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pattybug52
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Post by pattybug52 »

If Friends with benefits is a mistress situation-like you have the boyfriend-he keeps your rent paid, etc-think again.I went thru that-every holiday never saw or heard from him even tho he insisted they were not REAL man and wife. I even babysat for his kids-when I first met him he was separated but the bills and house payment became tooo much and he moved back. He got jealous if I even had a friendship with a fellow employee at the hotel I worked at, but I was never allowed to get jealous over him still living with her-and of course they were still having sex too. I was more lonely in that situation than any other one I have been in-you are stuck in the middle-no committments and never know when he will call and you cannot call his home. The holidays were the worst-so alone and if your family knows about him, they kind of ignore you too. Think twice before doing it!
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Peg
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Post by Peg »

Even if he is going through a divorce, which I would doubt, the fact remains he is not divorced. Good way to get your name dragged through the mud in court.
Babs
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Post by Babs »

What exactly does 'friend with benefits' mean? If pattybug's definition is correct, don't think about it twice .......... don't think about it at all!

And, why would you want to complicate your life by becoming involved with someone who will soon be going through a divorce (may or may not be true)?

Also, becoming financially dependent on someone gives them control of your life. Is this something you really would want?

Good luck :)



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Post by Babs »

I guess we need an explanation of what 'friend with benefits' means. I have never heard the term before. So glad it doesn't involve financial dependency with anyone.

But, the advice about not getting involved with a married man still stands. Otherwise, it appears you have a lot going for you and heading in the right direction, for sure.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, but without further explanation, I will still be in the dark.

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pattybug52
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Post by pattybug52 »

ya even if he is getting a divorce-wait at least 6 mos AFTER the divorce before you stat seeing each other-you don't want to be "caught on the rebound syndrome". You have your life going real good-don't get caught up in someone elses problems-they can drag you down with them.
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Suresh Gupta
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Post by Suresh Gupta »

nicolenyj222 wrote: I think the most important thing for a woman especially is to become someone on her own then have someone to share it with who is hopefully just as successful as they are.


You have yourself answered your question. You are on your own and that is the most important aspect of your life. Keep it up. Is it really necessary to share your life with someone whom you do not really know? Why are you in so much hurry? Live on your own for sometime. Try to discover yourself. I am an Indian and we have a system of arranged marriage. In this system, in addition to two individuals two families are also being united. This family and social commitment keep our marriage intact. Marriage is not a short term contract. It is relationship for life.
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Peg
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Post by Peg »

Suresh Gupta wrote: You have yourself answered your question. You are on your own and that is the most important aspect of your life. Keep it up. Is it really necessary to share your life with someone whom you do not really know? Why are you in so much hurry? Live on your own for sometime. Try to discover yourself. I am an Indian and we have a system of arranged marriage. In this system, in addition to two individuals two families are also being united. This family and social commitment keep our marriage intact. Marriage is not a short term contract. It is relationship for life.


You still have arranged marriages? I'm very interested in how that works. What if you and your intended can't stand each other? There's bound to be some personallity clashes. What is the divorce rate of arranged marriages compared to non arranged marriages I wonder.
pattybug52
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Post by pattybug52 »

Thanks Peg I was also curious about that. If the marriage isn't working out do you still stay together no matter what? Are the arranged marriages like 90% of the population?
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Suresh Gupta
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Post by Suresh Gupta »

Peg wrote: You still have arranged marriages? I'm very interested in how that works. What if you and your intended can't stand each other? There's bound to be some personallity clashes. What is the divorce rate of arranged marriages compared to non arranged marriages I wonder.


Yes, majority of marriages taking place in India are arranged marriages. In fact, arranged marriages are the strength of Indian society. Divorce rate in arranged marriages is very small, almost neglible. There are many factors which keep these marriages intact. Family and social commitments require respect for elders. No partner will like to be seen breaking the marriage. Whenever there are any personality clashes these are sorted out in a majority of cases by giving in to the wishes of the other partner. In india no man or woman is considerd complete unless they unite in marriage.

As far as non-arranged marriages are concerned the situation is quite similar to arranged marriages. After the non-arranged marriage most of the the families accept it and then it becomes an arranged marriage. The divorce rate is little higher in these cases, but it is beacuse of ego clash. But whenever both partners are ready to take counsel of elders such ego clash is also sorted out. The magic mantra in Indian society is respect for elders. Once you respect your elders it will be very difficult to disobey them. Giving is more important than taking. Let one adopt this principle and no marriage will break, in India or elsewhere in the world.
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Bill Sikes
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Post by Bill Sikes »

nicolenyj222 wrote: I am a smart and intelligent young woman who has great morals and I know that I should already know the answer to this question but for some reason it is just sticking out to me.


You already know the answer, yet you're still tempted.... if I were you, I wouldn't

touch this with a barge-pole.
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Post by Babs »

It appears Blah and Bill have an understanding of what 'friend with benefits' is all about. I asked for the definition and received no reply. I have never heard this term and honestly don't have a clue what advice she was seeking.

Does it possibly mean being involved with someone for sex only with no strings attached? If sex is involved, it's ok to tell me ........ my old heart can take it. :D

Now, if I am correct, I cannot fathom anyone taking such a suggestion seriously enough to feel the need to seek advice on a forum.

But, then I am not 19 ..... still naive, too trusting and cannot see the future beyond tomorrow. And, in a way, this is necessary. Mistakes and bad decisions when young actually can make you a better person ....... as long as you learn from them.

Babs
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Bill Sikes
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Post by Bill Sikes »

Babs wrote: It appears Blah and Bill have an understanding of what 'friend with benefits' is all about. I asked for the definition and received no reply. I have never heard this term and honestly don't have a clue what advice she was seeking.


I don't know exactly what it is, but I too am guessing it's shagging. Maybe some

gain by the female party, probably financial. Effectively whoring dressed up IMO.

However, I've got a few morals myself, and may be over-reacting, or just wrong.

It seems foolhardy to mess about with a married person of either sex, though.
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Bill Sikes
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Post by Bill Sikes »

blahh65432 wrote: " Personaly Any guy that says i want to be :" Friends with benefits" is only after the piece of the lady's pie.


I've never heard it called a lady's pie before! How quaint!
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Suresh Gupta
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Post by Suresh Gupta »

Babs wrote: It appears Blah and Bill have an understanding of what 'friend with benefits' is all about. I asked for the definition and received no reply. I have never heard this term and honestly don't have a clue what advice she was seeking.

Does it possibly mean being involved with someone for sex only with no strings attached? If sex is involved, it's ok to tell me ........ my old heart can take it. :D

Now, if I am correct, I cannot fathom anyone taking such a suggestion seriously enough to feel the need to seek advice on a forum.

But, then I am not 19 ..... still naive, too trusting and cannot see the future beyond tomorrow. And, in a way, this is necessary. Mistakes and bad decisions when young actually can make you a better person ....... as long as you learn from them.Babs


I think 'friend with benefits' means that a person is seeking friendship of another person to gain some benefits, in cash or kind. Such relationship can not be termed friendship. It is cheating, it is criminal, as one partner might be serious whereas other partner is only interested in benefits arising out of this relationship. At 19 one should be very careful, not-too trusty and should think twice before taking a decision before starting an intimate relationship. Sometimes miatakes and bad decisions spoil the entire life. Life is a beatiful gift of God. One should not gamble with it.
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Suresh Gupta
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Post by Suresh Gupta »

pattybug52 wrote: If the marriage isn't working out do you still stay together no matter what?


My answer to your question is NO. But before you finally take a decision that marriage is not working properly, you must try everything possible to save the marriage. Successful marriages are the strength of any society. If marriages start breaking up in large numbers then it should be taken as an indication that society is also breaking up. If you consider yourself a responsible member of the society then it is your duty to save the marriage and for this an attitude of give and take should be adopted. And in this effort 'give' is more than the 'take'.
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koan
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Post by koan »

After the criticism I got from Bill on the last cheater thread I answered...I was hesitant to enter into this debate. Not much of a debate, really. No one has said go for it...including me. There is something fake about this guy. If he is getting divorced, is he separated? If not, WHY not? It takes a year to get divorced after separation so, if he is really keen to end it, why has he not started now? If he has made this step then you might be able to help each other, even if you are BOTH in rebound mode. It is nice to be with someone you consider a friend when you are feeling vulnerable. But I don't think he has taken any separation steps because my intuition is that he is playing you.

Friend with privileges, also known as "F@#* Buddy" means they have the "privilege" of being naked with you as well as being friends. It's just a friendlier way of saying it...but a friend who asks for this privilege is probably had fantasies about you that they can't just shrug off. Usually best left as fantasy. Will he still be your friend if you say no? If he puts a concerted effort into talking you into it, there is probably not enough respect there and he values the privilege more than the friendship.

If he's getting divorced, be his supportive friend while he goes through it then discuss privileges after he is separated. As Bill knows, I am not set against relationships with married people...but I don't think this guy is who you think he is.
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Suresh Gupta
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Post by Suresh Gupta »

Louise wrote: Hey

As someone who's just recently had a "friend with benefits" type of relationship, I'm interested to see how your situation pans out. We recently ended the "arrangment" for about the third time :) as it wasn't an equal relationship. We both wanted fun and sex with no strings and we were also good mates ... we still are good mates. If two people go into this type of set up with the exact same ideas and no hidden agendas it will work. The only problem is, you can never know for sure what the other person thinks or feels towards you or their true motivations. Even sitting down and working out a "plan" is never a guarantee they really are on the same page as you.

I'm 21 and my "friend with benefits" is 28. Neither of us have really been in a long term relationship so it's not as complicated as your situation. I can't imagine what kind of fall out you would get from your screw buddy with a wife and kids. So i suppose this is a case of weighing up what could possibly go wrong against what you gain from the "arrangement".

It's hard to say no when sex is on offer. As young women there's a lot of pressure for us to "have it all" and it's very hard to know exactly what we want and what we need. My advice? Don't get involved. I know you will because even after my "arrangment" broke up i'm still left wanting to have that arrangement back again and i'm not sure i've learnt my lesson. But seriously, just don't go there. Especially with such a complicated situation ... you'll just have to trust me on this which is near impossible to do :) Good luck and let me know how you go


Interesting. In your case, both of you are "friends with benefit".
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beautyful
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Post by beautyful »

we have a very different name where I come from for what I think you're talking about and I say why not....as long as it is on your terms, everyone needs companionship and support, something this guy is offering and I'm not talking financial support, we also call that something else!!! a woman should not rely on a man to pay for her but if this is gonna be two people who like each other having fun together, why not?
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Suresh Gupta
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Post by Suresh Gupta »

Olly wrote: I'm not really qualified to speak on this issue, however I think that a long-term, loving partnership is preferable to just sex. As much as we are physical beings, everybody needs companionship and (of course) love. :)


You are right.
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weeder
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Post by weeder »

Dont get involved with anyone married Nicole. There is no need to describe,analyse? { Its 4am and my spelling is still sleeping} discuss. or torture yourself over it. Married means unavailable period. It is a sure road to walk to a big painful messy disaster. Any man who is willing to do so, basically has major

character flaws. One big lesson Ive learned. and observed in life is that there should be this rule...woman #2 should always speak to woman#1. There are 2

sides to every story. His is usually a bunch of**************
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weeder
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Post by weeder »

PS i forgot a 26 year old dad with a young child recruiting a 19 year old...

does not have your best interests in mind, and surely doesnt have too much on the ball. By the way I am older.... much older. This advice is what I would give to my daughter, or a friend
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A Karenina
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Post by A Karenina »

Olly wrote: I'm not really qualified to speak on this issue,
No? Whyever not?



Olly wrote: ...however I think that a long-term, loving partnership is preferable to just sex. As much as we are physical beings, everybody needs companionship and (of course) love. :)
The second part of your quote proves the first part wrong. You seem immensely qualified to me - and if we have no idea of what we want in a relationship, we'll fall for any old thing. :)



Nicole, I'm very old so I get to answer you. LOL.



What's in it for you? Don't think of fairy tale dreams, of emotional bonding, and Cinderella. Think more of being ignored, babysitting, doing favors, and having sex only IF and WHEN he has the time and the inclination.



Then think of your values and of your own worth. You will choose to follow whichever means more to you ~ fairy tales or a belief in yourself.



Warm hugs.

AK
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.

Aristotle
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Suresh Gupta
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Post by Suresh Gupta »

Marsue3417 wrote: ......I am 23 years old and am still married after four years. I know that divorce is in our future........


Is it a normal practice in your society for girls to marry at such young age? Also is it a general belief about divorce?
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samanthaguy
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Post by samanthaguy »

I Dont Think You Should Do It . Sex Is Very Powerful. If You Do Go For It And Its Not What You Expect What Then? You Said You And This Guy Were Friends And Most Of The Time Sex With Friends Dosent Work. Or Think About It This Way, What If You Fall In Love With Him And He Has No Feelings For You Then You Are Going To Be Hurt Even More Because You Are Going To Feel Cheap And Used. Just Think About It You Are Only Human And Have Needs. Good Luck
:confused:VERY OPEN MINDED....BUT OFTEN CONFUSED......
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Bill Sikes
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Post by Bill Sikes »

Oi! Olly! That was a *long* 'ollyday!
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