I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

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Maristar87
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:47 am

I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

Lately, I've been going through a stressful time - and as weird of a person I am, that means I'm going to have an emotional breakdown and/or hallucinate. It's extremely frightening, because I am aware of my surroundings and I'm not delusional when it happens, just extremely tired - and it feels very real (heck, it might even be... I don't know. I'm trying my best to be open-minded.) My husband has had to carry me to bed because I'll fall asleep sitting up at the computer, and my sleep schedule isn't what it should be..

I actually turned down a day-care job because I really believe I shouldn't be around children in my current state of mind, and I've been unemployed for quite a while and I'm in major need of a job. Hopefully my insurance will kick in soon so I can get some medication, sleep aids, anything... I just can't deal with the stress anymore. My cousin is recommending that I get on Benzos, but I really don't think that will go over too well with my seizures - and SSRIs do absolutely nothing for me. I don't think it'll go over too well if I meet my new doctor and automatically ask for some highly-addictive drugs anyway, so whatever.

It must be the season or something, because the majority of my friends are having psychological problems as well. Two of my other friends are addicted to drugs/alcohol and ended up in jail, the other ones keep procreating and giving birth to numerous kids - they can't afford to feed them. Lastly, my best-friend found religion again, which I'm not entirely comfortable with... long story short, we were in a very fundamentalist/extremist church together (it was run by my family) and it brought out the worst in all of us. I've become an agnostic, more recently entertaining thoughts on buddhism and she's flip-flopping from simply not caring about the afterlife to fanatical bible-thumping christianity. It just feels so very, very wrong on so many levels.

Speaking of religion, all of my hallucinations involve dead people - my deceased aunt, uncle, pets, other random faceless spirits. I've predicted the deaths of several of my relatives. I'm also getting deja-vu on a regular basis again. Most recently, the room turned purple, my vision flickered, I saw lightning and a bunch of white figures - silhouettes of people, my vision flickered again and I passed out. I've seen my dead uncle, my dead cat and my deceased aunt (whom died about 13 years ago.)

I'm still not sure what to make of it. I'm not sure why I'm writing this either, I think I just wanted to get it all down and off my chest. I really don't know what I should do anymore. I don't believe in psychics, and my husband (buddhist background) was trying to preach that I had some gift, but it doesn't really seem all too useful - just confusing, and oh so very exhausting.

I also don't know how to approach this subject with a doctor without him sending me off to a psych ward somewhere, or recommending expensive CT scans. :-5

On a happier note, my cat seems to be calmer now that I'm home and relaxing with him. I have my interview in a few hours, nothing big - just a retail store in the mall. I really want to do so much more than I can realistically accomplish. I need to go back to college and finish my degree, fix my diet, find a better paying job and move all in these next few months. I wish there was a way I could stop stressing out and get working on my goals.

Honestly though, I think quitting the bar job was the best thing for me, and it's one thing I don't regret - especially when I drive past and I see the long lines of customers and my ex-coworkers running back and forth, wallowing in mismanaged chaos. There are some things I'm more than willing to put up with for $8.50 an hour, babysitting teenage girls and dealing with irrational outbursts from my coworkers AND customers while doing the work of several people who refuse to get their hands dirty... ugh, there's just no way. Especially when management lies about my wages and denies me pay. Nope, sorry.



Well, I can't really finish now - so I'll just leave this posted until I come back from my interview... ta-ta...
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Maristar87
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I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

So, the interview at went well. I was immediately offered the job and I'll be making a good $.65 more than I did at the previous one. It also looks like we're moving across town to the "family" section by the mall, in comparison to the low-income/college apartment section that we're in right now. We're also looking into duplexes since our con-artist of a landlord has bought several of the 2-bedroom apartment complexes, including the really big, beautiful one (with a pond & park area) I had my hopes set on. My husband is hinting toward wanting to stay here permanently and buy a house, but I want to see how well my (or state) insurance and the hospitals will take care of my metabolic disorder before we make any commitments to one area. Some states have zero coverage, some have total. Buying a house is tempting though - I'm unsure of what we'd be able to afford.

I got a facebook message from two of my husband's cousins this morning, they went to the bar - and apparently my boss and a server were at it again. When they were sat, the server loudly made some racist comments and they were treated very poorly. When I was working, it was my boss that was making the comments. Initially, it didn't bother me, but it was a factor in me wanting to leave the business. Especially when I heard it day after day. Now, I'm so glad I left. What if my family had come in while I was working and I couldn't do anything about it for risk of being fired? I'm still getting facebook messages from people (previous co-workers, friends and family) stating that it's been getting worse, and the service is just horrible, etc. Hopefully it'll get shut down soon, but people are just so excited about having a sports bar in a college town. They get a lot of business.

That's the problem with the midwest. Everything is so spaced out, and I think that's what I hate about it the most. Most of the degree jobs here are centered around the university, and that's not exactly where I would like to work (or go to school for that matter, I hate the drunk-college kid atmosphere) and the only other options are places like Burger King, McDonalds, Subway, Perkins or Wal-mart. I know someone who works three of these jobs to support her family - there aren't any better jobs out there in her major/field of study since the university isn't hiring. She told me that above all else, get out of this town. My husband told me the exact opposite, having lived in most of the cities here in Iowa. This is supposedly as good as it gets as far as jobs go, and good shopping centers are about an hour away (which he claims is reasonable.) I'm not entirely convinced, but as I said... my opportunities regarding places to live are limited, so I can't be too choosy.
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Maristar87
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I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

After celebrating my new-found job early this morning at a small diner, my husband and I went shopping. I bought our cat, Khan, a brand-new carrying kennel-luggage case since our old one (a plastic kennel with the top and bottom halves connected with snaps) snapped in half. It should come in handy with the move across town, and our cat absolutely loves it. I really didn't think he'd be too pleased with it, but he willingly goes into it and occasionally will sleep in it. I can even zip it close and push or carry him around, and he purrs happily as we walk around together.

It really reminds me of the carrying cases breeders use when bringing animals to different homes and pet shows. My cat's immediate acceptance of it just furthers my belief that he came from a breeder. After all, it's not every day you find a flame-point Himalayan in a small hick-town animal shelter. Anyway, I just hope he's happy enough in it to ignore the sound of the moving van and the trip to the duplex, or wherever we end up.

Anyway, toward the end of our day, I ended up buying medicine and metabolic food at our local health-food co-op, the cashier was extremely rude to me because I used one plastic bag (I do recycle them... not that it is any of her business.) I was excited about finding a place with the correct food and medication I need, but after dealing with the snooty employees, I'd rather just buy in bulk online from a different company. It really bothers me, she has no right to judge me or anyone else.

I bought yogurt-covered cranberries, yogurt covered raisins, an organic chocolate piece, orange gum, low-protein bread mixes and egg re-placer. I'm really loving the cranberries, and the bread will take some time to work with. I'm trying to teach my husband how to properly cook for the low-protein/hyperphenylalanemia diet (if you want to know more information, google phenylketonuria) but he doesn't seem to understand that you must write everything down and have exact measurements, even though he's really interested (and a chef.) It's not like normal cooking - it's more of a science experiment - and a disgusting one at that, I'm often finding myself forced to replace milk in recipes with coffee creamer. The last time we cooked together, he kept adding things without measuring, or portioning it out properly. It's frustrating to say the least. He doesn't seem to understand how important it is, and I wish I could have another trip to the dietitian and specialist so she could explain it further, but who am I kidding? Insurance here is impossible right now. Bah.

I'm getting my feet wet with the diet for a number of reasons. I've come in contact with a group of people with my condition (usually with more of a severe genetic mutation that causes severe mental impairment) and they are having extreme difficulty in adhering to the diet, dealing with insurance and they're struggling to find tasteful recipes and affordable food. My husband wants to make/sell bread and other foods, and create new recipes in order to help them. We're also interested in creating more awareness for the genetic disorder, as most people cannot afford to get treatment or money for metabolic food or medicine.

He's really trying his best though and I do appreciate his interest, he's been the most supportive person in my life - especially in regard to my health.
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Maristar87
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I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

So... we didn't get the duplex. Long story short is that we took a tour with the new landlord, and the place was a dump. It smelled like urine, and the basement was "shared" with the other tenant (whom we wouldn't be able to meet) as well as large portions of the duplex itself (some places were only divided by locked bedroom doors, and we'd share hallways.) He also wanted about three months of rent upfront, plus a bunch of ridiculous fees - about three thousand dollars in total, which is about the same as the down payment of a regular house in some areas of town.

We were devastated, especially since we didn't really have any other places lined up - especially not in a good neighbourhood. Right now, it looks like our options are limited to an old apartment complex right beside a trailer park full of sex-offenders and paedophiles. Since I would like to stay in one area for several more years, that really isn't our best option. On a positive note, I do like my job and schedule. The mornings suck, and I don't feel completely coherent waking up at 4am again, but the pay is decent and my schedule is flexible. I'm working just about every other day.

Our wedding ceremony is weighing heavily on my mind, and I am honestly leaning toward not involving my family at all - especially since my grandmother isn't interested in attending either the wedding or reception, and my brother is complaining as well. My father is only half-interested, and my mother is irritated that we're waiting so long to have the ceremony. My maid-of-honour is unreliable, either pregnant or getting work done (which makes photography a challenge) and my bridesmaids have all but vanished off the face of the earth. With all the nagging and accusations, I'm ready to just cut them out of my life entirely... but then I wouldn't have a family, save for an ailing cat and a husband. I know I'm supposed to make sacrifices, and the wedding isn't about myself and appearances, but it feels like I'm making too much of an effort - and nobody is interested. I'm also dealing with rude family members making even ruder comments about my current profession (not that they're doing much better.) I happen to like retail, sure - I'd rather do something right now that would make more money but as of right now $9.15/hr is all I can do for myself - and that is pretty damn high considering the other jobs in the area.

On a hilarious note, my husband's family have taken it upon themselves to spontaneously invite us to our own engagement party, which we weren't exactly aware we were having, and we're not sure what it involves (probably binge drinking.) Obviously, since it's so late of a notice, my family cannot attend (which is probably a good thing, I haven't decided yet.) But hey... I'll take it. I need a break! I love them.

My mother also lied to me about health insurance. I found out via the other people with my disorder that I'll need private insurance, and I told my mother because I'm pretty much clueless on how it all works out. She told me that she'd call her sister (a nurse) and get some information for me through her friend (whom works with a charity and a health insurance company), because I did have really amazing insurance as a child - and they could possibly get it for me again. Mom later sent me a google link stating that there were only two options available for my specific disorder - which would cost way too much money for me to afford - at least not for several more years. I looked into it, and they didn't seem to be good options at all. However, since my mother (and two other people - nurses in fact, told me this was it for me, I nearly had a heart attack.) I was a nervous wreck, and upon calling her back several days later... she painstakingly admitted she didn't really know what she was talking about, that the links she just gave me were randomly generated, and she never talked to her sister or anyone else about it, she didn't see what the big deal was... I really wasn't sure what to say to that. I mean, it's a terrible thing for her to do - if something had come up and I was counting on that health insurance, it would have probably hurt me both physically and financially - even killed my child if I were pregnant and they refused coverage on hyperphe (since there isn't much awareness, a lot of companies refuse coverage) and maternal issues. It's a good thing I actually looked into what she sent me and decided against it. I've tried my best to get information without getting my hospital involved, but it looks like it's just something I'm going to have to dig into myself and possibly get a doctor's advice. I'm determined to do it all myself, and I'm pretty angry with her and her lackadaisical attitude toward my health, especially since she's the only person close to me I'd know that would have any information on it.

There's other incidences as well in my past - and I should've known better. It's all been the same with her and my health for years. I'm so stupid to think this would be any different.

... do I really need these people at my wedding? How would I leave them out without making it awkward?

From here on in, I'm just going to do everything myself, even when people say that they've got everything under control and they know what they're talking about - it's mostly bullshit. It's been proven over and over again with my family. I hate that I'm constantly the only person I can rely on, I'm getting old and tired - not to mention bitter.
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Maristar87
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I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

Yesterday was a lovely day...except for the fact that we both noticed that someone keyed/scratched the crap out of our car. It looks terrible. :-5 We noticed it a day after the landlord was lurking around the buildings (for no real reason, he's never here.) We had a bad feeling the entire day, so much so that we left and took a long walk to calm ourselves down. I know there's a small possibility that it wasn't him - but, I just have a gut feeling that either himself or his lackies were up to no good.

It turns out that the nice asian couple a few doors over got evicted as well. That makes just about everyone we've met a goner. The young single mother with her newborn baby - gone, evicted. The large couple that stomped around upstairs and had night classes - evicted. The foreign couple - evicted. The slavic girls that I hoped to befriend - evicted.

The only ones remaining are myself and my husband and an old man who lives in the next room, who recently decided to steal the cover to our air conditioner (he didn't have one when we moved in, and we did - now it's the other way around...) However, I don't really give half a damn, because after getting a couple thousand dollars stolen from us, our car keyed and filing a lawsuit (which didn't exactly work) and hiring a lawyer to fight the landlords super-mega lawyer, I'm pretty sure we're not getting our deposit back anyway.

(I'm so glad I'm anonymous on this journal, btw. I really needed to vent.)
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Maristar87
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I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

Oh well, it's Mother's Day (and a Sunday in this little mid-western town) so there's not much I can get accomplished, and I never usually drink anything. I need to get myself on a diet, but it's not going to start on Mother's Day, especially since the hubby made a swordfish dinner with gnocci and herbs last night.

Y'know what? I don't really care about much right now, considering all the gossip at work. I really don't care what they think of my marriage or my wedding plans. We may not have the most ideal of lives and we came from less than reputable backgrounds, but we're not settling for something less than we want and deserve. Our family is nobody's business. My education is also nobody's business. It's sad it took me a 24 hour break from work and a bit of wine to realize that... I really need to calm down.

Besides that, most of the day was spent calling family, so there's a lot of bad news. I found out my father was in the hospital for about four days straight and nobody bothered to tell me (not my brother, sister-in-law, dad's girlfriend, father, grandmother...etc) so I'm not too happy. I really wonder what goes through peoples' heads. Also... another one of my friends is pregnant, congrats. I feel terrible and old right now.
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Maristar87
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I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

Acceptance.

This is how it is. My family is toxic. I fear for my future, I feel that their presence in my life would harm the well-being of my new family. I have nothing against my grandmother or my cousins. They [my parents] have hurt me emotionally and physically for twenty-three years. They have neglected me and ruined my childhood. They have destroyed a large part of my life, and they won't get a moment more. My mother expects me to take care of her, when she never made an attempt on my part. She denied me medical treatment multiple times that would and should've killed me. I still live with the effects today. Instead of taking responsibility, they accused me of being mentally ill, physically ill, brain-damaged, mentally retarded.... and the list still continues. As for my father goes, no child should be hit - especially not an adult child. Also, calling my husband when you're drunk and screaming at him isn't appropriate in any situation. You can be civil and have an adult conversation WITHOUT booze.

If I get in any kind of trouble, they do not have advice to give, but insults. As an adult, I am afraid of them. This isn't a relationship, it's abuse.

Not how it:

was

might have been

should have been

Not how I:

want it to be

hoped it would be

planned it to be

I accept that this is how it is.

And now I will get on with my life in a positive way.

I do not need these people at my wedding. I'm done with them.
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Maristar87
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I See Dead People - Maristar's Journal

Post by Maristar87 »

I really, really love Stephen King novels. I'm half-way done with Under the Dome and I'm going to read the Dark Tower series next. That's my positive sentence for today. Oh, I also got a cover for my nook and three bras that actually fit me.

My supervisors are threatening to fire me because I look "too tired" (talking about the dark circles that have been under my eyes since childhood) and they are stating it's bad for the company's image. I'm all for loving your job, but I work at a small shop in the mall that sells overpriced "chubby sized" jeans and weird-numbered clothes for middle-income soccer moms. I do wear make-up and I am "behind the scenes" stocking most of the time. I don't understand why they are so upset. I do amazing work. I've been in retail for YEARS. I have an outstanding reputation and recommendation. I can sell with the best of them. If you want to pick on people with faults, you can go pick on everyone else. I'm eastern european, I'll have dark circles. It's genetic. There's a girl working in the women's section that looks like she doesn't have a chin due to her bone structure, that's genetic too. Go pick on her for a change - just leave me alone.

I hate that it's always women that I work with that have problems with me. I'm not catty, I get my job done. I don't chit-chat about everything and manipulate social situations to my advantage. They should be happy to have me. I'm fine with all of the guys.

Well, at least I'll be able to get unemployment if they do fire me, and that might be my best option rather having them continue to threaten it on a continuous basis. I love this job, and the people were really nice when I was hired, but I don't understand this what's with the sudden hostility. I don't think I gave a bad impression. Hubby thinks that they're trying to get rid of me and they do this over and over again (c'mon...who seriously makes an issue over under-eye circles?), it's cheaper to train rather than keep someone on at a higher than minimum rate of pay and large amount of hours. Well, thank you for the stress and the money (and the government money) and you can all kiss my ass on the way out. Still, it's better than nothing... so I'm going to play their game until they have me escorted out of the building, pink slip in hand and I'll immediately make a beeline to the unemployment office.

If I do choose to stay (which seems like a bad idea, unless things change) I'll probably have to give them a diagnosis and doctor's notice that I'm healthy/my appearance isn't my fault/etc to get them off my butt. Nevermind, I'll probably have to get that anyway to prove that I'm worthy of unemployment if they do get rid of me (as termination must not be my own fault.)

I do admit that I haven't been feeling my best, and after 6+ years of not being able to see a doctor, it's probably in my best interest that I go anyway... so this may just all be really good timing.

Oh, and this morning (Friday the 13th - nonetheless) I got a really weird facebook message from some guy I've never heard of before (keep in mind that I'm set to "married" and my religious views are listed as agnostic) claiming that God and Jesus have led him to my profile (he needs a nice religious girl) and that he's recently divorced, 40 years old (I'm 23 and look way younger) and his children aren't taking it well. He wants to marry me. Dude, that's creepy as hell. It was all in very broken english, so I had a bit of a time trying to read it. I laughed.

My husband also woke up screaming about the radio "The ALERT! The ALERT!" - I jumped out of bed and ran to the weather radio, thinking we had a tornado warning. We didn't, he fell back asleep and he doesn't remember saying anything. Great...

Anybody else think I'm gonna get fired today? Just because that's honestly how my morning is going so far....

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