How honest can you be?

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:39 pm

A close friend asks - and genuinely wants - your opinion about something, but your opinion is one that he is likely to find quite painful. For example, your friend is an artist and asks your honest estimate of his chances of being successful. You think he is an atrocious artist who hasn't the slightest chance of success. What would you do?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:43 pm

I would tell the truth-gently. And lead my friend in the conversation about ways to improve their art, since it is something that is important to them.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:46 pm

chonsigirl wrote: I would tell the truth-gently. And lead my friend in the conversation about ways to improve their art, since it is something that is important to them.

same here. I'd also mention that art is a matter of taste and that it is only my opinion...which is just a specific way of telling it gently.

ch4rlie · Post by **ch4rlie** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:47 pm

i would tell them that as long as you are happy it doesn't matter what sales. if i were feeling less daring i would nod and say nice.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:48 pm

I go for other, every situation is different. I generally admit I am no expert and to me it looks fine. I also know some people take criticisim better than others so I tell them the flat out truth.

However if someone got a hair cut, it was awful and they are in tears over it and ask my opinion I would say .... *skirts question* It will grow out. hehehehe

ch4rlie · Post by **ch4rlie** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:52 pm

minks wrote: I go for other, every situation is different. I generally admit I am no expert and to me it looks fine. I also know some people take criticisim better than others so I tell them the flat out truth.

However if someone got a hair cut, it was awful and they are in tears over it and ask my opinion I would say .... *skirts question* It will grow out. hehehehe

you can't tell the truth to someone who wears their ego on their sleeve. its all relative. i agree.

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:14 pm

I'd tone it down but stay on the right side of the truth.

Instead of "No chance - you're a lousy artist" it would be "It's a really difficult niche to break into and I think you'll struggle"

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:19 pm

Mine would be a "yes..but...". My response would be only if I were able to be tactfull and gracious about it. And if I thought the person would be better for it.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:45 pm

I can be brutally honest. The example of art is a tough one though, because it is such a selective and personal taste. My level of honesty is also controlled by the level on intimacy I share with a person. The receiver needs to know me well enough to know, I wouldnt hurt them or have ulterior motives for criticisim.

daBunnyWendy7 · Post by **daBunnyWendy7** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:15 pm

I don't inflict pain or harm whnever possible.

An illustration would be a recent transaction on ebay was absolutely horrid.The seller,like so many others said,just keep shopping and whenever you are done send a request for a combined invoice.Just ignore all my emails re please pay now,they're autogenerated.SO I dd do so.A few days later they had ebay post 8 nonpaying bidder strikes.BTW my feedback IS perfect.100 % ositive with about 1,000 transactions on just this most recent ID.f course I was horrified.Sent emails re their email's instructions,ect.They got nasty and I couldn't believe it.I ppaled them immediately even though they kept ignoring my repeated requests for a combined invoice which they NEVER sent.I sent them an email w copy fwd of their original email a few days prior.They continued to harrass me and tell ebay I had NEVER esponded to ANY of their msgs.I replied to several before that.I sent a message summarizing the events & included attached copies of THEIR msgs AND my responses.I stated I COULDNOT refer them to friends AS I DID for MANY OTHER sellers BUT that I would state somethig positive in feedback for them re ea purchase.I did state FABRICS recieved were beautiful and/or unusual.DID NOT leave effusively positive feedback re GREAT seller AS I USUALLY DO.BUT certainly managed to be positive.

PS this surprised the possibly emotionally unstable seller whose feedback WAS NOT all positive as MINE WAS.She left VERY positive feedback AFTER I did state "lovely prints,ect " on hers.

Being honest DOESNOT necessarily require brutality.

Wendy

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 9:36 am

this is the only time I'm ok with lying...because I just can't hurt someone's feelings...

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:05 am

sunny104 wrote: this is the only time I'm ok with lying...because I just can't hurt someone's feelings...

Sometimes lying to save someones feeling can be cruel. If they take it as truth and act on it then it could hurt them even more.

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:17 am

Bryn Mawr wrote: Sometimes lying to save someones feeling can be cruel. If they take it as truth and act on it then it could hurt them even more.
yes, it all depends on the situation....

I don't think you'd hurt someone's feelings if you said that they shouldn't marry a serial killer....but you would hurt their feelings if you said that their new jeans make them look fat.

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:20 am

sunny104 wrote: yes, it all depends on the situation....

I don't think you'd hurt someone's feelings if you said that they shouldn't marry a serial killer....but you would hurt their feelings if you said that their new jeans make them look fat.

True - does my arse look big in this does *not* call for an honest answer :yh_rotfl

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:22 am

Bryn Mawr wrote: True - does my arse look big in this does *not* call for an honest answer :yh_rotfl
:wah:

weber · Post by **weber** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:28 am

I went with other because every situation is different. Sometimes it is important to give my friend an honest answer if I think s/he really wants and needs to know in order to do something better.

Sometimes a friend will ask for my opionion which might not really matter that much one way or t'other in that case.

Adam Zapple · Post by **Adam Zapple** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 12:43 pm

This really happened to me once. One of my best friends and my roommate had a lifelong desire to be a singer. He was a good singer but his voice wouldn't blow you away. Anyway, one day he went to the studio to make a demo of a song he wrote. I was happy for him and complimented him on the demo. I thought it was good that he was giving it a try. His family and some of his other friends went overboard on the gushing. They would cry and go on and on about how wonderful he was. Next thing I know, he is quitting his job and emptying out his life savings to make his own CD and going on the road to promote it with another friend - neither of them had any contacts or experience in the mucsi industry. I didn't offer my opinion but when he had me listen to the CD and wanted to know what I thought, I told him as kindly as I could. It hurt him badly and we weren't such good friends after that. Today, he works in Human Resources. Maybe honesty isn't always the best policy - even with your best friends.

weber · Post by **weber** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 7:38 pm

Sometimes we need to just be a good friend to be there when things don't work out. Most of us need to find things out for ourselves.

eyesopen · Post by **eyesopen** » Thu Sep 28, 2006 2:10 pm

Wouldnt we all like to say we would be honest with a friend? of course, but not if it shatters there dreams so what if we mislead them in to thinking they are good at something when they are not so good as long as they are happy does it really hurt???:sneaky: :sneaky: :sneaky:

laneybug · Post by **laneybug** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 3:47 pm

There is blunt honesty, and then there is tact. If someone really wants my honest opinion, and that opinion may hurt, I would be extremely tactful. But I don't believe in asking another person's opinion without understanding the possibility of not liking it, so I hold others to the same. If you may not like the answer... don't ask! But, on the other hand, tact is a beautiful thing.