Assisted Death

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 9:57 am

I don't even know where to put this, I am not grieving I am just needing to get this off my chest. Be warned I may ramble...

My husbands Aunt is in the hospital, she has terminal cancer, 3 kinds in fact, bone being 1 kind and it is extremely painful for her.

2 weeks ago she opted for assisted death. Paperwork is all in place, and tomorrow she meets her maker (so to speak). She told my husband 2 weeks ago, she is in so much pain, and does not want to linger and does not want to burden anyone. She also told him... she has many regrets.

I have never dealt with assisted death, and it just seems so awkward to me. I understand she made the right choice, as I am very pro quality of life, and her family is all on board, and have all accepted this. (for some members this is a blessing to see her go as she truly was a not nice person).

I am not close to her by any means, nor is my husband (extremely messed up family).

I think what bothers me with all this is the fact her last words to my husband were "I have regrets" I know these are not regrets on dying, these are regrets on how she treated people while she lived. (including him). She never offered up a sorry to anyone she even went as far as to bash one of her daughter-in-laws just a couple days ago.

Then on the flip side, when we visited last night there sat beside her a niece who's mother passed away earlier this year. The sad thing with that... the nieces mom (this aunts younger sister) was pushed out of the family decades ago, and when she passed earlier this year not one family member besides my husband and I attended her funeral service.

Very messed up family for sure.

So yes very emotional mess to be honest.

I think where I intended to go with this is this assisted death issue.

I am glad this aunt has made her mind up to end her suffering. I am saddened by all the anger and hatred and regrets (though it is not my family and I am not close to these people.)

I am also saddened for my husband as he has lost 5 out of 10 family members on this side of the family in 8 years. All together 7 of 10 siblings have passed away now, most from Cancer.

But back to the assisted death, it just feels very uncomfortable knowing tomorrow she will be leaving us forever, and tough to focus on the fact this will be the Aunts release from her misery. (though if you die with regrets are you dying happily or do these pass on with you I wonder)

This is just really unfamiliar to me and I just had to unload.

I have to keep reminding myself this is for the better.

My husband's family has had so many deaths they all just take this in stride. I have had very few and death to me is a real tragic affair and a date with death seems so foreign. <really bad word but I don't know how else to explain the feelings.

Ok enough rambling. Thanks for just letting me unload.

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 10:54 am

A tragic affair indeed but, to my mind, her call and one I would agree with.

I think the regrets she feels are a different issue - if she's been a bitch throughout her life and now truely regrets it then it's for her to make her peace with people before she goes and knowing the date and time of her going gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 10:56 am

Minks

unload any time you need.

I wasn't aware one could choose a assisted death.

Reading your story - I take the unspoken regrets are upsetting more so than Her choice of dying.

I've had several family members pass - I thank God I had the opportunity to talk - unload.

I had a Aunt who was nothing but trouble - rude. I didn't attend her funeral - no regrets.

Does your husband have issues to talk about with her - today's the day?

Your hurting for your husband & the mess this Aunt made for years - I'm so sorry.

Her passing will be a blessing to all & she knows it.

Patsy

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 10:57 am

I AGREE Bryn.

I am happy she has the choice to end her pain and suffering.

Sad she leaves behind a lot of pain for others, and sad she won't apologize and I sincerely hope in the afterlife she does not suffer for her bad treatment of others.

I guess in the end in her mind as long as her 2 sons are ok, nobody else matters.

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 12:02 pm

minks;1523546 wrote: I AGREE Bryn.

I am happy she has the choice to end her pain and suffering.

Sad she leaves behind a lot of pain for others, and sad she won't apologize and I sincerely hope in the afterlife she does not suffer for her bad treatment of others.

I guess in the end in her mind as long as her 2 sons are ok, nobody else matters.

Sad - I never have understood that attitude in people

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 12:43 pm

Patsy,

No my husband has no issues with her, he always knew what she was like, and she never really created a problem for him fortunately. But he never let his guard down around her to be hurt by any of them. This aunt in particular married a supremely abusive man, and I feel in his aunts defense she became who she was out of self preservation, she was very mean to almost everyone.

My husbands whole family on his moms side grew up poorer than dirt and they would have slit each others throats if it meant they could get ahead.

I also forgot, yes here we do have "assisted death". I don't know a whole lot about it I just know she has made all the arrangements with a specialized Dr. to come in and she will receive a lethal cocktail of some sort (injection) and will no longer suffer.

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 12:46 pm

Bryn, again I agree.

I am so blessed to have a very loving family that stems back many generations.

Family is everything to all of us.

Including my husband

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:28 pm

Minks

we don't have assisted death - Dr.'s will put the terminally ill into a medically induced comma. I'm glad there is a choice to assist as I don't think anyone should tolerate the extreme pain that goes along with the illness.

She said she had regrets - Perhaps that statement wasn't easy for her to admit and that was her "sorry".

I would avoid my Aunt - as I wouldn't allow her negative attitude around me - and I was named after her.. LOL

Sad situation

Take Care

Patsy

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Tue Jun 25, 2019 8:22 am

I'm so sorry to hear this, Minks. My mother died of assisted death as well.She had advanced ALS and her body had basically shut down. She was unable to speak, chew, move, or swallow and was on the verge of being unable to breathe. In California, the doctors gave her as much morphine as she needed to be comfortable...and then she passed away quietly with her family around her.

To me, that is death with dignity and honor.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Jun 25, 2019 8:32 am

AWE how awful for your mom to have suffered as long as she had.

I agree, this IS death with dignity. This is what Husbands Aunt wanted as well. When the quality of life turns to utter crap, it is good to know there is the option of ending it sooner than later. I believe today there will be a series of 4 injections, and she will be gone. She was very sedated Sunday when we saw her, and really was unawares she was going to be passing which is a blessing of course because one never wants one to doubt their decision to end their life once they committed.

It is the finality of it all that I find unsettling I think.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Wed Jun 26, 2019 6:02 am

minks;1523566 wrote: AWE how awful for your mom to have suffered as long as she had.

I agree, this IS death with dignity. This is what Husbands Aunt wanted as well. When the quality of life turns to utter crap, it is good to know there is the option of ending it sooner than later. I believe today there will be a series of 4 injections, and she will be gone. She was very sedated Sunday when we saw her, and really was unawares she was going to be passing which is a blessing of course because one never wants one to doubt their decision to end their life once they committed.

It is the finality of it all that I find unsettling I think.

Yeah, death is a bitch no matter who it happens too.

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Wed Jun 26, 2019 7:17 am

YZGI;1523578 wrote: Yeah, death is a bitch no matter who it happens too.

It's only a bitch for the living survivors. We feel bad because we miss them. To the dead, it's blessed relief from pain, fear, and stress.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 26, 2019 1:33 pm

Saint_;1523584 wrote: It's only a bitch for the living survivors. We feel bad because we miss them. To the dead, it's blessed relief from pain, fear, and stress.

It is a tough one for sure.

In my upbringing death was mourned, lots of crying, lots of sadness, lots of embracing the sadness and grief, that was how it was done. It is so final (or so we left behind are lead to believe)

I try hard to be a bit more "new age" and see it as a relief to the individual who has passed, and to accept they will no longer suffer (or so we are led to believe).

I think with the passing of this particular Aunt I feel a little bit more in touch with the "relief" of it all. She spoke of ending it, and the relief, and how she did not want to carry on in pain, and be the burden etc.

Maybe it is about the levels of death. Sudden death, infant/child death, versus old age, and illness death??

Some are just easier to accept than others I guess.

Post by **spot** » Wed Jun 26, 2019 2:18 pm

Back when there used to be Christians, all the pain and suffering as the end approached added brownie points to fend off the eternity in hellfire scenario. That point of view seems to be on a downturn since the species invented science.

You had a rough week of it minksy, what with this and a break-in. What sort of perspective shift you'll get as time goes by I don't know, but things do look different when you can manage to look back on them. You can always keep returning to the thread and chipping away at it.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 26, 2019 2:37 pm

Thanks Spot

Time always offers up a change of perspective, good way of putting it.

I am already laughing at our break-in incident.

Get this (almost 3 weeks later, closer to 4 really) next week, we get to go look at a photo line up... WHAT?? 4 weeks after the fact? hold on a second, I am old, just how good do they think my memory is lol. However my perspective of that mess, I know now what I would do differently.

Lucky for mister Minks and I, we have next week off and get to relax, and with luck it will be a good week, incident free.

cars · Post by **cars** » Wed Jun 26, 2019 3:41 pm

Sad situation minks, sorry for you.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Jun 27, 2019 7:38 am

thanks Cars

magentaflame · Post by **magentaflame** » Sat Jul 06, 2019 2:46 pm

hmmmmm....thinking......

Sorry minks sounds like an awful situation. we have legal assisted death but it's not the morphine one. it's a little box of a lethal substance the patient delivers to themselves. In hospital or at home.( When they feel like it.) I'm all for it . but the thought that I'd tell others the actual date ? not sure I would do that. Not even sure I'd tell anyone I opted for it . To me that would be like waiting around for an execution date, i don't think that would be kind to others. I'm also not sure I like the idea of others elsewhere checking their watch to see if I'm dead yet.

but to each there own I guess. As for the statement " I have regrets" .... maybe that IS the apology? she acknowledges something?

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jul 08, 2019 11:01 am

Thanks Magenta.

It was weird waiting to hear about when she was going to pass. A date with Death.

But the good thing about how it is done here, is they load you up with Morphine so your brain is not aware you have a date with death, then the Dr. comes in and inserts a needle into the IV and off you go.

It was peaceful, and she no longer suffers, she was in a hella lot of pain. This is the blessing to have that option to die with dignity.

magentaflame · Post by **magentaflame** » Mon Jul 08, 2019 2:43 pm

Totally with the dying with dignity thing.

condolences to the family

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:28 am

In scotland they do the same - put someone in a drug induced coma so they pass away peacefully but that is if someone is near death and has maybe just a few days left and will die soon anyway with or without help but it means the last few days are agony free.

Assisted is something being discussed just now with billl before parliament and the religious doing their best to shut down discussion ,their main concern seeming to be vulnerable people will be talked in to killing themselves by greedy relatives or so they won't be a burden to their family. which imo says a lot about the way they think. Suicide is only a mortal sin if you happen to believe it is

What do you do when someone has months or even years to live but has, for example, a degenerative condition that means they will be trapped inside a dying body. The decision should be up to them and should be one they can make. Watching a loved one suffer and die gives you a different perspective the only ones making any decisionshould be the individual and IMMEDIATE close family.

On a personal note I know a damn site more about end of life care than I ever wanted to. My admiration for those who work in hospices is immense - it's not something i could do.

magentaflame · Post by **magentaflame** » Thu Jul 11, 2019 6:33 pm

There are so many safe guards in place here it'd be easier to just take a bottle of pills. Which in the end most do anyway .

there is no immediate or close family decisions made in our legislation. It is all down tot he individual. no one else can sign no one else can help. And you have to have complete mental stability to "choose". They have given wider scope for people with neuro degenerative conditions though.

magentaflame · Post by **magentaflame** » Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:42 pm

They've just confirmed this morning that a 61 year old woman is the first to use our new laws. It's just a glass of liquid medication.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-08-04/ ... w/11382332

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:24 pm

Similar to how my mother went. Death with dignity. I'm having trouble reconciling it wit suicide though...

Post by **spot** » Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:53 am

Saint_;1524220 wrote: Similar to how my mother went. Death with dignity. I'm having trouble reconciling it wit suicide though...

Without wishing to detract from the thread - I'm just interested in the answer...

If the civil process is death with dignity and pain-free, why does the American legal system insist on torturing inmates at execution with their drawn-out series of injections which appear designed to firstly prevent all muscle response and subsequently induce a massively painful heart attack? If that's the most humane death the American State can devise you'd think it would be suitable for "death with dignity" too, wouldn't you?

And if it's not, could the inmates have the same drink instead please? As at least an option? Or is the design of execution these days deliberately intended to inflict pain and terror.

Why anyone wants to die by having the body respond to chemical poisoning I have no idea. A nitrogen booth is completely pain-free and as close to immediate and gentle as anyone could hope for.

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Mon Aug 05, 2019 2:39 am

Spot, this isnâ€™t a political thread. Itâ€™s personal. Don't be disrepectful or Iâ€™ll have to punch you in your virtual nose. Intellect or no intellect.