Adopting ethnic children - difficult?

[Felinessa]

I thought about putting this in my reply to the Adoption thread, but then I realized it might be throwing too much information at once and making it hard for people to give answers. So here is a different issue.

A sticky point that I encountered while doing web research is the agencies' reluctance to place an "ethnic" child in a White or partly White family. You see, we would prefer a biracial child because we are a mixed couple (White/Asian), but I wonder if my background will prove a liability. In my mind, it makes perfect sense to get a mixed child, because s/he will feel more at home and find cultural commonalities with both of us. But it might be a problem, it seems.

The reasons invoked by the agencies make sense up to a certain point. They refer to the fact that a White Canadian couple would squash the child's connection with his/her background and culture. They also draw on ethnic adoptees' accounts, such as women who felt confused and uprooted while growing up because their inner image (which was Caucasian) didn't match their outward appearance. Or Black women's inability to identify with a White mother and feeling misunderstood or not understood at all. These are all valid points. Funny, however, how they never mention boys' inability to identify with their adoptive fathers. I wonder if the gender issue is a separate one.

HOWEVER ... the assumption that bothers me the most is that being White means having no culture (or being part of the "mainstream Canadian culture," which is somehow seen as being synonymous with "no culture"). First of all, many of us who happen to be Caucasian do have a distinct cultural background. I, for example, was born and raised in Romania. But I also lived in the American Midwest for a year when I was in high-school (exchange student) and in New York State for 4 years (did my undergraduate degree there). Then I came to Canada for grad school 3 years ago and I plan to settle here. So I think I have been exposed to more different cultures than both your average redneck and your average North-American ethnic person (and by exposed I mean actually living there, not sampling the cuisine).

In addition to that, since I decided to immigrate now, at 25, this is a very conscious decision on my part. I'm not a refugee or mail-order bride and I'm not choosing Canada for economic advantages. I want to live here because I find the culture (yes, that supposed North-American "non-culture") as being the most germane to my own beliefs.

This brings me to my second point, which is that the equation of mainstream Canadian culture with "no culture" (this is not clearly stated, but implied) is dismissive and insulting. The problem comes from the fact that culture is often measured by history, which is why newer societies are perceived to have less culture because they have a shorter history. However, culture is a very fluid thing, and if we are to be fair, no current society is in any way similar to how it was 1,000 years ago, which is a good thing in my opinion (Inquisition, anyone?). So claiming thousands of years of history is, in fact, no measure of the "quality" of a culture, but often a result of nostalgia. I can tell you first-hand that while my people can claim 2,000 years of civilization, their society is in no way better than the Canadian one (and I'm excluding the economic factor from the equation). In fact, I found more interest in Culture (in its intellectual sense), cultures, and culture (in the anthropological sense) here. The fact that Canadians are probably more interested in human and civil rights than many others is one of the strong characteristics of the culture here, the way I see it (and the reason why I thought I fit in here better than anywhere else).

Now I realize that in the social workers' eyes, we wouldn't be as "bad" as a Caucasian couple, because my fiance LOOKS "ethnic." But he's been here since he was a kid, so he's way more Canadian than I am (has had the nifty little citizenship card for 15ish years now, while I'm still hounding mine :wah: ). So, of course, if we adopted a biracial kid, we would make sure to introduce him/her to our respective cultures, but the fact of the matter is that we are not a Romanian/Chinese couple - we are a Canadian couple, we live in Canada, our adopted kid will have been presumably born in Canada and will function as a Canadian for the rest of his/her life by luck of the draw, unless s/he decides to be an expat for reasons of his/her choosing. If our kid decides to become English or German or God knows what else, like we chose to be Canadian, that's okay too. But what exactly is so wrong with raising a kid who was born in Canada in the spirit of the mainstream culture (with small additions of our own, mostly linguistic)? After all, aren't Canadians of all colours and ethnic backgrounds? Why should ethnicity be incompatible with mainstream culture, when our own society is a mixture of the two?

And lastly, has anyone adopted a child of a different ethnicity from their own country? Have social services put you through the wringer? And has your child had any problems? Or, has anyone been adopted by parents of a different ethnicity? What has your experience been like?

[Adam Zapple]

I have a bi-racial son (not biologically) that I have raised from birth. It has been a wonderful experience. I love him as much as my biological children and he is simply no different that any of the rest of the family. He is happy, well-adjusted, has a great sense of humor, and just lives life like any other 8-yr old boy. We deal with the occassional odd look ( a white family with a black boy) but we've become used to it and don't worry about it. I don't think he notices those things. He deals with occassional comments from other kids who can't understand why he has two white parents but he blows it off. He has sometimes asked why his skin is different but we talk to him and by the time we are through he is laughing and giggling and bragging about his "beautiful skin" and reassuring me that my skin is beautiful too.

All that other stuff people "worry" about is tripe. Either they are over-analyzing or they are trying to make excuses for their own racists views. If you want a biracial child then fight for priviledge to adopt one. Don't let anyone stand in your way. Your child will love you unconditionally and you will provide that child with a terrific home and that's all that matters. To hell with everyone else.

[Felinessa]

Thank you for the great reply, A.Z.. I am very glad to hear that your son is happy and well-adjusted, and, after all, why shouldn't he? He has a great family, a normal childhood, and, after all, I've seen biracial biological siblings who looked like they weren't part of the same ethnic group. Also, it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job at cultivating mutual acceptance and love in your family.

Now let me pick your brain for a little, if you'll allow it.

I imagine American agencies work very similarly to Canadian ones (e.g. home study, similar durations, etc). Did you have any problems while adopting? Were you grilled on the race issue? Or did it go smoothly?

My impression is that the exaggerated emphasis on the child's ethnic background only serves to create disharmony within the family. How could a child feel part of his family if everyone makes a point that he's different? I think the situation is a bit different if an older child is adopted from a different country, in which case I believe adoptive parents should educate themselves on the culture so the child doesn't feel transplated in a completely alien world where no one gets his/her ways. But if your child was born in your country, there is really no cultural adjustment.

And, of course, if we could have a biological child, it would turn out biracial anyway :wah: Would the social services take my kid away because he or she couldn't identify with me because I'm white? What a load of bs

[DesignerGal]

Felinessa wrote: Thank you for the great reply, A.Z.. I am very glad to hear that your son is happy and well-adjusted, and, after all, why shouldn't he? He has a great family, a normal childhood, and, after all, I've seen biracial biological siblings who looked like they weren't part of the same ethnic group. Also, it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job at cultivating mutual acceptance and love in your family.

Now let me pick your brain for a little, if you'll allow it.

I imagine American agencies work very similarly to Canadian ones (e.g. home study, similar durations, etc). Did you have any problems while adopting? Were you grilled on the race issue? Or did it go smoothly?

My impression is that the exaggerated emphasis on the child's ethnic background only serves to create disharmony within the family. How could a child feel part of his family if everyone makes a point that he's different? I think the situation is a bit different if an older child is adopted from a different country, in which case I believe adoptive parents should educate themselves on the culture so the child doesn't feel transplated in a completely alien world where no one gets his/her ways. But if your child was born in your country, there is really no cultural adjustment.

And, of course, if we could have a biological child, it would turn out biracial anyway :wah: Would the social services take my kid away because he or she couldn't identify with me because I'm white? What a load of bs


I havent had anyone from the agency remark on race yet here in the states. We are interetsed in adoption overseas. I also replied to your post in the Adoption Question thread.

[Marie5656]

Here are a couple of points. My step grandson is adopted. He was born in Kasicstyan, and he is half Chinese. He is just two now, but Brenda and John had no problems with the adoption. They researched his background, and plan to teach him as much as possible about both his countries of heritage when he is old enough to understand.

Also, a young man who volunteers here in the office is Korean, and was adopted by two white parents. He says he has never been made to feel different from them, and they also have encouraged him to learn more about his birth country, and his culture. He eve told me he would like to visit Korea some time, just to see it.

[DesignerGal]

Thats great Marie. I plan on adopting from CHina when that time comes and I have already talked to my husband about learning Chinese (I just have to find out if its Cantonese or the other one) and giving her a Chinese middle name: Ming-Mei. I think its important to teach her about her culture as well.

[Felinessa]

That's a lovely name!!! Man, Chinese is going to be hard, but kudos to you for trying.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who reassured me that adopting an ethnically different child isn't as hard as those websites make it seem. I think too much research makes you paranoid :-5

[nvalleyvee]

I must say as a white woman who has only English as a language.......I suck as a teacher in this town.