Separated Update

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue May 03, 2005 8:53 am

anewlife wrote: Hi all -

I just rented a nice place in the city, but I feel like a failure.

I understand perfectly, except...you are not a failure. You have beautiful children. You call them failures?

I think she's having second thoughts about the kids because she realizes that she will not have them all the time.

Second thoughts? Like she wants them all the time, or none of it?

She told me last night that she does not think she can afford the house because it would mean working full time and in her mind she does not want to do that.

Tough. The lazy little girl needs to remember she's an adult. Time to go out and support herself. Ther rest of us do it. What? She's better than everyone else? Better than you? Don't let her use you for a crutch, she needs to stand on her own two feet. Maybe she'll appreciate the job you were doing more.

...Am I being unfair? I'm already promicing her about 60k per year in support..

Holy CRAP! Dude, that's close to double my yearly salary, and I live just fine. She'll have to learn to do without and adjust her lifestyle. (No more 200 cable channels and unlimited cell phone minutes!) I would think that 30 K is plenty enough, and the other 30K should go to you to help you establish a new life.

I don't think (since it was her idea to end it) that she can say...I don't want to work. My first thought was - you made the bed now lie in it - but I kept my mouth shut.

Oh HECK no. You should definitely open your mouth. Look, she decided to end the relationship, she wants her own space. Fine, then she needs to grow up and take care of herself. It sounds to me like she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. I get my freedom, but I still get to have him pay for my lifestyle. The perfect combo...all the fun and no personal responsibility!!

What are you? A Babysitter?

My first wife wanted to do the same thing to me....despite the fact that I caught her in bed with another guy. I asked myself, "Was this my fault? I'm a faiilure!" That was absolutely untrue, she made her own decision.

i was about to give her everything too, until my lawyer (Air Force) slapped some sense into me.

If she wants to make her own way in this world, fine....She can make her own way.

greydeadhead · Post by **greydeadhead** » Tue May 03, 2005 8:53 am

Well.. surprize. How did she think she was going to financial survive. During the mediation make sure that you get half of the proceeds if you decide to sell the house... everything .. split it down the middle. How did the kids take the news..?? Make sure that visitatiion or custody rights are spelled out in the mediation agreement. Same for alimony or childe support. No.. you are not being unfair. The decision to divorce was a joint decision.. she is going to have to realize that you are not longer her source of income. She will have to go to work.. fact of life..

Again.. hang in there.. this is the tuffest part of it.

babygirl · Post by **babygirl** » Tue May 03, 2005 8:57 am

well said Jives i couldn't of put it better myself.

i am glad you have a nice flat just keep your chin up it was her idea to end it and like you said she has made her bed and now she must lye in it.... Don't give in to her she wanted it to happen so it is upto het to find a job.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue May 03, 2005 9:08 am

It doesn't sound like your being rough to me. Make sure you have a good lawyer, he can help keep you in check. And don't let her guilt you into thinking you've got to keep her lifestyle the way it was. The grass is not always greener on the other side like so many think.

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Tue May 03, 2005 9:09 am

I agree with all of the above. She needs to realise that the children are her responsibility aswell and you're not just her ATM machine.

60k a year is a lot of money. Half of that would be fine and the other half could be put in the childrens savings.

Keeping your mouth shut will only end up with you keeping your feelings to yourself and eventually you'll crack up. Tell her even if she won't like it. You have just as much say as her and if she doesn't like it............its just tough.

I'd like to work part time but that's life

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue May 03, 2005 10:02 am

Well, wouldn't that be nice? "Yeah, I no longer want to have the "burden" of a husband, but I don't want to have to support myself either, so let him take care of all those messy bills and things." What a crock. Sorry if you think this is harsh, but I'm assuming you posted the update to get realistic responses. Women like this just infuriate me. What is she, helpless? Is she an invalid, or an idiot, or what? She doesn't want independence, she wants a keeper. Sorry sweetheart, this is the 21st century and women WORK. If I was in your shoes, this attitude of hers would completely over ride any guilt any I felt. This would p!ss me off. And DON'T keep your mouth shut. Little wifey-poo needs a friggin' wake-up call. Divorce is ugly, not a means to have your lazy butt taken care of for the rest of your life. Can you tell I'm pissed? Women like her give strong, independent women a bad name.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue May 03, 2005 10:04 am

Whoa! Go BR! You rock!

yeah, I agree...she's not after a divorce, she wants to retire at your expense!

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue May 03, 2005 1:06 pm

60 K a year? can I be your ex?

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue May 03, 2005 1:08 pm

Oh barf. She didn't realize? That was her choice. She didn't want to know. And now that she does know, it's freaking her out? Tough noogies. You have to WORK to make money. It takes real, actual effort. Sounds to me like she is having a grand ol' time running her little business, with no sense of the reality of life. I'm getting the hell out of this thread before I say something totally mean. My tongue hurts.

And by the way, this is not a shot at you personally. I really do feel for you in this situation. I just hope you're not getting totally screwed.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue May 03, 2005 1:55 pm

anewlife wrote: Jives -

It's not quite that bad. I helped her start her own business (I have my own as well) and she (i think) is trying not to be dependant on me.

Good for you, that was smart as well as generous.

she didn't realize how much money it takes to live the way we were.

So the problem is that she's not willing to reduce her standard of living. Well, I'm sorry for that, but sometimes it's necessary. My wife's medical bills almost bankrupted me this month. So guess what? Out went the cell phones (we have a land line) out went the cable box (we have a huge DVD collection), and we reduced all spending. Sometimes it just has to be done!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 03, 2005 2:37 pm

Jives has summed it up nicely I think.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 03, 2005 2:42 pm

BTW Anew.....

make sure you ensure you both live equal life styles, they may not be the same as what you had. Tough for her but make sure your not living in poverty while she sits back and eats bonbons all day living off you. Get joint custody of those kids, stick with the legal sums for child support and get you lawyer to really hammer out spousal support that is "FAIR" trust me on this it is key as her lawyer is going to go for your jugular if you don't take a stand on fair life styles. And don't offer 60K a year shite man way to much. If you go for that then it better include child support.

BTW be very careful in Mediation, do not settle anything in writing there, take it home and think it over.

greydeadhead · Post by **greydeadhead** » Wed May 04, 2005 4:27 am

Minks makes a very very good point.. don't agree to anything until you have had a chance to really really read it thru. Friend of mine went the mediation route.. and I told him the same thing.. good thing too cuz her lawyer and her were trying to send him to the poor house.. lousy visitation.. etc. And .. if she thinks you are going to continue to support her in what she deems a manner acceptable to her.. hell man she has another thing coming. Don't shortchange your lifestyle to support her. Okay.. you helped her start her business.. now it is hers.. not yours.... you worry about yourself first.. I know this sounds very egotistical and greedy.. but if you don't look out for yourself and your interests .. who is gonna.. right..

Stay on it man.. don't give in.. she decided.. now she has to live with her decision.... it is callled be a grownup.. kinda sucks at times..

greydeadhead · Post by **greydeadhead** » Wed May 04, 2005 4:35 am

P.S. you are NOT a failure.. okay.. things happen you can't control.. deal with it the best you can and when you look in the mirror you can respect yourself.. you are the only person you have to anwser too.. okay.. now get out there and live hooooooo yeah...