Totally Transparent Nok

Journals - The Events of Your Life.
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Today, the weather is warm and it's Friday. For me, it doesn't matter what day of the week it is because I work every day ( Monday-Sunday)...... I kid you not !!!! I teach private classes and group classes ( mostly privates) at two schools. I guess I do enjoy my work because I really don't want any other job except teaching. It does keep me busy ( lesson preparations, giving advice and helping the students after class, buying new textbooks, etc.). Right now, being very busy is very important to me because my best friend, Larry passed away 2 months ago and the only way I can alleviate my inner pain is to keep busy and fill up my days with as much activity as possible ( working, reading novels, watching t.v. programs, listening to the radio, spending more time with my hobbies, etc. ).

About 4-5 months ago, my beloved pet, Jum-Jim died. He was a Greek dog: small, long white hair, little, round eyes......ooohhhhh, he was adorable and such a sweet personality to go along with it as well. He even loved strangers ! He would go up to them, wag his tail and play with them. Jum-Jim was with me for about 10 years and when he died, I felt like a part of me had died along with him. I thought my pet's death was bad enough but then my best friend died a few months after that. As you can see, it hasn't been a very good year for me so far but I hope it gets better. Well, I suppose it can't get any worse because this is already December and the last month of the year. I hope next year fares better for me.

Anyway, more about me, later.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

It's Saturday and I had to substitute for my Head Teacher's classes ( he's in another province with his brothers, sisters and friends for the anniversary of his parents' death. It's a ceremony where the ashes of his deceased parents, which are put in nice looking, closed goblets, are prayed and chanted over so their souls will reach heaven smoothly ). So, today I taught from 9:30 a.m. until 3:30 p.m. with a 1 hour break in between (12-1 p.m. for lunch ). That is a looooong time , believe me. I had a little bit over 30 students in one classroom with no microphones so I had to teach the lesson to them by shouting for several hours. Now, my vocal cords feel like they've been overused and need a break ! :-5

After class, a student asked me for advice about going for a job interview and she wasn't sure how to prepare for it , so I talked to her for about half an hour about interview preparation. Lately, students seem to be asking me for advice quite a bit. I don't know why. Maybe I look like the motherly type or something. :thinking:

Since this is the weekend, not many teachers showed up for teaching today. During the afternoon, it was just me and this really tall, artistic looking ( long disheveled hair, leather shoes with no socks, faded, wide blue jeans and plain long sleeved shirt with rolled up sleeves) teacher. he said that he peeked into my room and saw there were a lot of students. Other teachers seem to like to peek into my room and I'm always unaware of them. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm so "into" my teaching that I'm totally unaware of anything else except for my lessons, the students, and the whiteboard. I guess I'm like that. I can "block" things out without even realising it.

This morning my mother was moody and had a big frown on her face. She was brushing the leaves that fell from the trees in the front yard and wasn't in a good mood. But then she's never in a good mood when I'm around ( I was never her favorite child no matter how hard I tried to please her. My brother is " the apple of her eye" though. In her eyes, he can do no wrong. ) I was in a rush during the morning, though and didn't have time to ask her , "Mom, what's wrong ?".

Thank goodness I have so many pictures of my deceased friend Larry. Looking at the pictures almost makes me feel as though he's still with me, in a way. I still talk to him every day, wishing him Good Morning when I wake up, briefing him on my day's events and saying Good Night to him at night. I don't know if he can hear me or not but I still want to talk to him anyway.

Enough for now. See you soon, amigo.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Today is Sunday, December 7, 2008. I used to go to Church every single Sunday but that was a long time ago. So long ago, in fact, that I really don't remember the reason why I stopped going to church. All I remember is that as each Sunday passed by and I didn't attend the services for that week, it got easier not to go to church and do other stuff instead or just resting at home and having a quiet Sunday. Maybe one day I will go to Church again every Sunday like before. I don't know.

Today was great because I got to wake up late ( 10:00 a.m.). I seem to need a lot of rest lately because when my body feels tired, it feels very, very tired and seems like it's screaming at me, " I need more rest ! Now gimme more rest ! Now ! " I'm not really a morning person so if I get to wake up late, GREAT ! I love it !

I do admire early birds and morning people , though because it seems like they get more things done each and every day than me. When I do wake up, it seems like I'm always rushing to get a lot of things done at the same time but then, that's just me.

When I took a shower this morning, the water was super cold ( I don't know why) so it woke me up pretty quickly. After that, I definitely wasn't sleepy anymore.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

While having a McDonald's big breakfast , the strangest thing happened to me. There was this little girl running around the restaurant and then she stopped at the table right in front of me and stared at me. :sneaky:I stared back at her. She said 'What's your problem?" I was tempted to say "You " but then I saw her mother walking towards her and decided not to say anything.

The mother apologized to me and tried to scoop up the child in her arms but the kid shouted at her and wouldn't let her. I thought, even the kid's own mother can't control her. Wow ! What's she going to be like when she grows up ? She can't be more than 5 years old and she's already a pain in the neck :yh_devil , disturbing total strangers like this.

When things like this happen to me, I start questioning myself. :confused: I start thinking, "Is there something wrong with my outer appearance and that's why the kid was staring at me?, Was it the way I was dressed ? , Was it my face? , etc. " I think the reason why I'm this way is because I have such low self esteem in the first place so that when people act wierd towards me or say something negative about me, I start questioning myself instead of the other person. Instead of me thinking there's something wrong with the other person, I usually think there's something wrong with me. I didn't always used to have such low self esteem. It was caused by a lot of negative people and a lot of negative situations that made my self confidence crumble layer by layer until it became an extremely thin layer that can easily be broken into. :-3
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Time goes by soooo fast ! Faster than a speeding bullet, faster than a Japanese train, faster than an angry cheetah.... no, that's not Superman...... that's Time. This is already the second week of December and I see Christmas decorations in the department stores ( gaily decorated Christmas trees, colored lights strewn on the windows of the malls, fake snow on Christmas pictures, etc. ........ Lovely !, Just Lovely ! ) .

While I was having breakfast this morning, I saw some of my students eating in the same fast food outlet as me. I joined them and we had a nice chat together. They were waiting for their friend, who was late. They're teenagers but they're nice and polite ( that's hard to find these days ! ).

They can't show up for classes next week because one of them is going to a meditational retreat and become a nun for a couple of days. She says she's interested in knowing how to meditate the proper way and she needs a teacher to start her off properly with her meditations. Her friend commented that the retreat is near a highway so how is she going to be able to have enough peace and quiet in order to meditate ?

Thank goodness I didn't see that wierd little girl again this morning ! I wouldn't mind it if I never saw her again.

My insomnia is getting worse. Now, I sleep after 4:00 a.m. in the morning and get up at 8:00 a.m. I don't feel tired or drowsy, though. I feel quite okay.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I called up one of my colleagues ( also a teacher) on her cell phone at 9:00 p.m. last night. I try to call at times when I know for sure that she's free to talk to me ( such as lunchtime, late night, etc. ). She's a schoolteacher and I know that she's at school the whole day so no use calling her "whenever."

It turned out that she's at winter camp with her students and since it was late at night, they were having a night gathering together and the kids were having a great time . I could hear them over the phone ( the laughter, shouts, hollering in unison, etc.) . I enjoy talking to my colleagues because sometimes they have different viewpoints than me and I like listening to their thoughts and ideas. I know that I am not always right so it's great to brainstorm together and see what others think. In the past, I totally trusted myself and solved problems on my own. Now I know that it's best to ask for others' opinions and then decide on the best solution for myself.

We had a nice phone conversation about one of the schools that we're both teaching at and my colleague friend is really straightforward so it's fun talking to her. This is the first time I've called her up ( not because I don't want to talk to her but in the past, I was rejected by so many people that I finally gave up being the first to make a move when it comes to friendships ). Usually, she's the one who calls me. Not that it matters who calls whom.

I'm usually not "into" using the cell phone when having friendly chats with people because it's so expensive but sometimes when the person you want to talk to is in the middle of a forest camping, driving on the road, sitting in a bus, etc., you really don't have a choice when it comes to reaching them. Regular phones are so much cheaper to use.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Today was a really bad day for me. I had to do a very, very difficult thing ( for me, anyway) : I quit one of the two jobs that I'm working at right now.

I've been there for quite a while, gave it everything I had and than some more, sacrificed my free time and vacations in order to substitute for the other teachers that couldn't show up, did extra tasks in order to help out the boss ( such as making tests for classes that other teachers were teaching but didn't have time to make their own tests, going downstairs and asking the staff for extra copies of sheets even though it's the students' job to ask for additional sheets, etc.) so you can imagine how difficult it was for me to tell the school this morning that I'm quitting. Anyway, I did it and now it's finished. I know I did the right thing but I still feel quite sad because I'm kind of attached to the place and the people there: that happens to me when I work at a place for kind of a long time. It just kind of grows on me and becomes a part of me.

I think the receptionist who took my call this morning was a bit surprised. After I told her I wasn't coming in to work anymore, she said, " What did you say ? " kind of like she didn't hear right so I repeated the same statement to her again.

I know I've done the right thing by quitting because I haven't gotten my salary there for like 5 months now ( yes..... you heard me right. Five months.). The boss said that the school wasn't doing well and they didn't have any money to pay the teachers and that this was just a temporary problem that would last only 1-2 months. So, I stayed for 2 months, working there without any salary. The third month, the boss said that the economic crises was taking its toll on the school, the fourth month, he said next month everybody will get paid for sure and the fifth month ( which is this month), he avoided mentioning anything about money except to say that the school was reducing its tution fees so that all the teachers would get their salaries but so far, nothing. I thought, well, it's been 5 months already so enough is enough. The work load at school is very heavy, I have to do a lot of lesson preparations, I spend several hours at the school, I have about a hundred students, I have to conduct 4+ classes weekly, teach everyday, etc. so, enough is enough. It's time to say bye-bye to this crappy school and stop wasting time doing so much work and not getting paid for it. To make matters worse, the boss keeps piling me up with more classes and more work ( as if I'm not doing enough work for him already ! ) . It's almost as if he's forgotten that I haven't been paid for 5 months now. I have pretty much lost a lot of respect for him as it is.

I know I did the right thing so why do I feel so sad ? Why is it everytime I stand up for myself and do the right thing, I always feel so sad ? :-1

Since I quit, nobody at the school has called me up to say goodbye or to wish me well so that makes me even sadder. It's like everything that I did and everything that I sacrificed for the school is meaningless to them. :( The boss hasn't even called me to apologize for lack of payments.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I watched the movie "Twilight". Ever since I saw the movie poster of it with vampire Edward and lovely, sweet Bella on it and saw the caption "If you could live forever, what would you live for ?", I thought, "Oh my gosh, this is definitely a movie I want to watch. This is really my kind of movie : romance, excitement, suspense, a happy ending..... yes, this is definitely for me !!!

I watched it the first day that it came out. There weren' t a lot of people in the theatre. I guess that was because it was a weekday and it wasn't a holiday or anything like that. I must admit, I really loved it !!!!! :-4 There wasn't anything about it that I didn't like. I liked how Edward was so protective of Bella and treated her so well. I liked how Bella accepted Edward exactly as he was and didn't try to change him. I liked how she didn't mind that he was a vampire.

I wish they would make more movies like this. Before "Twilight", I hadn't watched any movies for a very, very long time now because I was so ridiculously busy with work, bereavement, taking care of my elderly mother, etc.

Other than "Twilight", I really liked the movie "Titanic." I guess I kind of like movies that have romance in which the couple's love goes unscathed " no matter what the weather."
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Yesterday evening, I bought a small Christmas tree and decorations at a nearby shopping center. When I went back home, I decorated it and it was just soooo cute ! ;) I love Christmas trees, glittery ornaments, flashing colored lights, etc. - it just seems to make the season Merry and Bright.

Lately, I've been having nightmares- I don't know why. Two nights ago, I was looking out of the window ( in my dream) and I saw this HUGE white tiger walking on the streets. There were people walking on the streets near it and the tiger opened up his mouth wide and put a young girl in its mouth. She was talking on her cell phone and was totally oblivious as to what was happening to her. However. as soon as she realized that she was in the tiger's mouth, she panicked but it was too late. End of dream.

Last night, another nightmare. I was in a small convenience store ( kind of like a 7 eleven) and a man came in. As soon as I saw him, I knew he would cause trouble in that store. The lights went off and I was soooo scared. I didn't know what was going to happen in the dark and then I woke up.

Not being an expert in dream interpretation but knowing myself better than anyone else knows me, I would say that these two dreams relate to my job situation. The HUGE tiger is symbolic of the big school that I'm teaching at. In the beginning, I thought it was a cool place to work in ( hence the beauty and confidence of the tiger). However, I was oblivious as to the "real situation" of the school ( like the girl in my dream that was oblivious to the tiger near her. ) When I found out what was really going on in the school, it was just too late ( like the girl found out she was in the mouth of the tiger and it was too late for her to do something about it ). The school had "eaten me up ". In other words, it had taken advantage of me and it was too late to reverse the situation.

AS for the convenience store in my dream, that is also symbolic of the same school that I'm working in, in which I feel like I'm groping around in the dark and I'm scared as to the " stableness" of the school. Is it really safe for my future to be here ? In my dream, I'm scared of the man who enters into the store. This represents me being "scared" of the owner of the school because of his unpredictableness and not being "out in the open" ( hence the darkness of the store in my dream when the lights suddenly went out) with issues pertaining to the school with the teachers there, hence the teachers don't really know what's going on there ( just like in the dream, I had no idea what was going to happen in the dark.)
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

It's finally Christmas Day ! My, how time flies !!!! I would like to wish everyone who reads this post a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year ! May all your wishes come true in the coming year. And for all of you who didn't have such a great year this year, I do hope and pray that next year will be a better year for you.

Now that it's almost New Year's, I would like to write down all of the things that I'm grateful for which happened to me this year ( 2008), so here goes :

I'm sooooo grateful that....

1. I'm still working at a cute little school in the mall and my boss is a down-to-earth person.

2. my friend Larry ( who's now an angel in Heaven) came through for me twice through a medium.

3. the morning that my beloved dog and faithful companion of over 10 years passed away, he immediately came into my dream, wagging his tail and letting me know that he was now okay.

4. I found a cute little Christmas tree with decorations to put into my room. I looooove :-4 Christmas trees ( I don't know why, but I do !)

5. I had time to watch the movie "Twilight" when it came to a theatre near me. What an awesome movie that was ! I loved it !

6. I wasn't unemployed this year. I had teaching work to do the entire year.

7. even though I was alone pretty much this entire year ( because people who see me are turned off by my ugliness and they avoid me), I've gotten used to it and being alone all of the time doesn't really bother me anymore. Getting over being alone is a big hurdle that I've managed to overcome, thank goodness !!!!

8. even though I was very sick this year ( burning urine, very high fever that wouldn't go down, continuous fatigue, abnormal menstrual cycle, etc.), I'm much better now so I'm grateful for my health.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

This morning, I had an early start because of my morning class so I had time for a McDonald's breakfast ( I try to have a McDonald's breakfast every chance I get because it's not really that often that I wake up early enough to have one.) I put lots of strawberry jam, ketchup, salt and pepper on the scrambled egg, the hash brown and the hamburger otherwise, they just seem tasteless.

I got a New Year's present today from three of my private students. :) That was very sweet of them to give me a present. I really wasn't expecting presents from anyone this year so that was a real surprise to get one today. The best surprises really are the ones that we don't expect. I haven't opened it yet so I don't know what they got me, not that it matters because it really is the thought that counts. Maybe I'll open it later on tonight. I don't get gifts from students often: not that I expect them to give me anything in the first place. However, when I do get gifts from them, it's usually food, snacks, picture frames, but mostly food : cookies, chocolate,sushi rolls, fruit, etc.

To anyone reading my post right now, I would like to personally wish you a very Happy New Year. May the coming year be a good one for you. May your hopes and dreams come true. May life be kind to you.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

It's Sunday, the 28th and only a couple more days until the New Year's. It is still fresh in my mind the events that happened to me this month last year. This month last year I had a lot of free time. It sounds good but actually it wasn't. I was bored silly. I watched movies, went window shopping, surfed the net, ate different kinds of food in various food places, etc. but when you do that after about a week, it gets kind of boring ( for me, anyway). I was bored and felt unhappy last year but this year is different. I had lots of teaching work to do this month this year. I'm so used to working all of the time( I've been doing this for years now !) that I feel bored and unhappy if I'm not always teaching. I still have to teach tomorrow and Tuesday and then we have a three day New Year's holiday ( on the 31st, 1st and 2nd ). I go back to my teaching work on the 3rd of January. Last year, I had a three week New Year's holiday. I was soooo bored.

Yesterday, I watched a youtube video about the afterlife. It's about 86 minutes and comes in 9 parts ( 10 minutes each). It was really good and I had a good time watching it. Ever since my friend Larry passed over, I 've been reading lots of books about death, the afterlife, whjat happens to us when we die, etc. All of a sudden, I take great interest in this subject. I guess I just want to know that Larry really is okay in the spirit world. I pray for him a lot. I didn't pray for him all that much when he was still living until he got very sick. When he was very sick ( before he left the earth plane), I prayed for him every day, that God would heal him and make him better. It seems like everytime I pray for a very sick person to heal ands get better, they end up dying. I prayed for Terry Schiavo to live. In the end, she died a couple of weeks after her husband took her off of her feeding tube and she wasn't allowed any water. Terry's story is sooooo sad. It is so inhumane to not allow a sick person to be fed and receive water. I prayed for Terry for about 2 and a half weeks for a miracle to happen so that she could live. When I read that she had died, I felt so sad. I prayed so much for her that it almost felt like she was my relative or friend.

I wish that death wasn't a part of life. Death is so sad. It separates us from people that we love and care about. I know, and believe, that death is not the end but when our friends and family pass over, they take on another form and things just aren't really the same anymore between us and them. Maybe their spirit can see us but we can't see them. We can't really communicate with them the way we were able to when they were still alive. I mean, communication is possible through a psychic or a medium but that's about it, unless you're psychic yourself ( and I'm not ). Death changes things. Since Larry was such a huge influence on my life when he was still on this earth plane because we were so close, I know that I've changed since he passed over to the spirit world. I'm no longer the person that I used to be.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I was supposed to have a private student studying with me this afternoon but she didn't show up. When the school called her up, she said that she wanted some r&r ( rest and relaxation) and that she'll be back after the New Year's holidays. I can understand how some teachers would feel really angry when a student doesn't show up and doesn't bother to call ( the teacher has to take a shower, get dressed and travel all the way to the school in order to find out that the student isn't coming.) Well, actually that is annoying when the student does that but I just take it in stride. Life is going to throw lots of lemons your way anyway, so might as well make a big, lovely pitcher of lemonade out of all those lemons. Why let all those fresh lemons go to waste ???!!!!???

I try to look at the good side of things, such as when a student doesn't show up and doesn't call up the school, I just tell myself ," Oh well. At least it got me out of the house. Now, I have some free time on my hands. I can just go shopping, watch a movie, read a book that I've been putting off reading for a while now or just whatever I feel like doing at the moment. "

Trying to look at the good side of things makes me feel better mentally. Otherwise, I would be severely depressed and continuously unhappy because life does seem to throw quite a few lemons at me.

In a few more days, it's going to be New Year's. I know that it's a New Year but to me, it feels like just another year.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Thank goodness for New Year's holidays and every other holiday in the year. They give me a chance for some r&r ( rest and relaxation). Otherwise, I would be working all of the time. I don't like to take time off from work on my own (unless I'm very sick or have some urgent business to attend to) because it makes me feel so guilty 'cause I know how difficult it is for the school to find a substitute teacher for me ( for some strange reason, the small school that I'm teaching in has a bunch of teachers that refuse to substitute for one another-I have no idea why. )If I'm free during that time, I don't mind substituting for other teachers so I don't know why it's such a big deal for the other teachers to substitute for me or for each other. So, when one teacher can't show up for a day or days, the class/classes have to be cancelled. The school feels guilty because the students then have to either go back home if they only have that one class that day or wait 2-3 hours for their next class.

Today, I would like to write about all of the things that make me happy, so here goes :

For Me, Happiness is.....

a wonderful dream in which something happens to me ( in my dream) that could not possibly happen to me in real life, such as dating "the perfect guy" and in my dream, he's actually interested in Meeeee !!!! or visiting a friend in another country or spending time with my deceased family members and in my dream, it's like they're still alive and with me.

an iced cocoa drink on a warm day

a well written romantic movie with lots of action, surprises and a happy ending ( such as Twilight )

a phone call from a caring friend when I'm feeling down, depressed, upset or alone and need someone to reach out to me at that time.

coincidences in which I'm thinking about someone and I happen to see them in the same place as me or I run into someone that I haven't seen for a long time now and they're thinking about me as well.

buffets ( I love buffets !)

chocolate ( I like anything chocolate !)

inexpensive, sparkly jewellry

clothes with flower designs on them

small puppies/dogs with long hair

nature ( flowers, waterfalls, sunrise, sunsets )

and....... last, but not least...... my favorite food of all time..... spaghetti and meatballs ! :p
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Happiness is...... within ( truly !)

I was supposed to have only a three day New Year's holiday but it turned out to be seven days because my students weren't available for studying since they wanted to fully enjoy the New Year's holidays ( I can't blame them ! They're still very young- they want to live life to the hilt, they have lots of friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, life is one exciting adventure for them.) The first one or two days was okay but after that, I was soooo bored ! :( I can only do so much window shopping, going to movies , eating out, etc. before I get totally bored with myself. I guess I'm just so used to working all of the time that I feel bored if I'm not actually working for more than a few days. One acquaintance that I used to know told me that I was abnormal for not enjoying rest. Well, that's her opinion and she's entitled to have her own opinions but I know ( for a fact) that I'm not the only person in this world who gets bored if they do absolutely nothing at all except rest, rest and rest. Another acquaintance of mine ( also from the past) told me once that she always had to be doing something, all of the time. She said she couldn't live being idle. That's how I am, too. I have to be doing something, all of the time.

One good thing did come out of the New Year's holidays, though. I was able to take my elderly mother out twice, once for having breakfast together at a suki place and then another day, I took her for some shopping at a local mall. My mother can't go out by herself because of her arthritic knees ( it's very difficult for her to walk because of the pain in her knees) and all of the medicine that she has to take twice a day ( she's got diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.) Other than that, her vision isn't clear. I like spending time with my mother. She's almost eighty years old now and I feel that I have to do everything possible to make her as comfortable as I possibly can so that she can live out her senior years as long as she can. Actually, I want her to be with me forever but that might not be possible because she's mortal and mortals can't live forever. Anyway, I won't get into that because death is definitely an issue that I wished didn't exist. My mother doesn't like me but I do like her and want her to be happy.

I got another New Year's present this year from an unexpected source- an acquaintance of mine. That was really nice of her. She got me a frog clock with an attached pencil case- it's really cute, the frog's head is big and its body is small- the expression on the frog's face is sooooo adorable ! :p

I hate to talk about death but since it is a part of life, it's hard to avoid talk about it. I just don't understand- why does death have to be a part of life ? Why does death have to exist ? What is its purpose ? Death makes the people who were close to that person very, very sad. :-1 I wish that death, illness, getting old, etc. didn't exist. Life would just be better without these negative things in our lives.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I really, really must cut down on my addiction of going to fortune tellers. Just last month alone, I think I must've gone to the fortune tellers at least three times. I went to the same fortune teller twice and a new fortune teller once. It's just that I have this dire need for emotional support everytime that I feel really depressed or down. I admit that I'm emotionally dependent and I do need for people to listen to me and talk to me when I'm sad and if I have to pay for them to listen to me and talk to me ( such as a fortune teller) , than I will. My Indian friend ( in the past) read my palm for me and told me that I was emotionally dependent- she is soooo right. I used to lean on her for emotional support quite a lot when she was living close to me and we were really close friends. She was great at dishing out lots of good and ( what proved to be) accurate advice. She always told me everything like it was ( no beating around the bush ) and I really appreciated her clarity, insight, understanding and most of all- for listening to me. We were friends for several years and then she had to go back to India ( her home country) but we enjoyed several wonderful moments of friendship before she had to leave.

The bad thing about fortune tellers ( for me, anyway) is that if they look serious enough when telling me bad news, I believe them ! Not only do I believe them, I worry about the bad event actually happening. That's why I have to seriously cut down on going to the fortune tellers from now on. Maybe once every three months but no more than that from now on.

It's kind of sad that even though I belong in a family, they're never really there for me when I need them. My mother doesn't listen to me when I have a problem. She only listens to me when I tell her funny stories or good news. My brother walks away from me when I talk to him and acts like I'm a virus he has to avoid. He tells people ( that he knows) that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me because I'm ugly and he's ashamed of me. I love my family but they don't love me. As for my dad, he died more than 10 years ago. He was a great, great guy and he really loved me a lot. We spent a lot of time together and got along wonderfully. I'm so glad that I was with him every single day in the hospital for two weeks until he passed over. I was there for him, holding his hand until the very last minute that his heart stopped beating and the doctors and nurses rushed to his side, trying their very best for several minutes to bring him back but to no avail. he had already left.

It really was my dad who made me believe in ADC's ( after death communications). After he passed over, I dreamt about him a lot, there was a slight wind blowing in my room ( the windows in my room were all closed) and the curtains in my room were swaying in that wind, my neighbor saw my dad dressed entirely in white standing in front of the house looking up at my bedroom window with a worried look in his face ( at that time, she didn't know that my dad had already passed over).

One time, I had a bad case of chicken pox which lasted for about two weeks. I was thinking about my dad and mentally calling out to him to help me through this disease. My mother told me the next morning that she had woken up in the middle of the night to see my dad sitting in a chair looking at me sleeping with a worried expression on his face. During my bout with the chicken pox, my dad came to me in my dream. He was very, very sad and told me that he was so sorry for leaving us. What a great, great guy he was ! I am so lucky to have had such an amazing, loving, caring, brainy , generous father like him in my life. I was blessed with his presence for several years before he died of a brain tumor ( which was the size of an orange- that's what the doctors said). Until his very last minute on earth, he held on, he was such a strong person inside, he was so brave even though he was seriously ill. Until the very last minute, his fantastic sense of humor and his zest for life were still there. He was, is and will always be MY HERO ( My Dad).
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Elderly people. I feel so sorry for them. I really do. It seems like old age is also synonymous with health problems ( having to get dentures instead of your own teeth, muscular aches and pains, bones getting weaker, not being able to walk without a walking stick, heart problems, high blood pressure, etc.). I know that all of us, if we live long enough, have to face old age. Somehow, I'm not looking forward to it. How can you look forward to gray/white hair and numerous health problems ? Once, when I accompanied this girl I used to know to the hospital ( she had liver disease ) , we saw all these elderly people in the waiting room of the hospital. I thought nothing of it ( at that time) but all of a sudden, she asked me what it would be like to be old. What we be like these people ? I told her ( frankly) that I'd never thought of it before but I wouldn't like to be elderly because being elderly also meant being sick. She told me that she wouldn't want to live beyond 65 because after that, health would deteriorate even more. I wished she hadn't even brought up the subjest in the first place. Such a depressing topic to be talking about but, hey, old age is a part of life if we make it to old age.

One thing I've noticed about old people, though. The ones I have been acquainted with are very strong inside. I admire their inner strength. They remind me of those plastic dolls that you blow up and when you punch them, they always come back up. Old people are like that. No matter what life throws at them, they always get right back up. They don't give up. I find that admirable, very admirable indeed. My dad had that inner strength. So did my grandmother. My mother's got that inner strength, too. As for my friend Larry who passed over about three months ago, he had the greatest inner strength I've ever seen in anyone. I even told him once that he was very strong inside. He told me, " I just don't give up no matter what. That's all."
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I just finished a banana milk shake. I love food with bananas in it ( banana pancakes, banana waffles, sliced banana rings with chocolate syrup on them, banana flavored milk, banana flavored ice cream, fresh bananas, ice cream sundaes with bananas in them, fruit salad with bananas ......... yummy !!!!! :p

As for meats, my favorite is chicken. I am a true chicken fan. I like fried chicken, grilled chicken, chicken steak, popcorn chicken ( KFC) ,chicken soup with vegetables, etc. When the chicken flu was going around :-1 and ( I heard from the news) some people were dying from chicken flu, I was able to abstain from chicken for a few days but after that, I just couldn't take it anymore. :-5 I had to have my chicken !!!!!! I didn't care what happened to me so long as I had my chicken ( that's how much of a chicken fan I truly am !!!) .

My insomnia is getting so bad that I stay up practically all night now. Last night, I went to bed at around 4:00 a.m. in the morning, slept for only a couple of hours and then got up again.

I've got this one student. She always comes to class with bags under her eyes and she always looks like she just woke up. I asked her what her favorite activity was. She told me liked to sleep. I BELIEVE HER !!!! :) I asked her what time she woke up today. She said ,"I just woke up." Again, I BELIEVED her ! :wah:
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Next week is Larry's birthday. It would've been his 70th birthday. I always gave him a birthday card every year. I miss him sooooo much. :-1 I knew that I cared about him and that he was my best friend and that he was the kindest, most gentlest person I ever knew but I had no idea how much I really, really loved him until I lost him. That saying is true: You don't know how much you love something until it's gone. During the five years that I knew him, he gave me lots of cards ( Christmas cards, New Years cards, Birthday cards, Valentine's Day cards, etc.) and lots of little gifts. The first time that I met him, he gave me a friendship card and a small replica of a totem pole. He gave me calendars every December, a cross necklace and a stick pin for Christmas, a white bathrobe for my birthday, a hand knitted handbag, a world map, etc. He always went out of his way to help me whenever he thought I had a problem. This month is really difficult for me: It's Larry's birthday and next month, we were supposed to have gotten married. We had already set the date, made all the arrangements......... then he became critically ill and passed over.

Everytime I look at the gifts, the cards, the notes, the e-mails that he sent me, tears automatically flow by themselves and I feel so incredibly sad. I think I must've cried ( really hard) for at least more than a few times already since Larry passed on. Everytime there's a reminder of him somewhere ( places where I used to go with him, the restaurants we used to eat at, songs that remind me of him ) , the tears come. I've cried in internet cafes, my bedroom, public places, etc. when a reminder unexpectedly pops up about him.

Shortly after he died, a medium told me that she heard the song " Leaving on a Jet Plane" ( sung by John Denver) when his spirit was near. When I read the words to this song, I thought Ohhhhh My God, this is exactly like the relationship that I had with him. He travelled often and I really missed him every time he had to go. I always hated to see him go.

Larry, I am sooooo sorry for all of the times that we argued with each other, all the times that I didn't spend enough time with you because I "had to work", all the times that I might've let you down or hurt your feelings. I want you to know that I didn't mean it. I wish I could've known beforehand that you were about to pass over. I would've tried much, much harder to send you more e-mails, spent more time with you, eaten more meals with you, taken you out more, I would've spent more time talking on the phone with you, sent you more cards...... now, it's too late. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you. Larry, I wish I could turn back the hands of time, at least 6 months before you passed over and I would make it the best 6 months of your entire life. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LARRY !!!! ( See, I haven't forgotten !.... and I'll never forget.... for the rest of my life.) You're always going to be alive, Larry because you're always going to be in my heart. Your friends tell me that you're dead. Well, I don't believe them !!! I know that you're still alive ( just in another form, in another plane, dimension or whatever ). Thank you for the messages that you gave me through the medium. Thank you for coming through.

Larry, I wrote this poem for you :

Everytime

Everytime I think of you, I feel I can fly

I feel I've got wings that come from up high

I feel I've got hope when things go bad

'cause you're the best friend I've ever had

Everytime I see your pic, I know that you're there

I know that you love me, I know that you care

Death took you from me, I don't think it's fair

When I got the news, my soul laid bare

The tears won't stop, it never will

I care about you, I love you still

Everytime I hear a song that reminds me of you

a smile appears for a moment, then my soul feels blue

our memories together I shall keep within

we were so close, we were like kin

Your death is really hard for me

As you can probably see

But I will keep my chin up and look forward to that day

When I see you again and can say,

"Hey stranger ! How was your day ?"

Everytime I see pics of heaven, I know you are there,

So you rest easy now

"Cause we reap what we sow

And you only sowed love to everyone you knew

And we'll meet one day, in church, in the heavenly pew !

Please don't forget me, Larry. I know I'll never forget you !!!

Remember what we always used to say to each other ?

TOGETHER...... FOREVER !
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Even though I'm not a kid anymore, I still ( really) like stuffed animals. They are just sooooo cute and soft and loveable ! :-4 I've got stuffed animals on my bed, in my clothes closets, in my display cabinets, on top of the closets, in my jewellry closets and in the bag I carry around with me all of the time. I have stuffed animals in all sizes, too : tiny, small, big and extra large. I have three extra large stuffed animals and the rest are small and tiny. No matter how old I get ( and believe me, I'm not young !), I think I will always like stuffed animals. I don't have a favorite stuffed animal either ! I like all of them equally.

I saw two exciting sermons on t.v. last night. They were excellent and I liked the dramatics of the two pastors who spoke. Since I don't have time to go to church on Sundays because I'm teaching ( yes, I teach on Sundays,too !!!), I watch the sermons on t.v. or listen to online sermons on the internet. I need that "inspirational dose" at least once a week. It keeps me going.

Yesterday night, a strange thing happened. My alarm clock was ringing at a different time that I set it to ring. It's never done that before. It wasn't even a ringing sound either. It was like a small tapping noise. My clock usually doesn't make tapping noises. It rings. It took me a while to figure out that the tapping noises were coming from my alarm clock because the tapping sounds were so subtle. At first, I thought maybe a small animal had gotten into my room and were making those noises.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

It's Sunday today. So much is happening so fast. One of the schools that I'm teaching at is really going down the drain ( or seems to be). There are really a lot of students there ( I would say about a hundred) but the school is in financial distress right now and I really don't know why. The tuition costs are too cheap ? mismanagement ? there should be more students to keep the school floating out of financial debt ? not enough teachers ? too many teacher cancellations ? I really don't know ! :thinking: Only the school's management knows the real reason why the school is going down and I know them well enough to know that they're not going to tell anyone the real reason. They're not pretending that everything is okay but they're not telling anyone what's really going on either except to say that the economic crises has severely effected them. Thank goodness, I work at two schools so if this school closes down, I still have another school to work at. I won't be unemployed ( hopefully !!! :-3 ). The other school I work at is a small school in a mall. That school doesn't have many students but seems to be doing okay ( as compared to this school, anyway !). That school only has four classrooms and lately, there are students and teachers ( me, being one of them) in every one of the four classrooms. I hope it continues to do well because I really like :) that school.

I'm such a shopaholic. I love shopping and I swear, I buy stuff every day ! A lot of the times I buy stuff that I really don't need at the moment, such as photo frames, another small bottle of shampoo, some more soap, jewellry, etc. I might not need them at the moment but later on, it turns out that there's a need for it or I have to use it. Fate ? Perhaps. Coincidence? Maybe.

I don't know if I'm addicted to shopping or not. I just know that shopping makes me happy. Buying cute little things that are inexpensive makes me soooo happy :D. I'm not rich ( more like on the definitely not rich side so I have to be careful to buy only cheap ( but hopefully, good quality) stuff.

I love jewellry ( mine are mostly on sale, bargain basement, dime store type stuff ) and I've just noticed that when I'm feeling down or life isn't a bed of roses for me at the moment, I stop wearing jewellry. I just (unconsciously) not wear it but when things improve or life is going well, I automatically wear jewellry ( again, unconsciously). It's almost like an automatic action from me, something I don't really think about.

I've got a cold at the moment but thank goodness, it's not a bad one. I coughed a little bit this morning before going to the school so I took some cold tablets. I skipped breakfast this morning, had snacks for lunch ( sauced meatballs on a stick and a small fishball salad with fresh cabbage). To go with the snacks, I drank an iced fruit juice.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

A few days ago, it was Teacher's Day ( it's the day when students pay respects to their teachers and thank them for teaching them). Today, one of my students gave me a late Teacher's Day present ( a small notebook with a plastic red cover) so that was kind of her as I wasn't expecting any presents from any of my students. I just feel so honored to be one of the many teachers all around the world. I think teaching is a great profession ! :) How wonderful it is to be able to impart knowledge on so many eager young minds. I have always wanted to be a teacher and being able to teach is really a dream come true for me.

Yesterday, one of my teacher friends called me up on the cell phone while I was waiting for the bus. We talked for a little while about the school's dire situation. I told her that I felt like the school was going downhill ( increasing teacher absenteeism, no substitute teachers, decreasing student enrollment, not enough funds for the many costs that come with running a school, etc.) and she told me she felt the same way. She told me that she wasn't going to show up at the school anymore and start looking for a new teaching job elsewheres. She felt it was a waste of time being there. She asked me what I was going to do ( about this situation.) I told her that I felt sorry for the school and I'm going to stick by it until the end. I told her that I knew it was a waste of time to continue being there but I just felt that it was the right thing to do. I would feel guilty if I left a dying school - it would go down even faster if I wasn't there since I'm teaching so many subjects for them right now.

I know I'm only one person down there but maybe I can help the school last a bit longer with my help there - I hope so ! She didn't agree with my decision but that's okay. It's my decision and I'm going to stick with it. If the school really does close down, at least I would've known that I had done my part in helping them until the very last minute. I know that I don't like it when people leave me when I'm in trouble so I'm sure the school doesn't like it either when teachers are leaving at a time when the school needs them the most.

In the evening, she called me again but I wasn't able to pick up ( my cell phone) at that time so I called her back. We talked about the situation some more for more than half an hour. I wonder if I'm a talkaholic ? :-3 I certainly do enjoy talking !!! :D I think I talked more than she did as she mostly listened.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I've been having nightmares lately ( probably job related because I normally don't have nightmares). My latest nightmare went like this :

Me and a friend are in a desert somewhere when I see a man shooting at us from afar with a long barreled gun. We both duck down on the sand. He keeps shooting. I see gunfire. One of the bullets grazes my arm and it's bleeding but only a little bit of blood has come out of the wound.

In the dream, I seem to realize that this is a danger zone and I ( and the other here) could get killed at any moment but for some strange reason, we are taking our chances. I arrive at a small store-like place with a couple of people sitting there having a worship service. I sit down and join them. I know ( in my dream) that worship services are forbidden here and we could get killed at any moment. We continue our worship service anyway in spite of the danger that we're all in. End of nightmare.

I looked up the meanings in my dream interpretation book. A gun symbolizes injustice which is being done to me. Blood means something's wrong with my heath and I need to get a checkup. I couldn't find the other meanings in my Dream Book.

Injustice ? How could that be ? :thinking: Oh well, if that happens to be true, I'll let things go. I'm a firm believer that what goes 'round comes 'round and if I'm receiving injustice right now, then one day that person will receive an injustice in their lives as well.

One reason why I like weekends so much is because every weekend, there's an open market ( actually two open markets) near my home. There's a huge variety of stuff to look at and they're all cheap. I like cheap. I bought a lot of food because the food there is incredibly cheap. There were a lot of people there ( at the market) last night and most of the people were buying food as well.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

This world that we live in seems like an upside down, topsy-turvy world. People that are kind are considered weak, people who do nice things for others are seen as "sweetening" the other person up so that they can get something out of the other person ( that they want), people who cheat others are considered "clever", people who are evil or selfish or conniving "go up" the job ladder, receiving promotions, praise, higher salaries, fame and fortune, people who "sleep around" are considered popular, etc. WHAT is this world coming to ? :( I just DON'T understand it !!! :-2 :thinking:

I see examples of this in my own life and the lives of those around me. It is SAD :-1 What will this world come to if greed, selfishness,lust, money rules ? By writing this, I am not proclaiming self-righteousness although I do try ( hard) to be a good person. I try to be kind to everyone, even though they might not be kind to me. It's depressing sometimes because the end results are sometimes not good, which makes me think :-2 , hey, whatever happened to "what goes around comes around ?" It seems to me like the wicked rule and the good people are stuck with bad health, a job that's either going nowhere or is routine and dull, marital problems, endless problems, etc. Sorry if I sound like a gloom-and-doom kind of person in this post but I'm trying to be realistic about this because this is what I see, all around me.

There are countless examples of this in my PAST and also in my PRESENT life. One good example is a situation that happened in my recent past ( about a year ago, but for me, a year ago is still recent because one year goes by so quickly anyway). By the way, this is a TRUE story. I know it is true because it happened to me.

I had a student with a brain disorder. He had violent tendencies. The other teachers didn't want him in their classes so the staff put him in my class. The other kids were scared of him and I don't blame them one bit. He would fantasize ( he did this often) that they were his enemies and hit them ( hard) a couple of times, punch them on the face, shout at them, etc. The only reason why the school tolerated this kid was because his parents were extremely rich, gave lots of money to the school and so the school treated this kid and his parents well. His parents hired a babysitter who followed him everywhere because they were worried ( like 24 hours) about their son.

The babysitter stole money ( lots of it !) from the kid's pockets and wallet, left him alone for hours at a time while she went shopping or did some other stuff, convinced him to hate certain people, etc. but in front of the kid's parents, she was super sweet to the kid and acted like she really cared about him. After viewing her "actions" for several months, I couldn't take it anymore. Due to his brain disorder ( he had very short memory, no concentration, he couldn't speak coherently, he spoke to "invisible" friends all of the time, etc.), the kid obviously couldn't protect or defend himself so I felt a need to do it for him. I told the kid's parents what I saw and heard. I felt they had a right to know since they were the kid's parents and they were paying this babysitter a huge salary for taking good care of their kid and she was taking advantage of this kid every chance she got. They were enraged and told the babysitter to "clean up" her act or else they would fire her. She cried, denied everything and lied to the kid's parents that she loved their kid as though he were her very own. I swear she looked totally believable when she told the kid's parents how much she loved and cared about their son. To make a long story short, the parents believed her story, gave her a raise for making her "cry" and continued hiring her as their son's babysitter . As for me, the parents took the kid out of my classroom and berated me for saying harsh things about their "sweet, caring" babysitter. The babysitter, after the parents left, wiped away her crocodile tears and said to me ( with an evil look in her eyes), "Look sweetheart, in this world, evil rules and that's all there is to it, understand ? And don't try telling the parents any more stuff about me because they're not going to believe you. I'm an expert at this. Don't mess with me, honey, if you want to continue working at this school. I know how to get you into some real trouble."

All the time, I see people who are rude, self centered and obnoxious but they have loads and loads of friends who " adore" them and "love" them and are totally "faithful" to them. OH MY, WHAT is this world coming to ? :( At the same time, I see kind , good people who are "victims" of life, having "bad things" thrown at them ( betrayal, getting fired, being loaded down with problem after problem, barely being able to make ends meet, being taken advantage of, etc.). I ask, WHERE is the justice in all this ???? :-2 :thinking:

I'm just afraid that if this continues, then the good people might just possibly stop being good and start thinking, being good isn't getting me anywhere so now I'll be bad because I want the "good things" in life ( promotions, high salary, a nice car, big house, etc. ) . Ooooooohhhh, I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope the good people continue being good ( even if it doesn't "pay off"). The world needs more love, more kindness, more caring, more unselfishness and more "positive vibes" in order to survive (fruitfully).
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I'm having a very restful day today :yh_sleep which is great because I've had to work quite hard lately. Today is the first day of this week that I was able to get some decent rest. Working at two schools is taking its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I'm physically tired and mentally drained. :yh_tired I have muscular aches on my shoulders, back and the backs of my arms. I believe they are caused by stress and carrying a bunch of school books around ( they feel like they weigh a ton !).

Latest update on the school situation : The other teacher ( who is still here at the school) is starting to take more days off ( on his own). Last week, he didn't show up on Tuesday and Wednesday ( he called in sick), on Thursday and Friday, he didn't come because he had to take some out-of-town relatives sightseeing. He told the school that he wouldn't be able to come this Sunday because he's got to attend a friend's wedding. He showed up today, more than 30 minutes late for his class and he didn't seem to be in a hurry to get to his room because he sat down in front of the computer ( at the receptionist's desk) and was eating some food that he had brought with him. The management saw him but didn't say anything. I guess they didn't know what to say. With the teacher's salaries reduced by more than half because of the dire financial situation going on at the school, what can they say ? Besides, there are only two teachers left right now ( me and him) and this man looks like he's halfway out the door already. He told me ( not too long ago) that he was already looking for a new job.

I come into the school and see all these empty classrooms and no teachers walking around ( except me and him- that is, on days that he does show up). A few days ago, I was the only teacher in the whole school ( he didn't come that day) and so the school combined two classes together and put them in my room so I ended up with a bunch of students. It was a bit depressing because some of them seemed unappreciative of my efforts to teach them ( so they wouldn't have to come to school and not be able to learn anything because of lack of teachers) and were complaining under their breath and making faces. They like the other teacher more than me because he's young, male, charming and quite good looking. A lot of the students at this school are girls. Only about 10% of them are boys. Their attitudes sagged my spirits quite a bit as at this harrowing time, I need a moral boost ( or a moral uplift) and not negative reactions in order to continue giving my full 105% to this school.

In order to get some badly needed funds coming into the school, the management is now renting out the front part of the school and about 60% of the first floor ( the school has alltogether 4 floors) to any interested merchants that need cheap monthly rental space. Allready, one merchant ( selling meatballs) has rented out about 10% of the front part of the school.

I was thinking, if there are a lot of merchants that are interested in renting these available spaces, this school won't look like much of a school anymore. It's going to look like a food park or some kind of a food place. Ah well, I guess the management have to do what they have to do in order to survive. I do admire the management for doing everything they can to keep the school afloat but with only two teachers in tow, about a hundred students still attending, a bunch of empty classrooms, debts piling up, more money (expenses) going out than coming in- how much longer can this school actually survive under these circumstances ? ( I mean, really ?)

The school has already cut tuition costs in half in order to get more students to come in. It is sort of working in that there are already about 30 new students at the school since the last two months. Some of them aren't happy, though. For almost every class they have, they keep seeing me ( or the other teacher) and that's it. They want to see other teachers, too but there aren't any other teachers here. Actually, I think they're lucky that I'm still here otherwise these kids would have to go home since there would be no classes to attend.

I wish life was easier and everything flowed smoothly-no problems, no struggles, no obstacles to overcome- but then that's not life, is it ? Life is a gigantic garden of roses-big, beautiful roses in full bloom swaying ever so gently in a lovely, warm breeze underneath the bright, welcoming rays of the sun- with prickly, stabbing thorns all over. Life is beauty- and pain- at the same time. If we can pick the roses, we also have to accept all the thorns that come with them.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Yesterday was a religious holiday so I didn't have to show up at school, which was a good thing because I needed the r&r ( rest and relaxation) and a temporary break from my very tiring teaching schedule. I took advantage of the day off. I went walking around, shopped, visited a flea market, etc. - it was great !

I also went to a tarot card reader and asked about the school situation. After she laid out the cards, she told me that this school just isn't going to make it. I said, how much longer ? She said, at the most 5-7 months. She said that money was coming into the school on a regular basis but it wasn't enough for all of the expenses incurred by the school. She told me that the school would have to close down due to the economic crises.

I think the stress I'm surrounded by is starting to get to me. I looked in the mirror and I had quite a few white hairs, a couple of tension lines on my forehead and I looked much older. Last night, the insomnia was super bad. I was awake the whole night. From 9:00 p.m. until 6:00 a.m. in the morning, I was still wide awake and not the least bit sleepy. So, I did lesson preparations- that took about 2 hours. I watched t.v for about an hour, read an article in a magazine, etc. and still didn't feel the least bit tired. My whole body felt itchy- probably due to stress.

At around 9:00 a.m. in the morning, I had breakfast with my mother- it was a nice one- eggs sunny side up, sausages, stir-fry noodles, fruit juice, tea and iced water.

A Valentine's Day poem for everyone who reads my journal :

Valentine's Day is drawing near

bringing with it merry hearts full of loving cheer

love abounds, near and far

for where love exists, there is no scar

of the soul

no empty hole

for envy or hate to dwell

for where love is, all is well

for love forgives, and lives, and lives,

in the hearts and minds

of us all,

whether light or dark, short or tall

love will never go away

love will always be here to stay

for love is pure and love is true

love is there, even when we're feelin' blue

'cause when someone shows he truly cares

it comes from the heart, not phony airs

for love is not a mask in which to hide

the empathy we feel like an incoming tide

that goes to others, when they're not at their best

we take their place, so they can rest

when love is there

it shows we care

the fears subside, they go away

replaced by love, which will stay

forever more

like an open door

that welcomes others in

and treats them as friends, and as kin

instead of strangers that we know not

our love is warm , our love is hot

warms the souls of those around us

it has to ! it must !
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

Star light, Star bright

It's so great to see you tonight

Such beauty ! What an awesome sight !

May I make a wish, on this star-filled night ?

Can you see me , Star

although you are afar

I believe you can hear me

I believe you can answer, I believe you can see

I believe in your power

So from you, I will not cower

but be brave, and ask

you for an impossible task

Please help the school that I'm at

It isn't all this, and it isn't all that

It's not going to make it, I know for sure

but the ones who are still there, their motives are pure

I don't have an answer, I don't have a cure

to help this school not go down the drain

fighting 'till the last minute has been a real pain

so. please Star, don't let my fighting go for naught

for a cause that I thought worthy to have fought

for if the school stays on to help these poor,

we can help these kids reach their destined shore,

get to their goal , unhindered and free

to be what they want, can't you see ?

So , thank you Star, for hearing me out

for letting me talk, for letting me shout

about a wish that I want to come true,

so grant me this wish, that you will do

So all the children can give thanks to you !
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

It was an absolutely perfect day. Nothing went wrong- absolutely n-o-t-h-i-n-g !

I made up my mind that today I would definitely go to my favorite charity and donate some money to them. I used to do that every month and kept it up for a very long time but I didn't give any donation money last month and last December because I just didn't feel like it- I was too depressed from the many things ( problems) coming my way.

So today- I told myself- NO EXCUSES !- I must, absolutely must go to the charity place and give some money for their cause- free funerals and burials for the deceased who have no relatives or friends.

I left the house in the late afternoon. I only had to wait for a few minutes before the bus I needed to get on came ( usually, I have to wait for more than just a few minutes). The traffic was quite good and it only took me about a little bit more than a hour to get to the charity place. When I arrived, there were hardly any people there ( which is great because there are usually a lot of people there, bumping into each other and trying to find a space to walk in ). I gave them some money, lit some candles, offered up some prayers for the deceased and then left. Every road that I had to cross- yes, every road - happened to have a red light when I was about to cross that particular road so that was wonderful- I didn't have to wait at all before crossing the roads. That has never happened to me before. When I got to the bus stop, I only had to wait for a few minutes before the bus that I was waiting fo came ( I usually have to wait for quite a long time). I got on the bus and it was full so I had to stand up but that was only for a short while because - ANOTHER FANTASTIC COINCIDENCE- the woman that was sitting in the seat that I was standing right next to got up after a few bus stops and I was able to sit in her seat- AMAZING !

I read in a book somewhere that if we're on the right track, things will go smoothly for us but if we're doing something wrong-wrong job, wrong decision-making, wrong place at the wrong time- then life will put up obstacles and barriers right in front of us so that we'll know we're headed in the wrong direction. If that's true, then today I was on the right track by donating some money to my favorite charity.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

It was Valentines Day last week so I gave my students handmade red felt hearts with red bows on them on green sticks (they look sort of like flowers but they're hearts instead of where the flowers should be). Usually, everytime it's Valentines Day, I always think about whether or not anyone will give me something ( chocolates, roses, a card, etc.) and I'm usually always disappointed because I usually don't get anything. Other people get something but I usually get nothing but then this year, the thought occurred to me that, "Hey, instead of expecting something ( which usually doesn't work), I should be the giver instead of the receiver." That's when the idea of the handmade hearts came to my mind.

Also, I gave my elderly mother a bouquet of red roses. She loves flowers. Some of her friends also gave her a bouquet of roses as well . They're pink and look really good.

A few days ago, one of the staff at the school that I'm working at was almost in tears. Since all of the salaries of the people who still work at the school were cut in half, she's really finding it hard to make ends meet. We've all been scrimping and saving but barely make it through each month with the measly salary they give us (which is below the minimum wage ). She was almost ready to call it quits with this school and find a new job but then she changed her mind quickly and told her friends there that she'll hang on for a little bit longer. The work load is very heavy for the few remaining staff still there at the school and they feel like they're being taken advantage of.

It seems like the students are starting to get bored of having only two teachers here. It's either me or the other teacher in the classroom and a lot of the students are now starting to skip classes, come late or not show up for weeks. Times have really changed. When I was a student ( which was a long,long time ago), I never skipped classes, never came into the classroom late and always did my homework. Today's students aren't that way- it's either THEIR way or the highway. I feel sorry for them. They don't seem to know that they need a good education for their future.

I hope this worldwide economic crises gets better soon. I see homeless people sleeping under the trees, under the bridges and at bus stops and I see so many unemployed people everywhere with companies and businesses closing down and I feel so sorry for them. Mind you, I know that if the economic crises continues, I might be one of the unemployed people out there ( I hope that doesn't happen as I love my teaching work but I have to be realistic about this whole situation).

I think that if everyone sticks together, love each other and help each other out with willing minds and willing hearts and willing bodies without thinking about what they will get out of it , we can make it through this economic crises but all of us have to pull together- for each other.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

Yesterday , I ate at an inexpensive buffet place. They let you eat there for an hour and a half ( as much as you can eat in that time) for one price only. I eat in places like that only once in a very, very long time.

The food was quite good and there was a huge variety to choose from. I had suki , salad, fruit , dessert and about three drinks ( fruit punch, green tea and lemon tea). There were a lot of customers ( probably because it was Saturday).

After that, I went walking around for a while.

I know that some people like the weekends because they have days off from work during Saturdays and Sundays but for me, every day is pretty much the same.

I do like rest and relaxation sometimes, though because I need it ( at least twice a week anyway). I also take naps during the day if I can. I need those, too.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

Fourteen students showed up for my Reading class ( there are supposed to be around 25 students for this class). There were mostly girls and only one boy, who sat far away from the girls even though the girls in this class are quite attractive. It rained pretty hard in the evening so I'm kind of impressed that more than 10 students showed up. They usually like to skip class if it's raining. When I was young ( which was a long, long time ago), I showed up for every class, rain or shine. I never used the weather as an excuse not to attend class. My, how times have changed !

Now that I'm getting older and older, I get tired more easily and can't do a whole lot of activity without feeling really tired afterwards. A one or a two hour nap after lots of activity usually refreshes me.

I hope that the tarot card prediction about this school closing down in 5-7 months proves wrong and that the school will somehow be able to survive and stay on. I know that it will take a miracle but I really hope that a miracle happens in this case, not so much for me but for the students. I've been at this school long enough to know that this school truly cares for the students and has already sacrificed a lot in behalf of the students. The students don't look very appreciative of the school's efforts for them, though ( probably because they're so young).

I went to a book store yesterday and a lot of the books were on sale (they were good books, too !). I'm a real bookworm and decided to take advantage of this sale by buying quite a few books. My bedroom is full of books. I love books and reading is one of my favorite pasttimes. Everytime I have a day off, I always try to go to at least one bookstore and see what new books they've got down there. One of my friends ( she's an Indian and a real brainy person ) once told me, "Nok, education is power and what you don't know can hurt you. " I agree with her. Some people say that ignorance is bliss. I disagree. Knowledge and knowing about things is bliss. You can't do anything wisely or make any wise decisions if you're not in the know.

The staff ( what's left, anyway) are in a spectacular mood. They're smiling and laughing a lot. They said it's useless to be upset and stressed all of the time. It makes one look older than one really is and they don't want to look old.

One of the staff has been laid off to save expenses for the school. He was a smart, young kid who had good ideas and was always trying to find ways to improve the school. I really think the school made a mistake in letting him go but that's just my opinion. He reorganised the files and made them look better and easier to find. He was also a really fast learner and was able to do his job quicker than most newbies. Whatever company or school hires him will be lucky because he's efficient and full of new ideas.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

Yesterday, I was the only teacher at the school. About 11 students showed up for my Grammar class ( mostly girls and one boy). I taught about Parts of Speech and Articles ( two easy topics). I saw one of my students ( an Indian girl) on the same bus as me. We were both on our way to the school. She works and in the evenings, she comes to study at the school.

I wonder what happened to that other teacher ? I barely see him anymore. I guess he's already about 85% out of the school already. Maybe he's already got a new job ? I don't know. The last time I saw him he didn't say anything about that. We just had small, unimportant chit-chat about the CD shop that rented half of the space of the 1st floor of the school already.

The air conditioners at the school stopped working so some repairmen were called in to fix the problem. They got the floors wet and made a lot of noise so some students came into the school from the back door instead of the front door. The owner of the school always asks me how many students are in my class. I have no idea why he wants to know. What does it matter how many students are in the cllassroom anyway ?

I think that I made a bo-bo ( a mistake) yesterday.I'm kind of a straightforward person who likes to say it the way it is or the way that I really feel about something but unfortunately, I keep forgetting that the people around me likes sugar coated words ( which I'm not good at ). Me and one of the staff ( there's only 3 of them now) were talking about an ex- employee at the school. I told her something that this employee had told me and she was like ," Is that true !?! Did she really say that ? !? " She didn't really believe that this employee would say stuff like that and she wasn't pleased by my telling her about it. I forgot that this ex-employee and this girl were very close friends and she was very fond of this ex- employee. Strange how she's so fond of that ex-employee because that ex-employee wasn't all that fond of her. She would criticize this girl behind her back and get her into all kinds of trouble but her fondness of this girl never wavered. Why do people like people who are bad to them ? I just don't understand it ! Anyway, she walked away from me with a look of displeasure on her face and ignored me after that. I don't like being ignored so I walked away as well and went upstairs to my classroom.

People keep saying that there's an economic crises going on right now but I still see people eating, working, buying, selling, etc. Sure, there are a lot of people unemployed right now but there's still a lot of people who are still working.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

Yesterday, I had some free time so I looked at some old photo albums with pics of a much-much younger me. My life has really changed a lot from the way it was more than 10 years ago. Back then, I was cute, thin, looked young, had friends, talked on the phone all of the time , was fashionable, changed my hairstyle often, wore bows, ribbons, cute hair pins in my hair, had boyfriends, had a good salary with bonuses at a reputable company ( back then, I wasn't a teacher. I was a Managerial Secretary and my boss was a person who was well known in his field ), I travelled to different countries often (courtesy of the company that I worked in at that time), sightseed a lot and life just seemed so carefree at that time.

I don't know what's happened since then. It seems like everything has changed. Now, I'm fat and no matter how hard I try to lose weight, nothing works. It seems like I'm destined to be obese. I'm ugly and look old. Since I'm fat, I don't really care about clothes and just put on anything that I have. I don't bother with my hair anymore because it just doesn't seem worth the trouble. I'm friendless. People don't want to have anything to do with me because they say I'm ugly and old-fashioned in my thinking. When I call people up on the phone, they say they're busy and hang up on me.

Personality-wise, I do believe that I'm the same person I was more than 10 years ago. It's just the people around me and my life situations that have changed.

About 2 years ago, a reputable tarot card reader told me that my life would be full of rain and dark storms for the time being but I should hold on because I would reach a brilliant light at the end of a long, dark tunnel after a long struggle. He said I would be well rewarded for my past efforts but for now, I would continue receiving disappointments from the people I trust and life would not be rosy for quite a long while. He said that in the distant future, life would really be good for me and I would be well-rewarded for all of my past deeds. I hope he's right.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

I had such a very depressing day today. Maybe if I write about it, I'll feel better ( I certainly hope so ! ). Maybe what I need to do is get my feelings out on paper. Nothing else seems to help.

It started in the early morning. My mother was extremely cranky. She's usually cranky ( around me, anyway). She banged and kicked my bedroom door very hard ( don't know where she got all that strength from since her knees are supposed to be weak). I opened the door quickly, thinking maybe something bad had happened. She slapped me in the face, very hard. It took me by surprise and I was speechless. It's not that she's never slapped me before. It's happened many times before but not in the early mornings. It usually happens in the evenings or at nights. When I managed to get over my shock, I asked her what the problem was.

She said it was me. She's ashamed of me because I'm very fat and very ugly ( she tells me this several times a day. I don't know why. She tells me so often that I'm starting to believe that I truly am a piece of worthless crap.) She told me that before I was born, she tried to abort me a couple of times because she didn't want me. She said that when I was born, I was the ugliest baby she'd ever seen. She said that as a child I was an ugly duckling and now, I've grown into an ugly adult. She said that it's no wonder I don't have any friends since I'm so pathetic and ugly. My rotten brother and his live-in girlfriend then came into the room and joined my mother in the verbal attack. My brother looked at me and said, "Hey, mom. You're right. She is pathetic. She belongs in a trash can, if you ask me." His live-in girlfriend then said ," It's no wonder she's not married yet. No one wants her. Yeeecch ! Look at that face ! It's a monster !" All three of them laughed. I was so upset that I cried, right in front of them. I cried and then ran off to another room. When they saw my tears, my mother said "Crocodile tears from a living monster." and then they laughed again.

It's getting more and more difficult for me to be my mother's caretaker because of the physical and verbal abuse that I receive from her, my brother and his live-in lover on a daily basis but I must continue taking care of her, no matter what. Nobody else is taking care of her so I must do it because I feel sorry for her. Even though my mother doesn't love me, I do love her and want the best for her. Even though I can't really say she is a good mother ( to me, anyway. She's very loving towards my brother, the apple of her eye.) , she is my mother and I will take care of her .

Now that I wrote down this morning's happenings , I can't really say I feel better

( as I'm typing this out, tears are falling from my eyes nonstop because I'm sooo nice to my mother and in return, I get physically and emotionally abused from her )

.

Oooooohhhhhhhh , I wish my friend Larry was still here, on this earth plane. He was such a great listener and always so caring and kind to me. He was the only person in my life who I felt really cared about me and tried to help me. He was the only bright spot in my dark tunnel of a life. Now that he's gone, I feel like I'm in total darkness. Oooooooohhhhhhh, where is that light at the end of my dark tunnel ? I don't see it ! I JUST DON"T SEE IT !!!!!!!!!!!! I DON"T SEE IT !!!!!!!!!

Oooooooohhhhhhh. Larry where are you ??????? I need emotional support from you sooooo badly right now. I feel like my life is spiralling downwards quicker than I can take it. OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, I'm sooooooooo sad.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

Today, in the afternoon when I was teaching my afternoon class ( Basic English), a little boy was jumping up and down in front of the room. At first, I thought it was a litle Filipino boy whose parents are taking a language class close to my room. However, when I looked at him, I realized that it was one of my own students from last year's summer school class ( a children's class). He's still as cute and sweet as ever but he's grown a few inches from last year. He remembered me and told the receptionist that I'm a good teacher. That was nice of him to say that. I needed that compliment. He tolds the receptionist that he wanted to be in one of my summer school classes. She told him that she would see what she could do about that.

For lunch, I had hungarian beef goulash ( with potatoes ) over rice. It was very good. I had it in the school's cafeteria with kimchi ( I think that's what it's called. )The kimchi was nice, too.

Last weekend, I went to the open market and bought a bunch of cheap, sparkly jewellry. I love sparkly jewellry !

I will have to try harder to be more optimistic and positive from now on, no matter what.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

I love this poem. It really speaks volumes :

~~~ To Believe ~~~

To believe... is to know that every day is

a new beginning. It is to trust that miracles

happen, And dreams really do come true.

To believe... is to see Angels dancing among

the clouds, To know the wonder of a stardust

sky, And the wisdom of the man in the moon.

To believe... is to know the value of a nurturing

heart, The innocence of a child's eyes and the

beauty of an aging hand, For it is through their

teachings we learn to love.

To believe... is to find the strength

And courage that lies within us.

When it is time to pick up the pieces and

begin again.

To believe... is to know we are not alone,

That life is a gift and this is our time

to cherish it.

To believe... is to know that wonderful surprises

Are just waiting to happen,

And all our hopes and dreams are within reach.

If only we believe.

--Author unknown

And, you want to know something ? I believe. I really do believe.

I can't believe how totally exhausted I am lately. I couldn't wake up today until almost 10:00 a.m. My muscles were all aching, I was just soooo sleepy and tired, all at the same time. I think working at two schools is starting to effect my body, especially since one of the schools that I'm at requires a lot of lesson preparations and teaching hours even though I'm barely getting paid there. Each class at that school lasts for 2 and a half hours ( that's too much for the students, if you ask me). I've talked to the Director about this matter, that class time should be reduced to only 2 hours instead of 2 and a half hours but he said no. All academic subjects must be 2 and a half hours each. He said it's worked for 23 years now and the class time will not be reduced. I said, but it's too long for the students. They're tired after only one class with us. It's too long and drawn out. He was adamant about this and said no. He said 2 and a half hours is fine.

I wondered if he's noticed that the school is going down and therefore, 2 and a half hours is not fine.

Hard to believe that 2 of the original staff are still there. Their loyalty to this school is incredible, even though both of them could easily find another job elsewheres because they're nice kids, responsible and completely trustworthy. Any employer would be lucky to have kids like these working for them. Steadfast loyalty like they've shown is incredibly hard to find these days, especially in young people. The boss sure is a lucky man to have these two kids still around for him. His wishes are their commands.

If the school really does close down in the near future, I'm going to miss them. They're good kids.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

A former student of mine called me up on the cell phone to tell me that she passed her English exams. She said it was because of me. She'd been to a lot of tutoring schools before but never managed to understand grammar. She said that it was when I became her tutor that she understood grammar and was able to ( finally !) pass her high school English test. She said she was going to buy me a thank you present and leave it with the receptionist at the school and I could get it from her.

In the afternoon, the receptionist handed me a bag that she told me was a gift from my student. I opened it and it was a peach colored cotton blouse with a lacy collar and lace trimmings. That was really kind of her to express appreciation towards me and give me a litle gift. Most students (when they finish my classes) just leave and that's that. They never contact me later to tell me that I've helped them or they really like my lessons even though I really need those kinds of verbal expressions of gratitude. It keeps me going because each lesson plan that I do really takes a lot out of me and is time consuming ( I don't know about other teachers but my lesson plans are very time consuming).

As for my other school ( the one that's slowly going down the drain ), the Manager decided to rent out all of the classrooms to small businesses except for one classroom - yep, that's right- the one that I'm still teaching in. I had eleven students attend the Reading class in the only room that the school is still keeping (for a classroom). Guess what ? The other teacher has already left and so now, I'm the only teacher there. Never thought I'd find myself in a situation where I was the only teacher in the school. I didn't think that kind of situation even existed. Until now. Still, I will stick by this school until it breathes its last breath. I will not leave it.

A little girl passed by me and said to me "Why are you the only teacher here ? Why is yours the only class here ? " I said to her, "That's just the way it is."
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

I did my Grammar class last night and just when I thought I couldn't possibly have fewer students than the 11 or 12 that were still showing up...... guess what ?.....it's finally happened ! Last night, I only had three students show up. At first, it was only two students sitting in a room full of empty chairs. The third showed up about 15 minutes late. One of her friends in the room said to her, "Oh. I thought you weren't coming anymore." The late student didn't say anything in reply ( probably because she didn't want to hurt my feelings...... I don't know). Anyway, it was good of these three girls to show up for my class. I wonder how I will feel if one day, I go to this school and I have 0 students showing up. Hopefully, that will not happen to me but then you never know. From 15 students, it decreased to 11 students, then 6 students and then last night, only three students. My Indian friend once told me, a long time ago, Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance. We are where we are at a certain moment because we are meant to be there.

I used to be a member of a Mormon church ( it's about an hour away from my home). There are about 30 members there and since I left that church several years ago, not one member from that church called to ask me why I'm not attending church anymore or ask me how I'm doing ..... not one !....... even though everybody at that church knows my phone number. It's no wonder they keep losing their members. They don't make an effort to show that they care for each other unless that member is pretty or young or handsome or a famous person. One of the girls that I knew( from church) stopped going to that church for 3-4 months and she told me she was really surprised that none of the members called her up or tried to contact her to ask her if anything was the matter or to tell her that they missed her or ask her if she was allright. She told me that if just one member had called her or visited or to check up on her, she would've immediately gone back to church but now that she knows they don't care about her, she feels it's better if she permanently stops going to church. I told her I felt the same way. If just one member had contacted me, I would've continued going to that church every Sunday.

I didn't get a phone call, a newsletter, a note, a visit ......... nothing ! I find that strange because I was a loyal Mormon church member for several years ( I tithed every month, visited church members, faithfully attended every church service, fireside, baptismal services, taught the youth, did the starting prayers for them, went with the missionaries to help them with their gospel lessons, etc. ). I think maybe one day I will go back to church but definitely not the Mormon church. Maybe a Catholic church or a Protestant church or a Seventh Day Adventist church but as for the Mormon church, I must say adios, senor (goodbye, sir) to it. I need a church that cares. Strange how every Sunday they have lessons about loving and caring about each other but in reality, they don't love each other. Several years ago ( when I was still attending church) , after a church service, I saw a lady who is one of the gospel teachers at that church. She saw me and said to me, "We preach love every Sunday but in reality, we don't love each other." This, coming from the mouth of a senior gospel teacher at the church.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
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Post by nok »

I just had a lovely papaya salad for dinner. I love to eat sweet and sour food with some veggies in it ( my favorite veggies are tomatoes, onions and bell peppers). I haven't eaten papaya salad for ages now so that was good to have it today. Lately, I've been drinking a lot of mineral water and natural water as opposed to soft drinks and sodas that I used to consume regularly, not so much for health reasons but because it just turned out that way. The waiter asks me what I would like to drink and I just immediately say, " A bottle of water, please." without having to waste time thinking about what choice to make from the list of drinks they have on their menu. Water. It's simple, easy, cheap and perfectly natural. The right choice.

Last night, my three faithful students showed up for my evening class. One of them asked to go back home early because she said that she doesn't like going back home so late at night ( the class finishes at 9:00 p.m. ). I said okay, and she left at 8:00 p.m. The other two students also decided to leave at 8:00 p.m. so I finished the class one hour earlier than usual. Thank goodness the boss wasn't there when the students left the room early otherwise he might have disapproved of their early dismissal. He's told me before that the classes must begin and end at their appointed times and they must last 2 and a half hours long ( way toooo long for a class, if you ask me ).

The weather is just sooooo super hot right now and I'm sweating buckets every single day and night. Everytime I sweat, my skin becomes super itchy ( maybe I'm allergic to my own sweat ? I don't know.) I hope the weather cools down a bit soon. Me and very hot weather just don't go together.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

A couple of days ago, while I was talking to one of the staff ( a male) at the school, he mentioned to me that it won't be long now before the school closes down. He said that right now, the school has absolutely no funds. It's operating on zero.

The manager of the school walked in ( not having heard our conversation) and said ( looking down) ," In the future, this school just might not make it. " When I heard from other people ( in the past) that they didn't think this school was going to make it, I probably believed them maybe 40-50% but now that I've heard it from the manager's mouth himself, I'm pretty sure almost 100% ( by the looks of things), that this school will definitely close down sometime in the near future.

That will be a sad day for me. I've invested myself so much emotionally here ( all my heart and soul) to doing everything I can ( in terms of teaching the students) so that this school will survive.

One of the staff ( a female) told me that things are quite quiet here and no new students are registering. There are only old students here who registered a long time ago.

The manager reduced my classes ( from the three classes that I was teaching before down to only one class now). He said that I needn't come in anymore except on Sundays until the school shuts down but that he would appreciate it if I would do my Grammar class ( on Mondays) 4 more times before he stops this class permanently. I said okay.

He told me that he's not going to hire any more new teachers and he's not going to allow any more students to register to study here. He said that other than the class that I'm still teaching, he will teach all other classes that are still going on at the school.

Kind of sad how this has all turned out. Last year, this school was just sooooo popular with the students. There was a huge student enrollment and this school was such a big hit and an envy of the other schools in the same area, who complained that this school was taking away a fair share of their previous student enrollment. Within a little bit more than a year, this school has gone down a lot. From super hit to super loss. From super popular to super failure. Some people ( on the staff) are saying it's due to mismanagement or some big mistakes on the management's part when it comes to making important decisions.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I had a nice, quiet kind of day today. I taught my private class ( at the small school in the shopping center) to my Australian student who used to be, and still is, a soldier. He must really be into the soldier thing because everytime I see him, he's always wearing some kind of a soldier outfit ( usually the brown soldier pants that have designs that look like leaves ) and he always carries soldier gear with him in his bag. I guess the saying, once a soldier, always a soldier applies to him. Teaching him was fun because he's friendly, talkative, nice and cooperative. We got a lot done and also had fun at the same time. I think that's important when you teach someone. Classes shouldn't be boring , too serious or too long and drawn out . If you're too serious, you lose them ( the students). Their minds wander elsewheres and that's not good.

I try to always let my students know that I am their friend as well as their teacher. I am there to listen to them, give them advice, give them some words of encouragement, laugh with them or summarize the lesson for them one more time if they just don't get it. I try to make my classes fun and enjoyable for them. I give them activities to do together so they can get to know their classmates and be friends with them.

My mother went to Foodland this morning with my brother. They like eating at Foodland because the food is prepared so quickly, it's inexpensive and the food is tasty. I went there with my mother before. I like their one minute steak with fries and a small side salad. They also do a really good job on their Chef's salad with all those vegetables, cherry tomatoes, sliced cheese strips , crunchy lettuce with a generous topping of Thousand Island dressing- yummy !
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I think that in some respects life is okay, such as nice beaches, good and happy dreams, nice people, good health, internet, etc. but there are some things that I wish didn't exist in life- really, really wish that they didn't exist- I'm talking about illnesses , deaths, nightmares, separations, abusive people ( whether mentally or physically, it doesn't matter. It's still abuse.), snakes, ants, bees that sting, giant cockroaches, mice, etc- I mean, REALLY, Why, Oh why, do these things have to be a part of life ? Life would be so much easier, nicer and better without these bad things in our life.

I especially dislike illnesses and deaths. In the past, I've already lost my grandmother, a co-worker at a bank that I used to work at, my father and my best friend to illnesses and deaths. It was when my best friend of over 5 years, Larry died last year of advanced kidney failure that, for the first time in my life, I wished I was psychic just so I could contact him and know how he was doing on The Other Side. I'm not saying that the other people's deaths didn't effect me- they did, and I was sad for a period of time-but with Larry, it was different. We seemed to have some sort of a soul connection even from the very beginning. We were like the same person but in two different bodies. We were so alike in personality and our thinking patterns that it was truly spooky- but comforting, at the same time because we understood each other so well that we didn't have to explain everything to each other all of the time. We just knew. I've never had that kind of connection with a human being before and probably never will again now that Larry has passed away. I hope it happens again but I doubt if it can, or will.

Since Larry passed away, I've stopped meeting people I've met on the internet in real life. When they want to actually meet me, I always say no because I realize how dangerous that can be- I mean, you don't know, really know, what kind of person they really are- what if what they're telling you about themselves all the time online are just a bunch of lies or they're escaped convicts or they're psychotic or crazy ? - anyway, you know what I mean. I don't want to take any more risks concerning people I meet online. I'm glad that I took that risk with Larry-he was a genuinely kind and warm-hearted individual- but, I'm not going to take that risk again. I know I risk losing a person/people who could eventually turn out to be a good friend in the future, but the negative side to these kinds of meetings makes me able to say no time and time again when people online ask to meet me somewhere.

Anyway, enough said about that. Today, I taught my private student ( at the shopping center) her writing class. She cancelled two weeks of classes so that she could go on holiday. She came back today, with two big bars of chocolate for me ! ( that was so sweet of her. I wasn't expecting it. It was a total surprise.) I'm always getting presents from my students at the small school that I teach in at the shopping center but I never get presents from any of my students at the big school that's going downhill. I don't know why. I'm not saying this because I want presents from them but it's really the thought that counts. I mean, presents say we appreciate you, we adore you, we're glad that you're our teacher, thank you for teaching us, etc. For me, the presents don't have to be big or expensive either. Just a small piece of candy from one of my students would make me happy because it shows that they're thinking about me and appreciate me. Kind of ironic really. I sacrifice more, spend more time and really, really do everything I can to help my students at the school that's going downhill and yet I never receive any presents from them. Not even a thank you. Even though I'm the only teacher still there right now. I don't even get a thank you or any expressions of appreciation from the staff or the management of the school for still being there- even when all of the other teachers have already left.

I love teaching at the small school at the shopping center. I feel so incredibly lucky to still be there. The students- most of them, anyway- are nice, responsible, eager to learn, friendly and cooperative- what's most important, they're reliable and show up for all of their classes until their class is finished. I love the small school so much that I feel like I'm on holiday everytime I teach there. I'm just soooo happy there- it's wonderful !!!!! :D The manager is down to earth, the school is small and cute ( kind of like a big dollhouse) and being in a shopping center is a real PLUS !!!!!!! :)
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

So, it's finally happened. The closure of the school that's going downhill. The manager finally accepted the reality of the situation-that it wasn't working- and decided to close it. I could tell the manager was sad and upset. His face was flushed ( with sadness), his eyes were pinkish and he looked like he was holding back tears, and his head was down. He said (more to himself, than to anyone else in the room at the time), "It's over. I failed. I couldn't get it to work ( meaning the school)." I said (to him), "It's okay. Don't blame yourself. You did your best. You drew it out ( the school) until its last breath. You didn't give up easily.There's nothing to feel bad about anymore."

There were only two staff left. One of them ( a young girl) said (to me), "Well, I'm glad that's over with ( meaning the ending of the school). I thought it would be more drawn out than this. Now I can concentrate on my studies ( she's studying for her University Degree) and not be working all of the time." The young boy staff said, " I wonder what happened ! Is it bad karma ? This is more than I can take. "

I really surprised myself. I thought I would be very upset and crying on the last day but I was actually very well composed and accepted the situation. I guess I've been upset enough already about this school-going-downhill situation so when it really happened, I was able to accept it. On the last day, only 4 students showed up for their very last class at this school (with me, the only teacher still there). It was a grammar lesson, about Subjunctives, though I don't remember much about the lesson because everything was in such a haze ( I knew it was the very last day for this school, the staff was putting everything into big boxes, people were running to and fro, moving desks, taking down the whiteboards, telling the moving people what to do, etc. The whole situation seemed unreal- like I was in a bit part in a reality show. The students showed no emotions whatsoever. No sadness, happiness, confusion-nothing. I guess they knew this day was going to arrive one day- and they were prepared for it.

A bunch of the manager's relatives came to lend a helping hand to the manager, on his last day at the school. I saw them having a quick dinner together and nobody said anything. Everybody ate quietly and had their heads down.

Thank goodness that I still have a job at the small school in the shopping center. Otherwise, I would be unemployed by now. It's kind of quiet there at the moment, though. I have two private students, one who studies on the weekdays and another one who studies only on Saturdays. I didn't see any other teachers there today. The economic crunch is really taking its effect- not good for businesses,schools or institutions right now.

The receptionist at the small school is very beautiful, young and sexy ( maybe that's why they hired her ?) but totally incompetent ( no, I'm not criticizing her. I'm just saying it like it is.) Whenever she types up anything for the owner (of the school), he always has to correct her many mistakes and she has to type and re-type 4-5 times before she gets it right, she can't speak, read or write in English so she can't talk to the native speaker teachers who work there and the owner always has to help her out with the English brochures and the English-speaking customers. She has short term memory and can't remember anything that happened or was said to her ten minutes ago. I'm surprised, considering her incompetence, that the owner still keeps her there and on a high salary at that ! He pays her at a monthly salary that is higher than what a Master's degree employee usually gets- and she has just a high school diploma (I'm not criticizing people who only have a high school diploma, believe me, I know and understand that a college education is not for everyone and that people have their reasons for not pursuing a college education- whether it be financial, family or personal reasons.) Her most commonly used expressions are, " I don't know. ", "I forgot.", "I don't remember." I think she was hired based on looks alone, for what she lacks ( in competence), she makes up for in looks. She dresses very sexy every day to work ( very short skirts and dresses, low cut blouses, form-fitting tops, belly-button revealing t-shirts, etc. ) . The owner likes looking at her and so do the customers. People who walk past the small school take a second glance because she's pretty. Some people come into the school just so they can take a closer look at her.

Although I absolutely love working at this school, sometimes I can't tolerate this receptionist ( although I try to ) because she's very forgetful, "Oh, I forgot what time your new class is. Maybe it's at 6 ? I don't know. I can't remember. ", "Oh, sorry. I forgot to call you to tell you your student isn't coming today. ", "Oops. I can't remember what your new student wants to study.", "Gee, I don't remember where that book is at. I don't remember where I put it at." All of the teachers at the small school solve this problem by trying to handle everything ( that we possibly can) by ourselves. We find the books by ourselves, look up the phone numbers of the students in the school's phone book and ask the students what they study, we look up the new student's schedules by ourselves or if there's a difficult problem that we can't solve, we just totally bypass her and go directly to the owner (of the school). I try to be patient and not be annoyed by her anymore. She's not going to change so I will have to change myself. I will solve any, and all problems, by myself. Sigh * that's life. Other than her, I totally, totally love this school. It is just sooooo perfect and nice.

This morning, something really good happened. I got a birthday card and a birthday present from one of my new friends in the mail. A friend of a friend, but they're now my friends, too. She (and her husband, a Pastor) got me the most beautiful birthday card with a lacy design on the edges and wrote some nice birthday wishes on it (for me) and-guess what they got me ? a friendship ring ! It is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Half gold-half silver band with a little gold heart in the middle surrounded by tiny diamonds. Sooooo beautiful ! Since the ring is so tiny, it won't fit on any of my other fingers except for my pinkie. I can only wear it on my pinkie finger. Wow, never seen a ring so cute before. They told me the ring is a sign of thir love, friendship and loyalty towards me- as a friend. So kind of them to give me a friendship ring ( I've only got to know them for a few weeks now and they're kindness overwhelms me sometimes).

You know something ? even though it is kind of sad that the school-going-downhill has finally closed, I feel a kind of relief ( I no longer have to worry about that school or its students- it is a thing of the past now). I do feel that the owner dragged it out longer than was absolutely necessary, though. He hung on to something that was dead ( the school) and he wouldn't accept that it was dead until it was really and truly dead. I can't blame him, though. I'm like that sometimes, too. I hang on to dead friendships, dead relationships, dead-end jobs, dead deals (meaning bad deals), dead promises ( I know that the person making the promise isn't sincere with me but I believe them anyway), etc. believing that one day, it will come back to life but that's usually not what happens.

I really have nothing to complain about, though. Life is good. Life has been good to me. I have my health, my energy, I'm still employed, my mother is still with me (even though she's elderly and ill but she's still alive), I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a monthly salary ( from the small school) and numerous other blessings in my life. I really don't know what to say except....... I"M BLESSED ! :yh_pray ...... I AM REALLY, REALLY BLESSED :yh_angel....... I LEAD A BLESSED LIFE :yh_peace ..... and I wouldn't change one thing in it ( the good and the bad) even if I could. Why ? Because I'm BLESSED !
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Now that the-school-which-closed-down is no longer a part of my (professional) life, I have more free time now. I'm not really sure what I want to do with my free time, though. I've been thinking about going to church but when I think about how some of the members are in my old church, maybe it's not such a good idea to go back to that church anymore . Maybe I should look into finding a new church for me -I really don't know yet. Ever since that school closed down, I've been laying low, not really doing much except resting and relaxing at home ( where else ?) , trying not to think about that school anymore. When I pass by that school, though, I do look at it. There's a "For rent" sign in the front. I wonder who's going to rent it ? Will it one day be a school again, with a new owner or will the new owner make it into an entirely different kind of business that's not related to education ? - that remains to be seen.

I haven't watched a movie for several months now-no movie seems to interest me enough for me to want to buy a ticket to watch it. The last time I watched a movie was "Twilight." I loved it ! What a great movie that was. I was interested in watching Wolverine but never got a chance to watch it while it was showing because at that time, I was soooo busy with teaching hours. Why is it when I'm very busy teaching, all the good movies are showing but when I have some free time, there aren't any movies worth watching ?

When I'm working, I can think of a million other things that I'd rather be doing but when I'm free, I can't think of one thing that I really, really want to do. Hard to believe that half a year has already gone by- so fast- and I feel like I've barely done anything really important or significant yet. I feel like I just let time pass by without really doing anything except living day by day, just going through my regular, daily routine.

They say the world will end in 2012. If it's true, that's kind of sad. The youth of today won't be able to live their life out to the fullest.

My insomnia is getting worse and worse. Last night, I was able to sleep when it was almost 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I woke up at 10:00 a.m.

Unfortunately, there are no mediums in this country. Otherwise I would go to one just so I could contact my friend, Larry and see if he has any messages for me. I guess what I'm worried about the most is paying money and getting a bogus medium or a fake psychic ( who isn't the real thing but is just out there to rip people off of their money).

It's raining right now. I like rain. It cools down the weather.

Yesterday night, I saw my brother's girlfriend walking on the sidewalk. She saw me, made a disgusted look on her face, kind of like, "Yeesch ! You ugly thing !", held her head up high and quickly walked past me. *Sigh* Why are some people just soooo mean and rude ? Does it make them feel better to be that way ? I smiled and said hello to her before she walked away (from me), but she chose to ignore me and not reply.

My next door neighbors told me that she's conceited around them, too- makes strange faces at them and ignores their attempts at friendly chit chat with her. They don't know what my brother sees in her. Well, don't they get it ? She's super nice to him (that's why he's crazy about her !) but she's not that way around most people ( who don't benefit her in one way or another). When she associates with people, she only lets them get close to her if she can take advantage of them or she is benefitted (in one way or another) from the relationship. She once told my mother ( not too long ago) that she didn't even want to look at me, much less associate with me, because in her eyes, I was useless to her, just totally useless.

My mother said to her, "What do you mean by useless ? In what way is she useless ?" She said, "Nok isn't rich, so she can't give me money. She isn't the owner of a big business, so she can't hire me at a high salary to work for her. She doesn't have "connections", so she can't make me famous. She's not pretty, so I don't want to go anywhere with her. I don't want anyone to see me with her. She's useless. "
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Last night, believe it or not, I was in a sleeplessness state-I was totally wide awake and alert the whole night- I couldn't sleep even if I had tried , so I walked back into the memory lane of the past.

I got out a lot of the letters, cards and e-mails that my friend Larry sent to me over the past five years that I'd known him. Some of them were so funny, some sad, some disheartening,some amusing but each and every one of them had bits and pieces of his life story, good and bad, in them. As I read each one, I cried, I laughed , I smiled and at the same time, I felt sad because Larry is now in spirit. Same time last year, he was still alive. Life is so short, isn't it ? The five years of friendship between me and him went by so quickly-too quickly.

There is so much I regret-the things that I didn't say to him but should have, the places where I wanted to take him for sightseeing but didn't, the letters and cards that I should've sent him but didn't, etc. I wish I could turn back the hands of time (to last year, in January) and do everything all over again- I would be so much nicer to him than I was- but I can't. I hope that Larry's spirit knows how sorry I am that I wasn't more considerate of his feelings and acted kinder to him than I did. Last year, I really, really didn't know that Larry's time ( on earth) was running out. I really, really didn't know that he had advanced kidney failure and that the doctors had told him that he didn't have much time left ( to live). I wish I had known. I wish he had told me. If I had known, I would've taken time off from work to take him sightseeing, I would've called him more often to ask how he was doing, I would've sent him more cards and letters, I would've taken him out for more meals, visited him in the hospital more often, sent him more e-mails, etc.

One of my friends (a spiritualist) told me that it would take me more than a year before I finished grieving Larry's death. I think, for me, it'll take much, much longer than that. He was My Dear, Sweet Friend, he was always there for me, he was the most loyal, kindest friend that I've ever had in my whole life- he really was my everything- and now I've lost him. I do feel totally lost and empty without him by my side- but what to do ?- I know that eventually I have to accept reality but, not yet, not now.

Just a few days ago, I joined an online psychic community just so I could go into their medium chat room-in hopes that one day, the spirit of my friend, Larry will be able to come through one of the mediums in there with a message for me. I don't know if that can happen or not, but I'm wishing- and hoping that it will.

It'll be my birthday next month. It will be the first birthday in five years that I didn't get to celebrate it with Larry. Every year, on my birthday, he always gave me a birthday present, a birthday card, birthday wishes sent to my e-mail account, he would call to wish me a happy birthday and invite me to have dinner with him. This year , on my birthday, it will be just another day for me. It won't be special anymore. How sad.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

One of my friends is a psychic, so a few days ago, I let her "read" me. She said that I'm earthy, I love nature and all animals wild and free ( I like to look at them on t.v. I don't want to be near a wild animal. They might attack me !) , I listen to all types of music, depending on my mood (true ), I like eclectical music (I guess you can say that.), I like peace , harmony and balance ( doesn't everyone ?) , I'm laid back (very true-too laid back, in fact), I don't like stress and tension ( who does ?) and I want peace of mind (yes) in all of my situations that I'm faced with.

Well, I have to admit that she got most of it right. The only thing that I can remember that she got wrong was that she mentioned I made all of my own products from nature. I told her,"Nope." I didn't tell her, though, that I use natural products. I don't make them but I use them (green tea soap, tomato facial gel, cucumber lotion, etc.) As for loving nature, I guess I do. I like to take pictures of leaves, flowers, waterfalls, etc. I like beaches, mountains and flower gardens. Is that what you call a nature lover ?

It was kind of my friend to do a reading for me. It wasn't like she had to or anything like that. She did it willingly and generously. She's a nice person and generous with her time.

Today, I taught my elderly Private student (writing lesson) for the last time today. She registered for 10 classes with me and today is the 10th class. Before she left, she gave me a farewell present- a Swiss key chain. That was nice of her to give me a little parting present. She's the same student who gave me a gift of two big Swiss chocolate bars about a few months ago. I like her. She's a good listener, kind, nice, friendly ,talkative and open. Some elderly people can be quite judgemental. She's not judgemental at all. She only studies with me once a week . Hard to believe that the lessons are finished. Time goes by super fast.

Last night, unable to sleep ( again), I watched a movie on t.v. named "Air Force One" with Harrison Ford as the main actor. I've watched it once before as a rental video a long time ago. This is the second time I've watched it. It's really good-so action-packed, lots of drama. It had me riveted to the screen from beginning till end. Harrison Ford is a really good actor. I really like his acting.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I had a good, restful day today. I woke up at around 10:00 a.m. (I went to sleep at around 4:30 a.m. in the morning. ) I had a breakfast of one boiled egg and a small portion of rice. I also ate some green vegetables stir-fried with an egg.

After that, I took a shower and got dressed to go the dollhouse school at the mall. I had a new student today, a very cute-as-a-button little girl with an infectious grin and sparkling brown eyes. She just turned 10 and her mother came with her today. It turns out that the child has an excellent memory but has no comprehension skills. She doesn't really understand what it is she's doing, so she just memorizes everything. Her mother told me that her daughter is now in the fifth grade.

One thing I like about children is their positive nature and their happiness at every little thing. It's so easy to make a child happy. They are easily amused. I wasn't actually trying to amuse this little girl. I was just being myself, but she was clearly amused, as throughout the pronunciation lesson that I gave her today, she smiled and laughed often. Well, I'm glad that I didn't bore her. That wouldn't have been good, especially not with young learners. They're not going to learn much if you bore them.

Last night, I went into a psychic chat room and a young guy was in the room and I chatted with him for a while. He told me that he's an empath, a medium and trees can talk to him. I asked him what the tree said to him. He said the tree said, "Leave me alone." I like going into chat rooms as I enjoy chatting with people. It's okay that I don't really know them.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 48 years old now but I don't feel like it. I feel more like a 35 or 36 year old. When I correspond or chat (on the internet) with people, they often tell me that I'm young at heart and that I don't sound or talk like an old woman. Someone on t.v. once said that it's not how old you are but how you feel inside that's important.

I didn't have a party. I didn't celebrate or anything like that. I just treated it like another day. When I was young, birthdays were a big deal for me. I had parties, my friends and relatives gave me presents and it was a really fun and special day. I think it was when I turned 28 or something like that ,that I stopped having parties and stopped celebrating. Birthdays no longer meant anything for me except that I became one year older.

I was really lucky, though. I got lots of messages yesterday and this morning wishing me a Happy Birthday. I got two (unexpected) presents from my mom and my friend's friend. I also got a birthday card in the mail. Anyway, that's enough for me as I really wasn't expecting anything from anyone.

Lately, my whole life seems to be nothing but wake up, go to work, get on the internet, go back home, sleep, wake up again and the whole cycle starts again the next day. I've given up ( entirely) on having any kind of a social life as every time I invite someone for a meal, coffee, watch a movie or go somewhere together, I usually get rejected ( I don't know why, really). Getting rejected so much has really lowered my self esteem and my self confidence so I stopped offering the invitations alltogether.

People don't invite me to join them unless they want something from me so I rarely say yes when I get invitations from people unless I truly feel sorry for them, then maybe I will go out with them once in a long, long time and then that's it. I know I might sound like a person who views the world and its people negatively but actually I'm not a negative person. It's just that all those rejections that I received in the past and all those people in my recent past and not so recent past that have used me, betrayed me, lied to me and turned away from me have really effected me in a bad way and left a dent in my soul that just cannot be healed. I don't want (bad) history to repeat itself. Enough is enough !

I realize that isolating myself ( from the world) like this will prevent me from having any meaningful relationships with some good people ( who I believe, are still out there, somewhere) but it is a chance that I'm willing to take. I don't know how to distinguish between the weeds and the flowers and I usually (almost) always unknowingly select the weeds and have to pay for it dearly by my life going down the drain and I don't want that to happen again ( if I can help it.)

As for boyfriends or getting married in the future, no way, Jose ! Since my ex fiance passed away last year, I have no interest whatsoever in ever dating or getting serious with anyone ever again. His death has really taken its toll on me, and it looks as if I will be in the bereavement stage for the rest of my life.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

I've spent most of this month (July) joining and participating in two paranormal forums because I love reading stuff about the paranormal (ghosts, evp's, haunted houses, paranormal pics, etc.) . I really got carried away, really got addicted to these two forums because I found both of them so fascinating. Time went by fast. I spent hours and hours reading the posts, chatting with other members in the chat room and looking at a bunch of paranormal pics (orbs, haunted rooms, cemetaries, etc.) Now, halfway into this month already, I've just realized I spent way too much time in the two paranormal forums. I mean, I practically ignored the e-mails coming into my hotmail e-mail address and my gmail e-mail address . I almost didn't go into the few websites and other forums that I belong to- I almost forgot about them !!! :-2

Something good happened to me a few days ago. Ever since Larry's passing, I've been trying really hard to find some good mediums to connect me to him. Well, it's finally happened !!! :D I found two good mediums who successfully got through to him. They told me that Larry said it's okay I didn't properly say goodbye to him. He understands because his death was unexpected. Everything happened so fast. He said that he's visited me allready but I'm not aware of his presence. He says he's always with me and he's around me.

The other medium said that Larry will indeed come to visit me in my dreams and that he identified himself to her by saying that he's my friend and my fiance. He also said that his name begins with an L. She said she's got another spirit with her. He's a funny guy, and says he's my dad. He misses me a lot and comes to visit me often, comes into my dreams and raps on my door at night. He also whispers in my ear. She said that I have gifts I have just come to terms with.

I'm really happy that I found some excellent mediums who can connect to Larry for me. I've been searching for a medium for over 8 months now (since Larry's passing) and I can say I'm satisfied now that I got messages from him from 2 competent mediums.

I'm still wearing the engagement ring that Larry gave me a few months before he passed away and I'll always wear it. It's a memorial of a love that once was.

Hard to believe he's not with me anymore :-1 but that's life, I guess.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
nok
Posts: 537
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:38 am

Totally Transparent Nok

Post by nok »

Last night, I bought a Michael Jackson CD, full of all of his hits. Although I do admit that I wasn't a huge fan of Michael Jackson when he was still alive, I always knew that he was an awesome musical artist and a fantastic singer with a beautiful singing voice ( slow songs are sung so beautifully by him !!! ).

There is on song of MJ's that totally reminds me of my best friend Larry : You are not alone. When Larry was still alive, he always reminded me that no matter what happened to me, I was never alone. He would always be by my side. He'd never leave me. He said that at times when I was alone, I wasn't really alone because he was with me in spirit.

There's a line to this song that says, "Why did you have to go and leave my world so cold ? " and then another line in there that says something about hearing a whisper that says "You are not alone. I am here with you. Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart." something like that.

That song, "You are not alone" seems especially written for me about my present situation concerning my best friend and ex fiance, Larry, who crossed over last year. There are also other songs that MJ sang that reminds me of Larry but this song really makes me miss him even more, every line in that song is eerily perfect in its description of the relationship that I had with him.

I think it is really sad that MJ left this earth at such a young age. 50 is too young to die ! The world has lost an incredible and very talented singer. MJ, you will be missed !!!!!!!!
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)

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