Empathy

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:15 am

I get an email newsletter regularly from communications guru, Dr. Tony Alessandra. His latest is titled "Empathy." I think it's a good read.

The root of the word empathy is PATHOS - the Greek word for feeling. SYMpathy means acknowledging the feelings of someone else as in "I sympathize with you." EMpathy is a term for a deeper feeling. It means "I feel what you feel. I can put myself in your shoes." Sympathy results in kindness and sometimes pity.

Empathy results in actually feeling the pain, or the joy, of the other person.

You can see how the willingness to be flexible comes more easily when you can put yourself in the other person's shoes. Empathy is a key skill taught in negotiating. William Ury, in his book, Getting Past No, makes the point that every human being has a deep need for his or her feelings to be recognized. Knowing this can help tremendously in a difficult negotiation by creating a climate for agreement.

Ury counsels that it's important to acknowledge both the factual point, and the feelings of the other person. He uses the example of an employee approaching a boss. The employee says: "I just found out Dale makes two thousand dollars more a year than I do for the same job." Trying to explain why Dale makes more money, even if the reason is a good one, only makes the employee angrier. Instead, you must acknowledge the fact and the feelings first: "You think we're taking advantage of you and you're angry. I can understand that. I'd probably feel the same way."

That isn't what an angry person expects. By acknowledging the employee's feelings, you've helped him calm down. His next statement might be:"Well, why shouldn't I make as much as Dale does?" That shows he's ready to hear your explanation.

The feeling of empathy is much easier to come by when you care about the other person and take the time to feel what they're feeling. In the worlds of business, politics, or the professions, that feeling of empathy may not come as easily.

All the great teachers of empathy for others start with the same point: You cannot truly feel the pain or the joy or the emotion of another until you're able to feel the same thing in yourself. Do you acknowledge your own pain? Can you feel your own joy? Real empathy lies in simply finding the same place within yourself that the other person is experiencing. You might not have had exactly the same experience but you've known the sadness of loss or the anger of feeling cheated, or the sense of righteousness at injustice. Some of us don't take the time to feel our own feelings, so when someone else expresses a feeling, we don't have much to refer to.

Let me give you another tip. Sometimes we can share a deep feeling vicariously through reading a great novel or seeing a powerful movie. If you're on a steady diet of action movies, they don't usually dwell on individual feelings. You might want to take the time to broaden your reading and viewing habits.

Men are being encouraged to express and share their feelings more these days through the efforts of Robert Bly and others - and not just soft, vulnerable feelings, but feelings of anger and frustration as well. You might be concerned that expressing a caring approach toward another person will result in the other person manipulating you. This isn't about abdicating your own needs or point of view. It simply means that you're able to step into the shoes of another and acknowledge their feelings. Having that ability is an asset. You can always wear your own shoes, and you do most of the time.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 9:05 am

So why is Dale making more money ?

Whats so great about Dale ?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 9:07 am

Nomad;764937 wrote: So why is Dale making more money ?

Whats so great about Dale ?
I'm sorry, I'm just not feelin' ya.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 9:07 am

But yes, its good to slow down and step outside of ourselves. It provides perspective and offers us the chance to exhale and listen. Good for everyone.

Thank you, I think Ill try harder.

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 9:52 am

It definitely works.

I had a conflict with someone recently that started with the person being absolutely furious with me. I immediately acknowledge the justification for the anger and it pretty much dissolved instantly. We then had a great discussion and both ended up happier.

Reflecting on my "real life" conflicts, the times when conflict isn't resolved right away are the times when I wish to remain in conflict.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:04 am

koan;764967 wrote: It definitely works.

I had a conflict with someone recently that started with the person being absolutely furious with me. I immediately acknowledge the justification for the anger and it pretty much dissolved instantly. We then had a great discussion and both ended up happier.

Reflecting on my "real life" conflicts, the times when conflict isn't resolved right away are the times when I wish to remain in conflict.

What about conflict for the sake of conflict ?

Where does that fit in ?

You know, like when you pm me out of the blue and say things like "hey you bastard why dont you just shut your mouth because no one is listening anyway"

What about that kind of conflict ?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:06 am

koan;764967 wrote: It definitely works.

I had a conflict with someone recently that started with the person being absolutely furious with me. I immediately acknowledge the justification for the anger and it pretty much dissolved instantly. We then had a great discussion and both ended up happier.

Reflecting on my "real life" conflicts, the times when conflict isn't resolved right away are the times when I wish to remain in conflict.

I watch that in my classroom. My kids will, either purposely or not, set themselves up for conflict with someone they have issues with. Once or twice I've been able to point it out to a kid successfully.

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:13 am

Nomad;764980 wrote: What about conflict for the sake of conflict ?

Where does that fit in ?

You know, like when you pm me out of the blue and say things like "hey you bastard why dont you just shut your mouth because no one is listening anyway"

What about that kind of conflict ?

Those are the amusing type that I have decided to perpetuate. :wah:

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:55 am

rjwould;765009 wrote: This tread has become priceless..
Good. So you have something to add about empathy?