I been saving up

[Grumpaz]

Your Eight Names

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1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet name and current street )



2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)



3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)



4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)



5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)



6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your first name, first three of your middle and last)



7. Terrorist Name: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)



8. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, favorite drink)



Mine are:

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: Laddie Teson

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: Helena Milky Way

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: C Je

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: Purple Horse

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: Jean Cairo

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: Che Jea Pat

7. Terrorist Name: Naej Rellim

8. SUPERHERO NAME: The Purple Mudslide





Harold

Harold was 92 and lived in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,

Harold went to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar,

listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.



One evening, Mildred, age 86, wandered into the garden. They begin to

chat,

and before they knew it, several hours had passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turned to Mildred asked,

"Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asked, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replied.

Mildred exclaimed, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a

gun

to your head!"

"I know," Harold said, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it

for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," said Mildred, who unzipped his trousers, removed his

m anhood and proceeded to hold it.

Afterward, they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden where

they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She

walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the

pool

with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! ----- What does Ethel

have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".



Just Moved to Texas

Dear Mom and Dad,

June 1st:

Just moved to Texas!

Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.

What a place

It is beautiful.

I've finally found my home.

I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up.

Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.

Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.

I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th

Had the backya rd landscaped with western plants today.

Lots of cactus and rocks.

What a breeze to maintain.

No more mowing the lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.

How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least it's kind of windy though. But getting

used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool.

Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson though.

Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed my cat, Lomita, sneaking into the car

when I left this morning.

By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had

died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag,

then popped like a water balloon.

The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits.

I learned my lesson though.

No more pets in this heat.

Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks.

It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!

And it's hot as hell.

The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC

repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me

he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now.

$225,000 house and I can't even go inside.

Lomita is the lucky one.

Why did I ever come here?

August 1st:

It's 115 degrees.

Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.

It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85.

I hate this stupid state.

August 3rd:

If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?'

I'm going to strangle him...Damn heat.

By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over,

my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

August 5th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts,

When I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire.

My skin melted to the seat.

I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the

back of my legs and butt.

Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt and baked cat.

Aug 6th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording.

Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...

And the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?

Water rationing has been on the last six weeks.

My $1,700 worth of cactus might just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

August 8th:

Welcome to HELL!

Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forg ot to crack the window and blew the damn

windshield out of the car.

The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???

"Hot enough for you today?"



August 10th:

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas...What kind of a sick demented idiot

would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.



My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."



Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.



"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"











You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!











"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."



Illinois GIRL

A girl from Illinois and a girl from the east coast

were seated side by

side on an airplane. The girl from Illinois, being

friendly and all,

said, "So, where ya from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they

know better than to

use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Illinois, sat quietly for a few moments

and then

replied: "So, where ya from, bitch?"

[YZGI]

8. The green Rum and Coke

[YZGI]

Now if we did all these you would know our first middle and last names. Our Mothers maiden name, our grand parents name, where we used to live and I'm sure somewhere in there is my Social security number and Visa number.

[Sheryl]

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

Loved the jokes!!!!!

[Screamer]

YZGI wrote: Now if we did all these you would know our first middle and last names. Our Mothers maiden name, our grand parents name, where we used to live and I'm sure somewhere in there is my Social security number and Visa number.
I thought the SAME EXACT thing

[Grumpaz]

YZGI wrote: Now if we did all these you would know our first middle and last names. Our Mothers maiden name, our grand parents name, where we used to live and I'm sure somewhere in there is my Social security number and Visa number.


Exactly. :sneaky:

[MoreThanALover]

:wah: