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Helen
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Post by Helen »

took me ages to find out how to get on here :rolleyes: but those of you who know me wont find that hard to understand !!:D

had a pretty hard few weeks. being ill with kidney stones and a bad water infection then culminating with a stay in hospital to have thyroid glands removed.its left me virtually voiceless and its affected my right eye, which now looks like its half closed. got a hacking cough but im not sure if thats because of a chest infection or the results of the anesthetic,

bit like a clockwork toy at the moment, can go like hell till me spring runs down then i sleep for england.

theres no work for me to do even if i could and im getting worried about that right now.

have made a few attempts to post but have been virtually ignored but hey i can live with that !! also had a few probs with the isp so another reason i've not been on here much.

cant believe a whole year hass passed since i was at my daughters, awaiting the birth of my 13th grandchild !!

she is now such a happy smiley pretty little girl. loves her music and keeps everyone laughing at her antics.

did tell my daughters that 13 was an unlucky number and one of them had to even it out.............. wont tell you what their replys were........... lol

anyway washing to do now so i best get on.
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

things have improved a bit since the other day, feeling better in myself now, just wish my voice would get back to normal. having to shout ( in a whisper :-2 ) if theres such a thing, to make myself heard in a normal conversation is putting a bit of a strain on it now and not helping matters, dont have my followup appointment til 31st july so will have to wait til then to see if its ever going to get better.

i think i sound like marlene dietrich, my boss reckons its more like marge from the simpsons :o:wah:

been invaded by grandchildren today,

you know you're getting old when they can DRIVE you to the local super market to get your shopping !!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

what is wrong with our weather these days................ 9th july ??........ more like the middle of december !!

my hunting shooting fishing rough tough springer spaniel has been dryed with a hair dryer and is now laying beside me wrapped in a big towel cos hes cold :D

my youngest grandaughter is a year old today....... omg what a nite that was !! daughter had a home birth and being her 4th, it was very quick. in fact, so quick the midwife got there with seconds to spare :-3 very much to my relief.

she's a bit special cos she will be my last grandchild......... not that i love the others any the less but they grow up so damn quick, five of them having already left school and living their own lives already, albeit they are still teenagers.

i cant recall having that much freedom at their age and their mums certainly didnt i can tell you !!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

been a good day today, suns been shining. i got a few things done.

i go back to work next week but in the shop not peeling endless bags of spuds.

havin a couple of days away befor i do so wont be here til monday now xx
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

well, its sunday afternoon, im back at home again after a couple of days away.

the weather was good, the hotel was spotless, the food really good and the voddy and cokes went down a treat !! lol

i had most of my hair cut off before i went.so now at least it dosnt look like a herd of cows has wandered through it.

i met some really nice people, some of whom i know will be friends for life, despite the fact i wont see them very often.

i went to my friends ( the ones i went down there to visit )" local pub " and it was like id been going in there for years, i've never been made to feel so welcome anywhere.

there was no eardrum breaking loud music, no big screen tv's with the latest footy on. they actually sat and talked to each other !!!

im a bit down at the moment cos i've, at long last, realized theres a life outside this place !!

the dog has forgiven me for abandoning him for 48hrs, now i've taken him for a walk !! ( didnt really abandon him, my boss's grandson looked after him !! )

think i've outgrown where i live now, been here ten years and its about time i moved on.

tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life !!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

be warned !!

never look up an illness on the net or in a medical book cos a couple of hours later you will be suffering from every complaint known to mankind ( and a few that arnt ):rolleyes::wah:

i did do the NHS DIRECT web site to but the other one gave frightening symptoms and dire predictions then offered to sell you books and herbal remedies to cure it all :rolleyes:

i wonder how any people fall for that one !!

went back to work yesterday, it was a bit of a shock to the system and i didnt last the whole shift but got enough done to keep them happy.

things are so quiet here this summer, i suppose people havnt got the money to spend on fuel these days and need to keep what they do have to be able to get to work.

two years ago we were open 11hrs a day and had about eight staff, now we dont even open at dinner times but as the children break up this week that will change till august bank holiday.

in a way, im not sorry, dont think i could cope with it now.
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

well, i went to see the doctor this afternoon and got my legs severely smacked !

what i was reading on the net was for a different type of thyroid problem from the one i had,

he said as it had only been four weeks since my op, what was i expecting ?? so i said, thats just it, no one told me what to expect.

he said you've had a major operation, had a big pipe pushed down your throat, someones been in there pulling you about and i think you've done remarkably well.

its going to take another two months before i start to recover :-2

so now i dont feel too bad.

as i said on the FOC'ERS thread earlier, after reading all that stuff about breathing problems and also problems with my eye sight, i was ready to buy a guide dog and get an oxygen tank installed in my handbag ;):rolleyes:

now i can cancel all that :rolleyes::o
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

well, i've made a start to moving on this morning and applied for a couple of flats. i wont know if i've been sucessful for another two weeks at least. they are cheaper :-2 !! than where i am living now.

i will still be able to work here but it will make so much difference as i wont be on the spot and called down at the drop of a hat to work if someone dosnt turn up.

im trying not to get too excited about it as there are loads of families on the housing list, some of whom have waited longer than i have but fingers crossed !!

my daughter has made enquiries about a nice mobile home park not far from her, i do know some people who live there but its a bit isolated.

im not going to live anywhere i cant take my dog, he's an old man now and has been my devoted companion all this time so he deserves to see out his old age with someone he knows.

when he does go, i shall not replace him, a springer spaniel is not the ideal pet for someone my age, i cant keep up with him like i used to :wah:
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

had another fabulous weekend.

went "up the line " as they say here in cornwall. went to bideford, westward ho ! and barnstable. got home at 5-30am this morning and after a couple of hours sleep, i went to work.

thats an odd thing about some people here, specially the older generation. many of them rarely venture away from the town of their birth and going abroad is virtually unheard of.

it wasnt til i lost my mum, 7yrs ago,her funeral being in bournemouth, that one of my son in laws had been further than plymouth !!

the weather here has taken a turn for the better and looks like its going to stay that way for the rest of the week, about time too.:rolleyes:

anyway, i think a shower and an early night sound good at the moment.:D
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

had a bit of an odd night, last night. didnt sleep too well and when i did manage to nod off, the dog decided to snore as if his life depended on it. this was sort of incorporated in the dream i was having and i woke up suddenly, feeling quite disturbed for some reason :-2

a very good friend of mine has decided to quit his job down here and head back home later today. im bitterly disappointed cos i've come to rely on him quite a lot just lately but thats no ones fault but mine and he has to do whats best for him.

he's going to see his boss later and try and work out the problems he's having so who knows what might happen..........

its turned into an overcast dull day but at 6am the sun was shining.now i've got nothing to do til i go to work at 11am !!!

the baby seagulls on the roof next door have just found out why they've got wings :rolleyes: the noise they make when they suddenly find themselves a few inches of the ground is ear splitting and also that of the parents, who dive bomb anything or anyone they feel is going to be a threat to them !!

it dosnt do much for trying to catch up on lost sleep, believe me :mad:
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

another glorious day here again and what a difference a day makes !! the holidays are upon us.

the traffic has doubled, car parks are fuller.

we opened at lunch time and did quite well then we spent a while tidying our car park.

it was nice to be outside for a while.

wish it was this time last week though, its not nice thinking ive got to go about two months before i can get away again but thats the price i have to pay for working in the tourist industry !! at least i have a job thank heavens.

did a lot of cooking yesterday to put in the freezer and now i cant be bothered to get it out again and eat it :rolleyes:

my mate still hasnt seen his boss about his decision to quit his job, he worked the week out and came to see me before he went home at lunch time. tried very hard not to let him see how upset i was when he left cos theres nothing i can do about it and i cant be selfish and try to get him to change his mind just cos i miss his company.

apparantly, its all do do with " living away " money they get that goes towards their food etc while they are working away from home. dont think his boss has any idea how expensive it is to eat out in a seaside town at the height of the summer. you get no consessions down here for being a "local "
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

feeling a bit sad tonight, been on a few threads that stirred up some feelings i thought had long gone.

thats the trouble with being on your own........... too much time to think !!

knowing theres a wedding and a big party going on tonight that i couldnt go to cos i have to work today and tomorrow isnt helping either. i had such fun up there last weekend so i know what im missing.............. and who.........;) im saying no more on that subject !!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

funny how things change from day to day, not had time to think today, been so busy and i feel so much better than i did last night.

i have my post op check up on thursday, my voice is no better, i have a radio at work and i sing along to the songs, if i could stop myself doing that then i think the voice might improve :rolleyes::D but i cant :-3

everything else seems to be improving slowly. i seem to have more energy now and there hasnt been one day when ive forgotton to take my medication !! which is a first for me.

the weather is still good. its brought the holiday makers out in force, thank heavens. the season has been a wash out so far and theres only six weeks of it left !!

in october they start the turkey and tinsell coach parties to the hotels.this goes on til february !!! we dont get that trade unless they fancy a change for their supper.

any way, my bed is calling me...............:D
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

back to rain and wind again today !! seems like our summer is over and done with already.

i have my post op check up tomorrow afternoon, im glad to say things are improving still.though my voice is still as bad as it was.

its been a long journey for me to get to this state, over ten years !!! of constant illness and fits of depression, apparantly caused by over production of calcium. something i wasnt told about til around three months ago.:rolleyes:

violent migrains that had me bedridden for days at a time.

during this time ( apart from the migrains ) i have never had a day off work.

ive even worked double shifts to cover for kids half my age cos they've got a headache or drank too much the night before.

my energy levels are increasing and im looking for things to do now rather than sitting for hours in front of this screen or sleeping and that is starting to improve my outlook on life too.

when i had those two weekends away, i went shopping, sight seeing and went out at night with my friends, something that would have me running for cover just a few short weeks before.

so i guess im on the upward journey now, and about time too ;):D
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

1st of august !!

just about six weeks of our " busy " summer season left !!

ive got no tan this year cos ive spent most of my time either peeling spuds or stuck in front of this screen,

begining to wake up to the fact theres got to be more to life than this. i've wasted this summer as i have done the previous two.

ive missed my baby grandaughters first year. the other kids sports days, even the local carnival.

there are a couple of other areas of my life that need sorting out too and ive got to get a backbone and do something about it !! though one will probably end up breakin my heart.

got the all clear form the hospital yesterday :-6

the dodgy voice is down to nerve damage but theres a good chance this will settle down........ got to stop singing at work :rolleyes:

the surgeon was a bit worried about my eye condition so hes sending me to an eye specialist. one more appointment in october to check on my kidneys then thats it........ no more hospitals !!!:)

this all started in 1983, with a break in the middle when i had my first op so i think thats enough !!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

not havin a good day today but i suppose you cant be on the up 24/7 can you ?

my friend has quit his job for definate today, he called me when he was on his way home, think im more dissapointed that he didnt come by to tell me rather than the fact he's gone home.

looks like my job AND my home will be no more..............

they did say it wont be for a while yet and to some degree it will help me get rehoused but the council here, if they have no permanent houses to give you, put you into temporary accomodation and under no circumstances are you allowed to keep animals.

its not my fault my partner died of a heart attack, ive lost and given up nearly everything in this last three years. they are not taking anything else from me........



so if you ever visit my town and see someone sleeping in a shop doorway with a springer spaniel, stop and have a chat :D it might be me:rolleyes:
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

well im back after a much needed visit to the doctors for me computor. its working so much better now BUT the key board has had it so im working off a little plug in one now.

my health has improved so much too in this last few days, the voice has just about returned to normal, the cough has all but cleared up, ive lost about 5lbs aswell.

i havnt felt this well in years.

the weather has been awful here, nothing but rain and gales for days.

no hosepipe bans here this year !!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

three dry days in a row !! but im sitting here watching it get blacker and blacker out there now !! been out and got what i need from the shops so the bad weather promised again for the weekend isnt going to bother me.

all i have to do now is teach the dog his highway code and he can walk himself :rolleyes:

he trod on a rabbit yesterday that was hiding in the long grass, not sure who was the most shocked but he was more intent on catching and killing a golf ball that he'd found so the bunny got away none the worse for their encounter.

still having trouble getting on line, took me 45 mins this time so im loath to turn it off now :-2

still feeling good, realized this morning that i havnt woken up either feeling or being sick since my operation. had it for the proper reasons when i was expecting my three girls :rolleyes: then to carry on having it for many years wasnt pleasant !! all to do with the build up of calcium in my system over night :-3

my thoughts are begining to turn towards some sort of break at the end of september. went to florida two years ago, last year i had freinds down for two weeks so i stayed with them in their caravan and we had days out. got a couple of things in mind at the moment, neither of which involve straying too far from home but it will be something different to do and certainly wont involve peeling potatos or fish and chips !!!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

had a really weird dream last night, more of a nightmare i suppose.......... i was in a big building,along with some other people, that was flooding and collapsing round me.

my mum was there........( i lost her 7yrs ago on june the 18th.)

no matter how loud i shouted at her, no matter how hard i tried to drag her from the building, she refused to come with me. she just sat down in an armchair and said " go on girl, youve got to get out and do what you,ve got to do "

i was trying to analyse this while i was at work this morning and the only answer i could come up with was that she was trying to tell me to put the past behind me, let go of all the baggage ive got and get on with my life.

this is going to be hard to do as im coming up to my partners 3rd anniversary too. ok, its not til october but the memories are still just as strong.

when people say time is a great healer, its very true. i can think of them now without experiancing the rib crushing throat constricting pain that i once got.......

i get angry at my other half sometimes cos if he hadnt left me, i wouldnt be stuck here like i am.

BUT i have a roof over my head, albeit a very small one, so im warm and dry, food to eat, clothes to wear, a few material things that i have worked and paid for myself. my kids and grandchildren are all fit and healthy.

now all ive got to do is find some way of coping with the lonelyness that sometimes gets so over powering its suffocating !!
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

08-50am.

my day.......

so far i have walked my dog a couple of miles in the pouring rain. i have then had about a 3/4 mile trip to the local shop to buy milk so i could have a cup of tea,cos no one here could spare me a drop.

in 2.5hrs i will go to work , after i have changed out of my wet clothes and done a bit of tidying up,and peel at least six 55lb bags of potatos that ive had to carry in myself cos no one will do it for me !! plus serve in the shop and do all the cleaning i know that will have been left by the two boys who worked last night. by this time it will be nearing 2-30pm.

i then get a chance for a ciggie and a cuppa before i walk the dog again so i can be back at work at 4-30pm to be on my feet til at least 10-30pm tonight !!

i am not far off 59yrs old, i have osteophorosis, ive had two heart attacks and only two months ago had a magor operation.

so i go on a thread and make a blanket post to everyone there simply because i have no time and im too damn tired to address everyone individually.

this apparantly is not good enough !!

yes im still bloody angry so im staying away til ive cooled down.

to be honest im surprized at my reaction to this, perhaps its cos its nearing the end of our summer season and all of us in this sort of job are feeling like this now. because of the credit crunch i know my job AND home are now in jepardy,something else i have to be concerned about.

perhaps when ive been downstairs and thrown a few bags of spuds about, i will have returned to some sort of normality.
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

well, one good thing to come out of today is that i've swapped shifts with someone so i dont have to work tonight.

ive had a read on " the thread" and yet again the point i was trying to make has been brushed over.

I DIDNT HAVE THE CHANCE TO REPLY TO ANY OF THE POSTS THAT WERE PUT ON BECAUSE I WAS JUMPED ON FROM A GREAT HEIGHT BEFORE I HAD THE CHANCE TO POST ANYTHING !!! I WAS READING BACK OVER TWO PAGES OF POSTS WHICH, UNLESS YOU ARE A SPEED READER, TAKES A FEW MINITS !!

i cant make it any clearer than that but i dont suppose its going to make any difference whatever i say.
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

had a long phone call from a good mate of mine tonight, shes away on her holidays, lucky girl, that cheered my evening up a bit,

its so cold outside, theres a heck of a gale blowing and i hate the way the evenings are suddenly drawing in now,

i was going to go into work tonight, to bring the potatos round for the morning and save myself a job for tomorrow but i thought, no, im not going to. what dosnt get done, dosnt get done. no one else, except the boss does extra to cover for their day off or to make sure the others arnt left with extra jobs to do so im no longer going to do it.

im putting my foot down with a firm hand !!:D

im looking forward to the darts season starting again. got to stick to my rule that i WONT be playing three nights a week this year but i bet that soon changes :rolleyes:
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

something strange has happened here today, not sure how long it will last though.

THE SUN IS OUT :-3

not only is this an unusual occurance in my part of england this summer, its also a bank holiday weekend coming up. the two things just normally dont go hand in hand !! :D

got roughly another three weeks of the season left now. it occurred to me this morning that ive worked every bank holiday for the last 8yrs and a good few before that too.

i always said i would never do cleaning for a living, cos bringing up three kids more or less single handed, i had enough of me own to do but youve got to do what youve got to do.

ive worked with horses most of my life, thats my first love. then ive done farm work, petrol stations, shops, fruit farms, markets,looked after other peoples kids,hotels, cafes so i guess ive had a varied working life.

want to start taking it a bit easier nowbut id probably die of boredom !!:wah:
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

well, thats it, bank holidy over and done with...........most of the holiday makers will be gone by lunch time tomorrow. there will still be a few about til about 10th sept and the kids have to return to school but nothing like there have been up til now and that wasnt anything to write home about this year either.

very bad season.

everybody here is tired and fed up. we've had some bad tempered customers, specially when they've been refused 19 pound coins in change for a can of coke from a £20 note so they can fed the car park meters. bet a lot of you dont know that the banks and post offices actually charge you to exchange notes for coins in any large amount !!! so thats a bit more of the very little profit gone !!

they will actually stand there and swear at you or give you the middle finger !! the customers i mean, not the bank staff :wah:

my feet ache, my back hurts, ive got no nails left because of picking up bags of potatos and being in cold water seven days a week and ive not had a day off for five weeks.

three days of dry, wont say sun cos theres not been that much but its still a first !!
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Post by Helen »

had a busy couple of days, done a bit more to the "moving on " stage of my life.

i have a garage that ive had my past life stored in for about three years, it was my late partners and his dads before him, so there were things still there that belonged to them too.

sadly a lot of it was ruined because it got damp so it ended up at the local rubbish dump.

my friend, who ive mentioned before came down and helped me sort it out.

he took all the tools etc back with him this morning for helping me do it.

theres stuff for my son in law to car boot and ive got to get boxes to downsize whats left of my things so my daughter can store it in her attic.

when ive done that, i can return the garage to the local council and another bit of my past will be gone for good. i will also be a bit financially better off too, not having to pay any more rent on it.

i did have one major upset when i came across my mums effects, that i bought home from the hospital, the day she passed away.

it occurred to me then that i was getting rid of the last few bits that prooved these people ever exsisted but what can i do with it ??

so its been a bit of an emotional couple of days

ive been so glad of some company too and to have someone pick up heavy things for me and be concerned about my feelings made such a wonderful change to the day to day struggle of doing everything myself, while others sit back and watch :-5

and as hard as i tried not to, i still cried when he left.:-1
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Post by Helen »

yet another weekend over and done with !! how quick are the days passing by ??

its been a really nice day today, warm and sunny and i had to look out on it from a shop window :(

never mind, hopefully i have just worked my last double shift and sundays in general so might be able to spend a bit of time in the garden at my daughters.

cant think of anything else to say at the moment, think me brains gone to sleep before the rest of me has had a chance to catch up with it :D:wah:
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Post by Helen »

just said to a friend of mine, who wrote that shes feeling a bit down and dosnt really know why, that for some strange reason, im feeling the same way.

my extra hours at work have definately been cut now, in fact ive had a day off today !!

perhaps its because, for the last few weeks, all ive done is go to sleep planning what ive got to do the next day, getting up and doing it then back to bed again to do the same thing all over again.

ive now realized just how tired i am and wasnt even going to come on here tonight, cos i keep dozing off as i sit here and thats something i dont do very often.

im so glad my health has improved by leaps and bounds because i dont think i would have coped with it all otherwise.

yet another summer has passed me by, not that i missed much :rolleyes: the dark nights are drawing in, which i hate anyway.

i have a very big decision to make, something that i cant talk on here, that will affect my life, should i choose to do it.

gut instinct is a wonderful thing and right at this moment its telling me id be making a mistake cos i think, six months down the line i might be regretting it.

perhaps when ive caught up on my sleep and had a little more time to think, things will be a little clearer.
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Post by Helen »

why cant everyone be allowed, just once in their lives, some sort of magic wand, to be able to see into the future or make one momentus decision easier for you ??

why havnt i got the guts to do what i know ive got to do ??

why is life so bloody hard at times ??
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Post by Helen »

had an offer that is now making things even more difficult for me to decide what i want to do.

it will mean moving some 75 miles away to live in someone elses house. its a lot bigger than what ive got now but will mean that i have waited three years on the council list, for nothing and put up at times with some pretty awful things.

i know people there, i will still be able to play darts and a job is pretty much a certainty.

my kids will be as mad as hell with me. i doubt they will talk to me again !! cos they dont like the person, whose house id be sharing, even though i wont be the only person living there.

to be honest, im even scared of bringing the subject up with them.

ive got two weeks to make up my mind!!
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Post by Helen »

well, decided im not moving, gut instinct or womens instinct ( dont know which is the best one to follow !!:D ) has told me not to.............

at least the people i share with now, ive known for a long time, around nine years and what is they say ?? better the devil you know..................

got a feeling its going to be the end of another friendship thats lasted 25yrs BUT if thats worth anything to the other party involved, it shouldnt get in the way !!
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Post by Helen »

all i did was go to the doctors to get something for my eye.

wish i hadnt bothered now.

apparantly, what they were looking for when i had my op wasnt there and they took a biopsy from something else and found something they didnt know was there.

neither of which has been causing any of the problems ive had over these last few years !!

so now they dont know what causing any of it.

all me specialists and me doctor have to have a meeting to discuss whats to be done next.

i should have been called back ages ago for blood tests. the hospital appointment ive got for 13th oct should have been done weeks ago .

what i cant understand is that if nothings been solved why do i feel so much better.................. well i did until 11-30 this morning:confused:

right now, im thinking to hell with it, not letting them pull me about any more. scared now of what they are going to find.
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Post by Helen »

surprized at how angry im feeling right now and if the girlfriend of the guy upstairs dosnt stop stamping backwards and forwards across the floor and slammimng the doors, she's the one whose going to catch it, full blast !!

at least shes now turned the music off !!

ive already upset someone im supposed to be staying with next weekend by telling them to butt out and i dont need anyone worrying about me.

i just cant do this any more,

endless blood tests, xrays, scans, hours spent on buses for five minits of being seen by the doctors.

i thought that now it was all over.

just shows you how wrong you can be dosnt it ??
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Post by Helen »

OK, THINK I BETTER TAKE A STEP BACK AND EXPLAIN A FEW THINGS.............

as ive said before, its taken many years to sort out my medical problems !! i have been on tablets called carbimazol for a long time.

my gp admitted to me that he had no idea what he was dealing with, regarding my illness. which filled me full of joy and confidence !!

he did tell me however, that if i carried on taking these pills, i stood the risk of contracting leukimia and heart problems !!

as my youngest has had leukimia, you can imagine how i felt.

i told this to my surgeon, who said gp was talking out of his backside !!

so do i believe what he told me yesterday or not ??

so why do i feel like i could conquer the world ?? why do i feel like i havnt felt in years and have energy to spare ??

got another month to go before i go back for what i thought was my final hospital appointment so i guess i shall just have to stew on it all til then !!
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Post by Helen »

OH DEEP JOY !! THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL:sneaky:

the girlfriend from upstairs is going away for 6mths :wah::wah::wah: ( thats hysterical laughter by the way !!)

peace and quiet..................... cant wait !!

busy getting ready for my week away, cant wait for that either.
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Post by Helen »

this will be my last post on here for a week.

this time away im having, is supposed to help me sort out a few things about my future.

trouble is, im not too good at grabbing things head on and making big decisions, i do lack a lot of confidence in myself.

living here i have for the last three years, ive got sort of agrophobic, its just easier to shut the door and forget life is going on outside.

but decide i must !! lets hope its the right one, which ever way i go :rolleyes:
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Post by Helen »

had a brilliant time, lots of partying, shopping and sitting in the sun, even read a whole book. !!

spent a lot of time on the beach with the dog and im sure the drains at my freinds house must be blocked with the amount of sand ive had to shower off him !! ( the dog not the friend :rolleyes: )

got my head sorted out and i dont think i can waste any more of my life sitting here day after day. it might mean going without the internet for a while but thats not the end of the world.

got a job to go to, been asked to play in several darts teams, the dog will beneifit from being able to be outside and i will have a small garden to look after.

ive looked at places to rent here again, its all no pets ,smoking, children dhss,

even one bed apartments are over £500 a month. the town is sinking fast, property developement has all but come to a halt, jobs are becoming harder to get.

the next hurdle i have to get over is telling my kids, i know its not going to go down too well but i cant stay here just in case they "might " need me !!

there are certain aspects of my job and accomodation that i cant go into on here because of my boss's privacy but ive been told one thing by one person, whose word i took !! and one thing by someone else thats thrown that into the air again.

i need a bit of stabilty in my life and a bit of fun too before im too bloody old to enjoy it !!
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Post by Helen »

had a fabulos day. my work mate got married today, just a small affair but very nice. afterwards we all went to the beach and they had some beautiful piccies taken.

they adore each other and i can see them being together for ever, a rare thing these days.

it was wall to wall sunshine and so warm.

sadly i spoilt it for myself by not having anything to eat all day and ended up with a rotton headache so missed out on the reception !!!

nothing much has been happening in my life these last few days, trying to do a bit of down sizing but theres not much left i can throw away now :D

still feelin pretty good, had my thyroid dose increased and have to go back in four weeks to have my arm emptied again :wah: think my eye sight is improving a bit too, its begining to get a bit frustrating having blurred vision most of the time.

still sitting here in me wedding finary so better get changed into me pj's i suppose.
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Post by Helen »

IM BORED !!!

Id like to be outside doing something but its pretty chilly. even though the sun is now shining.

the leaves are coming off the trees thick and fast, its now dark by just after 7pm. the only bonus is that its dark longer in the morning which has convinced the dog its not time to get up yet.

i suppose theres stuff i could be getting on with indoors but im bored with that too. theres only so many times you can hoover or polish.

like an idiot, ive given all my books away, thinking im not going to have time to read them !!

i seem to have been adoptd by a family of magpies, got a bit of a flat roof roof outside my window and put bread and bits out for the birds. at this time of the year, i dont get too many problems with seagulls so it gives the others a chance. i also have a " pet " blackbird that i feed with the crumbs from the pasty and pie boxes from the shop. the poor old thing is a bit moth eaten now but shes there every day waiting for her food.
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Post by Helen »

feelin a bit strange and depressed today,

been to work and have voluteered to go in tomorrow, me day off, just so i dont have to go til monday morning before i see another living soul.

having said that, dont think i'll see anyone then either cos they all go out on sundays anyway.

coming up to my late partners anniversary, the 18th. perhaps thats why !! seems to be hitting me harder than it did last year, there seems to be a spate of " our songs " being played on the radio or is it because im just noticing them more right now cos its that time again.

im going away next weekend, my friend noticed the tone in my text messages this morning and has insisted i go up there to stay with them. its too late to go this weekend now,

the weather is awful, rain and gales and cold so going out anywhere is out of the question.

even the poor old dog is curled up in a heap behind me, bless him.

i left him going to the loo behind a bush this morning and walked some distance ahead of him, he didnt see which way i went and got in a total panic when he couldnt find me.:rolleyes:

pinched my thumb in an iron gate aswell, so thats two lots of broken bones and now a bloody thumb,(in the literal sense of the meaning ) as well, taking him out !!! perhaps he ought to be paying me danger money:rolleyes::D
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Post by Helen »

got taken out for lunch today by an old friend i met on another site. she dosnt live too far away and we have a lot in common, our love of horses and country life.

made a nice change to get out of here for a while.

wish i could sit and post everything i feel on here at the moment but baring my soul on here or face to face with someone is not what im good at. it makes me vunerable. it opens the cracks in the wall ive built up round me.

sittin here now with tears pourin down me face and ive got no idea why !!!

dont even know where im going with this either so i think i'll come back to it later
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Post by Helen »

its been a few days since ive posted on here.

ive cheered up a bit since then. been away for the weekend again.

helped my freinds move house and been to yet another party. !!

they live in a beautiful part of devon and have only moved a little way away but the scenary is wonderful.

the weather was glorious again so the damp overcast day we've got today has brought reality back with a bang to the middle of october !!

going to do some more down sizing in a moment when i can summon up the energy.
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Post by Helen »

its friday night !!!

what am i doing ??? sitting in my pj's, on here yet again, the reason............ i recieved a text message at 6-30pm that was obviously ment for someone else and my whole world has just come crashing down aound my ears..............
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Post by Helen »

been a few days since i was last here................

lots of mixed emotions going on in my head at the moment. i know ive got to get my backside into gear before the choice is taken for me, again for others privacy, i cant say anything on here,

im sitting hear, munching my way through a big bowl of " comfort food " trifle !! knowing full well, someone i care deeply about, is out having a good time with someone else.

i know ive got to let go but im not ready to yet, keep livin in false hope so im bein a fool to myself.

got sloppy songs playin on one of the music channels,which aint helpin things much !!

got a feeling its gonna be one of those long lonely nights....................
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Post by Helen »

well, ive had two bit of good news this week...............

one is that i no longer have to attend any more hospital appointments as everything is now under control, just periodic blood tests to make sure im on the right dose of medication. so after 20yrs, its finally over :)

the second is that " him upstairs " is moving :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl (hysterical laughter )

seems hes got a job where his girlfriend has gone to live.

no more music, singing, parties, slamming doors.........................

perhaps there is a god after all...........
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Post by Helen »

been away for a few days again and had a great time but now im home again..............:(

i seem to be swinging from from feeling on top of the world to the depths of depression, i also know that i should be seeking some sort of medical help too but i cant cos it then prooves im not the "built like a brick outhouse, take anything that comes my way and keep smiling " sort of person everyone thinks i am !!!

i have a fairly new friend, who if asked, would probably walk through fire and flood for me but shes the cause of it...............

its not her fault, she has no idea............ i cant tell her, it would destroy the safe little world she thinks she has now................. if i walk away from the situation, she will feel like ive deserted her and shes more fragile than i am right now.

she keeps asking me whats wrong but i CANT tell her so im making up pathetic white lies to keep her at bay and that makes me feel about as low as anyone can get.........

jesus........ what a bloody mess !!
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Post by Helen »

not done much for the last few days, had a stab at xmas shopping, still got one more prezzie to buy but this person is a bit diificult to buy for !!

its still bitterly cold here but for once its not raining.

away again this weekend, plans made for xmas and new year.

dont seem to be able to summon up a lot of energy at the moment. feel so tired all the time but despite that im not sleeping too well. just want to sit around and play games on here. its a good job i havnt got a lot to do isnt it ??!!
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Post by Helen »

just been reading part of a journal on here, writen by a friend of mine about how she once had three jobs and didnt know how she coped with it !!

i know how she feels.......

i cleaned 10 ten berth caravans on saturdays, on sundays, with the help of my youngest i cleaned a 22 bed hotel AFTER serving breckfast to hoards of ungratefull disgustingly badly behaved teenagers. during the week i worked in a cafe.

at night, i kept my late partner company while he worked as security on the buses that took these kids into town..............

was that really SEVEN years ago ???

where has the time gone and why did it take my health and strength with it when it went ???

why did my mind want to party,drink and dance into the early hours when my body had me in an armchair by 11-30 new years eve ??................

also like this freind of mine wrote, i had decided not to take any more c**p from anyone this year and six days into the new year, i still havent got the bottle to tell people that i want a new start to my life this year, that ive had enough of being up to my arm pits in cold water every day, specially with the tempreture dropping to a supposed minus 9c tonight !!!

whats the matter with me ?? am i really that spineless ??

guess the answer to that is ........................... yes !!!
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Post by Helen »

looks like yet another night where im going to be up until the wee small hours again !! begining to be a bit of a habit now.

people are not good at covering up things they dont think concern you, even if its going to change your life. ( not on this site but in the real world ) and its finding out odd bits of information and trying to piece it altogether that is keeping me up all night.

i know im going to have to leave here but im not being told when.......... dont they know im not going to find somewhere else to live in five minits flat ?? and if left to the council, it could be even worse than it is now.

why after all these years of being treated like one of the family am i now regarded as someone not to be trusted with any knowledge of whats going on but im good enough to be called on to hold the fort when others are ill or dont even bother to turn up at all.

my trust in my fellow human beings has always been a bit fragile but after 10yrs of faithful devoted and very often, way over the top, service to these people, has just about shattered it altogether. !!

cant for the life of me, think what ive done to deserve this and i guess i never will. no wonder people end up with this " whats in it for me " attitude these days when they get dumped on like this !!
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Post by Helen »

did start this earlier but got interupted by a phone call.............

i sat and watched the first ever black american president being sworn in and as i did so i thought about what other major events had happened during my life time.

men on the moon, organ transplants, ivf babies. the change from sterling to decimal money.

computors in nearly every home. mobile phones too.

the eclipse............... my grandson will be in his nineties when the next one happens over this country !!:-3

the milenium............. when some feared the world would come to an end :-2

there have been some terrible events too............. 9/11, the london bombings, the wars and loss of human life.

some personal loss too, my mum, my partner, children of freinds who should have outlived us all..............

joy at seeing my grandchildren born and growing up healthy and loved in an somewhat uncertain world.............. wondering what the future holds for them.



you never know which way life will take you.............. and if we knew everything we know now, i doubt many off us would leave our front doors !!
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Post by Helen »

well, got the news ive been waitin for all this time !!

i have to be out of here in 8 weeks time.

this will be the 4th time ive had to move in just over 3yrs and im sick and tired of it.

worn out with keepin stuff in boxes cos ive got nowhere to put it. pissed off with down sizing and chucking out stuff that ive had for years also cos ive got nowhere to put it.

ive got somewhere to go but i know its not the right move for me right now and will end up causing problems with my family !!

my eldest is now rushing round trying to find accomodation near her for me, very kind of her i know but im ashamed to sat it will be more for her benifit than mine cos me and my purse will be too far away from her if i go to the place i have sorted out for myself.

i have known for some time this was coming, thats why ive not been on the threads on here very much, its been stressing me out too much.

all the life and energy i had has just drained right out of me and all i want to do is curl up in a ball and hope when i wake up, its all over and done with.

i just cant do this again !!!

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