A scandal has emerged that without hyperbole clearly puts Watergate in the shade. Attention was first drawn to the matter by local resident and heedcase Mr. Paul Heedcase, who was the first to notice a series of discrepancies in the organization of events on the Alnwick summer Tourist- Fleecing Calendar. “Wey man, it’s ahl the seyme *****,†Mr. Heedcase told us yesterday, while pointing at the sky. The reason for his agitation soon became clear. For wafting gently in the breeze overhead was owld Alnwick town’s beautiful bunting: the same joyful parade of primary colour that brings visitors from all over the globe flocking to Alnwick every summertime, and paints the townsfolk’s hearts with smiles from June to September. But behind this bunting hides a dark and evil secret whether the occasion is Alnwick Fair, Alnwick Country Fair, and Alnwick Music Festival or a ritual stoning, somehow the bunting always remains the same. Standing on that pavement with Mr. Heedcase as realization hit, we had suddenly passed through the looking glass. What manner of devilry was this? The last recognized matter these respective organizing committees agreed on was back in 1982, and that was the issue of deely-boppers not being part of authentic medieval dress. Furthermore, each event sets aside a percentage of its annual budget rumored to lie between twelve and twenty-five percent to cover bunting and bunting-related costs. There is only one conclusion The Glimmer can draw: that there is self-interest afoot at the heart of Alnwick’s business community. Unfortunately, this was an issue that only magnified under closer scrutiny. Mr. Heedcase again: “Luk man yon shite’s ad an’ grey, but yon ***** owa yon’s all blue an’ yella an’ red an’ green an’ *****.†The local man’s arguments were once again bang on the money: various lengths of the bunting are quite clearly in an advanced state of decay, while others have only recently been purchased. This is in direct contradiction of the Council’s own zoning ordinances, which state that any bunting hoisted within the ancient boundaries of the town walls should not be of a low standard sufficient to cause accident, injury or small children to look glum. Are palms being greased within council chambers? Is bunting being re-used year on year while new material has been budgeted for? And are certain shopkeepers paying a ‘special tax’ to ensure the best bunting is hoisted above their own premises? Just how deep does the rabbit-hole go? In addition to this, there is a distinct downturn in the quality of the bunting on Bondgate Without on one side of town, and past the clock tower on Fenkle Street at the other. The decrepitude is perhaps permissible outside of the Hotspur Tower by council rule, but certainly not up a much-loved and well-traveled thoroughfare right in the heart of town. If bunting is being re-used year on year, who is skimming off the top? And what ever happened to the promises of Frederic Marc-Antony Drop-Bollock of the Alnwick Fair Organizing Committee, who in 1997 publicly promised, “Bunting made of Mithril and colored with the rarest Persian butterfly spit, held aloft on ropes weaved of pubis trimmed from the twelve richest Kings in Europe in short, bunting the entire bunting-loving world will envy!†If any reader can answer these questions or wants to do some research for this story, please send your findings as an unaccredited text-file.
