Advantages/Disadvantages of Cross-Sex Friendships?

[swedeace]

Okay, other than the usual million topics I see in friendship message boards involving "I think I am in love with my friend," I'd like to read shared advantages/disadvantages of cross-sex friendships? In other words, what is a casual way of reminding a cross-sex acquaintance (not yet a friend but hoping to slowly go into a friendship - nothing romantic at all!!!) you'd like to treat them out to lunch and hang out. I understand the whole "males are close in doing" and "females are close in dialog." Yeah, yeah... so I don't want to sit and just talk with him but want to hang out at the movies or out to lunch or something. Also, any ideas of any hangouts with opposite sex friends?

I am asking because I'd like to casually remind my cross-sex friend about this. I ran into him two weeks ago and told me he still owes me an email. I'm still waiting... *taps fingers* He's a VERY busy person, but now that we are on semester break, shouldn't he have some more time (other than holiday stuff)?

I also have his cell number he gave me in September, but since we don't see each other too much or talk like we did last summer, would it seem too weird to call him?

Please, no "romance" ones because those are so common in the hetero friendships. Thanks!

Input please!!! I'd really appreciate it!!!

[Peg]

Why not when he's working on the computer, ask him if he's had lunch yet. If not, say, "You need to eat, I need to eat, so how about when you are done, we go grab a burger some where, my treat?"

[Peg]

To me, it doesn't matter if a person is male or female. A friend is a friend, nothing more, nothing less.

[Paula]

This is not my generation? I do not understand any of it...only from Sally Show or Springer? I cannot help, i hope they have fun discovering who they are? XO...

[swedeace]

Jack Sprat wrote: Why would sex make you cross?

OK - hit me for that one.
:wah: Are you kidding? Cross-sex means "opposite sex" such as a male individual befriending a female individual like a female individual befriending a male individual.

So the question is: why in real life is it more tempting to be friends with the same sex and on the Internet it matters less?
Hmm... you bring a VERY important question. I've studied some sociology (i.e. gender and friendships but there is A LOT out there), and I am curious as to what social scientists have to say about your question. It's a very interesting one!

[A Karenina]

Jack Sprat wrote: Why would sex make you cross?



OK - hit me for that one.
Funny!!! :wah:



Jack Sprat wrote: So the question is: why in real life is it more tempting to be friends with the same sex and on the Internet it matters less?
I think in real life, the male/female thing is very visible. It sits there between you, and from time to time it occurs to you that biologically your bodies are made for sex. The possibilities crop up, if that makes sense.



I'm a tomboy, and I tend to hang out with male friends a lot. They talk about cars and baseball, and I find that more relaxing than conversations about hair and makeup. Most women don't like to talk about cleaning supplies anymore, but I noticed that men get into it...like that new roombavac, the robot vacuum. Or the washer/dryer that is one unit. Too cool! I am addicted to cleaning gadgets. There is no self-help group available, I checked.



I digress, as usual. LOL.



The other day I was talking with a male friend. Out of the blue, he said, "I would be very uncomfortable if I found out you had a crush on me." Well, he's so not my type that I burst out laughing at the thought. Argh! I probably devastated his ego, which wasn't my intent...but there you go...these awkward moments come up.



The other problem I encounter with male friends is that I don't think about sex very much. I tell jokes a lot, they are often misconstrued, and then I blush. Almost 40 freaking years old, and I blush. If we're talking about yoga, then I'm thinking yoga. I don't automatically start visualizing kama sutra positions, ya know? But my male friends do...and it can be embarrassing for me.



I still treasure my friendships with my male friends, but it has a different flavor than with my female friends. I think that's normal, and healthy. But it is easier on the net because we are all sexless.

[swedeace]

A Karenina wrote: I think that's normal, and healthy. But it is easier on the net because we are all sexless.
Yeah, that's true. I was thinking about that question earlier and came to the conclusion that it's based on our commonalities with either sex.

[persephone]

My oldest and closest friend is male, this is a little different as we've been friends for 23 years now, when he was 8 he moved to Scotland and we hardly ever saw each other... We would write, but he wrote far less often than I did (before internet and mobile phones).

Even today with him now having a new baby son and a partner (who has a problem with me) we are still in touch, but can go for a couple of months without talking, and we'll both be online with MSN running.

The only time I've ever been upset is when we were 18 and he got married without inviting me or even telling me, but then at that age there's all the rival stuff going on a lot more and she would've gone mad, so even though I tease him about it, I've forgiven him for it.

I have never worried about him not replying to letters, emails or even text messages, it's the way he is, he's male. Christmas day he called me, on my birthday he'll call and when we need each other we'll both be there for each other.

We keep our relationship plutonic but at the same time we tease each other and mess around in what is often said to be an inapropriate way. That's how we are though, "child hood sweethearts" our parents tell us.

So my advice is, keep emailing him, telling him your news etc. Men don't always answer but it doesn't mean they don't want to be friends, they just don't do gossip as well as women. If he talks on the phone (proper conversation I mean) then give him a call once in a while.

[minks]

Well if he is simply a friend you ought to have no troubles just calling him up and asking him to do something with you or just have a chat. It becomes more complex when it is seen as more than "just friends" Go for it jump in and ask him for a meal or coffee or drink, or opinion etc. He is your friend you can ask him just about anything.

[abbey]

My best friend is my ex boyfriend, we are more like family now i am pretty good friends with his now girlfriend although it's always difficult at first until they realise that we are just friends & nothing else.

I can talk to him in the same way i can any of my female friends, the only difference is he can be a little lazy at getting in touch, which is fine as he knows i am always here if he needs a chat or has any problems & vice-versa.

Not many of my girlfriends can understand how we can possibly have a platonic relationship but all i can say is it works for us and has done for 11 years.

[swedeace]

minks wrote: Well if he is simply a friend you ought to have no troubles just calling him up and asking him to do something with you or just have a chat. It becomes more complex when it is seen as more than "just friends" Go for it jump in and ask him for a meal or coffee or drink, or opinion etc. He is your friend you can ask him just about anything.
Thanks for your words/advice, Minks! My problem is that *I* consider him a friend, but it seems he still considers me as just an acquaintance, apparently. :-2 I have "jumped in" on various occassions since July 2004 by initiating hangouts or a lunch outing, and he always says, "Oh yeah. Sure." And then he told when he is less busy because he is such a busy person and very difficult to get a hold of. Now that we are in our four-week Christmas vacation before the Spring semester begins on the 10th of January, I'd like to contact him somehow to hang out. Surely, I've heard about how friendships taking a slow period of time to develop, so this would be a nice time during the semester break.

More to come soon....

[abbey]

Swedeace maybe you're just trying too hard, in my experience friendships just happen, you should'nt have to work at making a friendship develop.

Maybe this guy thinks that you are attracted to him & so he's shying away from any form of relationship with you, try leaving it a while & if he gets in touch with you then maybe you could like Karenina show him that your feelings are just platonic & nothing more.

If a guy seemed to be pushing to hard for friendship from me i would begin to wonder if he had an ulterior motive ( but then i can be a little paranoid!!) :rolleyes:

[swedeace]

letha wrote: So my advice is, keep emailing him, telling him your news etc. Men don't always answer but it doesn't mean they don't want to be friends, they just don't do gossip as well as women. If he talks on the phone (proper conversation I mean) then give him a call once in a while.
Thanks so much, Letha! Your friendship situation with your male friend is so inspiring! My only difficulty is that he just thinks of me as just an acquaintance, so I am in hopes we can talk/hang out in order to shift into a standing friendship.

I know what you mean about finding those "special" friends. Friendships are just too valuable.

I met up with him at his job on Thursday to drop off a roll of undeveloped film, so we had a chance to talk for a while. He told me he's been working for 55 hours during the Christmas weeks off from school. I told him that was a lot of hours to be working! I’m guessing he’s working a lot of overtime. We talked about his degree and graduating this semester, classes, our grades, and the bachelor's degree info I have (since it’s part of my uni major). He’s going to take a break from school for a while because he’s tired of going to school and wants to work fulltime. He’s been looking for fulltime jobs. There was even a customer who came in, but he continued talking with me because there was another co-worker of his whom she could attend to the customer. That was cool! If he didn’t want to chat, he would’ve said, “Oh, there’s a customer. I gotta get to work.” He didn’t! It was so nice chatting because it's difficult to catch him for a while to talk unlike last summer! It felt a bit like the summer era.

Unfortunately, I couldn't stay *too* long because I had to go back home and give the car to my sister because she had to enter work. It would've been nice at that time to ask if he was on break to have some coffee or juice and just chit-chat or something.

I asked him how his Christmas was, and he said, "Oh, it was okay" in a bit of a hesitation. I felt bad thinking maybe his Christmas wasn't too good, as it sounded like from his response.

So, again, he wanted to give me a discount, but I refused. He still gave it to me and said, "It's all right. I never get to give it to anyone, so it goes to waste." I really hated to give in. It just makes me feel quite guilty. I mean, he is just trying to be friendly. He never second-guesses me (i.e. never wonders why I visited him a couple of times at his job to just chit-chat and just knows I want to drop off film). I was starting to be paranoid he’ll think I’m taking advantage or something, but that’s not true. I’m learning he’s not thinking that at all. That's just his nature. He's just really nice, and that just makes me want his friendship.

During our conversation, I could see he opened up to me about some of his job and academic persuasions. Not just about those, but he seemed open about his goals and his progressions that I feel would be a little difficult to talk about with just anyone. Maybe it’s just my perception and just wasn’t that confidential, but I hope he gives that trust and confidence in me. It’s a beginning for people trust, I guess.

I gave him my numbers again and told him I’d like to hang out with him before the semester begins (it’ll be busy for us once it begins), but I forgot to ask him when the photos would be ready! Today it’s close, I’m sure. Maybe they’ll be ready tomorrow, so I hope he’ll call me to let me know and also call me to see when he can hang out next week.

I just see his busy schedule being the barrier of this slow-progressing friendship. I just have to keep giving him space. As the saying goes, “To make a friend, you must be a friend.” I had to think of that at the back of my mind and show him I am giving him space. However, “visibility” is the key to forming possible friendships. People must be visible so each other remembers and keeps in mind of the other person for that friendship formation.

I am just going to wait for him to contact me. I have yet to get the phone call that my photos are ready, so I should just invite him to have some juice or coffee. I just hope he'll make some time.

Okay, I’m rambling… :rolleyes: Sorry....

[capt_buzzard]

The Animals do too :wah:

[Wednesday's Child]

Swedeace

I agree with the posters who wrote that keeping it simple is the best way for you.

Friendships over a long period of time change and morph depending upon the life situations of the friends themselves and often have absences which create a different kind of friendship when separated over long distances.

A friend is a friend and these days a good friend is becoming extinct....cherish what you have and don't dissect the friendship....just continue to nourish it...without trying to explain it or push it into "words".

Regarding the gender variation of the friendship - I see great learning can come from it - understanding the opposite sex - asking questions - finding out how males/females handle different situations. There can be many benefits for you!

You are very lucky - just enjoy it!

[capt_buzzard]

Wednesday's Child wrote: Swedeace

I agree with the posters who wrote that keeping it simple is the best way for you.

Friendships over a long period of time change and morph depending upon the life situations of the friends themselves and often have absences which create a different kind of friendship when separated over long distances.

A friend is a friend and these days a good friend is becoming extinct....cherish what you have and don't dissect the friendship....just continue to nourish it...without trying to explain it or push it into "words".

Regarding the gender variation of the friendship - I see great learning can come from it - understanding the opposite sex - asking questions - finding out how males/females handle different situations. There can be many benefits for you!

You are very lucky - just enjoy it! I still love at aged 57. Looking forward to 87 :wah:

[Wednesday's Child]

Capt

Good for you! Do people age like fine wine? (Get better I mean).

[capt_buzzard]

Wednesday's Child wrote: Capt

Good for you! Do people age like fine wine? (Get better I mean). OOOOh Yes. It does get better with age. You're All The Time In The World. :guitarist

[persephone]

capt_buzzard wrote: OOOOh Yes. It does get better with age. You're All The Time In The World. :guitarist
I'm beginning to wonder if you are talking about people or something else in that answer

Oh and just to say, my friend and I are still aged 8 years old when we are together or chatting on the phone, we fight and act inapproprietly for our ages, just like 8 year olds do... It's a bit like being stuck in a time warp... I blame this on the distance between us as we grew up, so now the only way we know how to interact with each other is the way we used to as children. Have to say we do still have our grown up moments, every so often :-6

[weeder]

I loved one of my best friends (A MALE) privately for more than 20 years. He loved me too. We were both married and having our children . There was a gap of a few years when we werent in touch. 10 years ago I received one of the happiest phone calls from him. We got togrther to have lunch, and discovered we were both divorced. Needless to say... Im sure you know..... we got together. That first summer was one of the happiest times of my life. We stayed together for 6 years.

It didnt work out. We were two totally different people. We broke up 4 years ago.

We dont talk at all. I miss him still. I lost him as my friend. I guess its one of those things where something appeals to you, because you have an image of what it is..... but you dont really know. I wish I would have just left it as a frienship... Thats actually more valuable to me now, than what we tried to have

as a couple. Hindsight. Painful mistakes. Thats the game of life.