In need of help....

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 9:54 pm

Folks if this isnt the place someone just delete this post, and I apologize in advance.

Has anyone here had to deal with a cheating spouse?

If so what clued you in?

I have strong cause for my concerns...

Thanks

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:12 pm

What are your strong causes of concern ?

Are you male or female ?

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:17 pm

If it smells like a skunk, more than likely it is a skunk.

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:18 pm

I'm male married 20+ years;

Concerns are long unexplained periods of "out of touch"

cant contact in any fashion.

sudden wieght loss,

$100's in new clothes

new sexy underwear

neglects house

new need of extended periods away from house

severe mood swings

new "tricks / moves" in bedroom

just to name a few

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:19 pm

twk1964;473501 wrote: Folks if this isnt the place someone just delete this post, and I apologize in advance.

Has anyone here had to deal with a cheating spouse?

If so what clued you in?

I have strong cause for my concerns...

Thanks

Yes, couldn't prove it...this is one of those topics that have alot of different aspects on it...Everyone's situation alittle different. One clue is if they accuse you of cheating....doesn't happen to everyone...usually guilty themselves and trying to clear their guilty conscious...

I am sorry that you are going through this...takes a long time, if ever to heal from it...some people NEVER heal...they go through life very bitter and can't trust anyone and prevents them from true happiness....(or possiblility of it)...Yes, speaking from experience...

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:19 pm

Peg;473508 wrote: If it smells like a skunk, more than likely it is a skunk.

That might be hasty Peg. Some people are insecure and naturally paranoid. How many times have you heard about the guy/gal accusing the other without basis except for their own delusional thinking.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:21 pm

twk1964;473509 wrote: I'm male married 20+ years;

Concerns are long unexplained periods of "out of touch"

cant contact in any fashion.

sudden wieght loss,

$100's in new clothes

new sexy underwear

neglects house

new need of extended periods away from house

severe mood swings

new "tricks / moves" in bedroom

just to name a few

Have you tried the direct approach with your concerns ?

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:22 pm

no i'm not the insecure or paranoid type so with me that IS NOT an issue

Type a personality here

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:22 pm

twk1964;473509 wrote: I'm male married 20+ years;

Concerns are long unexplained periods of "out of touch"

cant contact in any fashion.

sudden wieght loss,

$100's in new clothes

new sexy underwear

neglects house

new need of extended periods away from house

severe mood swings

new "tricks / moves" in bedroom

just to name a few

those are strong signs, the "new tricks" in the bedroom is a familiar one to me...I experienced that one.....It could just be a mid life crisis?? Women experience them too, we don't buy convertibles...we try to re-gain our "girly figure and sexuality"....some not all...

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:23 pm

yes direct approach results in blatant hostility

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:27 pm

twk1964;473515 wrote: yes direct approach results in blatant hostility

Did you accuse or tell her your concerned ? Be honest.

If it turns out she is, what then ?

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:29 pm

actually done both expressed as cocern several times, finally told her i thought she was screwin around.

If i ever prove it, i'm outta here

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:34 pm

flop, thanks, but fully aware of that one i work in the medical field

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:37 pm

Nomad;473511 wrote: That might be hasty Peg. Some people are insecure and naturally paranoid. How many times have you heard about the guy/gal accusing the other without basis except for their own delusional thinking.

I'll agree that perhaps it was a bit hasty, but in my own personal experience, I was right. They seldom admit it until caught, until then, I'd follow my own intuition any time.

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:44 pm

My intuitions are usually dead on.....

thats why i'm questioning things

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:57 pm

Whats your plan ?

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:00 pm

Plan is simple:

proof required

computer is being monitored

Phone bills are being forwarded to my email

Going to hire a PI

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:02 pm

twk1964;473533 wrote: Plan is simple:

proof required

computer is being monitored

Phone bills are being forwarded to my email

Going to hire a PI

Be cool in the meantime. Till you know.

Hope your wrong on that.

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:04 pm

Nomad, trying to be cool, hard for me at best but i am trying!

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:12 pm

Whats wrong with the marriage ?

You dont have to answer but its something you might want to give some deep thought to.

I suppose affairs can just happen but usually its the result of___________?

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:17 pm

Nomad, i really do not know. things have seemed perfectly fine until recently. my grown son pointed out that his mother was showing strange behavior. then i began paying attention to small things

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:24 pm

I knew when the cell phone bill jumped several hundred dollars in one month.

He was suddenly going to *a friends* house every night.

No interest in me or what I say

when asked if cheating, he aggressively denied it, turned everything around on me.

And the big one, finding a pack of condoms in the saddlebags on his motorcycle.

But then again, he was a dumba$$ in the fact he pressed me to be friends with the chic..:rolleyes:

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:24 pm

mrs k , i can only hope....i dont know

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:27 pm

sheryl, i'm sorta being pressed to be friends also, yes i think i know the guy

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:30 pm

twk1964;473549 wrote: sheryl, i'm sorta being pressed to be friends also, yes i think i know the guy

Theres more to it than your offering up then, right ?

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:30 pm

Ladies and Gents,

I must go to work now. I will check back in the morning. opinions are appreciated

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:31 pm

not following your last nomad????

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:33 pm

If you think you know who the guy is, and happen to get a chance to be in both of their company at the same time. Just sit back and observe them, they may try to hide it, but their body language will tell ya loads.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:41 pm

twk1964;473553 wrote: not following your last nomad????

If your being pressed to be friends with him and you think you know him then it seems theres more to it than your letting on. Maybe Im just missing something...feel free to never mind me.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:46 pm

flopstock;473558 wrote: Why? To protect your assets? I'm not objecting to that strategy mind you, but you aren't doing all of these things to salvage a relationship. You're doing them in order to justify ending one, IMO.

If there is any interest on your part left, in this 20+ year relationship, you need to start chasing her like you did when you first met her. You need to treat her like the a young sex kitten and not the wife and mother she has been remade into over the years. And I'm not suggesting that you are the one that turned her into that, only that at some point recently, she probably looked in the mirror and wondered where 'she' went... and someone was paying attention..that someone may not have been you.

Good luck to ya.

Diane

Wow. Foopy strikes again !

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 3:00 am

twk made me remember, I experienced this 22 years ago. With 20 something years together... you certainly would recognize changes in behavior, routine etc.. that have led you to suspect infidelity. It is one of the most damaging experiences one can go through in life. Ive had a few female friends over the years who enjoyed bringing their husbands and lovers together in one room. It was thrilling for them. I have always had to end the friendships, as I find this behavior reprehensible and cruel. Going through life changes does not give liscence to destroy someone else. And working in the medical field is not protection from potentially lethal disease. Take care, stay calm and until you know for certain what is going on... do whatever you must to protect your mental, physical, and emmotional well being.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 5:17 am

weeder;473634 wrote: twk made me remember, I experienced this 22 years ago. With 20 something years together... you certainly would recognize changes in behavior, routine etc.. that have led you to suspect infidelity. It is one of the most damaging experiences one can go through in life. Ive had a few female friends over the years who enjoyed bringing their husbands and lovers together in one room. It was thrilling for them. I have always had to end the friendships, as I find this behavior reprehensible and cruel. Going through life changes does not give liscence to destroy someone else. And working in the medical field is not protection from potentially lethal disease. Take care, stay calm and until you know for certain what is going on... do whatever you must to protect your mental, physical, and emmotional well being.

:yh_clap :yh_clap... very well said!!

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 5:18 am

fully aware weeder thats why i've already been tested and gone back to "protection" when the rare act occurs

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 5:31 am

Hello twk :-6

I'm concerned about the long periods of time where she is unreachable . . .

what does that exactly mean? For how long?

(My good thoughts are with you) :-6

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 7:35 am

chera its 2-3 hours at a time has been as long as 5 hours ,

nomad, more than i'm letting on? not letting on anything, i know what i suspect, dont have proof of anything, if so i wouldnt be spilling my guts here.

end a relationship... well the way i was brought up is, once a cheat always a cheat , count your losses and move on

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 7:40 am

twk :-6

It sounds like you are taking all the necessary steps to find out if this relationship is worth ending

But have you considered if it is worth trying to save? Do you still love her? Do you still like her? I know that the 'respect her' part is in question.

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 7:43 am

Is it possible at all that THIS is the scenario:

Woman finally gets tired of being fat and staying around the house all the time. Her children are finally grown. She loses weight. Since she lost weight she HAS to buy all new clothes. Woman finally feels sexy and great about herself, so she is more experimental in the sack. Husband is a sneaky, paranoid, control freak, so she cant stand to be around him. Thats why she stays away. maybe she is shopping, hiking, exercising, etc. Maybe she simply has a new hobby now that she is a skinny, active, feirce female. Would that at ALL be possible?

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 7:56 am

dg ,

i very much am offended , for 20 years i have Never question where, what or why on anything she has ever done. Until the oddities started

AM i Perfect?

ABSOLUTELY NOT !

BUT I HAVE NEVER CHEATED

twk1964 · Post by **twk1964** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:00 am

Chera, cant answer that at this point in time, right now i'm as confused as a baby racoon. The best answer i can give is that the answer changes repeatedly , right now i havent a clue. betrayal or the possibility there of, is a hard pill to swallow

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:15 am

twk1964;473766 wrote: dg ,

i very much am offended , for 20 years i have Never question where, what or why on anything she has ever done. Until the oddities started

AM i Perfect?

ABSOLUTELY NOT !

BUT I HAVE NEVER CHEATED

First off, I never said you were perfect or accused you of being a cheater. You said yourself that you had a TYPE A personality. Isnt this scenario even a consideration with you? Maybe she is tired of being stuck in the house cleaning and cooking and taking care of kids all day. Now that her children are grown and she feels better about herself she is starting to have a life outside of the marriage. And it could be its not sexual in nature at all. IM just playing the Devil's advocate here, maybe introducing another perspective to this "problem". It happens all the time with older women in the stage of kids being gone, etc...

There is a reason you dont trust her. Dig deep and figure out why and what that is.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:25 am

I think I would probably take a different approach to this also. If the same scenerio were happening in my house the first thing I hope I would do is be the person who notices the changes and appreciate them. She may be looking for acceptance and attention again. I honestly feel even if my wife were too cheat I would do everything in my power to win her back. 20 some years of marriage and a lifetime together mean more to me than a few rolls in the hay. And if it cant be fixed, if you shower her with love and attention I think she would feel guilty enough to come clean and end it one way or another. At least then you would know where you stand and be able to deal with it.JMO

Elvira · Post by **Elvira** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:41 am

DesignerGal;473757 wrote: Is it possible at all that THIS is the scenario:

Woman finally gets tired of being fat and staying around the house all the time. Her children are finally grown. She loses weight. Since she lost weight she HAS to buy all new clothes. Woman finally feels sexy and great about herself, so she is more experimental in the sack. Husband is a sneaky, paranoid, control freak, so she cant stand to be around him. Thats why she stays away. maybe she is shopping, hiking, exercising, etc. Maybe she simply has a new hobby now that she is a skinny, active, feirce female. Would that at ALL be possible?

YAY!! Go DG!!!

This was me - admittedly not for 20 years, but for 4 of 8 I was fat and depressed. I lost weight, bought new clothes, started going out (had practically been a recluse until this point) and feeling generally a whole lot better. My lifestyle changed, I started getting more involved in my friends lives, so was unavailable for long periods of time also. (up to a day!)

I had never cheated on my bf, but his constant accusations and jealousy was one of the reasons I left him in the end.

This woman has probably been a wife and mother for x number of years. Her children have grown up, and she now has time for herself - and she's taking it. She's lost weight and feels sexy, so she's starting to be more adventurous in bed.

She's changing - call it a mid life crisis - it's not just men that get them!

Cut to the chase - save yourself a heap of cash and heartache, and ask her if she wants to be with you. If she says no - then you have your answer. If she says yes - then work out with her how to get the marriage back on track. Get a life of your own that equals hers. Enjoy it.

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:44 am

Elvira;473798 wrote: YAY!! Go DG!!!

This was me - admittedly not for 20 years, but for 4 of 8 I was fat and depressed. I lost weight, bought new clothes, started going out (had practically been a recluse until this point) and feeling generally a whole lot better. My lifestyle changed, I started getting more involved in my friends lives, so was unavailable for long periods of time also. (up to a day!)

I had never cheated on my bf, but his constant accusations and jealousy was one of the reasons I left him in the end.

This woman has probably been a wife and mother for x number of years. Her children have grown up, and she now has time for herself - and she's taking it. She's lost weight and feels sexy, so she's starting to be more adventurous in bed.

She's changing - call it a mid life crisis - it's not just men that get them!

Cut to the chase - save yourself a heap of cash and heartache, and ask her if she wants to be with you. If she says no - then you have your answer. If she says yes - then work out with her how to get the marriage back on track. Get a life of your own that equals hers. Enjoy it.

Thank goodness someone sees my point! Ive seen so many relationships fall apart over this because of the men. Women who lose all that weight feel great about themselves and get more attention. That attention drives the man in the relationship mad and he gets jealous and its ridiculous. The man in the relationship should be showering his new fit and active woman with lots more attention instead of becoming paranoid and crazy.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:48 am

When she comes home which do you think she would rather hear?

"Wow your looking good, lets go out so I can show you off." or

"Where the hell have you been? Waht have you been doing? Why couldnt I get ahold of you? etc etc

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:51 am

Elvira;473798 wrote: Cut to the chase - save yourself a heap of cash and heartache, and ask her if she wants to be with you.

Interesting. And direct.

What do you think, twk? :-6