Australian Jokes,Poetry.My Choice

A forum to discuss local issues in Australia.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Three Men on a Hike



Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed : 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'



Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed : 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'



Poof! .... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'



Poof! .... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Yes, I'll Marry You

Pam Ayres

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,

And here's the reason why;

So I can push you out of bed

When the baby starts to cry,

And if we hear a knocking

And it's creepy and it's late,

I hand you the torch you see,

And you investigate.

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,

You may not apprehend it,

But when the tumble-drier goes

It's you that has to mend it,

You have to face the neighbour

Should our labrador attack him,

And if a drunkard fondles me

It's you that has to whack him.

Yes, I'll marry you,

You're virile and you're lean,

My house is like a pigsty

You can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

Which you served by candlelight,

As I do chipolatas,

You can cook it every night!

It's you who has to work the drill

and put up curtain track,

And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,

I do see great advantages,

But none of them for you,

And so before you see the light,

I do, I do, I do!
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Grandparents Meet A Need



Grandparents meet a need

That no one else can fill;

They’re always kind and gentle;

They love you and always will.



They have plenty of time to listen,

To encourage and to care;

When others are too busy,

Grandparents are always there.



They have delicious foods;

There’s always something cooking;

They feed you scrumptious tidbits,

When no one else is looking.



They take you special places;

They’re never in a hurry.

They soothe you when you’re troubled,

And help you not to worry.



They buy you things you want,

Even things that you don’t need;

"Do what makes them happy!"

Is every grandparent’s creed.



They focus on your good points,

And overlook each flaw;

How could we do without

Our grandma and grandpa?



Thank you, Grandpa and Grandma,

For giving life a special shine;

I’m glad to have grandparents,

And happy you both are mine!



By Joanna Fuchs Not Australian /but a lovely poem.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

The Greatest Pain In Life

The greatest pain in life

is not to die,

but to be ignored.

To lose the person you love so much

to another who doesn't care at all.

To have someone you care so about so much throw a party...

and not tell you about it.

When your favorite person on earth

neglects to invite you to his graduation.

To have people think that you don't care.

The greatest pain in life,

is not to die,

but to be forgotten.

To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.

To never get a call from a friend,

just saying "hi".

When you show someone your innermost thoughts

and they laugh in your face.

For friends to always be

too busy to console you

when you need someone to lift your spirits.

When it seems like the only person who cares about you,

is you.

Life is full of pain,

but does it ever get better?

Will people ever care about each other,

and make time for those who are in need?

Each of us has a part to play

in this great show we call life.

Each of us has a duty to mankind

to tell our friends we love them.

If you do not care about your friends

you will not be punished.

You will simply be ignored...

forgotten...

as you have done to others.

This poem was written by a young girl who committed suicide some years ago. Perhaps if the people surrounding her had shown a little more love, and had paid more attention to her, her death could have been prevented. Remember that when going through life, you can't judge a sad, lonely, or suicidal person by their facial expression. You need to get to know each person you come in contact with, cherish your friendship with them, and show them that you care.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
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abbey
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Post by abbey »

:wah:
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff.

One of the nurses sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat.

On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighboring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of is window.

“I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.

It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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abbey
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Post by abbey »

:wah: You dont get anywhere if ya dont try.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

abbey;966345 wrote: :wah: You dont get anywhere if ya dont try.


I'm hearing you.

:wah:
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go

before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must

decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some

particular reason



Why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most

perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the

angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,shakes it up, and

gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two

of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a

commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush

beats a pair - no matter how big they are!'
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser.

The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer.

When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone.

The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast."

The guy explains, :You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"
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Post by mrsK »

A couple of Queenslanders are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy grabs his cell phone and calls 911.

He shouts at the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help.

First, lets make sure he's dead."



There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....



The Queenslander says, "OK, now what?"
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Post by mrsK »

A guy walks in to the Barbershop.

Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."

Guy says, "That’s how you cut it last time";)
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

1 Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"

"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she

gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab":yh_rotfl
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?

POM - 1 week.

C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?

POM - Business.

C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?

POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.

He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored.

One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.

"Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area"

"Sounds great" says the ad-man.

"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."

"Sounds awesome" says the ad-man

"we tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"

"I go alright" say the ad-man

"this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"

"Doesn't really mattter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

No there are no typos in this ...........it's just their accent.





Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........



MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....

Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

Jokes about the differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Candadians

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.



Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.



Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.

Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.

Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.

Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.



Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting ****.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.



Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.



Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Americans: Think that these people are American!



Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.



Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.



Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.



Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.

Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.

Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.

Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

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