The Pursuit of Happiness

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flopstock
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The Pursuit of Happiness

Post by flopstock »

One Step Forward...

I met someone recently who managed to make me feel great about myself again. I actually commented to them that I experienced real laughter for the first time in quite a while as opposed to that survival laughter I use to get through most of my life..:wah:

Imagine my surprise that this 'someone' was female rather then male...:rolleyes: Imagine my surprise that she managed to make me feel good about myself... after-all, I'd met her in an attempt to make her feel better about herself... gain confidence in herself.. believe in herself and those around her that are everything to her.. in other words - I wanted to fix things for her because that is what I do..

I don't do female friends... okay, I have one at work that hears all the details of my latest virtual lust for the greatest guy in the world I'll never have...:p:o.. but this lady who shared a little of her fears and insecurities actually cared that I..ME.. diane... has fears and insecurities and wants and needs. And she never abused that knowledge during our short acquaintance. We ended up spending our time encouraging each other to trust in ourselves and the folks we choose to love in our lives.

We both walked away from this brief moment in our lives, just amazed beyond belief that we found common ground and compassion for each other and a real sense of friendship where friendship shouldn't have happened..

She is the strongest lady I've ever known.. even at her weakest moment. And she's left me with the strength to risk a step to-wards other unexpected possibilities in my life and world.

I wish her love and joy and of course a sex life that embarrasses all the kids and grandkids beyond belief!!!:sneaky::D
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Hurting

I been told I don't want to be hurt. I've been told I avoid situations where I can get hurt.

I think part of my problem is that I hurt so bad for other folks sometimes, that I just know it would destroy me -were it my own pain.. I cry more for other folks then I do for myself. I focus on making things better for them. Because that means I can ignore myself.

I had a friend complain to me just last week that everything is apparently great in my world because I refuse to complain and instead turn every conversation back to his headaches and heartaches.. he was really frustrated with me, I could hear it in his voice..

I tried to explain to him that I don't complain because -if there was a solution, I would already have acted on whatever was causing me pain or anger.. since there isn't, I'd prefer to focus my energy on helping him.:p

After I had finished talking to him , however... I thought about what he had said. I thought that what he had really been trying to say to me was that he just wanted to be there for me too. He wanted me to be comfortable enough to let it rip... well, sorry, that's not me. :o Folks really don't want to hear it ya know?:thinking:

Loneliness, heartache and pain are not things folks really want to hear about from someone who spends their time trying to make them smile or laugh. They think they do... but what they really want is that 'feel good' because they offered their shoulder in return for a change.

I have never put myself out there without ending up being rejected or found lacking... so I don't. Instead I feel other folks pain. So much simpler, don't you agree?

As I lay out on my deck yesterday listening to music and crying... because it's allowed to cry to the right music, ya know:rolleyes:... I thought I'd have a go at writing down what was bugging me about myself these days..

But another friend beat me to it and when i came in to sit down and spew this crap... instead I found a message from her, chewing me out in the nicest way possible...

That I need to take a risk, put myself out there and simply trust that I am strong enough to survive my own pain...

It's strange to realize that you are never quite as mysterious as you'd like to think you are.... real friends 'get' you..:-4
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Anger

Anger, I don't do so well.. it really disappoints me when I do feel it... don't know why... perhaps because it means that I've let someone or something get the best of my emotions for that moment..:thinking:

I have a friend that I think is being played by someone that they trust... I'm torn between warning the ******* off or just letting go with my vengeance if he succeeds in his manipulations. The sportsman in me feels that it's only fair to warn him that I know what he is up to... that I will make it my life's mission to destroy his happiness if he is so careless with others.. the feminine part of me just figures I'll let it be a surprise..:sneaky::D

I seldom feel anger... that's one of the perks of not really feeling much of anything. I can put up with folks crap all day long... but don't mess with someone I love or care about..

I do like this venting area though... say whatever I want... it's my way or the highway...:D:wah:
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Romance

Women like to think we have it all over guys in the romance department... fact of the matter is they are light years ahead of us.

I have a friend, every time I answer the phone.. he asks 'What are you doing?' Not romantic enough for you? Tough... who else cares what I am doing at least once a day?:p

I complained once that I missed getting my back scratched now that I was alone... few days later a tube arrives at work addressed to me... inside.. 2 back scratchers.. one for home and one for work..:wah:

I have another friend who took his wife to a cubs game for her birthday... you'd have to appreciate how much he loves his cubs to appreciate how romantic it really was that he tied them and the wife into a package.. the ultimate gift of something he loves for someone he loves.. Ridiculously romantic, IMO.

Romance is not to be found in flowers and dinners and candies and flattery. It's found in those day to day things they do that remind us that they thought of us unexpectedly too..:-4

We women just need to keep our eyes open so that we don't miss it when it is headed our way..:thinking:
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Joy

The alarm goes off, I roll over... see my phone... remember his call simply telling me goodnight...

and I feel joy...

what a way to start the new day, ya know?

Joy isn't about immediate gratification... it's about taking the time to know and love your friends.. and oh, falling asleep imaging you are resting your head on his shoulder...:yh_hugs

Joy...
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Old -My Ass!:D

That about sums it up for me today.

I spent a couple of hours this morning climbing up and down ladders and reaching into ceilings then moving the ladder 10 feet and repeating the process. I considered, when I hit the brick wall between the two old buildings and had to cram my fat ass up into the crawl space and pull myself along the rafters, that perhaps the time had come for a career change... drive through check out girl at arbys was feeling real attractive...:rolleyes:

But to be honest, until after the fact and reflecting on the number of folks that had offered to take over the job for me... it didn't occur to me that they may have been worried about the old IT lady dropping dead up there where no one could reach her...:wah:

There is more stuff I don't know, then stuff I know.... But for sure I know that once I start thinking I can't do something I've done before - I'm old.

I plan to die young.... no matter how old I may be..;)

But perhaps we should revisit this when I try to get out of bed in the morning...:wah:
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The Journey

All of my fellow Cub fans are soooooo excited about the team this year... it really has been joyful from day one... and yet..Everyone seems to think that- if god forbid - they don't make it this time.... it will be so much more upsetting and sad then it has been in the past.

Personally, I won't have any problem just celebrating the joy and excitement that they brought me pretty much every day this year... what else in your world has done that for you in the last 5 months, eh? It's brought friends closer, made you new friends of fellow fans and even those you could develop a friendly rivalry with... everyone is talking to everyone these days..we all have found common ground..:rolleyes::D

I absolutely expect them to go all the way this year. I sit and cheer through the end of every game rather then switch the channel if they are down in the late innings.. if they lose I start planning my schedule for the next game when we can 'get it back':wah:

But if by some outrageous misfortune, they don't make it all the way... the journey this year has just felt so special.. and there is always next year:D:-4
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Unexpected Treasures

I have a friend whose elderly mother has been writing stories for over a decade now... since he set her up with a computer when she was well over the youthful 50+ of some of us;)..

I know this because she's been having problems with her email(her link to her homeland of Turkey). In the course of our conversation on this issue, he happened to mention her story writing and that he thinks it would be great to have some published and given to her so that she sees the fruits of her labor and can enjoy her children's pride in her work - while she is still around to experience their pride in her.

To cut this long story shorter:o - I begged a few samples and OMG! I love it!:-4

Her grammar and English are the grammar and English of an immigrant, fine. When I found myself rereading something to make sense of it, I had these thoughts... I can' t even manage an 'I'm honored' in Turkish if I ever meet the woman and more importantly... SHE WROTE IT IN ENGLISH -her adopted language!

I randomly pick a few stories every night before i go to bed... she appears to have three subjects of her writings(no I'm not telling you what they are..not my place)... but you can bet I've begun the process of finding someone reputable to edit her work for her -so that kids, family and friends can appreciate her work. I can reread the same story I read a few days earlier and still feel like she's talking to me and telling it to me directly...:thinking:

I love it when kids love their moms... even moms they butt heads with:p Moms expect their kids to love them... it's supposed to come with the territory, ya know? But the joy a mother must experience to know that no only do her kids love her - they are proud of her and her accomplishments...

Wow... treasures all around..:-6
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He Knows Me, go figure...:wah:

I have a friend I talk to on the phone all the time... met him one time in real life... other then that.. it's an ear to ear friendship..

I got in a snit with him yesterday because he dared to call me a drama queen...:o:D I'm not a drama queen... i am the least drama queenish person I know .... so of course I said 'fine' and hung up on him....:rolleyes:

He called me back later after he figured I'd had time to 'calm down' and when I still sounded snippish... he acted confused that I was pissed... then he acted alarmed that I was pissed... then I told him he was full of ****, he knew damned well why I was pissed.... then we moved on to other subjects and talked for a couple of hours...

He 'gets' me better then anyone I've known in real life, I think. He seems to think our non-physical friendship has created a bond we would never have accomplished had physical intimacy infringed on its growth... I prefer to call it the 'ass chase' factor. If I were close enough to chase his sorry ass around the yard to win a point... we wouldn't talk as much. I'd win all discussions at the same time that he won...:sneaky:

But I would not know him nearly as well as I do now.. and I've come to realize what a loss that could have been....:-4
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Annoying things about me...

I don't believe in sorting laundry... it goes into the basket from the floor where i pulled it off two days ago and dropped it...from the basket i pour it like a box of rice into the washer until it gets up to the fill line...soap is measured as if i am baking... hold the cap over the open washer and pour to overflow and dump.. always cold/cold... once in a blue moon fabric softener... bleach- not since i was a teenager and ruined the jeans i was trying to fade..:D

I don't do shopping lists... swear to god i have spent $200 at the grocery store and not known what we could throw together to eat the next day... I've now got all those new cleaning doodads that i can never find when i get up the energy to clean someday in the distant future, but milk or bread or butter.. nope - not unless there is a blizzard forcast..:rolleyes:

I don't clean for no apparent reason.... planning a 'do'... okay fine...otherwise i just can't be bothered. Dishes are washed, clothes are washed, i keep the vacuum plugged in in the living room for whenever the mood may overtake me.. and i have garbage bags around the house so that we don't have to walk all the way into the kitchen to throw something out. My basic philosophy is that if there is a path, there is no need...:D

I have a closet in my bedroom overflowing with clothes i don't wear... everything i wear is laying on the left-hand side of my bed which has been unoccupied for way way too long... i keep hoping to have the opportunity to just sweep them all to the floor in a burst of unbridled passion.... although I'm thinking perhaps I've been reading too many romances lately..:o

I don't know how to dress... my daughter had to check my shirt this morning to be sure i wasn't driving her to church in one of my work tshirts... every color(except white), collared and not...plus she wouldn't let me wear my tennis shoes...she really was wishing I'd done something to my hair besides getting my fingers wet and running them through to cover the 'bed head'...:wah:

Cooking... I love it... I hate it... I don't do recipes... I can make something so wonderful that the kids would talk about it for years but for the fact that the next time i made it, it was so god awful that it became what they talked about for years...:D But i love to do it and a friend and i have talked often about trying out dishes and just having fun with it..
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Pieces

When I knew that I could never really be happy in my relationships again, I got out rather then live the lie for 'convenience'.. man would life have been easier...:D And although sometimes it can take awhile to resurface, the caring never really goes away...

I've been in relationships that have taught me quite a bit about myself and others. I think that there is personal information and then there is Personal Information... the second of these is shared with the understanding that it will go to the grave along with the person it is shared with, ya know? They are giving you a piece of themselves that they would normally guard from the world.:thinking: There is comfort in having someone you know you can say anything to... it is the ultimate honor to be trusted with this information, IMO. I like to think I would die before sharing information that I consider private, for any reason...:lips:

I know that I have shared myself with a few people... very few to be honest..but I've opened myself up and exposed myself warts and all for one reason or another... then they are gone. Not my fault, not their fault...just gone. And with them goes another piece of me.

I hope that when I finally settle on that 'one who completes me' sorry but I love that expression:wah: , that they can appreciate all the parts of me that are actually made up from the left behind pieces of all the folks I loved and cared about throughout my life...
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Post by flopstock »

Him

My phone rang at 1:30 in the morning and I jumped up to grab it...

He always asks if he woke me up... I always tell him 'no, I had to get up for the phone anyways...:D'

He's traveling in a different time zone and although we had talked earlier, it apparently occurred to him that he had forgotten to wish me 'sweet dreams'... believe it or not I'd had the same thought at the end of that earlier conversation ...:-4

He wants me to find a really cool guy that is worthy of my love and attention. I think I have. Because there are different kinds of love and caring throughout our lifetime... he and I share the best of loves. It's that love that says 'hey, you are more important then I am'.

I'm quite used to loving people in that manner in my life.... I've just never felt it turned back on me as nicely as he does, everyday that I know him.:-4:-6
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Money

I'm always very careful of everyone else's pride, especially when it comes to money. My attitude has always been that if you need it and I have it...duh!

Kinda tight times here in the last year or so, but I still made sure that if someone else's need was greater then mine or even just more immediate.. they never caught a clue that I might be making choices in my own world to accommodate theirs.

As I am coming up on straightening my own self out financially, it occurs to me that I have never asked anyone for help... no matter how bad it got. And yet I have a friend who managed to need my help with her computer and insist on paying me for it, every time the vultures appeared to be closing in..:rolleyes: One time she found me sitting in my office with the door closed and I suppose I must have had desperation written in my eyes, because next thing I knew she was back with a few hundred in a bank envelope and an admonition that she'd better not ever find out I paid it back unless and until my world had righted itself.. she's from the south so you can just about imagine the thickness of that one word...:wah:.. I started paying her back a couple of weeks ago..:-6



I'm looking for love these days... but I don't plan to really let myself go for it until I am all straight.. the man I plan to chase will have no doubt in his mind..EVER.. what I want him for.:sneaky:
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I'm going somewhere tomorrow and hope I don't run into people I know.... get your head out of the gutter...:p - it's a perfectly respectable place and a perfectly respectable trip, but I hope everyone i know is so busy with each other that I don't intrude into their thoughts, much less their day..:-6

I plan to sneak into town at the crack of dawn or mid morning depending on when I wake up..:D I'll do my chores, do some shopping and hopefully be on my way well before the cubs 7th inning stretch..:wah:

Why am I bothering to write about something I hope doesn't happen?

I promised a friend I don't talk with much anymore that I would let her know if I was ever in the area... I keep my promises... hopefully you'll see this after I am gone again...

sweet dreams ...and if there is wild monkey daytime sex tomorrow, I want credit and details please!!!:sneaky:
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Someone else's skin..

I dropped by a friends small business yesterday... they were having a network issue.. the owners were out of town and would I mind swinging by... not for a moment, would I mind.:-4

When I got there I was greeted in the drive by one of the workers I've been wanting to meet for a while now... I've heard some great stories about him and know that this is a man my friends trust when they are away. Before we had gotten to the doorway of the offices with trouble, however... we were joined by a young man who came galloping up to us... I've heard stories about him too... not so good.. not someone I thought I would want to meet... I was wrong, go figure...:rolleyes:

I asked his name and he confirmed my worst fears... the demon child:p. But, me being me -I looked him in the eyes and asked what he had broken... then I started laughing as he hurried to assure me HE hadn't done anything, someone else had... I told him he'd better come in with us so that he could show me what was what and where was where- as I was sure he knew a lot more then I did..

I treated him as if I had no preconceived notions about him. I treated him as if he were one of my kids... I assumed he was smart... I assumed he could and would be willing to help me... I made sure he knew that I had NO DOUBT, he could be helpful to me... and then I started by asking him questions I already had the answers to..

It was awesome that he hit on something that solved the problem... might not have been the technical 'knowhow' but he was logical and confident in throwing out suggestions... he knew I was listening to his thoughts and suggestions.

When we went to test the connection to another building, I asked him how old he was.. as if I did not know... he told me and then volunteered that folks the day before wouldn't let him even look at it.. I assured him that it most likely wasn't him and that I face the same problem all the time... young kids and females can't really know anything much about anything...;):D

I got his stepfather on the phone while he was there and made a point to tell him that he owed the kid a steak of his choice, I couldn't have done it without him.

Fact of the matter is, I have no doubt I would have done it just fine without him...but every-time I think back on my son and how his life turned out because someone refused to look at him as he was, but rather looked at him as he could be... I'm forced to drop my prejudice and look for the future in others..:thinking:
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On being Loved..

Someone loves me. I know it in the deepest parts of me. I feel it at every moment in the day and quite often, in the middle of the night. I am alone, yet I'm not. And it's so strange... this feeling...

I've had people profess to love me before... this is different. This is good for me. It asks nothing, expects nothing.. it just surrounds me. This love doesn't need for me to love it back, it justs wants to love me... now, how could I NOT love that back?:-4

I've never known a man who had more interest in knowing the essence of Diane's soul then in knowing the physical Diane.. me? I have a burning need to touch him... explore him..pleasure him..and to meld my body with his as surely as we've melded our minds and hearts..

If I never get to physically have him, it's okay... anything more with him then what we have at this moment -will be gravy..:-4

Now don't get me wrong here... we all know me and my views on physical pleasure...heheheh:rolleyes: But as much as I love the notion of having him fill me and lose controll... I fantasize most about hugging him, sitting in his lap with my head on his shoulder... listening to his latest woes or ideas...or being able to fall asleep with his arm across my belly and cupping me back into his side..

Boy, how frickin' warped is that?:D:wah:
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Lonely

I've decided that 99 is the loneliest number, not 1. I saw 99 four times over the past weekend... each time, I pondered it..but I swear to god that on that fourth viewing, I could no longer control my tears .. and I allowed myself to feel the deepest sense of loneliness, the greatest sense of loss that I had not previously allowed myself. I grieved the passing of something that I hadn't really allowed myself to admit I cared that I had lost...

couldn't, wouldn't want to look back to it... but i can now respect what it was for me in my life and not just what it may have been in someone else's..

Our emotions make us pathetic creatures sometimes... then they'll turn right around and make us unbearably strong...:thinking:
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Pleasant Surprises

I got to talk to someone today that I haven't talked to for ages.. the cool thing was it was unexpected and it really ended up making my day. We got to talk about folks we had in common... ain't it cool when you can approve someones choices even though they never asked for your approval...:rolleyes::D

I really like the person he's chosen to be the love of his life.. and I really love the guy that she chose.. I'm betting that before we are all old and gray(okay, in my case- older and grayer..:p)she will have turned out to be one of my best friends.

But I was actually feeling kinda down about my world when someone at the other end of a business call couldn't answer my question and handed the phone off to someone else... there he was, unexpectedly -just poof. We have the ability to cut through the bullshit with each other, even after all this time has passed. He's probably the only guy that I actually enjoy hearing love in his voice while he's talking about another woman.. he's probably about the only person on earth that i could lament my own lousy personal choices and just hearing him laughing his goofy laugh at me:yh_loser.. damned if it didn't perk me up...:wah:

It made my day better, knowing that he is doing better in his world... And ...I wish him love and joy and of course a sex life that embarrasses all the kids and grandkids beyond belief!!! :sneaky:
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Heheheh... I'm a Bad Bad Girl...:sneaky:

So, I got these vacation pictures that a friend wanted me to see of a trip into the mountains earlier this week... They just transfered all the pics into a folder so I could see how awesome it is...

Well, well, well..... in addition to the mountain pics there were some pics of him that she apparently snapped while he was in the pool... i was assured that he was unexposed and... boy was that the wrong call..:yh_drool:yh_rotfl

I'm sure that when looking in the viewfinder of a camera there was not much to notice... howsomever... when you open that 1.5meg file in photoshop ... that not so little critter is even less little..

We're talkin' I could reach out and touch him...heheheheh..we're talking below the crystal clear water line and i have never seen anything prettier..:D

I think you can guess how I handled things... I always try and be as sensitive of others feelings as i possibly can...

so of course I blew it up and cropped out the boring background and slapped a text box next to his gizmo that simply says... 'hey baby'....:p

God I'm lovin' today!:yh_rotfl
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Things to Do Before Meeting My New Friend for the First Time In Person...

1. Lose 20 lbs... It's not like the 'meeting a guy' thing(lose 30 lbs:rolleyes:), but seriously now folks.. she's younger, she's got beautiful hair, great smile(do i remember how to do that).. and no it's not THAT kind of lunch but I'd still prefer it if the waitress doesn't ask her where she thinks her mother would like to sit...:o

2. Wash my Aramis Ramirez #16 cub tshirt that I've been sleeping in this season..

Yes, I admit it... I'm dressing up to make a good first impression and not embarrass the lady in public like I usually do my kids...:D Wearing my cub hat was an option but since I always remove hats indoors.. don't want to have helmet hair, now do i?

3. Create a list of things it's okay to talk about and a list things we should avoid discussing at this first meeting...

Knowing us, we'll probably toss the 'okay' list and sit there laughing over each item on the 'avoid' list until neighboring tables are looking to see what's wrong with us...

4. Practice Listening... as unlikely as it seems, it can't and shouldn't always be about me.. I'm no longer supposed to be the most interesting person I know.. and sometimes other folks really really need to say something without me telling them what I think they really mean... they just need to say it.. so I will need to be able to just listen...:yh_glasse

5. Take the Camera... Get some cool or embarrassing pictures of Shelbell that I can come back and share on here... Not really... i figure that if we make an agreement that ONLY flattering photos are allowed to be posted - I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me anyways...:wah:

6. Convince myself to not be so nervous.. I never like meeting people.. never know what to say..I can feel the sweat starting to form along my spine already...geez what was i thinking of.. I can't go through with this crazy idea!!









just kidding...

New 6. Relax. She's a nice lady...even if we don't become the best of real life friends like we think we can.. we'll both have moved outside our comfort zones and at least have made the attempt..:-6
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Nothing makes you feel older and uglier then driving away from spending an afternoon with youth and beauty..:rolleyes:

You'd think I would be taking the opportunity to list the cool things about shelbell..

She has one of the coolest most genuine smiles i've ever seen... it really does flow from her eyes...how do people do that? I squint..:wah:

She is so proud of her baby girl... she should be.. beautiful, brainy and apparently possessing the level head that would be the envy of most of the adults around her..

We went shopping... at a bookstore.. i loaded up on mysteries, A+certification and vista books.. ah heaven! her... a book for her daughter and cards for her hubby... what is up with her anyways??:p

We ate steak... hey we were entitled..

We talked about life and love and the struggles to survive and thrive.. and we talked about the truly remarkable men that we chose to love throughout our lives.. fathers, lovers, husbands... and we pretty much reached the conclusion that they are more then worth the aggravation they cause... at least the ones we've chosen..;)

I should be talking about how wonderful it was... instead I feel kinda sad..

I looked forward to today all week...

what am I supposed to do tomorrow??:-2:D
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He misses me...which is good 'cause I miss him too:p:-4

He's across the country at the moment, but in fact he's no further away then when he's not across the country.. he's still right there in my ear and in my heart, every day.. and yet I miss him unbearably sometimes..

How exactly do two somewhat rational adults turn into a couple of mushy school-kids when we talk on the phone..? When I get bossy or start a sentence with 'honey' , he says 'yes dear' in a way that has me giggling every time... after that, my point is lost for loving him... i think he knows he has me wrapped around his voice:thinking::wah:

I got a tour of his place yesterday.. got to see how he makes things work.. how he turns ideas into action... wow, the guy is scary smart..which for me translates to sexy smart... he's damned lucky he wasn't around after my tour or it could have gotten embarrassing quick..:sneaky:

I suppose I'll have to start looking around myself for a love that I can reach out and touch and interact with on a daily basis.. but it's so damned hard when I can feel him inside my heart, taste him in my mind and he just feels so much like the other half of me..:-4
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Men are Funny Creatures

I have a friend that has had the most god awful year and then some... marriage falling apart, he lost his job, had back surgery that didn't help his back problem that we can notice, has to get help from friends to keep the insurance paid and other creditors off his doorstep on a month to month basis..medication issues he has to fight continually...

Now, here's the funny part... it's starting to get to him.. He's starting to feel like a failure..maybe everyone would be better off ..:rolleyes:

What an absolute idiot! He's survived better then anyone else I know could have... for more then a year now! His marriage is stronger on a daily basis then it was when everything started falling apart.. that tells me he stayed checked in when most guys would have been running for the hills! The idea that she loves him today and it is a strong and nurturing love... major points for both of them!:-4

I refuse to believe that this man feels like a failure... there's just too much to him.. I think he's just tired for a moment..:thinking:

I think that when he is wide awake again, he'll notice that he has a friend that is just waiting for him to step up and help expand a business.. he's needed

I think once he's rested... that wife is in for some serious monkey sex..he's needed ... okay, just snuggling is great late at night too sometimes..:sneaky:

I think that once he's cleared his head, he'll see how happy his kids are that he's around and checked in with them.. he's needed.

I think that the grand babies I caught a shot of him snuggling.. know him for what he is.........He's the superhero in this family and to all the friends that stand in support of him and his family...:-4

Failure? Please! Don't make me laugh!:D
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I'm going to bed...

Tired of taking care of folks...

Gonna get some sleep..maybe read a book..forget they exist... perhaps forget I exist...

Wow...:-5
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if i never got to talk to you again what do you suppose I would need to leave you with?

Do you know how much I really needed you to come into my life at the time you did? Do you even know the loneliness you chased away every night? What began as an attempt to make you feel comfortable and welcomed into my nights quickly became my need to hear your voice and feel your warmth. You have made each and every day i've known you, wonderful... If i live to be 100, this year will have been the year i learned to smile in my heart. You gave me that. and I will love you forever, just for that.

Do you know how awesome i REALLY think you are? Somehow, I think you don't believe me... but it's true . YOU are the smartest person I know. YOU with a buzz on scared me with your intelligence.. sober - I bet you'd intimidate the hell out of me..lol. But you'll never understand how much joy I got just listening to you think out loud in my ear at night. Sharing your wild and not so wild ideas and theories about stuff........lol

Do you know how badly I wanted to love you? Not have sex with you, love you. There is a difference .. I've wanted to love you for the longest time. I've wanted to kiss you for the longest time. I wanted to hold you forever... simply hold you, .. that shouldn't have been too much, eh? I've wanted to be able to just reach out and put my hand on the back of your neck again... can you remember me petting you .. i close my eyes and I can see you sitting there - embarrassed by my touch, while i was stealing every precious second of contact with you that I could... and i've missed it every moment since.

Do you know how sexy you are? Of course you don't... that's one of the sexiest things about you, you are totally clueless. You really think that ladies make it a point of bending over and giving you ass shots and boobie shots, because all girls just act that way... LOL watch those same ladies around guys who are NOT you.. not so much bending babe...lol. I've been on your property twice..I've walked the path I mapped out to chase your ass around your yard...did you know that? lol i really did.

Do you know how much I want you to be happy? Promise me you will fight for it sweetie. Don't settle, fight to get the best life and the best love that's out there. I promise it's out there and OMG you deserve it. You really do.

Do you know how much I love you? Can you feel it all the time? Don't ever forget it ...

Or me...

That's what I would leave you with....

love

me
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Faith

I have a friend, she has this unbelievable faith. She shouldn't have had it. God knows that life crapped on her and hers repeatedly over the last couple of years. I think a lesser woman would have buckled.

She's not religious, never has been so far as I am aware. Her belief is in the man she loves. It is unwavering. It is steadfast. It is the essence of her being. All you can do is believe with her, because there is no other option.

She is quite possibly the only person I know who is more socially inept then I am.:p Her saving grace is her man. He makes her gentle. He makes her loving. He believes in her, so she believes...

And what she believes in, is him.:-4

I think perhaps that the hardest times in their life may be coming up on them in the very near future.. when the fight is finally won and life now is supposed to pick up and just be wonderful again...

Of course it won't happen like that.. there will be issues to be dealt with... hard realities and regaining control of your life are adjustments themselves.

But I have faith in her.. and him. So long as they can hold on to that belief in each other, I'm sure they will come out on top of this final hurdle...:-6
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The new guy in my life...

He makes me feel shy, where I am usually confident in myself...

He worries me, this guy... he may not like me as much as I had hoped he would..

He may really see me and not like what it is he sees.

He may really see himself and know that he deserves much better then he has settled for so far...

I can take all this, if it means that this new guy is happier, healthier, stronger.. I really can..

I love him enough to be his friend.:-4
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One of Those Moments

So, I'm out in my backyard this afternoon, laying on a blanket in my two piece and reading a book I'd bought... listening to my IPOD... sunday afternoon, all's right with the world....no one to annoy me..

Yeah right!

My yard is NOT fenced. I'd gone out earlier and cut the grass, raked, bagged, dedogpooped... done all the things that should have earned me a peaceful hour or so in my own backyard for gods sake!

Have I mentioned I'm a tad large? That may be a bit of an understatement... I wear a string two piece to prove to folks i really have one on- least the fact that clothing likes to hide in unmapped folds confuses folks that i may be running around naked...:yh_sick

So, there is NO ONE around and I'm laying there enjoying myself... singing along... doing that hip dance ontop of the blanket thing... my phone rings... it's shelbell... we start talking and go on and on when out of nowhere....

this little hand reaches over my shoulder and sets a piece of cake down in front of me and tells me her gramma made it and wanted me to have a slice...

I turn my head to yell a 'thank you' to gramma... the yard next to me has to have 25 people in it... That's right... 20 ft from my fat ass is an outdoor barbeque with everyone in their sunday best....:-5

I can only hope that Shelbell at least wet herself laughing so hard on the other end of that phone...:wah:
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Sick and Tired

It's the strangest thing... I've had a bad head cold all week, barely been able to talk and I find I've been just as unable to write..:wah:

I get up, go to work, head home... no talking because there is not much voice to be talking with, really... I have friends call and some of them have talked for over half an hour with barely any response from me.. I don't think they even noticed..:D

My daughter and I haven't been hugging all week either... yuk! I know I've been fevered, so i told her we'd just wave at each other for a few days. I had no idea how often she and I hug!:-2 really missing it. and it's not like it helped, i got called to come get her from school today.. yep, low grade fever.. the cycle begins...:-5

I wish this would go away... I have places to go and things to do! Plus I just hate being around sick people...all they do is whine:rolleyes::D
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Bittersweet

..........

adj.

1. Bitter and sweet at the same time: bittersweet chocolate.

2. Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure: a movie with a bittersweet ending.

.............

www.thefreedictionary.com

____________

I have this friend, I think he's bottomed out and is starting on the road to the great and wonderful life that I've been dreaming for him. What makes me think he is doing so much better??? I haven't heard from him, that's what..:p

When things are going good in his world, I don't hear from him. It's probably best, to be completely honest... I like that he is focused on his family and the love of his life. It's the strangest thing, but the notion of them snuggled in bed together, watching sports or just touching each other.. that gives me the most awesome wholesome:sneaky: pleasure -I can't begin to describe it. The notion that they have each other and are loving each other.. wow:-4

But then there is that selfish part of me... the part that liked that I was able to be his ear in the dark, that I made sure I was there for him, that he knew I would stop whatever I was doing- day or night.... just to listen to whatever he needed to say at that moment...he doesn't need that now...:(

I disappoint myself sometimes... like now. I find myself hoping I don't hear from him for a long long time.. yet I miss him. I suppose I'll just have to hope I get to miss him for about 25 more years...maybe sometimes it's good to NOT be needed...:-1:-6
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I know this woman... she's antisocial in the most pathetic sense of the word... being around strangers really gives her the willies..:(

She had to take her daughter to a 'getting to know each other' picnic yesterday for some 'kid' thing that the daughter had joined... the daughter insisted that they get there early, she was so excited! The mom wanted to show up late enough that she could count this as having attended, yet not so late as to miss the parent meeting being held for a few minutes at its conclusion...:sneaky:

Naturally the daughter won... they got there and within minutes the daughter was socializing, being outgoing and friendly... chatting with adults around her as if it took no effort at all. Little friends showed up and off she went to party:-6

Mom went back to her car and sat there, alone -until a couple of minutes before the meeting was to begin..:o

It's really sad, when I think about not feeling I have anything to offer to others around me....

The important thing is to keep those feelings hidden from her -so that she has the opportunity to grow up as the fun like-able person she is today. I just need to 'fake it' until she can't be affected by my brokeness..:thinking:
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Need

That's what it comes down to... why I am alone. I'm not the type of woman that a man has ever looked at and had the thought 'she needs me'... I'm just not.

I'm one of those women that men need, until they don't anymore. I'm great for propping a guy up, making them see what I see in them... making them demand the best for themselves because I want the best for them. But that's never me. Guys end up with women that seem to need them. It's the natural order of things.

What I need to find is that guy that sees I am strong and smart and sarcastic and funny.... but that hidden underneath all that is the biggest secret in the the world.... I need him.
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And there you have it....



I asked him to send me a picture as incentive for me to keep going to the Y and working out... I lied..:o



I want something to remember him by... I have a picture from right before I first met him... but he's so different now. Which is really strange, because I fell in love with that guy in that picture. Not the picture... but that guy. Thank god for his eyes.:-4



Did I mention he quit drinking? I'm so proud of him, just for the trying. I have to say that here because I'm not allowed to say it to him...:D. I have no doubt in my mind that if it doesn't stick this time, it will soon... but almost a month and a half already... wow! I got him a two month supply of mega mens heart vitamins recently and he promises me he takes them.



He's so damned smart... did I ever mention how sexy I find smart? :yh_drool I could listen to him talk for days and never get tired of it.



I discovered his real weakness recently. He can't hurt folks he cares about. He can't say NO if it might crush a friend. He cares too much....

Which naturally got me to thinking... he has probably come to realize how awesome he is doing and how great everything is going on a day to day basis in his world. He doesn't need me anymore. He never really did. But he wouldn't dream of hurting my feelings. So he'll continue to call me. Because he knows I need him. That's what he does afterall... he takes care of people.



So I've got to step away for him... get out of his way..he's just the most awesome person I could have imagined and I wish him the best and of course wild monkey sex that will embarrass his kids and the grandkids...



Some day I'll get a handle on this... right now, I'm just disgusted with myself.. go figure..:rolleyes:



:-1
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If hearts could talk...



If hearts could talk rather then simply break for you, it could have told you what I saw this week



It saw a young girl, desperate to do something, anything to help mom...her eyes followed your every move.. ready to step in and shoulder a burden..



It saw family and friends who knew a young mans weaknesses and loved him deeply.. It saw family and friends who saw a young mans love and devotion to his family and they admired him greatly.. It saw family and friends who were all left, too soon.



It saw an entire room of men turn to-wards the door in despair at a child's anguished cry that 'I want my dad' even as she helped bring her dad to his final rest.



It saw beauty and strength in your grief, yet that heart breaks because it knows the weak moments must come. It wants you to know it's okay to show this heart the weakest moments..



It saw a man of integrity. It saw a man of human frailty, who in the most trying of life's moments, managed to stay focused on his soul..



It saw that you are his soul...and that can never leave you..:-4



Atta girl, shell... you done him proud..:-6
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Drove down for the grandsons 3rd birthday today.. he asked for an electric guitar like his dads and they found him a miniature one... he strapped it on and started singing hey jude...we all laughed ourselves silly..:wah:

:guitarist:guitarist



The daughter and son-in-law announced that she is pregnant again.. number 3 for them...



I went out on the deck and cried ...



As an adult, I fully understand that life goes on...



but sometimes you just wish it would give you a moment to catch your breath..:-1:-6:-1
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On Medical Power of Attorney



My son called me the other evening to let me know I have it on him... they make them do wills and cover everything before they ship them out, don't you know?



He chose me because he did not want his wife to have to deal with making a tough decision. He knows his dad could not handle it at all. So he leaves it to mom...with assurances that he is just letting me know on the minuscule chance..nothing to worry about.



He has no interest in living life hooked to a tube, having his chin wiped and getting a diaper changed........already been there, he's not interested in going back.



Do you think a child can really ever grasp the concept that this is when his mother first came to love him? While he was hooked to her tube? When he came to her and their first couple of years were consumed with wiping chins and tears and butts and crevices?



All the mistakes you made with him... that first child. And yet he still trusts you to make that awful decision. Trusts that you can put your child's desires above your own, just one more time.



He says he knows I'm the best one to handle this for him because I am able to divorce myself from my emotions when I need to... I can evaluate the situation and make the call that is in his best interest, not mine.



I'll do it..... because that is what mothers do. They don't disappoint when their baby needs them, for any of the big life items. It's part of the job description they hand you.



But know here -that should that call ever need to be made, the emotions I shield when life demands I keep control in a situation will likely cause me to explode.:(
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Because He Believes



He believes in what we can and should be as a nation. He believes in the potential greatness of his daughters future. He believes it is his duty to safeguard that future for her. For all of us.



He served in research and technology. He's scary smart, that kid. He was safe.



Yet he believes he needs to take his turn, so that perhaps another won't have to go back. He talked them into it. Then he called his mother and asked her to understand why he needed to go. He asked her to believe he would be safe. He asked her to believe it was right.



Because he believes...
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On hearing from your baby that he is safe



".................. Here I read about it and went to load coffins............."



:-1





don't have a damned thing to add to that statement of his...
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On The Warm Fuzzies of Life.......



Last Friday I drove down to be at the hospital while my daughter delivered her latest. I've never wanted to know gender or names - I love being surprised, don't ya know...:D



I sit out in the waiting room waiting for word and I worry that for all I've made it a point to tell my kids how proud I am of everything they do in life and how much I love them.... does she really understand I mean it? Does she know it is not something I say because I feel I have too... that if I could have had any daughter - it would have been her I picked from the crowd?:thinking:



Finally her husband comes out with the baby and they pull up next to me so that I can get that first picture. Baby is great... he starts moving on and I ask about my baby... she's doing awesome.. "oh wait! what's the baby's name?"



Lucinda Diane



I could be wrong, but I think there is a compliment in that name. I think I'll choose to read it that my baby is almost as glad to have me for her mother as I am to have her as my daughter...:o:-4
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NRO Launches First Satellite in 20 Months

NRO Launches First Satellite in 20 Months | SpaceNews.com

:lips::lips:
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