My heart broke

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 5:56 pm

I saw her sitting in the Wal-Mart pharmacy.

"I love you," she said.

Her eyes were haunted, lost, scared to death. They were begging me.

"I love you," she said again.

"Hello dear," I responded. She seemed surprised that I responded.

"I love you. Please help me. I love you."

I hadn't noticed - she was sitting in a wheelchair. There was a tube coming out of her pantleg and around to a bag in the back of the chair.

"What's wrong, dear?" I asked. I glanced around for the nearby relative that would surely be keeping a close eye. ... no one.

Her eyes teared, but seemed different somehow. "I love you. I ... I don't know what's going on. Please help me. I love you."

It was ripping me apart inside. "Be patient." I don't know why I said it. It didn't work. That "different" look behind her eyes was gone. She was a scared little girl again. A terrified, seventy-something little girl.

"I love you. Please help me. I love you."

I left without buying anything.

I've never felt so helpless.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:09 pm

Wow....my heart just broke too!:-1

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:14 pm

How sad, AC.:-1

cars · Post by **cars** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:20 pm

So "no one' came to collect her??? How very sad, hope she's still not there waiting.:-2

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:26 pm

She was clean. I think someone just parked her there because they knew she would be safe while they did the shopping.

I'm not sure it would have mattered to her one way or the other.

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:30 pm

wow I have tears in my eyes just reading that. How sad

JacksDad · Post by **JacksDad** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:57 pm

Acct. You know I respect you and will never judge you.

Couldn't you have sat with her? Held her hand and listened and smiled?

Apologies if I'm offending, but I just couldn't have left.

My roommates mom has Alzheimer's. She calls once a week. He won't answer. (He screens the calls.) He won't speak to her.

If I answer the phone I'll talk to her for hours. More listening than talking but....

I've been unemployed for three weeks.

Thank you Acct.

I know now where to spend my time.

I shall volunteer tomorrow AM at a home.

Thank you, again.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:15 pm

JD, no offense taken. I wanted to sit with her, hug her, kiss her forehead and tell her it would be alright.

The only thing that held me back was thinking of this lady's caretaker coming around the corner and seeing some strange man blubbering over her mom. This is a big city after all, no matter how much it seems like a small town.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:19 pm

JacksDad;755662 wrote: I've been unemployed for three weeks.

Thank you Acct.

I know now where to spend my time.

I shall volunteer tomorrow AM at a home.

Thank you, again.
Weird how things come round. I'd been unemployed for some time when Hurricane Katrina sent half of New Orleans to our fair city. I volunteered for four of the most fulfilling months of my life. :-6

Heck, maybe this (you) is why I met her.

moonpie · Post by **moonpie** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:24 pm

That is so sad a story. We have a friend who's mother has Alzheimers, and they don't have enough money to get her into a home where it is not government subsudized, so she has been put onto a waiting list. They have her now in an acute care hospital because she had fallen down and hurt herself, and they have done an evaluation on her. At least now, she will be taken care of there while they are waiting for a permanent spot for her because she was starting to really get out of hand and it was taking quite a toll of the family because someone needs to be with her all the time or she will just wander off somewhere.

They say it's the golden years, but it sure doesn't seem golden to me.

JacksDad · Post by **JacksDad** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:28 pm

Thank you for not being offended.

From your posts that's what I would think you would do.

And believe me, I understand your reason for not sitting with her.

I've been in situations where I was not welcome by family members.

It's a call you have to make at the time.

And once again, thank you. Thanks for opening my eyes again. As opposed to sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

Between my last post and now I've sign up at Brevard Alzheimer's foundation to volunteer.

It is indeed sad.

JacksDad · Post by **JacksDad** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:35 pm

Accountable;755671 wrote: Weird how things come round. I'd been unemployed for some time when Hurricane Katrina sent half of New Orleans to our fair city. I volunteered for four of the most fulfilling months of my life. :-6

Heck, maybe this (you) is why I met her.

I missed that post.

Maybe you're right.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:50 pm

JacksDad;755684 wrote: Thank you for not being offended.

From your posts that's what I would think you would do.

And believe me, I understand your reason for not sitting with her.

I've been in situations where I was not welcome by family members.

It's a call you have to make at the time.

And once again, thank you. Thanks for opening my eyes again. As opposed to sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

Between my last post and now I've sign up at Brevard Alzheimer's foundation to volunteer.

It is indeed sad.
God bless you, sir. :-6

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:18 pm

Acc so sad this encounter you had. I understand totally your response it is very common.

She most likely has Alzheimer's I work for the San Diego Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. It is very difficult for others to know how to approach or communicate with Alzheimer's patients. I'm a bit disturbed that somone left her alone at all. They become very fearful in strange places. If she would have been able to get up (which she wasn't) they often wander off and get lost and are sometimes found, often times not alive.

You did what you could at the time. Sometimes just a pat on the hand will calm them down, or a touch on the shoulder, or just speaking to them in a soft voice if your uncomfortable touching strangers, will also calm them till someone arrives to handle them.

As an advocate for this devastating disease I ask you all if you know loved ones that have the disease please enroll them in the "Safe Return" National program. It is National database for Alzheiemer's patient and those with other dementia's. You can register them for free if they don't have the $40.00 necessary for the ID bracelet, or necklace with all their information on it for a "Safe Return" home if they wander. It saves lives they can be obtained through any local Alzheimer's Chapters or through our National site at http://www.alz.org.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:27 pm

Carla, generally speaking, do you think the family member would have understood if I had stopped to comfort her? It ripped my heart to walk away like that but I just didn't see an alternative at the time.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:36 pm

ACC it has been my experience of 17 years with the organization that families would understand if you would talk to their loved one if they weren't present. You just have to do what feels right at the moment. Don't beat yourself up over this you did what you felt was right it is always a scary thing to do.

How to communicate with an Alzheimer's Patient

[QUOTE]Communication

Alzheimer's disease can gradually diminish a person's ability to communicate. Not only do people with dementia have more difficulty expressing thoughts and emotions, they also have more trouble understanding others. Here are some tips to help you and the person with dementia understand each other better.

Changes in communication

The person with dementia may experience changes in communication such as:

Difficulty finding the right words

Using familiar words repeatedly

Inventing new words to describe familiar objects

Easily lose their train of thought

Difficulty organizing words logically

Reverting to speaking in a native language

Using curse words

Speaking less often

More often relying on gestures instead of speaking

Tips for better communication

Let the person know you are listening and trying to understand what is being said.

Keep good eye contact. Show the person that you care about what is being said.

Let the person think about and describe whatever he or she wants to. Be careful not to interrupt.

Avoid criticizing, correcting and arguing.

If the person uses the wrong word or cannot find a word, try guessing the right one.

If you don't understand what is being said, ask the person to point or gesture.

Focus on the feelings, not the facts. Sometimes the emotions being expressed are more important than what is being said. Look for the feelings behind the words.

Always approach the person from the front. Tell the person who you are.

Call the person by name. It helps orient the person and gets hid or her attention.

Use short, simple words and sentences. Talk slowly and clearly.

Ask one question at a time.

Patiently wait for a response. A person may need extra time to process your request.

Repeat information and questions. If the person doesn't respond, wait a moment. Then ask again.

Avoid quizzing. Reminiscing can be healthy, but avoid asking, "Do you remember when...?"

Give simple explanations. Avoid using logic and reason at great length. Give a complete response in a clear and concise way.[/QUOTE]

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:51 pm

Its A Sad Old World These Days When You Cant Go Up To A Person And Comfort Them Incase You Are Accussed Of Doing Something Sinister But Thats How Life Is These Days. Years Ago You Wouldnt Hesitate To Help Someone Now You Have To Think Twice

moonpie · Post by **moonpie** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:16 pm

kayleneaussie;755702 wrote: Its A Sad Old World These Days When You Cant Go Up To A Person And Comfort Them Incase You Are Accussed Of Doing Something Sinister But Thats How Life Is These Days. Years Ago You Wouldnt Hesitate To Help Someone Now You Have To Think Twice

You are absolutely right there, and it is really bad when you can't try to be nice to someone without worrying that you may be accused of something. But if she was just stuck in a corner while they shopped, that is really bad too, especially in her condition, that should never have been done, if that was the case.

mrsK · Post by **mrsK** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:35 pm

kayleneaussie;755702 wrote: Its A Sad Old World These Days When You Cant Go Up To A Person And Comfort Them Incase You Are Accussed Of Doing Something Sinister But Thats How Life Is These Days. Years Ago You Wouldnt Hesitate To Help Someone Now You Have To Think Twice

Very sad story ACC.

I understand why you left & how it would have made you feel to leave.

Same thing happens at school,can't give kids cuddles when the fall & hurt themselves.

That is your first reaction but now we have to stand back.

Don't cuddle the child,sad times we live in:-6

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:05 am

When I was a student, Accountable, I spent my long summer vacation working, with a girlfriend, in an old people's nursing home. A lot of the people there had been parked there and left to die, many of them had no visitors, they were kept drugged down so they were as little trouble as possible, one lady used to escape regularly and wander up the street till we brought her back. It broke my heart. I think my eyes grew old then, though I was only nineteen. Hardest job I ever had.

theia · Post by **theia** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:18 am

Accountable;755646 wrote: I saw her sitting in the Wal-Mart pharmacy.

"I love you," she said.

Her eyes were haunted, lost, scared to death. They were begging me.

"I love you," she said again.

"Hello dear," I responded. She seemed surprised that I responded.

"I love you. Please help me. I love you."

I hadn't noticed - she was sitting in a wheelchair. There was a tube coming out of her pantleg and around to a bag in the back of the chair.

"What's wrong, dear?" I asked. I glanced around for the nearby relative that would surely be keeping a close eye. ... no one.

Her eyes teared, but seemed different somehow. "I love you. I ... I don't know what's going on. Please help me. I love you."

It was ripping me apart inside. "Be patient." I don't know why I said it. It didn't work. That "different" look behind her eyes was gone. She was a scared little girl again. A terrified, seventy-something little girl.

"I love you. Please help me. I love you."

I left without buying anything.

I've never felt so helpless.

Acc...what a powerful, if profoundly heart breaking encounter.

For me, that lady seems to represent us all at some level, at some time...confused and very frightened, desperate and needing help...

I think we all experience these hopelessnesses during our lives here, be it through old age, illness, loss, depression...we are totally exposed, totally vulnerable, totally alone. And yet, these times pass, and however hopeless we might feel, there is always hope, buried deep perhaps, but always there. "Be patient" were probably the most beautiful words you could have said.

I really appreciate you posting this. In different ways, it's a gift to everyone who reads it.

suzycreamcheese · Post by **suzycreamcheese** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:18 am

that just made me cry :-1