Ever Treat Someone Cruelly -- And Try to Right the Wrong YEARS LATER?

Cascadian · Post by **Cascadian** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 1:20 pm

Well, this is kind of a heavy subject for my first posted thread, but I'm in a quandary and need advice. :-3

If you're a basically nice person who generally lives by the Golden Rule but nevertheless at one point treated someone in your life very cruelly, did you try to right the wrong YEARS LATER?

Like, 40 years later?

Do you figure it's best to let sleeping dogs lie and don't bring up the past, even if you would like to apologize and make amends?

Or do you figure "better late than never" and do the right thing anyway?

I was engaged to an Alaskan guy in my mid-20s who was never going to leave the state. We were totally wrong for each other and not only should never have met and fallen in love but also never should have planned a life together. I was from Oregon and loathed the below-zero winter I spent living with him in an off-grid cabin in the middle of nowhere north of Fairbanks.

We went to visit my parents in the spring. Once back in the civilized environment of my family home, I acted out my conflicted and tortured feelings by wrenching off my engagement ring and throwing it in his face, castigating him for being a Neanderthal who would condemn me to a primitive life in the bush away from friends, doctors, hospitals, shopping, etc.

I handled the situation very badly. I was very cruel in my verbal tongue-lashing and made him cry -- a big, rugged outdoorsy guy like him.

He went back to Alaska and sent me dozens of letters I didn't read but consigned immediately to the burn barrel. Life went on and I met and married my husband, with whom I've been mostly very happy for 34 years in a regular middle-class lifestyle with actual running water and electricity.

I shoved my guilty conscience into the back of my mind and truly did not give what I did more than a passing thought in all those years. Now I have stumbled on contact information for my former fiance, who went on to find his true love and have a family and who recently became a widower when his wife died of cancer.

If I contact him with my apology and condolences on his loss, he could still be raw about it after so many years and tell me to FOAD -- which I would deserve but, hell, at least I tried to do the right thing.

What would you do?

Please don't tell me:

1. I was a terrible person. I know that. I was young and stupid and immature.

2. I'm really mourning my lost youth and don't really give a damn about making amends. That's not true. My conscience bothers me.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 1:25 pm

I'd leave well alone.

Many years have passed. It's good you still think about It as It shows you are a good person but think about him here.

He's probably married with children and grand children who would wonder who the hell you are turning up after all these years. It could cause problems In the marraige. You don't have the right to do that.

Just because he's widowed doesn't mean him or his family would welcome the Interference.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 2:32 pm

What a complex character you are turning out to be ?

The question I would ask myself, who would benefit with contact after so long ?

If it is a selfish 'need to know'............ forget it.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 3:02 pm

I had something similar recently.

I am not and never have been the jealous possessive type. I just can't be arssed frankly. My husband has female friends and In my circles, It's a predominantly male enviroment.

Anyway, a few weeks back, totally out of the blue, my husband gets a message from a girl he went out with 30 years ago through facebook. My husband was really angry and didn't reply. A week went by and he got another message from her telling him that If there was a problem, he could reply through her sisters facebook account.

I think my husband over-reacted somewhat but I see his point.... what If, he wasn't married to someone who didn't bat an eyelid but someone who went Into a jealous fit? The thing that made him so angry was her lack of thought for what consequences It made have had on his family.

Can I ask?....... Are you more hoping you can re-kindle the flame now since you learned he's widowed?

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:03 pm

I don't see anything wrong with contacting him. He'll either appreciate hearing from you or he won't but will take the opportunity to tell you what he thinks of you. You'll be making long overdue amends and you two might actually end up friends again.

Cascadian · Post by **Cascadian** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:19 pm

God, no, I'm not hoping to rekindle even a FRIENDSHIP -- I truly am proposing this dilemma as a MORAL one because I'm the guilty party and never did anything about it. There's no "need to know" anything at all about his life, and I don't want to. Unlike everyone else on this site, I do not do social media of any kind and wouldn't have a clue what's out there on Facebook and Twitter and LinkedIn or whatever about this man.

I have remained in contact with two people I met in Alaska and we exchange emails only. It was through one of these that I discovered his wife had recently died. It was that catalyst alone that reawakened my guilty conscience, and thus led me to asking for advice.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:22 pm

If you have his address, you could start by simply sending a condolence card and keep It simple. Put your contact details Inside and leave the rest up to him... Don't push It or force the Issue In his time of loss.

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:24 pm

You are trying to assuage your own conscience, I think. The punishment for your wrongdoing all those years ago is that you live with the guilt, acknowlege it to yourself--which you've done--and forget it. I think you are doing this for you, as I said, & he is still 2nd for you. You grew up & you behave better. You were holding in your feelings & you burst. However badly you behaved you did what was right for you both.

What does your husband think of you contacting your ex?

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:50 pm

To me, the timing is wrong.

As he's recently widowed, whatever your intentions, it would look wrong.

It's kept for forty years, it can keep for another one or two - then decide.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 5:28 pm

I'm with Bryn, if you are going to do it, it would be completely the wrong time for him.

Way back, I hurt someone, for years mutual friends would remind me that I'd broken his heart blah blah blah (thanks friends!). A few years ago I went through a stage of wondering if I should say sorry to him. Now, I'm glad I didn't make the contact. I think it's more about forgiving yourself and coming to terms with what you were capable of.

I've also been on the receiving end of someone coming back to say sorry and trying to give gifts to make up for the way he treated me. He kept going on about karma and how he was getting back the bad treatment he'd dished out to me. The whole time he sat on my sofa I just sat there thinking what the hell do you want from me. Turns out he wanted me to forgive him, as I told him, I'd forgiven him years ago otherwise I wouldn't have been able to move on. I suggested that maybe he needed to forgive himself. Trouble is, it still hurt, and he knew it still hurt, no matter how much you make sure that other person can't see it, deep down inside it's like opening old wounds, and for what?

So, from my point of view I don't see the point of raking up the past, it tends to hurt someone somewhere. Is it really worth it?

koan · Post by **koan** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 10:05 pm

If you write to him, you should only do so with the assumption that he resents you, has the right to do so, and you're only contacting him because you think of him fondly from time to time, wishing him well. Apologize that you said hurtful things, let him know that you thought he was a wonderful person and were cruel only because you felt that your destiny was different. Offer him condolences for his recent loss and your best wishes for finding love in the future-- with no intimations that you are that love.

Then, after you craft the letter, read it again as if you were him. If it sounds like you're hitting on him, don't send it.If it sounds like you are a person who knew him well enough to care about his well being then you both might gain from the letter. Final test: If you expect to get a response from him, don't send it.

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:05 am

Offer him condolences for his recent loss and your best wishes for finding love in the future
His wife just died! Is wishing him future love really the best wish right now?

Cascadian · Post by **Cascadian** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:50 am

Yes, I neglected to mention that my husband is understanding and supportive about this situation because he can RELATE. When he shipped out to Vietnam in 1969, he was newly married to his high-school sweetheart. She got bored waiting at home alone while he was fighting for his country in the jungles over there and started an affair with a neighbor. They cleaned out the joint accounts, sold all the household goods, and moved to another state. Needless to say, my husband got an uncontested divorce upon his safe return -- and he hasn't seen or heard from her since.

So I asked him what HE would do if his ex contacted him out of the blue (like I was considering doing to my ex-fiance) and tried to make amends for her actions. He just shrugged and said she actually did him a favor since he met and married me instead, and that it was all so long ago it really didn't matter anymore.

I've been impressed and gratified with the feedback you all have given me and, coupled with my husband's comments, have made a decision. How selfish would it be on my part to seek absolution? Confession might be good for the soul but not at the expense of the privacy and peace of mind of the person I wronged. I'm staying back in the shadows where I should be with my guilty conscience because it's MY burden to bear -- not his to forgive.

I'd like to think what I did allowed him to have many happy years with his own true love before she died. Again, thanks for your comments!

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 11:22 pm

AnneBoleyn;1386957 wrote: His wife just died! Is wishing him future love really the best wish right now?

The point of my advice was not to give a sample verbatim letter suggestion, but to write a letter for her own therapy the contents of which she'd likely not figure out until the point of writing. The part about reading it before deciding to send it was the important bit. I'm a big fan of letter writing to get things off my chest. Then I either burn them to transform the energy or mail them with no stamp or address to get it away from me.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 4:24 am

AnneBoleyn;1386917 wrote: You are trying to assuage your own conscience, I think. The punishment for your wrongdoing all those years ago is that you live with the guilt, acknowlege it to yourself--which you've done--and forget it. I think you are doing this for you, as I said, & he is still 2nd for you. You grew up & you behave better. You were holding in your feelings & you burst. However badly you behaved you did what was right for you both.

^ This ^

It's over and done. From what I can tell your motives don't include him at all. You just want to stop feeling badly. I recommend you suck it up and move on without reminding him of yet another loss he's suffered.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 6:42 am

Man, you guys are harsh. He might actually appreciate hearing from her in his time of loss. If nothing else, it would distract him with its randomness.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:08 am

SnoozeAgain;1387011 wrote: Man, you guys are harsh. He might actually appreciate hearing from her in his time of loss. If nothing else, it would distract him with its randomness.
Sure, if that's why she's contacting him.

Cascadian · Post by **Cascadian** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:12 am

Thank you for understanding, SnoozeAgain.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:39 am

Cascadian;1387019 wrote: Thank you for understanding, SnoozeAgain.

Oh okay. You're not looking for opinions. You're looking for support. I recommend you take the responsibility on your own shoulders. If it goes well you claim all the credit.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:50 am

That's what you got out of her thanking me, huh?

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:07 am

Do we know if he is happy or sad about his new found freedom. She might have been a mean old bat for all we know. Not everyone has the wonderful relationships we all have. he he

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 2:16 pm

SnoozeAgain;1387021 wrote: That's what you got out of her thanking me, huh?
Sorry, I'm a grump.

Blackslax · Post by **Blackslax** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:13 pm

Call him and tell him how you feel. Without question, it will make you both feel better. I know from first hand experience. I had a girlfriend that I loved when I was about 20, but I couldn't tell her my true feelings. Probably because I wasn't really the kind of person that expressed his feelings very well. She went away to school. I visited her and began to realize that maybe she was the one. She found someone else at school though and I lost out. The way it went down was very hurtful. She got married to him. He died. She moved across the country and remarried. Maybe 25 years later I had the opportunity to call her. I did. The first words out of her mouth were that she was sorry. I asked about her kids, asked if she was happy. She asked me the same kind of questions, said that we couldn't meet, I knew that and said so. It was kind of therapuedic for both of us. The apology created a bridge that allowed us to feel good again about the good times we had without paseverating about the single bad time.

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 11:39 pm

I think to contact him would be very wrong . By your own admission you left him alone hurting. H'es hurting now and you want to remind him again of past hurt as well. I think that would be a very selfish thing to do . Forgiveness is for those who do wrong it's not for the victim of the wrong doer.

hope this helps.

Cascadian · Post by **Cascadian** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 10:24 am

Ha, Fuzzy, how ironic that my decision to leave well enough alone mirrors your signature line: "It requires strength of character to act upon one's ideas; it requires no less strength of character to resist being seduced by them."

So I have gained wisdom and strength of character over the years, I hope.

Thanks for the additional opinions and suggestions. The highest moral principle that should guide our actions is not hurting anyone else, especially in my case where he's had decades to form psychic scar tissue over the wound I caused and has healed.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 12:33 pm

Do I understand right that you're not going to contact him?

That's very wise.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 12:39 pm

Give me his address, I'll contact him.

Cascadian · Post by **Cascadian** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 2:37 pm

SnoozeAgain;1387139 wrote: Give me his address, I'll contact him.

Ha, that would do it -- have all my new forum pals write to him and tell him how narrowly he dodged a bullet, lol.

Accountable, check my Post #13.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 2:54 pm

Hello Alaska Man,

You don't know me but I wanted to let you know that you're the topic of a thread on Forum Garden. It's an internet discussion group, check us out when you get internet access in Alaska. And electricity.

I heard you had a rough time with a crazy Oregon girl back in your hippie days. She says the sex was great but that the idea of having Sarah Palin as a future governor scared the hell out of her and she had to bail. She regrets being an ass but she said you were kind of a dimwit and felt it was the best way to get the point across.

Hey, it's been great talking to you. Take care.

SnoozeAgain

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 4:04 pm

Cascadian;1386964 wrote: Yes, I neglected to mention that my husband is understanding and supportive about this situation because he can RELATE. When he shipped out to Vietnam in 1969, he was newly married to his high-school sweetheart. She got bored waiting at home alone while he was fighting for his country in the jungles over there and started an affair with a neighbor. They cleaned out the joint accounts, sold all the household goods, and moved to another state. Needless to say, my husband got an uncontested divorce upon his safe return -- and he hasn't seen or heard from her since.

So I asked him what HE would do if his ex contacted him out of the blue (like I was considering doing to my ex-fiance) and tried to make amends for her actions. He just shrugged and said she actually did him a favor since he met and married me instead, and that it was all so long ago it really didn't matter anymore.

I've been impressed and gratified with the feedback you all have given me and, coupled with my husband's comments, have made a decision. How selfish would it be on my part to seek absolution? Confession might be good for the soul but not at the expense of the privacy and peace of mind of the person I wronged. I'm staying back in the shadows where I should be with my guilty conscience because it's MY burden to bear -- not his to forgive.

I'd like to think what I did allowed him to have many happy years with his own true love before she died. Again, thanks for your comments!

Respectometer

Cascadian · Post by **Cascadian** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 5:18 pm

SnoozeAgain;1387145 wrote: Hello Alaska Man,

You don't know me but I wanted to let you know that you're the topic of a thread on Forum Garden. It's an internet discussion group, check us out when you get internet access in Alaska. And electricity.

I heard you had a rough time with a crazy Oregon girl back in your hippie days. She says the sex was great but that the idea of having Sarah Palin as a future governor scared the hell out of her and she had to bail. She regrets being an ass but she said you were kind of a dimwit and felt it was the best way to get the point across.

Hey, it's been great talking to you. Take care.

SnoozeAgain

Still giggling at how close you nailed The Real Story -- thanks for making my day! He WAS a big, dumb ox of a guy with little imagination horizontally but great staying power during those long Alaskan nights, lol. I'm sure he's still off-grid up there because his General Delivery address now is even more remote than where we lived, and I'm surprised with his relatively high-risk occupation of hunting/fishing guide that a grizzly or a moose hasn't gotten him by now. That was him, always seeking the last frontier on The Last Frontier and, yes, Sarah would have been his kind of girl! (Shudder...)

Accountable, thank you -- I appreciate the feeling behind the graphic.