Child Molestation

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:01 pm

I was 14 when I found out my stepsister was being molested by my dad. I love her and I love him. He says he is rehabilitated (its been 12 years now) but she hates him (duh). Am I an evil person for sticking with him and hoping he will change? I love my stepsister and told her that I hate him for what he did. But he is my dad. Am I just trying to believe he is a "real" dad and make a fantasy of him being "normal"? Deep down me and my other 2 "full" sisters know he is NOT rehabilitated, but we want a normal father even though he is a nasty molester. Are we awful for keeping in contact with him? I am torn. My REAL father is Eric Camden from 7th Heaven. I know this is fantasy but how else can I react? Is thereanyone else out there in this situation? I am very desperate!

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:10 pm

I was molested from 8 years to 13 years of age. Love has very little to do with family pedophiles. It is all about power and control. I know you love your father and cannot give up that feeling. If he is guilty of a crime - he is guilty. You can still love him as your father but I would say keep your children away from him. Make sure you are ALWAYS there. This is if you still want a relationship with him.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:11 pm

PS - don't ever be ashamed....it was not your fault

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 9:04 pm

I love him as my father. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for giving him the time of day. I feel like I should say "you are a piece of crap!". How could he do that to an innocent little girl (my stepsister)? Maybe I just want a normal life. Maybe I just want to pretend that everything is "normal". Who am I kidding? That is exactly what I want. I told my husband about "our family's past" one year before we got married. My family says "why would you want someone to know about that?" and "how could you tell him?". Well I saw it as: If I never tell him and we have kids and five to ten years down the line he finds out (my dad the offender lives in a VERY SMALL town) that my dad did this he will A) think when were my kids ever with him alone? B) How could my WIFE not tell me this? C) I am going to leave my wife because she kept this from me when she knew we had children around this man. OK, just to put everyone's mind at ease: I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE WITH MY DAD! That makes me sad because who should ever say that to people?!!?? You CANT leave your own children alone with your father????!!! I feel like a piece of crap for ever talking to him again but he swears he is rehabilitated. What should I do? Anyone ever been in this situation before?

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 9:17 pm

AD - you are speaking from my heart and from where I grew up. I am more than willing to talk to you. Nothing will ever be normal for this kind of abuser....... Please take care - you have my absolute freindship and support on this

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 4:02 am

AshamedDaughter wrote: I love him as my father. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for giving him the time of day. I feel like I should say "you are a piece of crap!". How could he do that to an innocent little girl (my stepsister)? Maybe I just want a normal life. Maybe I just want to pretend that everything is "normal". Who am I kidding? That is exactly what I want. I told my husband about "our family's past" one year before we got married. My family says "why would you want someone to know about that?" and "how could you tell him?". Well I saw it as: If I never tell him and we have kids and five to ten years down the line he finds out (my dad the offender lives in a VERY SMALL town) that my dad did this he will A) think when were my kids ever with him alone? B) How could my WIFE not tell me this? C) I am going to leave my wife because she kept this from me when she knew we had children around this man. OK, just to put everyone's mind at ease: I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE WITH MY DAD! That makes me sad because who should ever say that to people?!!?? You CANT leave your own children alone with your father????!!! I feel like a piece of crap for ever talking to him again but he swears he is rehabilitated. What should I do? Anyone ever been in this situation before?
Fantasy time is over. You are an adult, married. God willing, you will have children. Normal Grandpa doesn't exist. Whether you announe it or not, he is a piece of crap. Reality sucks. I believe it would do you truckloads of good if you will say aloud "My father is a pedophile." Write it first, if you must; that is very powerful as well, but say it. Look at your father and see him adult-to-adult rather than daughter-to-daddy. It's painful, but necessary for your own development and growth.

I believe it was extremely wise and fair to tell your fiance about your dad.

I assume it has been at least 4 years since you found out your father is a pedophile, yet you "feel like a piece of crap for ever talking to him again." This kind of inner turmoil is destructive, even deadly if you don't take care of it. I implore you to get some kind of therapy. The pedophile's molestation of your step-sister has damaged you horribly. Your dad has damaged you!

Lastly, you have named yourself AshamedDaughter. If you are already a member under a different name, I applaud your wisdom of the second log-in. If not, I would like to see you register again with a name marking a more positive aspect of your life. Who wants to go through life being known as Ashamed?

I've done my best to keep my emotions out of this. Know that you are not alone in your situation, AD. If you need help in your transition from daughter to adult, I'll be happy to help.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 4:14 am

If the molester was an Uncle, for example, would you still love him?

Have you sought counselling?

I can understand unconditional love. It just frightens me to know he is still out there. It's frightening the way your family wants to keep it a secret. As bad as this knowledge is for you, it's worse for your step sister. She lived it.

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:08 am

I think I should get a couple of things straight here. I think I might have mislead PEG. When my stepsister told me what was happening, I got her the hell out of there. We hitched a ride with some of my older friends (I was 14 at the time) to my mother's house and told her. She called my stepmother, who promptly called the police. Then she divorced my dad and moved on. Well, we all keep in touch because there is another sister, my half sister, who is a half sister to my stepsister. So. It isnt a secret in the family. And we dont torture my stepsister by making her live with him. Its not like that at all. My father got a light sentence, probation, counseling, etc. It isnt a secret and never will be. But I cant go up to people and say "Hi. My name is Rachel and my father is a pervert child molester". I dont want anyone to know I am related to a sick freak pervert.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:10 am

do you consider it likely that he would target victims outside his family circle? they usually escalate their behavior.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:15 am

AshamedDaughter wrote: I think I should get a couple of things straight here. I think I might have mislead PEG. When my stepsister told me what was happening, I got her the hell out of there. We hitched a ride with some of my older friends (I was 14 at the time) to my mother's house and told her. She called my stepmother, who promptly called the police. Then she divorced my dad and moved on. Well, we all keep in touch because there is another sister, my half sister, who is a half sister to my stepsister. So. It isnt a secret in the family. And we dont torture my stepsister by making her live with him. Its not like that at all. My father got a light sentence, probation, counseling, etc. It isnt a secret and never will be. But I cant go up to people and say "Hi. My name is Rachel and my father is a pervert child molester". I dont want anyone to know I am related to a sick freak pervert.
Yay for you & your family's actions. Completely understandable for the last portion. So you're feeling guilty for keeping in touch? You continue loving the alcoholic uncle; you just don't let him near the liquor cabinet. Likewise, you can love the pedophile family member; just don't let him near the children. IMO

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:17 am

I not sure. I dont think so. He is not allowed around children. He doesnt have kids in his neiborhood, he doesnt go anywhere with children, so the oppurtunity hasnt been there. But I am really not sure. I know my children will not be left alone with him, or anyone else I dont know. This has made me unbelievably insecure about my own (when I have them). I will be overprotective.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:44 am

Scrat wrote: I wonder how much of this would be solved if people actually put some effort into keeping families together.

Some of the raw scientific fact of this is that your stepsister was not his daughter, was not his bloodline. Therefore the instinctive prohibitions in him to not do this thing was not present.

Toss in the control aspect and the not too bright aspect in a shake and bake family and this is mostly what you get. I think that a lot of adults in this picture are guilty of many failures. Not you or your siblings AD.
I might be with you on other types of abuse, but not pedophilia. His step-daughter was simply very, very convenient. No one Knows if there were others, or if he might have molested his bio-daughters had the divorce not occurred. I know you've got your flame insurance up-to-date. Get ready to use it.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 8:36 am

flopstock wrote:

And the only adults I see deserving of guilt in ADs case is her father and our justice system.
:yh_clap :yh_clap

Unfortunately, the father probably feels zero guilt. Sick f**ks like that rarely do. They can justify it in their feeble, warped little minds.

Rachel, my mother's dad molested all three of his daughters and physically abused his wife and his son. This living breathing maggot has done vile, unspeakable things all his life. When I got pregnant at 17, he went around proclaiming loudly how he wouldn't have "a bastard for a grandson." Over the years, I'd pieced together what he'd done by over hearing conversations between my mom and her sisters, even though they never told me. I had to figure it out for myself. But when I did, let me tell you...the proverbial sh!t really hit the fan. My dad was insensed. He couldn't understand how, knowing what she knew, my mother had allowed my sister and I to spend time alone with him. To this day, she tries to push the two of us together at the rare family functions we both attend. I don't let my son near him and when people ask about grandparents, my mother's parents are dead to me. I refer to him as "Larry" not grandpa. He is not my family.

I talked to my uncle about him and my uncle is 100% supportive of me, my son and my attitude about him. My uncle confronted Larry for me about his comment about having a bastard for a grandson, and made it clear that he had no such thing, because I am not his grand daughter.

To this day, being in the same vicinity as him makes my skin crawl. My son is 16 now, and I told him the whole sordid story about Larry. I refuse to live with lies, which, to be brutal and frank, is just what you are doing. My son deserves better than that, as do all of you.

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:23 pm

I always think (and my other sisters, too) that when he dies there will be some sort of relief. In his mind he made a mistake. A mistake like waking up and wearing 2 different shoes to school. When you get home you are embarrassed and you can correct it and its over. This will never be "over". I love my sisters very much and am closer to them than alot of people. Its been 12 years since this all happened and my stepsister told me she still loves me and doesnt blame me. I just feel like I am a constant reminder of him. My half sister is in an extremely worse boat. When she gets married, who does she invite? Daddy or her sister? Of course the obvious choice to people who didnt live this is invite sis, but when everyone asks "Why didnt your father walk you down the aisle or even come to your wedding?" She doesnt have to say "because he is molester". But what could be said? I dont want anyone to know about my dad. On the outside I want people to see me as a nice southern belle with a nice family. Because IT ISNT MY FAULT AND I SHOULDNT HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT MY DAD BECUASE IM EMBARRASSED, it has nothing to do with protecting him or making him look good. I could care less about that because he didnt care how what he chose to do made us feel. But I am ashamed and always will be...on the INSIDE.

capt_buzzard · Post by **capt_buzzard** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:28 pm

All Child abusers shot be taken out and Shot

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:31 pm

Neither you, or your sister should feel the need to explain to anyone the reasons behind who's invited to the wedding, who walks whom down the aisle, or any other damn thing. If someone asks why your father didn't walk her down the aisle, look at them coolly and say, "The procession was exactly how she wanted it." It gives them no where to go with it, and gets across the point that they're intruding.

I understand your embarrassment about him. When I had to explain to my fiance why my mother's parents weren't on the invite list, I was ashamed all over again. I just hope your shame is for him, and not for yourself.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 2:07 pm

AshamedDaughter wrote: I always think (and my other sisters, too) that when he dies there will be some sort of relief. In his mind he made a mistake. A mistake like waking up and wearing 2 different shoes to school. When you get home you are embarrassed and you can correct it and its over. This will never be "over". I love my sisters very much and am closer to them than alot of people. Its been 12 years since this all happened and my stepsister told me she still loves me and doesnt blame me. I just feel like I am a constant reminder of him. My half sister is in an extremely worse boat. When she gets married, who does she invite? Daddy or her sister? Of course the obvious choice to people who didnt live this is invite sis, but when everyone asks "Why didnt your father walk you down the aisle or even come to your wedding?" She doesnt have to say "because he is molester". But what could be said? I dont want anyone to know about my dad. On the outside I want people to see me as a nice southern belle with a nice family. Because IT ISNT MY FAULT AND I SHOULDNT HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT MY DAD BECUASE IM EMBARRASSED, it has nothing to do with protecting him or making him look good. I could care less about that because he didnt care how what he chose to do made us feel. But I am ashamed and always will be...on the INSIDE.
Perfectly understandable. I'm sure you read this and see it doesn't make sense, logically, but logic has nothing to do with it. I'm angry at him for putting you in this situation! It's wrong, it's unfair, and the worst part is, he doesn't even get it! he doesn't deserve your time. He certainly doesn't deserve your tears!

I agree with BR. Anyone asks, I recommend not even addressing the question, but respond with something like "Isn't she a beautiful bride? I'm so glad the weather turned out," or some such. If they're so thick that they try to persue it, they're definitely too thick to understand.

Please get some therapy. He's damaged you. You would be amazed how much. Please get therapy.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 3:09 pm

I just hope your shame is for him, and not for yourself.

*Applauds* Great point BR.

You are not responsible for his actions. I would think no less of you if, in real life, you had told me this story. You are indeed a beautiful belle.

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 5:02 pm

You guys are so awesome. I have been wanting to join a support group or therapy for some time now. THerapy is expensive and I live in a small town now. My husband is a "prominent businessman" and I would'nt want people to associate him with this. So I do not want to "air my dirty laundry" in this town anywhere. My husband comes from a very loving family and his father has embraced me as his own daughter which is HUGE to me. I love my husband because he is supportive and kind, and handsome, but most important, he is going to be the best father to our children. But my pain is constant with my dad. I am not sure it will ever go away. SOme days I think, "God has really handed me a plateful of crap," but then I start thinking, "you know, I dont have it so bad. I wasnt molested, thank goodness, and I have a wonderful mother who showed me unconditional love. I am not going hungry, I have clothes to wear, and a nice, comfortable house with a great man and wonderful friends. My stepsister still loves me and I know I did the right thing. I could never imagine making a different chioce. How could I force her to continue being in the same house with the monster? It happened for a long time and the only regret I have about that is that I didnt find out alot sooner. I could never not believe her. How could anyone not believe a child when they are telling you this kind of thing? Anyway, I have rambled too long but my point is I am finding great therapy in this online discussion, and wonderful support from total strangers. So, thanks again, everyone. I am not done hurting or talking about it. I just hope I dont **** you off with this "poor me" stuff.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 5:09 pm

If I can be blunt again? First off, while this place can be therapeutic, and there's lots of great insight and advice to be found, it can't replace real therapy. Some of the people in here have helped me through some of the crappiest days I've had. But for something like this, I gotta go with other's suggestion and urge you to get "real" therapy. BUT! Stick around here, involve yourself with other conversations, have some fun, too! There's friends to be made here.

By the way, I won't be calling you by your screen name, I'm going to call you Rachel. :-6

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 5:52 pm

1st & foremost your reactions are competely within the scope of normalcy.

Honey who knows how to handle a situation like this ? This is beyond comprehension for most of us. Your devastated, struggling, you feel guilty, your family has been torn apart, yet your father is still your father isnt he ?

Thats a bond not easily broken without a whole slew of crummy emotions and head trips to go along with it. Forgive yourself for your feelings, your not evil or wrong, it simply shows that your in need of your father, of his love. You Im sure want to believe him but it must be an uphill road without much to hang onto.

You must, absolutely must take care of yourself here, take care of your heart, take care of your spirit, the love that lives in you is precious and do whatever it takes to nurture those things about you that make you you.

Although many beforte you have had to travel this road this is a situation unique to only you & your family since your the one walking on this path, so please listen to your own heart, follow it and you really cant go wrong.

My heart goes out to you, I have tears welled in my eyes for you now, for the pain you are enduring, the type of pain no one should ever know, least a child.

Tonight my prayers are for you.

Brian

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 5:53 pm

BabyRider wrote: If I can be blunt again? First off, while this place can be therapeutic, and there's lots of great insight and advice to be found, it can't replace real therapy. Some of the people in here have helped me through some of the crappiest days I've had. But for something like this, I gotta go with other's suggestion and urge you to get "real" therapy. BUT! Stick around here, involve yourself with other conversations, have some fun, too! There's friends to be made here.

By the way, I won't be calling you by your screen name, I'm going to call you Rachel. :-6

Yes ! Rachel :-6

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:01 pm

You haven't really experienced 'poor me' until you've met NOMAD..:sneaky:

We say 'poor us' constantly in here...anymore

If I didnt love you Id right this minute tell you what a horrible monster you are ! :p

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:13 pm

Something for you to take with you tonight

We find it a joy to be of a help, our presence felt, our wings touching gently but perceived, it is a joy to know that our message is received. Be aware of every nuance, every urge and you cannot go wrong. Guidance comes in many forms, some so slight as to go unnoticed, but be assured every urge has a purpose, every emotion a source and reason. Our loves goes with each of you who ask, who seek. Spread the good news and cheer. Everyone needs to know they too can listen and hear - open their hearts to learn and guidance will come. Our world is yours, we are never far, never remote. We feel the call, the urge to be with those who needs us. Our part is a small part in the overall picture. Be assured, you are blessed from God alone. He alone gives his blessings, we are but messengers in the huge realm of love and God's caring universe. We spread our wings to touch those who seek, our wings of gold spread over all the earth loving and spreading our love thoughts. Sometimes absorption is not easy, but we never fail to try. Open your senses, open your eyes, ears and hearts and you will receive God's blessings through his messenger angels. Health comes from within, remember that, you are what you eat and think. Speaking kind soft words makes the body sensitive to good health. Speak harshly and dis-ease sets into the body and soul. It is only reasonable to expect what you give. Continue to give love and kindness even though you may find it unrewarding and difficult. Rest assured it will do good somewhere, sometime. Like the farmer in the field spreading his seeds, some are caught by the wind and sown elsewhere. Nothing is ever lost!

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Tue Aug 30, 2005 3:51 am

Hi rachel - can i ask you if you believe your father got the punishment he deserved. maybe ive got it wrong but it sounds like he got off quite leniently maybe if hed got a harsher sentance it would feel like hed paid for what he had done to your step - sister. does he have access to the net because there are many ways for pedophiles to do what they do .i hope your ok and wish you well -you are stronger than you realise .sarah janex

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 7:05 am

Yes. It was lenient. I talked to my step sister a while back and we discussed her feelings and the details of this event. I, nor my other biolgical sisters, were ever told. She said the only reason she didnt send him to jail was because she didnt want us to ever have to say "my dad is in jail" if we were asked about him. She is a wonderful person. I feel guilty for that too. He hurt her. He told her he would kill her family if she ever told. How awful. I will never look at him the same. But why should she sacrifice our feelings because something so terrible happened to her. HE does have access to the internet and my sisters and I think he is not rehabilitated sometimes because we find porn on it. Or we will walk in and catch him looking at something questionable. I want to shake him sometimes and just ask him, "Why?!? Cant you control yourself? If you cant, why cant you swallow your pride and GET HELP!?!" Does he not see how much me, my two bio sisters, and my stepsister have all hurt from this? I mean especially my step sister. She said the more she talks about it, the better she feels. BUt there are lasting effects. She married one of my friends and I just told him I was so sorry that my dad screwed her up becuase I am sure their intimacy as husband and wife suffers. She says she hates him and wish he were dead. I understand that completely. I just keep saying over and over, why us? Its hard to turn my back on him, I want to scream at him and say ugly things and hurt his feelings but I am affraid he would commit suicide and then I would feel even more guilty for the rest of my life. If you dont get it by now he is VERY MANIPULATIVE, as they all are Im sure. I recently found out my grandad on my mom's side molested my cousin once. That opens up a whole new can. Am I at risk for developing some cell in the brain that would make me want to hurt innocent children?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 7:19 am

People tend to act as adults like the adults that raised them. The best way to break the chain is to find adults that behave as you would like to. Stop the excuses and get to therapy.

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Tue Aug 30, 2005 7:22 am

Rachel no way - you are a good person your father is a b****** you should never feel guilt for what that animal did - HE DID. you love your father that is natural and you did all you could - if you still believe he is a danger please talk to some body. pedophiles are rarely cured .

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 7:49 am

They are divorced. I am grown and living with my husband. All of us children have grown up and moved away. We stuck around because we thought he would get help, which he did, but only to the extent that the law "made him". There are no threats of death. I just feel if I curse him out for what he did, he would commit suicide or something. That would be my fault. I would have caused him to pull the trigger. The whole reason I posted here was because I do have regular contact with him, and feel ashamed of it. I feel guilty becuase I still talk to him even while I still have a seperate and wonderful and healthy relationship with my stepsister. I wanted to help him. I am not making excuses for anything. Im venting on a website about what I feel. I feel obligated to help him because he is my dad and I love my stepsister, its horrible what happened. I will never forgive him for what he did. I dont know why I still talk to him? Its hard to say what you would do in any given situation unless you are actually dealt those cards. I knew 2 girls who were dead set against abortion. They preached and preached about how they would never "commit murder". Well guess what? They got pregnant and had an abortion! Im just trying to deal with these emotions as they come at me 12-15 years later. Its easy to say: your dad molested someone, turn your back on him. Its a lot harder to actually do it. Thats why I am torn up inside.

AshamedDaughter · Post by **AshamedDaughter** » Tue Aug 30, 2005 7:53 am

And let me add.......I have a wonderful mother who showed me the correct way to love people and be sympathetic. She taught me how to have correct relationships. I also have an uncle who is the best man in the world, as well as a father in law. So I wasn't raised by my dad. He divorced my mom when I was 5. I was there on weekends only. I was simply asking if it were genetic.