Just my opinion.
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Hmm...sounds like he wants a quick fling to brighten his working day. It also sounds like he's telling you he won't leave his wife for you. If you want to play pocket billiards with him then go ahead, just don't expect to have a job for long once things go sour.
Just my opinion.
Just my opinion.
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
He's staring at you, watching you when he thinks you're not looking and singing around the office. Yes, he fancies you.
He's told you how pretty you are and he's flattered you. Yes, he definitely fancies you.
He's told you he's happily married, even though everyone else has told you he's not. This means either he's bored or he doesn't want to lose his home comforts. Whichever.
I imagine he'll be happy to take whatever you decide to offer him but if you start to get the teeniest bit clingy he'll be able to happily sit back and tell you that he has already told you he is happily married and won't leave his wife for you. He's also telling you you're also not getting your hands on his money or his business.
Basically it's a win-win situation for him. He can screw his wife and have fun with you whenever he wants. He'll expect you to keep it hot for him whenever he wants it because you'll feel sorry for his 'poor home life situation' and because he hasn't got much time for extra plenary activities, so you'll have to be in the mood whenever he wants it, regardless of how you feel.
For you it's a lose-lose situation. You'll be at someone's beck-and-call for sex, but he won't be there when you need a hug, when you feel sad, when it's your birthday or Christmas. And when you start to get tired of always being at his beck-and-call and you give him an ultimatum, then he'll make life so unpleasant for you that you'll be forced to leave. You'll find yourself forced to leave your job and your friends (it's his business and he's not leaving), you'll have no money and you'll be too depressed to find another job.
Maybe that's me being negative, but from where I'm sitting this is how it seems.
You have recently left a husband you love because you cannot cope with him. It's not because you don't love him, it's because you can't cope with his illness. That's very understandable.
You have to understand you're in a very vulnerable position. It must have been very hard to leave your husband and I'm sure it took a lot of thought and tears on your part before you felt you had to leave for the sake of your own sanity.
You need someone to hug you, to help you through this time, to help you get back on your feet and to tell you that you're not the horrible person you probably think you are for going through this hellish time. I've seen a dear friend tear herself apart to try to find another way but sometimes there is no other way.
My advice to you would be to learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself, you've done nothing wrong. Go out with your friends for a drink, you need to relax and put some fun and laughter back in your life. Buy a vibrator - sex relieves a lot of tensions and you don't need the added complications of getting your feelings involved.
When you feel more relaxed and happy within yourself, then you can consider dating again and you will find someone who will want to be with you, not just want a quick shag.
Office romances may be fun for a while but they are such a cliche - mainly because 99.9% of them never work and the woman is always the one left hurting.
It's just my opinion and your choice what you would do, but try to imagine if one of your friends came to you with this exact same problem...what would your advice be to her?
Wishing you luck and here's a big hug for you. :yh_hugs
He's told you how pretty you are and he's flattered you. Yes, he definitely fancies you.
He's told you he's happily married, even though everyone else has told you he's not. This means either he's bored or he doesn't want to lose his home comforts. Whichever.
I imagine he'll be happy to take whatever you decide to offer him but if you start to get the teeniest bit clingy he'll be able to happily sit back and tell you that he has already told you he is happily married and won't leave his wife for you. He's also telling you you're also not getting your hands on his money or his business.
Basically it's a win-win situation for him. He can screw his wife and have fun with you whenever he wants. He'll expect you to keep it hot for him whenever he wants it because you'll feel sorry for his 'poor home life situation' and because he hasn't got much time for extra plenary activities, so you'll have to be in the mood whenever he wants it, regardless of how you feel.
For you it's a lose-lose situation. You'll be at someone's beck-and-call for sex, but he won't be there when you need a hug, when you feel sad, when it's your birthday or Christmas. And when you start to get tired of always being at his beck-and-call and you give him an ultimatum, then he'll make life so unpleasant for you that you'll be forced to leave. You'll find yourself forced to leave your job and your friends (it's his business and he's not leaving), you'll have no money and you'll be too depressed to find another job.
Maybe that's me being negative, but from where I'm sitting this is how it seems.
You have recently left a husband you love because you cannot cope with him. It's not because you don't love him, it's because you can't cope with his illness. That's very understandable.
You have to understand you're in a very vulnerable position. It must have been very hard to leave your husband and I'm sure it took a lot of thought and tears on your part before you felt you had to leave for the sake of your own sanity.
You need someone to hug you, to help you through this time, to help you get back on your feet and to tell you that you're not the horrible person you probably think you are for going through this hellish time. I've seen a dear friend tear herself apart to try to find another way but sometimes there is no other way.
My advice to you would be to learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself, you've done nothing wrong. Go out with your friends for a drink, you need to relax and put some fun and laughter back in your life. Buy a vibrator - sex relieves a lot of tensions and you don't need the added complications of getting your feelings involved.
When you feel more relaxed and happy within yourself, then you can consider dating again and you will find someone who will want to be with you, not just want a quick shag.
Office romances may be fun for a while but they are such a cliche - mainly because 99.9% of them never work and the woman is always the one left hurting.
It's just my opinion and your choice what you would do, but try to imagine if one of your friends came to you with this exact same problem...what would your advice be to her?
Wishing you luck and here's a big hug for you. :yh_hugs
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Betty Boop
- Posts: 16936
- Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 1:17 pm
- Location: The end of the World
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
It certainly is a road to nowhere if he is looking for an extra marital affair. Maybe he's happier at the moment because you've just boosted his ego! He's what, twenty years older and is probably quite complimented that you find him attractive, doesn't have to mean he'd be happy to act on it though.
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
dare2dream;1327435 wrote: Thankyou very much Rapunzel I think you just told me what I know already but needed confirming . . . much appreciated xxx
It's always easier to see a situation when you're not involved in it. I only based my opinion on what you told us. You're welcome and I hope it did help in some way.
I hope you can dare2dream of a new and brighter future for yourself. It will come, it just takes time. Take care of yourself. :yh_flower
It's always easier to see a situation when you're not involved in it. I only based my opinion on what you told us. You're welcome and I hope it did help in some way.
I hope you can dare2dream of a new and brighter future for yourself. It will come, it just takes time. Take care of yourself. :yh_flower
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chonsigirl
- Posts: 33633
- Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 8:28 am
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Tell him you want to be totally professional, and will no longer be discussing personal matters at your place of employment.
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chonsigirl
- Posts: 33633
- Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 8:28 am
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Oh, it is easy to just not answer a personal question. Change the topic:
"How was the girl's night out?"
"My aunt Agatha came over to bake dinner last night."
"I was asking about the night out on the town?"
"My aunt does drive a Town Car."
Or you can be like me, tell him last night you went to Tae Kwon Do or Karate class. You really are into the groove, and feel safe on any street at anytime, no cause to worrry about where I go at night.
This honestly has worked quite well for me, from all the older men who know my husband is an invalid, I lead a dull life. (no catcalls from the audience) But they try once or twice a year to ask me out, like tacky, tacky. They know better now-I sling the broken boards on my desk each Monday morning, lately a big old brick too. It was there all summer long, hidden by the paper we put up on shelves. One guy still didn't believe, had the incoming 6th graders go and peek. Ha! They finked him out, I went and checked in my room while he was there, asked him if my little old brick was in fine shape. He just lamely smiled, and said everything was all right.
"How was the girl's night out?"
"My aunt Agatha came over to bake dinner last night."
"I was asking about the night out on the town?"
"My aunt does drive a Town Car."
Or you can be like me, tell him last night you went to Tae Kwon Do or Karate class. You really are into the groove, and feel safe on any street at anytime, no cause to worrry about where I go at night.
This honestly has worked quite well for me, from all the older men who know my husband is an invalid, I lead a dull life. (no catcalls from the audience) But they try once or twice a year to ask me out, like tacky, tacky. They know better now-I sling the broken boards on my desk each Monday morning, lately a big old brick too. It was there all summer long, hidden by the paper we put up on shelves. One guy still didn't believe, had the incoming 6th graders go and peek. Ha! They finked him out, I went and checked in my room while he was there, asked him if my little old brick was in fine shape. He just lamely smiled, and said everything was all right.
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
OK, from a guy’s perspective, it is like this:
The guy is in his 40s with two teenage kids and has been married for I would expect a number of years.
He is a manager, and is OK with life, it plods along day after day.
He is not the young stud he use to be and most likely is not getting as many looks from the women as he use to.
Then comes along this youngish attractive girl in the office who he takes a liking to: now (unlike TV), not every married guy wants to run off and have an affair, but it does not mean that he is dead either. You gave him something that he probable had not had in a long time, attention.
So, being flattered he now finds himself even more attracted to you, but can’t do anything about it, (except maybe the odd wank off while thinking about you) and most likely does not want to do anything about it (except in his daydreams). He also does not want to lose the attraction you have for him, so he becomes jealous of other guys.
Basically he cannot win, he is a nice guy who likes you, is attracted to you and likes the fact that you like him, but is married with kids.
No one wins
The guy is in his 40s with two teenage kids and has been married for I would expect a number of years.
He is a manager, and is OK with life, it plods along day after day.
He is not the young stud he use to be and most likely is not getting as many looks from the women as he use to.
Then comes along this youngish attractive girl in the office who he takes a liking to: now (unlike TV), not every married guy wants to run off and have an affair, but it does not mean that he is dead either. You gave him something that he probable had not had in a long time, attention.
So, being flattered he now finds himself even more attracted to you, but can’t do anything about it, (except maybe the odd wank off while thinking about you) and most likely does not want to do anything about it (except in his daydreams). He also does not want to lose the attraction you have for him, so he becomes jealous of other guys.
Basically he cannot win, he is a nice guy who likes you, is attracted to you and likes the fact that you like him, but is married with kids.
No one wins
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
dare2dream;1327845 wrote: Thankyou Mikeinie that helps seeing it from a male perspective. So do you think I should leave the job? Or maybe you don't think that is necessary as he will just carry on as we are? I really don't want to leave as I have feelings for him and I know now that he feels the same but every day is a guessing game, we look at each other and both know what we want but can't have (without hurting others). It is really stressing me out because we have a real connection/attraction and I am actually finding myself wanting to go to work each day just to see him again. I suppose it is like a drug and if he feels the same then I dread to think what will happen. If anyone at work finds out then I would have to leave anyway as they are all married middle aged women who would quite rightly hate me for getting involved with a married man. I get the feeling he is scared of me somehow?? Maybe these feelings will pass and we can go back to being whatever we were before?? What do you think?? I seem to spend every minute either thinking of ways to end this before it starts by leaving/cutting all contact etc or I spend half the day wishing I had the nerve to just grab him and kiss him . . . actually sending me loopy now . . . very angry at myself for not feeling any guilt about his wife/kids when I was always so anti cheating/affairs. Perhaps its true that until you are in that positon you just don't know how you will react? Very confused right now. I don't know what would hurt me more . . . me leaving and never seeing him again or me making a move on him and him rejecting me? My head is all over the place need to get a grip I think!!
You answered your own question: Get a grip.
Look, you don’t need to leave your job, and there is nothing wrong with liking the guy, he obviously likes you as well, but come to terms with the fact that this is just how it is, and that’s how far it will go.
Ask yourself this, if you make your move on him, and he goes with it and has an affair with you, is that what you really want?
What happens the next morning? Is it a one nighter? Is he to tell his wife? Is he to leave his wife?
It is not just him you are dealing with, it is the whole package.
I am married with kids, I am also a manager in a business and have been attracted to coworkers and some have been attracted to me, but that’s life, I am married, I know where the line is. This isn’t high school, there are consequences if you screw around and you need to decide if you want that in your life.
Love is not just an emotion, it is also a choice.
You answered your own question: Get a grip.
Look, you don’t need to leave your job, and there is nothing wrong with liking the guy, he obviously likes you as well, but come to terms with the fact that this is just how it is, and that’s how far it will go.
Ask yourself this, if you make your move on him, and he goes with it and has an affair with you, is that what you really want?
What happens the next morning? Is it a one nighter? Is he to tell his wife? Is he to leave his wife?
It is not just him you are dealing with, it is the whole package.
I am married with kids, I am also a manager in a business and have been attracted to coworkers and some have been attracted to me, but that’s life, I am married, I know where the line is. This isn’t high school, there are consequences if you screw around and you need to decide if you want that in your life.
Love is not just an emotion, it is also a choice.
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
mikeinie;1327778 wrote:
No one wins
As Mike says...no one wins.
I thought reading this might help clarify your thoughts.
9-5 Sex, Lust, Lives Destroyed: What happens when sex blossoms in the workplace
No one wins
As Mike says...no one wins.
I thought reading this might help clarify your thoughts.
9-5 Sex, Lust, Lives Destroyed: What happens when sex blossoms in the workplace
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
dare2dream;1327423 wrote: Hi everyone I am very confused at the moment. I will try and keep this short . . . basically I left my husband 2 months ago as he has a severe personality disorder which frankly I couldn't cope with any longer. I have been working in my current job for around 5 months now and alough I liked my boss as a person from the start I never once flirted intentionally or thought about hi in that way until 3 weeks ago when he returned from his hols and started to act differently . . . we work together in one room just the two of us within our workplace and other than clients coming in and out throughout the day we are alone. He started to stand right next to me when on the computer screen we use (not touching but almost). Then he started to stare into my eyes to the point where I had to look away as embarrassed. I thought maybe I was imagining it as just left my husband etc but it continued. Then, I realised I have always liked him from the start and maybe that was what pushed me to finally leave my husband. Everyone at work (some have worked with him for over 15 years) say he is not happy with his wife etc etc and he has only mentioned her to me maybe half a dozen times in 5 months.Last week I told him that I had been to collect the last of my things from the marital home and he said to me '' You must be relieved . . . you must have known for a long time that you weren't happy and then you feel trapped''. As he said this he stared at me and didn't blink so I presumed that he meant that that was his situation also?! That evening before I left I handed him a note saying that I was attracted to him and did he feel the same. Madness I know but I just had to know and people with us so couldn't ask him direct.
He is in his 40's and I am in my late 20's I have no children he has 2 over 16 and he is the owner of the business (just to fill in any gaps). The next morning he came into work and closed the door so that nobody else could hear outside and said that he was flattered and that I was a ''very pretty girl'' and ''very attractive'' but that he was happily married. I was shocked by this as would never have said how I felt if I had thought he was happy in any way with his life. Then he said that he ''did not want to spoil our working relationship''. So I thought then that he would freeze me out and make me want to leave . . .but NO!! He has been extra friendly since then asking me about what was doing on an evening and staring at me but then suddenly looking away . . . but then looking again when he thinks I can't see. He is singing along to the radio and extra nice to clients and staff and especially to me. He says he hasn't told ANYONE so his wife doesnt know for sure and nobody at work . . . very confused???!!!! What should I do and why has he sent such mixed signals???
Thankyou and please don't think I want to split a happy home I just know that sometimes people really are miserable and lonely within a marriage.
He is your boss, nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't matter if he is happy at home or not,it's none of your concern. Be cordial, be friendly and drop any thoughts of the relationship being any more than a boss employee relationship. Anything else will just lead to trouble.:rolleyes:
He is in his 40's and I am in my late 20's I have no children he has 2 over 16 and he is the owner of the business (just to fill in any gaps). The next morning he came into work and closed the door so that nobody else could hear outside and said that he was flattered and that I was a ''very pretty girl'' and ''very attractive'' but that he was happily married. I was shocked by this as would never have said how I felt if I had thought he was happy in any way with his life. Then he said that he ''did not want to spoil our working relationship''. So I thought then that he would freeze me out and make me want to leave . . .but NO!! He has been extra friendly since then asking me about what was doing on an evening and staring at me but then suddenly looking away . . . but then looking again when he thinks I can't see. He is singing along to the radio and extra nice to clients and staff and especially to me. He says he hasn't told ANYONE so his wife doesnt know for sure and nobody at work . . . very confused???!!!! What should I do and why has he sent such mixed signals???
Thankyou and please don't think I want to split a happy home I just know that sometimes people really are miserable and lonely within a marriage.
He is your boss, nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't matter if he is happy at home or not,it's none of your concern. Be cordial, be friendly and drop any thoughts of the relationship being any more than a boss employee relationship. Anything else will just lead to trouble.:rolleyes:
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Clodhopper
- Posts: 5115
- Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:11 pm
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Just adding my voice to the "stay out of it" crowd.
If you get involved with this bloke you will end up VERY BADLY HURT.
In my opinion, if you stay, something will happen. Because it seems to me that you want it to. I think you should leave for your own sake.
If you get involved with this bloke you will end up VERY BADLY HURT.
In my opinion, if you stay, something will happen. Because it seems to me that you want it to. I think you should leave for your own sake.
The crowd: "Yes! We are all individuals!"
Lone voice: "I'm not."
Lone voice: "I'm not."
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fuzzywuzzy
- Posts: 6596
- Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2009 5:35 pm
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Lon;1328091 wrote: He is your boss, nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't matter if he is happy at home or not,it's none of your concern. Be cordial, be friendly and drop any thoughts of the relationship being any more than a boss employee relationship. Anything else will just lead to trouble.:rolleyes:
Thankyou Lon I see a demonisation of this man soon . For gods sake Daretodream ...Grow up!!! You are at work to WORK. Not assume about his personal life . Or get involved. I'ts none of your business what his marriage is like you don't have a say in his personal life . Just do your work. And you have to be looking at him for him to be staring into your eyes girl . Like Dah!!!!
Thankyou Lon I see a demonisation of this man soon . For gods sake Daretodream ...Grow up!!! You are at work to WORK. Not assume about his personal life . Or get involved. I'ts none of your business what his marriage is like you don't have a say in his personal life . Just do your work. And you have to be looking at him for him to be staring into your eyes girl . Like Dah!!!!
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Dare2dream. For what it's worth, I shall give my tupenny worth.
It is very clear from your posts that you are looking for a relationship and consider your boss to be a candidate for your affections. The fact that your boss looks you in the eye means nothing. Genuine people look you in the eye as they have nothing to hide and salesmen are taught to do this to gain the client's trust. Your boss has made it clear that he is happily married. So, you really cannot expect anything to suddenly blossom between you both.
1. Get a hold of your emotions and concentrate on doing a professional job for which you're paid for. Stay friendly but keep it professional.
2. In your own time, think about what you want in terms of a relationship with a man. Are you just after sex or something a bit deeper and meaningful?
3. Think about your social life. Does it need improvement and if so, what can you do to improve it?
It is very clear from your posts that you are looking for a relationship and consider your boss to be a candidate for your affections. The fact that your boss looks you in the eye means nothing. Genuine people look you in the eye as they have nothing to hide and salesmen are taught to do this to gain the client's trust. Your boss has made it clear that he is happily married. So, you really cannot expect anything to suddenly blossom between you both.
1. Get a hold of your emotions and concentrate on doing a professional job for which you're paid for. Stay friendly but keep it professional.
2. In your own time, think about what you want in terms of a relationship with a man. Are you just after sex or something a bit deeper and meaningful?
3. Think about your social life. Does it need improvement and if so, what can you do to improve it?
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
IMO, you both need to grow up!
It appears you're infatuated with your boss and trying to fulfill some kind of fantasy. You passed him a note one evening, advising him you were attracted to him? You hit on him. He's flattered by that. Believe him, not the rumor mill from co-workers when he tells you he is happily married!
You're coming from a relationship that just ended. Before trying to jump into another one, especially with a married man with baggage, you need time for yourself to get your head screwed back on.
I agree with some of the posters here. If you cannot function in your job as just an employee/employer relationship and nothing else, it's time to move on. I believe you are reading more into it than there actually is.
It appears you're infatuated with your boss and trying to fulfill some kind of fantasy. You passed him a note one evening, advising him you were attracted to him? You hit on him. He's flattered by that. Believe him, not the rumor mill from co-workers when he tells you he is happily married!
You're coming from a relationship that just ended. Before trying to jump into another one, especially with a married man with baggage, you need time for yourself to get your head screwed back on.
I agree with some of the posters here. If you cannot function in your job as just an employee/employer relationship and nothing else, it's time to move on. I believe you are reading more into it than there actually is.
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
dare2dream;1329880 wrote: Yeah I know I seem to be a silly girl who is obsessing over her boss . . . but I have only developed feelings for him since he started to make it obvious that he liked me as more than an employee. I have stopped making flirty comments etc as thought I should back off but he continues to stare into my eyes, I look away and when I glance back at him to continue the conversation, he is still staring. I am not trying to tempt him or whatever you seem to think I am doing I just wanted some advice on what to do as he is still letting me know that he is interested. And, as for his private life not being any of my business, well he doesn't seem to think so as every day he tells me all about his home life and the problems he is having with his tearaway teen son. Now, I cannot ignore him as like I said we work in the same room all day with nobody to talk to but each other so its not that simple. Also, he has been a sympathetic ear for me since leaving my husband. I am just concerned now as he has given me a massive pay increase (15%) and this isn't something that is done in our line of work and he is normally very tight where money is involved. I am simply wanting to know whether I should cut my losses and leave as I am getting worried what may happen long term as surely this cannot go on like this with us both obviously being so attracted to each other and now with the pay increase I am wondering what he thinks is going to happen? We have a big staff do coming up in a months time and he normally doesn't attend with him being the boss he tends to just go to the Christmas party but he is going to this one and I am thinking that something could happen if I don't hand my notice in. I feel as though I am at the crossroads here but the problem I have is that I love working there and now the money is great too I am finding the thought of leaving quite upsetting. Any advice greatly received as I am feeling very confused right now, thankyou . . .
Quit and get another job------I'm afraid you are a bit naive -----That massive pay raise is nothing more than a down payment on future favors.
Quit and get another job------I'm afraid you are a bit naive -----That massive pay raise is nothing more than a down payment on future favors.
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Boogalette
- Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 30, 2004 5:01 pm
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Well,
I've read your posts and you're in a pickle.
It would be a bigger pickle of you chose to sleep with him.
Firstly, you'll be hurting everyone in his family~ wife and children~ when they find out. Do you want that responsibility and ownership?
Secondly, you'll be labelled the office slut who broke up a marriage. Do you want that?
Thirdly, you will lose your job. Do you want that?
You are waiting for someone to give you permission on this thread to move forward with what you want. So far, no one will do that. The posters here can see around corners, and they see the pain and consequences of what will happen in you sleep with your boss.
No good can come of it.
Sorry.
I've read your posts and you're in a pickle.
It would be a bigger pickle of you chose to sleep with him.
Firstly, you'll be hurting everyone in his family~ wife and children~ when they find out. Do you want that responsibility and ownership?
Secondly, you'll be labelled the office slut who broke up a marriage. Do you want that?
Thirdly, you will lose your job. Do you want that?
You are waiting for someone to give you permission on this thread to move forward with what you want. So far, no one will do that. The posters here can see around corners, and they see the pain and consequences of what will happen in you sleep with your boss.
No good can come of it.
Sorry.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.~ De Seuss
Married boss giving very mixed signals - unsure what to do - please help . . .
Stay well clear hun, do not rush into another relationship,in my book married men are are a no no,as they just use you. I think you should value yourself to deserve better.