very good at reading those "cues" (I'm still not very good at it). We spent time together, mostly in big groups and tended to hang out because we have a similiar sense of humor, musical & movie interests.

Then most of our friends graduated & I stayed in the same town for a few years after (his hometown). We started spending more one on one time together. He asked me to his work Christmas party and I started thinking of him as perhaps more than a friend. Then he turns around and stands me up on not one occasion, but 2 (a birthday & New Year's Eve). I make the best of the birthday by renting a movie I wanted to see & ordering my favorite dinner for takeout. New Year's I dealt with by putting on my nicest dress and going out alone. I ended up meeting a very nice group of people who were kind enough to include me in their plans. We had a falling out over those 2 events and never dated. When my father passed away, the mutual friend told me he felt very badly & wanted to call me, but wasn't sure how I'd react. So I called him, he apologized and we sort of smoothed things over, but I moved from the town shortly after. We had occasional e-mail/phone contact afterwards.

So, time montage to New Millennium and all. He has since married. We get in touch again at the end of last year & it's right around New Year's and he asks what my plans are, apologizing again for the stand up. I told him it's all water under the bridge & we buried that hatchet ages ago. He replies that he still felt bad about it and that he had a bad tendency to self-sabatoge when he was younger. And he said he had feelings for me and didn't know how to handle them so that's why he did the 2 stand ups. Our mutual friend had said that back when it happened, but due to the not hearing it directly from him and the self-confidence issues when I was younger, I didn't believe her. Since he's since married, I didn't think it was appropriate to say anything other than "glad you've managed to change that & build a happy life with [his wife's name]" in response to his acknowledgement of why it happened.

So we're in fairly regular contact (mostly through e-mail). They've hit a rough patch and may be getting divorced. I honestly do hope they can work it out and I don't want to do anything to interfere with that. I've never been married and I'm not particularly religious, but I do have an enormous amount of respect for that bond and the people who try to honor it. So I've kept my comments more along the line of "I hope you 2 can work it out", etc.

But if they do proceed with a divorce (& only if they do), when would be an appropriate time for me to mention the feelings were reciprocated? I don't want to interefere with any reconciliation between them (there are no kids, but I still respect the bond as mentioned before). And I imagine even if they do get divorced, he may not be ready to hear that right away. But if they do get divorced (& only if they do), I would like to say something about the reciprocated feelings. Complicating things even more (as if they weren't complicated enough :-3 ) we live in different parts of the country. But he's talking about possibly relocating & has roots in this part of the country.

And he hasn't so far, but what if asks me about the whole reciprocation thing point blank? I gave him sort of a politician's answer about it when he finally did bring it up. Obviously, if they do decide to divorce, then it's ok to answer it honestly. But what if he asks me before that point? What do I say to respect their bond, but not deny that the feelings were reciprocated?

Well, thanks so much for reading all of this and if anyone has any advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sat May 26, 2007 8:42 am

OK - I read it. He shouldn't be asking while hes still married, thats inappropriate.

Reply is - I'm glad we communicate, I'm glad we're friends, and I'd like to remain friends always. Be careful about crossing that line - seems he may have already crossed. He may not be as faithful in his bond, you may not be the only female hes communicating with/as close. Why is he getting a divorce?

I wouldn't advise you to reveal your feelings for him - or what you think you feel.

You maybe disappointed, the man you once knew has changed.

Be the sounding board at this stage - hold your feelings to yourself - do not suggest for him to move closer to you for a questionable relationship.

Remember everyone changes - your relationship with him didn't happen for a reason, which he decided - if he was that into you, he wouldn't of stood you up.

Its never healthy to go backwards. Don't be played again.

Remain Friends

Patsy

neffy · Post by **neffy** » Sat May 26, 2007 10:45 am

Patsy Warnick;622336 wrote: OK - I read it. He shouldn't be asking while hes still married, thats inappropriate.

Reply is - I'm glad we communicate, I'm glad we're friends, and I'd like to remain friends always. Be careful about crossing that line - seems he may have already crossed. He may not be as faithful in his bond, you may not be the only female hes communicating with/as close. Why is he getting a divorce?

I wouldn't advise you to reveal your feelings for him - or what you think you feel.

You maybe disappointed, the man you once knew has changed.

Be the sounding board at this stage - hold your feelings to yourself - do not suggest for him to move closer to you for a questionable relationship.

Remember everyone changes - your relationship with him didn't happen for a reason, which he decided - if he was that into you, he wouldn't of stood you up.

Its never healthy to go backwards. Don't be played again.

Remain Friends

Patsy
i am with you on that one patsy keep ay arms length

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat May 26, 2007 11:15 am

Sit tight and wait, if he divorces and does re-locate then tell him about the reciprocated feelings.

Follow your heart not your head. I'd rather live with the heartbreak of it not working out than the 'what if' personally.

needadviceplease · Post by **needadviceplease** » Sat May 26, 2007 1:15 pm

Thanks, it's really helpful to hear the different perspectives on this. As far as the relocating, this is something he's talked about with a group of friends, not just me. And his reasoning is more professional/having friends in the areas he's considering/more cultural events.

He hasn't talked much about the reasons for their problems and my policy as a friend is to let people know I'm there for them, but not to pry if they don't volunteer information. Obviously, that's something that it would be important to find out about before anything moves beyond a friendship. If indeed the circumstance ever are at the point where that move could even happen.

Thanks again for the advice. Obviously, I don't want to say anything to our mutual friends. It's nice to have this space to be able to talk about this and get some good, thoughtful answers. Much appreciated.

emzee · Post by **emzee** » Sat May 26, 2007 7:57 pm

i have to agree with patsy too. good advice.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sun May 27, 2007 3:35 am

magenta flame;622464 wrote: In my experience and looking at different friends relationships, he is not going to leave the comfort zone of the relationship he's in. Even if his relationship is not too good at the moment he won't leave it, or if he does he'll want to fall back and have it as a backdrop in his life . He needs a comfort zone, he probably wants something else besides but he will never entirely leave his home base.

Just my opinion

whats happening MF is making total sense to me lately .help

oh i mean i agree

laneybug · Post by **laneybug** » Sun May 27, 2007 8:21 pm

Ok, since I read the whole thing, here's my take. Sorry if I'm start to sound redundant as I didn't have the patience to read everyone's replies. So if I repeat anything, just slap me upside the head and tell me to pay attention! :rolleyes:

If he were to ask you about your feelings while he's still married, I don't think it would be wrong or inappropriate to say that you had feelings for him back then. But to ask you now, while he's married, would be wrong to his marriage (even if he is getting divorced.)

As for when to tell him about your feelings if he does get divorced.... I wouldn't tell him. I wouldn't set myself up to seem pushy or whatever right after his divorce. I'd wait it out and see if he asks you about your feelings, and then fire away, obviously after his divorce is final and he's a single man again. I really hope you don't set yourself up for any heartbreak with this one. It's such a complicated issue. I'd put all of it on the back burner for now, and perhaps even see where other love interests go, if you have any, or continue to seek out new ones.

He may divorce, he may not. He may have feelings for you, he may not. I wouldn't put all my eggs in this one basket, so to speak, if I were.

However it works out.... good luck!

needadviceplease · Post by **needadviceplease** » Thu May 31, 2007 8:32 pm

Again, thanks for all of the good advice. He's moved into playing games again and we're both too old for that. Damnit, I'm middle aged, not a jr. high schooler!

I remember skinny leggings when they first came out & I could still wear them!

I'm letting him go (just a gradual fade of contact vs. anything dramatic). I deserve better. There's another guy I'm interested in, but unsure of the mutualness of the interest. Far better the unknown/unproved than someone who has proved himself to be 2 time loser!

Thanks again.

laneybug · Post by **laneybug** » Fri Jun 01, 2007 7:19 am

needadviceplease;626156 wrote: Again, thanks for all of the good advice. He's moved into playing games again and we're both too old for that. Damnit, I'm middle aged, not a jr. high schooler!

I remember skinny leggings when they first came out & I could still wear them!

I'm letting him go (just a gradual fade of contact vs. anything dramatic). I deserve better. There's another guy I'm interested in, but unsure of the mutualness of the interest. Far better the unknown/unproved than someone who has proved himself to be 2 time loser!

Thanks again.

Good for you. I'm really glad you know you deserve better and I think you've made the right choice. Good luck with the other man you have your eyes on. :-6