Realising that I am very lonely

[Boogalette]

I'm 40, let's get that out of the way. I'm a wife and mother. I work full time and have for a very long time.

I have recently realized that I have no real friends anymore, and I do not know why. My 2 closest friends had moved away for different reasons, and I am still in touch with them. I miss them terribly. I miss calling them up and asking if they would like to go shopping or for a coffee of something.

When I call my other friends, all I get is excuses, even frim my sister, even if I see if they would like to do so a week in advance.

Am I that gruesome of a person? Am I that horrible to be around? Have I hurt people so much over the years that this is my payback? Does everyone I know think I am made of stone? Is this karma?

If this is karma, I would like to say I get it

I'm lonely. My family loves me and we spend time together. I'm grateful. I need other people too. I need a best friend.

I have been making friends but I also do not want to poach other friends. I am jealous of those who have group of friends and watch them and wonder why no one invited me?? I am supposed to be friends with them. I want to be included, to be part of a circle.

I would like to know what lesson I am supposed to be learning from all of this, or am I possibly over analysing things?

I can understand why some women have affairs as I have entertained it. I would never have one, or even flirt with the opportunity, but I understand why some people do it.

I'm just very sad right now. I am also not allowing myself to fully feel it and work thru it. I'm getting stuck and hung up on this because I feel I am not allowed to wallow, that I should 'suck it up, princess'.

:yh_sad

well, I have vented, maybe that will take the edge off. Thank you for your ear.

[minks]

it screams of midlife crisis. hehehehe

Aw i have to ask how old are your children? If they are getting up into the teens I found that to be a huge transission for me... they needed me less and I suddenly had time on my hands to myself for myself. I found volunteering helped and yah I made great friends there.

You may also be the kind of person who likes quality friends over quantity friends, go on try taking some course of interest, start a new hobby, volunteer and you will be surprised who you will find as friends.

Also... go on just be friends with the peoples you mentioned, you can only try right

[along-for-the-ride]

These thoughts of lost friendships have occured to me now and then. I have met and made some wonderful friends during the course of my lifetime so far. (I am over 50.....so let's get that out of the way ) Because I've moved or they've moved, or we just took up other interests, I no longer have that close friendship with them. I kind of envy the folks who have been best friends for years. That's life. I also work, but, although I get along with my co-workers, I don't consider them as friends because we don't socialize "off the clock".

The most important thing you must realize is that you've got to like yourself. You've got to find out what you enjoy doing or are curious about doing......a new hobby, a sport, something like that. Then after you find out what it is, pursue it with enthusiasm and join others who enjoy the same thing. That's where you may find new friends.

Finding a true friend is a gift. Not everybody is lucky enough to find him/her.

We have many acquaintances, but few good friends.



PS. An affair is not the answer. Believe it not, this is not a cure for lonliness. Look at your husband and remember what is was that first attracted you to him. It may be time to approach your marriage a bit differently. Work as the team you are and see if a change in routine is in order.

I hope I have been able to help you a little.

[spot]

Hiya Dede.

If you're living in an isolated community, working full time, surrounded by snowbanks and howling blizzards for six months of the year and bringing up a couple of pre-teen children then I'd have thought you're very dependent on your few neighbours for company during your few unoccupied hours. It's not like life in a city with hundreds of socializing options. Presumably you know everyone in town and they all know you too.

Perhaps there's a local political issue you could champion, that might build new connections with people you'd not normally sit and talk with.

Or maybe the image I have of your town is completely mistaken?

[minks]

spot;1246881 wrote: Hiya Dede.

If you're living in an isolated community, working full time, surrounded by snowbanks and howling blizzards for six months of the year and bringing up a couple of pre-teen children then I'd have thought you're very dependent on your few neighbours for company during your few unoccupied hours. It's not like life in a city with hundreds of socializing options. Presumably you know everyone in town and they all know you too.

Perhaps there's a local political issue you could champion, that might build new connections with people you'd not normally sit and talk with.

Or maybe the image I have of your town is completely mistaken?


Geeze spot that is every town in Canada cept for the west coast ahahaha oh wait here in mine, we get 8 months of snow

[Rapunzel]

Hiya Boogie-woogie girl.

You sound as though you're feeling depressed hunni. I know where you're coming from. I suffered major depression a few years ago and it seemed to last forever. A part of it was feeling that I had no real friends. I've had real friends in the past but as I've moved I've gradually lost them. In my last job, I loved my job, but wasn't especially close to anyone. As AFTR said, they're more like acquaintances, rather than friends. However, I've just changed jobs and made a wonderful new friend, which just goes to show that you never know what's waiting for you around the next corner.

Here's a song for you:

YouTube - Just Around the Riverbend - Pocahontas

As has been said above, you need some change in your life. (And not an affair. ) Maybe a new hobby or interest. I like cross-stitching personally. I also love to read, but not when I'm feeling down. Then I need to shake off the sad feelings by going for a walk through the park, riding my bike or going swimming. And yes, you CAN go by yourself. Most people do. You can even stand up and sing head, shoulders, knees and toes to yourself and do the actions repeatedly and getting faster until you're out of breath! Sounds silly but you need to shake off those doldrums to start to feel better.

You can also chat to the nice folks here. Do something nice for yourself and believe that you deserve that niceness. It's not karma. It's cyclical depression, you're just swirling around getting closer to that plughole that will sweep you down into the depths of despair. Only nice people worry whether they might be horrible, really horrible people don't give a stuff what anyone else thinks! So you're obviously lovely. Stick around, have a chat, lay down the weight on your shoulders and gradually you'll find your burden being left behind. That's my five cents worth of advice. Now lets go for coffee. :yh_coffee:yh_coffee :yh_hugs

[Kathy Ellen]

Lots of good advice here Dede.....Hope you feel better.:-6

[Boogalette]

minks;1246874 wrote: it screams of midlife crisis. hehehehe

Aw i have to ask how old are your children? If they are getting up into the teens I found that to be a huge transition for me... they needed me less and I suddenly had time on my hands to myself for myself. I found volunteering helped and yah I made great friends there.

You may also be the kind of person who likes quality friends over quantity friends, go on try taking some course of interest, start a new hobby, volunteer and you will be surprised who you will find as friends.

Also... go on just be friends with the peoples you mentioned, you can only try right


It does smack crisis, doesn't it? LOL

My kids are not even 10 yet, but they are needing me less and less. I do know that I am feeling less and less appreciated by them, husband too. All husband wants is to do is fool around. I know some people would appreciate that, but I can assure you it gets old fast.

I like quality friends, true enough. I just want to joke and talk and have conversations.

I will continue with the ladies I have been spending time with. I like them and I hope they like me.

I just want to be liked, don't we all?

And thank you for your reply, I appreciate it

[Boogalette]

along-for-the-ride;1246880 wrote: These thoughts of lost friendships have occurred to me now and then. I have met and made some wonderful friends during the course of my lifetime so far. (I am over 50.....so let's get that out of the way ) Because I've moved or they've moved, or we just took up other interests, I no longer have that close friendship with them. I kind of envy the folks who have been best friends for years. That's life. I also work, but, although I get along with my co-workers, I don't consider them as friends because we don't socialize "off the clock".

The most important thing you must realize is that you've got to like yourself. You've got to find out what you enjoy doing or are curious about doing......a new hobby, a sport, something like that. Then after you find out what it is, pursue it with enthusiasm and join others who enjoy the same thing. That's where you may find new friends.

Finding a true friend is a gift. Not everybody is lucky enough to find him/her.

We have many acquaintances, but few good friends.



PS. An affair is not the answer. Believe it not, this is not a cure for loneliness. Look at your husband and remember what is was that first attracted you to him. It may be time to approach your marriage a bit differently. Work as the team you are and see if a change in routine is in order.

I hope I have been able to help you a little.


You have been helpful , replying to me means lots.

I too envy the ones that have maintained such friendships.

My goodness, all of my feelings about this are right there and set off easily. I'm feeling very sensitive today, well, most of the weekend actually.

Yoga, I feel yoga may be the hobby I will pursue. I have asked several people if they would like to join me, and I have been politely refused. I will do this on my own.

[Boogalette]

spot;1246881 wrote: Hiya Dede.

If you're living in an isolated community, working full time, surrounded by snowbanks and howling blizzards for six months of the year and bringing up a couple of pre-teen children then I'd have thought you're very dependent on your few neighbours for company during your few unoccupied hours. It's not like life in a city with hundreds of socializing options. Presumably you know everyone in town and they all know you too.

Perhaps there's a local political issue you could champion, that might build new connections with people you'd not normally sit and talk with.

Or maybe the image I have of your town is completely mistaken?
Hi, Spot

My city has roughly a population of 100K. We have quite a thriving community. I live within city limits , but many consider it country life, 15 minutes from city center. Sometimes I would like to throttle people who think they have to plan a weekend to visit my family, but yet they expect myself and my family to make teh exact same drive. Boggles my mind .

I live in a community larger than a village and a town, for sure. But it is more like 3 degrees of separation, not the 6 we all are familiar with.

We are buried in snow for months at a time, but hey, it's Canada, it happens.

[Boogalette]

Rapunzel;1246919 wrote: Hiya Boogie-woogie girl.

You sound as though you're feeling depressed hunni. I know where you're coming from. I suffered major depression a few years ago and it seemed to last forever. A part of it was feeling that I had no real friends. I've had real friends in the past but as I've moved I've gradually lost them. In my last job, I loved my job, but wasn't especially close to anyone. As AFTR said, they're more like acquaintances, rather than friends. However, I've just changed jobs and made a wonderful new friend, which just goes to show that you never know what's waiting for you around the next corner.

Here's a song for you:

YouTube - Just Around the Riverbend - Pocahontas

As has been said above, you need some change in your life. (And not an affair. ) Maybe a new hobby or interest. I like cross-stitching personally. I also love to read, but not when I'm feeling down. Then I need to shake off the sad feelings by going for a walk through the park, riding my bike or going swimming. And yes, you CAN go by yourself. Most people do. You can even stand up and sing head, shoulders, knees and toes to yourself and do the actions repeatedly and getting faster until you're out of breath! Sounds silly but you need to shake off those doldrums to start to feel better.

You can also chat to the nice folks here. Do something nice for yourself and believe that you deserve that niceness. It's not karma. It's cyclical depression, you're just swirling around getting closer to that plughole that will sweep you down into the depths of despair. Only nice people worry whether they might be horrible, really horrible people don't give a stuff what anyone else thinks! So you're obviously lovely. Stick around, have a chat, lay down the weight on your shoulders and gradually you'll find your burden being left behind. That's my five cents worth of advice. Now lets go for coffee. :yh_coffee:yh_coffee :yh_hugs


Rapunzel, thank you.

Yes, I think that dammed old depression has it's hooks into me tight now, and it's changed my thoughts into not fun ones.

I have been doing quite well, but I have as of late realised that I have had to revise and revamp certain people in my life and it hurts. I put more stock into them than they have to me. This is what sets my depression off, the feeling of not being good enough, of being not welcome, of not being liked, of me blindly putting my stock on what other people think of me.

How silly is that?

But this is the one trigger, it has to be.

So along with yoga, I will head back to someone to talk to. It can only help.

Thank you for listening.

[Rapunzel]

Boogalette;1246969 wrote: Rapunzel, thank you.

Yes, I think that dammed old depression has it's hooks into me tight now, and it's changed my thoughts into not fun ones.

I have been doing quite well, but I have as of late realised that I have had to revise and revamp certain people in my life and it hurts. I put more stock into them than they have to me. This is what sets my depression off, the feeling of not being good enough, of being not welcome, of not being liked, of me blindly putting my stock on what other people think of me.

How silly is that?

But this is the one trigger, it has to be.

So along with yoga, I will head back to someone to talk to. It can only help.

Thank you for listening.


It's not silly, not at all. We all want to be loved, to be liked, to be accepted.

What you're going through sounds very similar to what I went through, when the people whom I believed would always be there for me - just werent.

It hurt me deeply that those I loved could and would turn their backs.

It was very depressing going through some horrible things and not having people, well okay, family, to care. I was like you and thought I must be a horrible person. Those thoughts still plague me, but less often now. I had to make myself stop thinking about them and fill my life with other things. I don't understand why they are the way they are, but I've gradually come to realise that its their choice to be that way. So I've put them to one side and live my life without them in it. Maybe one day they'll regret their choices, maybe they won't. But I have to make my life good for myself and my family. I think realising your depression is the first step to begin dealing with it, rather than wallowing in it and feeling so alone and helpless. I know what triggers my downward mood swings and try to avoid it. People will always be here to talk to you, if and when you need.

Hugs to you,

Mel. x :yh_hugs

[AussiePam]

Hi Boogalette - I'm so glad you came in here and let a bit of your feelings out. That's a great start. I think you touched a chord in a lot of us - women who've found ourselves isolated, tired from looking after household needs, and kids. Women who are both tied down, busy, but bored too. In need of adult stimulus, conversation, friends, outside interests.

I well remember a few what I call grey years. I lived them in a kind of depressed fog. And when you're right down, it's hard not to find a way to stop the spiral, and start moving upwards again. The fact that you've managed to come in here and spit some of this out is probably that first hard step. Congratulations.

You know what I found helpful? I started a journal. But I tried to make it a positive journal only. Each day I tried to list a few bright moments, even just one bright moment - simple stuff like - today I saw a bunch of yellow butterflies. Today I turned on the radio and they were playing my favourite song. Today the scowly shop assistant told me a joke and we both laughed.

Good luck with the yoga. Don't get tangled up too creatively - :sneaky: or if you do, put the webcam on!!! :-6



(I dedicated a bit of flamenco to you - dance is a great way to let it all hang out too... ole)

http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/music ... cated.html

[Odie]

and I'm also over 50:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl





its hard to define 'friends' with myself, as I have had a couple of evil ones who have much later stabbed me in the back, and this was just a few months ago, not in my teen years.

I met a friend 6 years ago, a neighbour, we used to sit out on my porch for coffee, until I realized she was only coming over when she needed me to talk to.

Even good friends who later on kind of stated to twist things around...

I had the best friend for over 25 years, we were inseparable, even during our first two divorces...then one day met someone a man....and I hear from her every 6-8 months now.



'Good' Friendship' sometimes never comes easy.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________



Different ways you can meet people:



-find a group in you area from 'your local community centre', they have all kinds of programs

-google 'group programs for adults in 'your own town', or city.

(ex: I live in Toronto but because Toronto is so big and I would not want to travel over the entire city I would google Etobicoke as that is one of the ciites in Toronto that I live in.)



-take a course on something you have always wanted to do, salsa dancing, clay potting, cooking, exercise programs, etc......

-start going for walks

--there are also all kinds of 'help' groups for anything you may think you need help in or you children or husband etc.





-going to church





hope these help.

[lou lou belle]

I love this thread, not only can I relate to it, but I know people who have felt like you.

Dont dispair, you will get through this. you are still young enough to move on and start another life and that is possible.

Life begins at Forty, and i do know what I am talking about, I am now 40 and love my life, I am happy and fulfilled in what I do, but that is only because i have craved that and succeeded in my goal. Look at yourself and ask yourself what do you want to do? what is it that would make you happy, then you will have the answer.

You will be happier and I know from experience a lot stonger. Good luck x

Life is not a rehersal :-6

[Patsy Warnick]

1st - you say your a Wife...

what happened to that relationship - no friend there ??

have you grown apart? what happened to that best friend you married.???

I don't put alot into this mid life crisis - you get what you put in......

you need to think about if your bored with life in general..??

are you bored with that relationship with your husband?

Start there before wanting to go out with the girls, which would lead to more than a manicure.. trust me I know

Patsy

[mrsK]

Boogalette;1246873 wrote: I'm 40, let's get that out of the way. I'm a wife and mother. I work full time and have for a very long time.

I have recently realized that I have no real friends anymore, and I do not know why. My 2 closest friends had moved away for different reasons, and I am still in touch with them. I miss them terribly. I miss calling them up and asking if they would like to go shopping or for a coffee of something.

When I call my other friends, all I get is excuses, even frim my sister, even if I see if they would like to do so a week in advance.

Am I that gruesome of a person? Am I that horrible to be around? Have I hurt people so much over the years that this is my payback? Does everyone I know think I am made of stone? Is this karma?

If this is karma, I would like to say I get it

I'm lonely. My family loves me and we spend time together. I'm grateful. I need other people too. I need a best friend.

I have been making friends but I also do not want to poach other friends. I am jealous of those who have group of friends and watch them and wonder why no one invited me?? I am supposed to be friends with them. I want to be included, to be part of a circle.

I would like to know what lesson I am supposed to be learning from all of this, or am I possibly over analysing things?

I can understand why some women have affairs as I have entertained it. I would never have one, or even flirt with the opportunity, but I understand why some people do it.

I'm just very sad right now. I am also not allowing myself to fully feel it and work thru it. I'm getting stuck and hung up on this because I feel I am not allowed to wallow, that I should 'suck it up, princess'.

:yh_sad

well, I have vented, maybe that will take the edge off. Thank you for your ear.


I have to agree with Patsy take time to spend with your husband,make him your best friend ,do trips & fun things with him.It works :-6

[nok]

I understand how you feel.

I would like to offer some suggestions :

1. Go to church. There are people there who are willing to socialize with others. In church, they have parties, dances, barbecues, activities to do with others in church, etc. If you don't like one church, then go to another. Even if you're not religious, you can enjoy the social aspects that a church offers.

2. Join a health fitness center and exercise there regularly. Exercising helps us feel better about ourselves and releases certain hormones that makes us feel good ( I don't know if that's true or not but that's what I heard).

3. Join a club that interests you. You can meet friends that way.

4. Take a class in something you're interested in. You will get to know the other students and maybe, make a friend or two along the way.

5. Take a trip. The change of scenery will do a world of good .

6. Internet chat with people.

Hope this helps.

[Boogalette]

AussiePam;1246991 wrote: Hi Boogalette - I'm so glad you came in here and let a bit of your feelings out. That's a great start. I think you touched a chord in a lot of us - women who've found ourselves isolated, tired from looking after household needs, and kids. Women who are both tied down, busy, but bored too. In need of adult stimulus, conversation, friends, outside interests.

I well remember a few what I call grey years. I lived them in a kind of depressed fog. And when you're right down, it's hard not to find a way to stop the spiral, and start moving upwards again. The fact that you've managed to come in here and spit some of this out is probably that first hard step. Congratulations.

You know what I found helpful? I started a journal. But I tried to make it a positive journal only. Each day I tried to list a few bright moments, even just one bright moment - simple stuff like - today I saw a bunch of yellow butterflies. Today I turned on the radio and they were playing my favourite song. Today the scowly shop assistant told me a joke and we both laughed.

Good luck with the yoga. Don't get tangled up too creatively - :sneaky: or if you do, put the webcam on!!! :-6



(I dedicated a bit of flamenco to you - dance is a great way to let it all hang out too... ole)

http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/music ... cated.html


Thank you Aussie Pam, I appreciate that

I should start my gratitude journal again. I did wonders for me years ago. I think I will, even if I have to say I'm happy to have trimmed my fingernails. Or maybe SpongeBob...I like him, he's funny.

I'm wallowing in the dark. I'm wondering if I'm unhappy with my marriage. Actually I think that If I entertain that thought, then it must be hitting close to home.

I'm taking the blame, I don't know why. I do know that I'm beginning to get angry. That's not good, But it's better than thinking about driving into a transport truck, or slipping under while taking a bath. I'd never do it but I do have those foolish thoughts some days.

I'll hang onto the anger for now. I'll listen to music all kinds and that should bring me out of it.

[Boogalette]

Odie;1246997 wrote: and I'm also over 50:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

its hard to define 'friends' with myself, as I have had a couple of evil ones who have much later stabbed me in the back, and this was just a few months ago, not in my teen years.

I met a friend 6 years ago, a neighbour, we used to sit out on my porch for coffee, until I realized she was only coming over when she needed me to talk to.

Even good friends who later on kind of stated to twist things around...

I had the best friend for over 25 years, we were inseparable, even during our first two divorces...then one day met someone a man....and I hear from her every 6-8 months now.



'Good' Friendship' sometimes never comes easy.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________



Different ways you can meet people:



-find a group in you area from 'your local community centre', they have all kinds of programs

-google 'group programs for adults in 'your own town', or city.

(ex: I live in Toronto but because Toronto is so big and I would not want to travel over the entire city I would google Etobicoke as that is one of the ciites in Toronto that I live in.)

-take a course on something you have always wanted to do, salsa dancing, clay potting, cooking, exercise programs, etc......

-start going for walks

--there are also all kinds of 'help' groups for anything you may think you need help in or you children or husband etc.

-going to church

hope these help.


All of these ideas help, Spot, thank you. I have logistics that come into play but they are being considered right now.

People **** me off too somedays. I thought high school ended at high school but it doesn't. Most days, I love life but I have spells, and this one is hanging one. Brutal. I see it though, and that is 3/4 of the battle.

[Boogalette]

lou lou belle;1247010 wrote: I love this thread, not only can I relate to it, but I know people who have felt like you.

Dont dispair, you will get through this. you are still young enough to move on and start another life and that is possible.

Life begins at Forty, and i do know what I am talking about, I am now 40 and love my life, I am happy and fulfilled in what I do, but that is only because i have craved that and succeeded in my goal. Look at yourself and ask yourself what do you want to do? what is it that would make you happy, then you will have the answer.

You will be happier and I know from experience a lot stronger. Good luck x

Life is not a rehersal :-6


I wish I knew what I wanted. I have always wondered what my bliss was? I envy those that have found theirs, that makes them happy people.

I am going to have a closer look, but I can't see the forest for the tress most days.

[Boogalette]

Patsy Warnick;1247111 wrote: 1st - you say your a Wife...

what happened to that relationship - no friend there ??

have you grown apart? what happened to that best friend you married.???

I don't put alot into this mid life crisis - you get what you put in......

you need to think about if your bored with life in general..??

are you bored with that relationship with your husband?

Start there before wanting to go out with the girls, which would lead to more than a manicure.. trust me I know

Patsy


Not lately, Patsy, not lately.

He wants what he wants and does not want to give me what I want. I won't give him what he wants because he won't give me what I want. Vicious cycle.

Oh, I've tried to yield and thought that if he were to have what he wanted that I in turn would get what I want eventually.

But I don't.

He wants certain things in the bedroom that I have no interest in.

I want stuff put away...that's it, put your sh|it away.

Nope , it's not working that way.

So yes, I'm bored.

There I said it...out loud, well, I typed it out. Now I have to tell him.

[Patsy Warnick]

Boogalette

AussiePam has given you some insight & great advise - I also keep a journal, not a frequently as I'd like, it is good therapy - it is a good start.

alot of times just actually seeing what you've written - as you said

There I said it...!!

Sounds to me you need to think - Do you like your husband..?

Do you like him??!! - do you like spending time with him? or do you spend time together?

Have you isolated yourself? Have you or are you closing yourself off? meaning not only avoiding him - avoiding eye contact - avoiding others as well?

Your very mad at him - and like most women, WE NEED TO TALK IT OUT...

any chance of talking peacefully with your husband? you need to start there....

if Women don't talk - then we stay mad which snowballs...!!

Patsy

[Nomad]

Just off the top of my head, mainly because thats all thats left, theres a simple saying I like very much.



If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got.



In other words maybe its time to re-invent yourself. You can you know. Anything is possible. It always comes down to how much effort we want to put into it.

Whom would you like to become?

[Mustang]

You were attracted to your husband at one point in your life since you married him. Recall what that was and rekindle it.

Sometimes we get so comfortable in our relationship that we no longer take the effort to make our spouse feel special. It feels like the spark has just went out of the relationship sometimes, doesn't it? Feel unappreciated and stuck in the same routine. Life gets busy, and instead of doing things as a couple we start going in separate directions.

If your relationship is lacking verbal communication, buy him a card and write him a love letter. Tell him exactly what you're feeling and what you'd like to see change, in a positive way. Sometimes us guys don't get the message when women talk to us, but a written letter is something we can hold and reread to 'get' the message you're trying to get across.

[AussiePam]

I agree with Patsy, and also like what Nomad is saying about maybe reinventing yourself.

I've reread this thread and have had another thought. It isn't always possible of course, and it's less easy when children are very small, but can you work for even a few hours a week outside the home? I assume you're not now doing this. Even start a course on something you can really get your teeth into. Like photography or creative writing or sports massage. Something for the mind, like the yoga for your body.

Having a strand of your life separate and independent from the hearth and home can really help some women. Claustrophobia often means that your pain is focussed on your nearest and dearest, as the only available outlet. Difficult, because you're the prime homemaker, but still, men don't always deal well with such pressure, and stress can escalate till you're in a no win place neither of you really are ready to be in.

Reinvent yourself and liberate that goddess spark !!!! It could be a great adventure.

[Oscar Namechange]

Boogalette;1249012 wrote: All of these ideas help, Spot, thank you. I have logistics that come into play but they are being considered right now.

People **** me off too somedays. I thought high school ended at high school but it doesn't. Most days, I love life but I have spells, and this one is hanging one. Brutal. I see it though, and that is 3/4 of the battle.


Hi Boogie Woogie,

You have had some fantastic advice here from some of the best peeps.

When I look at my friends, friends, I some-times see that they don't step 'outside the box'. Some folks think 'I'm 40 years old, there-fore I'm looking for a friends of 40 years old'. Do you get my drift?

One thing my Father told me when I was a small kid at school was 'Not everyone in life will like you... do not waste your time with these people, for many others will.'

Friends come in all ages, religions, colours, different vacations in life etc etc. One day I can be having coffee with a group of 80 year old ladies at one of our meetings, another evening chatting for hours to teenagers in my village. Some days I even have police officers pop in for a cup of coffee, another day I'm picking up a neighbours child from school while she is at work. So my advice would be don't catorgorise people and pigeon hole them thinking they won't suit your life. Some-times, the very best friends come from the one's you least expect. :-6

It's all very well, some-one saying to you, my life is great, my life is fullfilled but you'll ususally find the one's who insist they have a great life are the ones who are just wishing. You don't have to achieve your goals to make good long lasting friends.... Just be yourself and give it time. From your posts... I think the last thing you need is some-one telling you how great their life is !!. I am older than you and I have certainly not achieved all my goals yet. The key is to not catogorise yourself in a box. ie Mother, wife etc. Think of what you would like to do with your life and think about how you can try to achieve those goals and what you need to do to begin the journey.

Best wishes,

Julie

[Liling]

I think all of us feel lonely sometimes. Being alone is never a problem for me cause there is always something to do. Maybe having a new hobby can help you kill some free time.

[shelbell]

Hi Boogalette...I hope things have changed in a positive way since you first posted this. I know my situation is a little different, but in ways are the same. From the time I met my husband, we were best friends, we did everything together because we enjoyed all the same things. We were so close that all our friends fell to the wayside. Well he died about 8 months ago, and now I find myself totally friendless. He and our kids were my life...but my kids are all grown (only my 17yr old left at home) so I have no idea who I even am.

I've been battling major depression and bipolar2 for many years, but now I feel it's impossible to find a friend, especially since I don't like leaving my house. I'm restricted as to what I can do because I'm disabled. I've withdrawn into myself so much that I don't know how to get out of this hole I'm in. I also think people see me as a stone...I'm not one to show many emotions. I know your feelings of friendlessness...it's a sad a lonely place to be. There are so many great ideas on this thread that I find myself thinking about trying some. I'm so glad you posted this thread...it's helped me too. Thank you. :-4

[Nomad]

Liling;1261661 wrote: I think all of us feel lonely sometimes. Being alone is never a problem for me cause there is always something to do. Maybe having a new hobby can help you kill some free time.


Not to mention, other people are just no damned good.

[K.Snyder]

Well, Boogalette, your entire original post talked about how you'd missed your two close friends and about how your other friends seem to have conflicting schedules...How long have you tried to meet with them, a couple of weeks or a few months?

Having talked about missing friendships and the feelings they encompass followed sternly by Boogalette;1246873 wrote: I can understand why some women have affairs as I have entertained it. I would never have one, or even flirt with the opportunity, but I understand why some people do it. leads me to believe that you're rather bored, and it's not just by your lack of friendships.

[Blackadder]

Hi, new on this site myself and if I sit back I realise that its the same for me, I have pub (bar) acquaintances (this is England, everyone drinks!)but no real close friends. I have in the past and been burned so I personally think friends are over-rated.

I found music, as in I listen and play guitar, write songs etc. stress buster.

You need a hobby.

Or move house . . . . . .

[mikeinie]

Boogalette;1246968 wrote: Hi, Spot

My city has roughly a population of 100K. We have quite a thriving community. I live within city limits , but many consider it country life, 15 minutes from city center. Sometimes I would like to throttle people who think they have to plan a weekend to visit my family, but yet they expect myself and my family to make teh exact same drive. Boggles my mind .

I live in a community larger than a village and a town, for sure. But it is more like 3 degrees of separation, not the 6 we all are familiar with.

We are buried in snow for months at a time, but hey, it's Canada, it happens.


But think of the up side..

[abbey]

mikeinie;1265446 wrote: But think of the up side..


:wah:

[Boogalette]

Well, it's been over 2 months since I posted this. I thought for sure this would have been on page 6-20 at this point.

I'm sorry that there are other lonely people out there as well. I'd rather be alone in feeling this way to be honest, only because I know how shitty this feels.

Do I still feel lonely? You bet I do. I just have not dwelled on it much as of late. I'm overwhelmed and incredibly stressed at work, and have no time to feel lonely. Sort of taking a hammer to your foot to forget about the headache therapy. Oy.

I have chosen to replug into my family vs look externally for friendship and affection. My husband and I are reconnecting better (by notches, slow and steady) and so are my children and I.

I cook more.

I walk with some neighbourhood ladies/friends more.

I spend more time with my Mom.

I'm inviting my nieces over more to hang out with my kids.

It's little stuff. I'm paying more attention to the little stuff vs focusing on this huge hurt.

Oh the hurt is still there, but it's doing me more good to look at other stuff. It may go away, here's hoping.

I'm only 40

Thank all of you for your kind words. What I really appreciate about it the most is the effort you gave in trying to help me. Do you know how important that was to a complete stranger? Did you see how kind all of you were in just typing out several sentences??

Thank you.

[Patsy Warnick]

Well, it sounds like your off to a good start.

I wish you the best

Patsy

[K.Snyder]

Boogalette;1270559 wrote: Oh the hurt is still there, but it's doing me more good to look at other stuff. It may go away, here's hoping.




I don't care how appealing this thought of yours might sound but by ignoring your feelings you'll not only delay the inevitable but you'll very definitively serve to make them worse

[Patsy Warnick]

Snyder

I believe Boogalette is working on finding their feelings and how to cope with those feelings - working through those feelings.

As they arise - come to terms with it.

One can't make quick decisions/judgements on how One works thru.

She's made great strides

Patsy

[AussiePam]

I agree with you, Patsy. Sometimes focussing off a hurt and getting on with your life helps with another perspective. All the things you're doing sound good to me. Very best wishes for continued healing, Boogalette. :-6

[Odie]

Boogalette;1270559 wrote: Well, it's been over 2 months since I posted this. I thought for sure this would have been on page 6-20 at this point.

I'm sorry that there are other lonely people out there as well. I'd rather be alone in feeling this way to be honest, only because I know how shitty this feels.

Do I still feel lonely? You bet I do. I just have not dwelled on it much as of late. I'm overwhelmed and incredibly stressed at work, and have no time to feel lonely. Sort of taking a hammer to your foot to forget about the headache therapy. Oy.

I have chosen to replug into my family vs look externally for friendship and affection. My husband and I are reconnecting better (by notches, slow and steady) and so are my children and I.

I cook more.

I walk with some neighbourhood ladies/friends more.

I spend more time with my Mom.

I'm inviting my nieces over more to hang out with my kids.

It's little stuff. I'm paying more attention to the little stuff vs focusing on this huge hurt.

Oh the hurt is still there, but it's doing me more good to look at other stuff. It may go away, here's hoping.

I'm only 40

Thank all of you for your kind words. What I really appreciate about it the most is the effort you gave in trying to help me. Do you know how important that was to a complete stranger? Did you see how kind all of you were in just typing out several sentences??

Thank you.




I know how it feels to be lonely, its seems you have come a long way.

I keep busy since my x left me, I do things above and beyond that I never though I could do, inside and outside the house.

I see my family much more often now.

I read more often now, apparently it takes 3-5 years to get over a separation, so now I know I am not going insane, and I take things day by day..



am I still lonely? damn right I am, but I have also learned to focus on small things, one day at a time, some days are awesome, some are not just like everyone's elses.

[mikeinie]

YouTube - Klaatu - The Loneliest of Creatures MUSIC VIDEO in HD

[shelbell]

Boogalette, it's good you are taking some positive steps forward to do something about your lifes problems. I do agree with KSnyder tho in the fact that you can't busy yourself out of your pain and loneliness....if you do, then you are just surpressing and it will come back and slam you in the face one day. You need to deal with it all now, otherwise it will just be worse when it finally comes out...and it will come out. Best wishes to you.

Shel :-4

[Saint_]

Boogalette;1246873 wrote: I have no real friends anymore, .


Well, to start off, as you get older your circle of friends grows smaller just for the very reason that you don't hang out on a campus of 2000 other people anymore. If you work, you probably do not work at a hugh company, and even if you did, it's difficult to go out with coworkers. (And sometimes dangerous!)

Where's that leave you? Looking for friends, obviously! We all go through it. Sometimes you have so many it seems like you don't have time for them all, other times, bums on the street start to look good for companionship!

My advice: Get involved in some kind of hobby. Whatever interests you will start. Take some guitar lessons or an art class. Go to church and stay for the cookies and milk afterwards or join a young adults (You're not THAT old!) group there.

It's not that you're not fun and attractive, it's just that you need exposure! (One more thing: It's been my experience that friends just seem to come along, usually when you weren't expecting them!):-6

[CinnamonBear]

hello boogeylette. Thanks for visiting my profile page, oops which I haven't filled out yet. (Will do.) I looked you up then and found this thread of yours especially interesting and emotional. When I first went to college I had a week of feeling lonely and lost. Thank God it didn't last long. I wasn't married then and he was far away, sad, sad, but making new friends helped fill my time.

So sorry to see what you've gone through. I don't know what I would do because my friends are my rocks, forever. I've known them longer than my man, most of them.

I found your thread interesting, sad and wide open. Good for you, brave too. Spot gave me an assignment to find 5 interesting threads to reply to and since I found you on my profile page this is the second topic I've replied to. (3 more to go :driving:) I also read about you losing your job, but I won't reply to that thread directly because my friend just lost her job and she's emotional. We've been on the phone day and night, I'm worn out on the subject. Hers was a company wide layoff and not personal. Still it hurts her. Good luck to you and be well.

[nok]

Maybe you can chat with people in different chat rooms on the internet to ease your loneliness- find one or a few that suit you and then chat in there- some of the chatrooms are fun and the people are friendly and there are a lot of them on the internet- you can find one that suits you. That's what I do and it does help some.

Also, you can ( if you want to) visit old people's homes or orphanages and donate a bit of your time there. There are lots of people in old people's homes that are lonely and would appreciate the company. The children in the orphanages love attention :-4

[Boogalette]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate your kind words.

When I posted that, I was NOT in a good place. We all have times in out lives where it is not all rainbows and butterflies, and if you say that that is not true, then I will peg you for a bullshitter!

I was in a spot and now I am not. There were other mitigating circumstances going on in the background that influenced how I was feeling. Those circumstances have resolved themselves, and had for a while now.

Life is fantastic at this time. I have the opportunity to relax for a while, I get to be home when my girls arrive from school, everything is well financially, hubby and I still make each other chuckle.

Now, will this moment of peace be interrupted by some chaos? At some point, yes. Why? Because that is how life happens. It's what it is.

The beauty of moving into your 40s is that perspective becomes your ally. It's quite nice.

Also what helps, is that we will have kittens in the house sometimes soon. Kittens make everything better!

[Odie]

Boogalette;1333901 wrote: Thanks everyone! I appreciate your kind words.

When I posted that, I was NOT in a good place. We all have times in out lives where it is not all rainbows and butterflies, and if you say that that is not true, then I will peg you for a bullshitter!

I was in a spot and now I am not. There were other mitigating circumstances going on in the background that influenced how I was feeling. Those circumstances have resolved themselves, and had for a while now.

Life is fantastic at this time. I have the opportunity to relax for a while, I get to be home when my girls arrive from school, everything is well financially, hubby and I still make each other chuckle.

Now, will this moment of peace be interrupted by some chaos? At some point, yes. Why? Because that is how life happens. It's what it is.

The beauty of moving into your 40s is that perspective becomes your ally. It's quite nice.

Also what helps, is that we will have kittens in the house sometimes soon. Kittens make everything better!


that's great to know everything turned out so well.:-6

and kittens do make everything feel better.:guitarist

[claire101]

hi sounds like me ,, my kids have grown up and i work full time ..long hours .. dont get much time to go out and make friends .. im 39 and live alone . it does get a bit lonely some time ..

[Oscar Namechange]

claire101;1338574 wrote: hi sounds like me ,, my kids have grown up and i work full time ..long hours .. dont get much time to go out and make friends .. im 39 and live alone . it does get a bit lonely some time .. Can you join a Political Party? It Is not just about Politics, as there are many many social functions being held all the time.

Even If you get roped Into delivering leaflets for an hour once a week, you slowly find your contacts building up.

[claire101]

never thought off that .. not sure if thats for me .. i was thinking off a drama class or something like that ..