Stress

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 10:40 pm

I could deal with my cancer but I am having a REALLY hard time dealing with BTs's heart attack. He is having a difficult time and I feel like an ass hole for not being totally supportive. I want to tell him to suck it up and get on with life after 2 weeks. That's just not right and I know it. I feel very guilty for the most innocent things - big SIGHS, I had a really hard time not coming to absolute tears today. ---So selfish - So selfish. Please help me......... I am such a selfish person.. thinking only of me......

theia · Post by **theia** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 11:17 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: I could deal with my cancer but I am having a REALLY hard time dealing with BTs's heart attack. He is having a difficult time and I feel like an ass hole for not being totally supportive. I want to tell him to suck it up and get on with life after 2 weeks. That's just not right and I know it. I feel very guilty for the most innocent things - big SIGHS, I had a really hard time not coming to absolute tears today. ---So selfish - So selfish. Please help me......... I am such a selfish person.. thinking only of me......

Of course you're not selfish, ny. It seems that you just want things to be as they were and that's so natural. I'm quite sure I would feel the same. Please don't be so hard on yourself. At times like these you must remember your own feelings too. There is nothing wrong with having a good cry. That will probably release some of the tension you're feeling. Maybe both you and BTS need "absolute tears?"

However it might seem to you at present, you are coping with this difficult time using the coping mechanisms that you know. Instead of beating yourself up, try telling yourself that you're doing well. Both of you are.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:33 am

If you were a selfish person, you wouldn't be so stressed. Not really sure what is going on there, but I am assuming since his heart attack, BTS is afraid to do things? Communicate. Talk to him about how he feels. Talk to the doctor. Fear is natural both for the person who had the heart attack, and for the ones who love the person. Everyone handles it differently. I remember after my husband spent 3 days in ICU, was sent home, nitro in hand, I was terrified to have sex. I was not going to be responsible for killing him. LOL BTS needs to realize that he is healthier now, than before the heart attack. Probably healthier than he was for quite some time leading up to it. Get an appointment with the doctor and you both go. Talk to him/her about his fears, your fears, etc. Things will get easier with time.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:40 am

NV, you are the sweetest lady, do not stress about this. Yes, BTS needs his extra bit of love and care, but since you are out working again your time is limited. Get BTS to do the things approved by his doctor, and if he is supposed to be up so much every day, encourage him to do it. Now, baby him a little, and say it in a nice voice, but if he's supposed to be up tell him to get up. You also have your own health to take care of, and must maintain that during this trying time.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:57 am

When I had a husband I used to wonder how I would react if he got ill, I was sure I would have no patience at all for him and would feel resentment towards him. You are probably having the same reaction that many of us would have and shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Just as Chonsigirl suggests, encourage him to do what the Dr suggests, but also be aware he may be afraid that he is going to have another heart attack and want to go real slow untill he is more confident. Give him some time it's only been two weeks right?

hang in there.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:58 am

Is there a tough-guy type of man in the neighborhood who's had a heart attack? Maybe that's the type of person he needs to meet. He strikes me as the tough-guy type, which means accepting help from those he normally takes care of is really difficult. Strength respects strength. Am I making sense?

Actually, you both should talk to such a guy.

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 6:13 am

Don't be hard on yourself NVV. It's a very stressful situation. You're not being selfish - you're trying to juggle a million things and do everything that the two of your normally do. It's only natural that you want things to be back to normal.

I often feel very selfish whenever my husband is sick - not that he's ever been REALLY sick or anything. But I have a low tolerance for people who won't help themselves. Can't stand people who complain, but don't do anything about it. Whereas I more suck it up, suffer in my own misery, but get in and do something about it.

Anyhoo, what this means is that when he is sick, I expect him to deal with things as I typically do - soldier on, keep fighting, do as much as I can within the bounds of what I'm physically capable of at the time (stretch the limits!!). But he's just not that kinda person. He needs time to rest. He prefers to rest and wait until he's feeling much better rather than pushing himself. As a 'doer', I find that incredibly frustrating. But healthwise, it's not such a bad thing. Probably means he's better rested and less likely to get sick again soon.

Like anything, we all have different ways of dealing with things. You just need to be patient and shower him with love. Seeing you going about life happily will make him want to join you more than anything.

Keep your chin up!

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 1:22 pm

Peg wrote: If you were a selfish person, you wouldn't be so stressed. Not really sure what is going on there, but I am assuming since his heart attack, BTS is afraid to do things? Communicate. Talk to him about how he feels. Talk to the doctor. Fear is natural both for the person who had the heart attack, and for the ones who love the person. Everyone handles it differently. I remember after my husband spent 3 days in ICU, was sent home, nitro in hand, I was terrified to have sex. I was not going to be responsible for killing him. LOL BTS needs to realize that he is healthier now, than before the heart attack. Probably healthier than he was for quite some time leading up to it. Get an appointment with the doctor and you both go. Talk to him/her about his fears, your fears, etc. Things will get easier with time.

Aww Peg--you always say the right thing! You give some very kind advice! And wise too. I agree and hope valley's feeling better real soon!!

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 8:50 pm

It's always harder to deal with when it's a loved one because then you have absolutely no sense of control over the situation. That in itself is stressful. And it's really easy to worry that the person isn't going to follow the doctor's advice, that they're not following the diet or taking their pills or something. It's not going to get better until you can see how well he's doing on his own. So relax, you're going through what every loved one goes through and that's OK. The reason you want to tell him to "suck it up" is because you want things to get back to normal, and that's going to happen. I think when you see how well BTS is doing and you can see that he's well enough to take charge you won't be as stressed out about the situation. The Boyfriend and I each went through this with the other's illness and it takes a few weeks of normalcy (following your daily routine like you always did) for things to settle down.