Being taken for a ride...

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Oscar Namechange
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

Here's several questions...

At what point does someone take advantage of anothers good nature?

What sort of people take someone's kindness as stupidity or weakness?

At what point do you say to someone ' you're now taking the p.iss ?

How do you spot a ' User ' from the outset.

Serious answers please.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
Mustang
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Mustang »

"The worst regret we have in life, is not for the wrong things we did, but for the thousands of right things we did, for the wrong people." -unknown
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Oscar Namechange
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

Mustang;1436072 wrote: "The worst regret we have in life, is not for the wrong things we did, but for the thousands of right things we did, for the wrong people." -unknown


Oh how very true.

Thanks for that Mustang. It's spot on.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
Bruv
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Bruv »

oscar;1436061 wrote: Here's several questions...

At what point does someone take advantage of anothers good nature?

What sort of people take someone's kindness as stupidity or weakness?

At what point do you say to someone ' you're now taking the p.iss ?

How do you spot a ' User ' from the outset.

Serious answers please.


In order....

Sometimes you will never know if they over step the mark.

Some people make a career of 'using' and are good at it.

Best not say anything............just walk away...........wiser.

You cannot spot a goodun, you would probably be happy helping them.

Give everybody the benefit of the doubt until such time you suss them......then just walk away with a smile.
I thought I knew more than this until I opened my mouth
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Oscar Namechange
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

Bruv;1436074 wrote: In order....

Sometimes you will never know if they over step the mark.

Some people make a career of 'using' and are good at it.

Best not say anything............just walk away...........wiser.

You cannot spot a goodun, you would probably be happy helping them.

Give everybody the benefit of the doubt until such time you suss them......then just walk away with a smile.


Thanks

Another question...

The person being used Is my husband... what do you do when you can see they are being used and all their friends are telling them they are being used but they ' still feel sorry ' for the person using them?

I have two choices... I can either let this continue until my husband has had enough or go round this persons house tomorrow and tear his face off. I'm actually all for the latter.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
Mustang
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Mustang »

He needs to learn the word "NO," and use it if he himself feels used. He's an adult and shouldn't have an issue dealing with this neighbor.

I mean no disrespect to you Oscar, but if you deal with this issue, you are thereby treating your husband as a child and fighting his battle.

When he gets tired of this situation, I'm sure he'll stop helping this person.
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

Mustang;1436089 wrote: He needs to learn the word "NO," and use it if he himself feels used. He's an adult and shouldn't have an issue dealing with this neighbor.

I mean no disrespect to you Oscar, but if you deal with this issue, you are thereby treating your husband as a child and fighting his battle.

When he gets tired of this situation, I'm sure he'll stop helping this person.


I agree wholeheartedly with that and why this has continued for so long without me stepping In thus far. Yet my husband Is just far too nice to say NO.

Peter actually agree's with me that the guy Is taking the p.iss but still feels sorry for him.

We have an elderly man In the street who Is struggling at the moment and I cook some batches of dinner for him, clean the house and Peter gets his shopping. This guy lives next door to him and probably having seen that, thinks he'll have some of the same. It started off with the odd trip to the shops and now months later, he's got Peter round there every single day for something. If Peter Is to say ' sorry but I won't be around tomorrow because I'll be busy all day, then the emotional blackmail starts with ' Oh but I haven't got anyone else' or ' I consider you my best friend'.

What gets my goat Is the guy Is only 57 and yes, he does have asthma but Is bone Idle. If he asked Peter to go round there every day for shopping etc but said, ' look, come round at 9 am and then you'll have all day to yourself' I wouldn't mind but he actually tells Peter what time to come. He refuses to get up before midday and then plans his TV programmes for the day so he'll tell Peter, ' you'll have to come at 3 pm' which then cuts Into what we have planned every day. That's why I am so annoyed. We'd help anyone but It's gone from popping round there when It suits us and him being grateful for that to us arranging our day around him so It's affecting my life as well as Peter's.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
gmc
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by gmc »

It does your husband great credit that he does the decent thing regardless. I've learned the hard way that some people you need to decide are best not on have any contact with beyond being civil to them and the good opinion or otherwise of some acquaintances is not something to be concerned about. People who take advantage of you are not your friends and have no wish to be they are actually treating you with contempt at worst and indifference at best. you have to decide not to care and so does your husband.

We have a neighbour like that - disabled who asked myself and my wife if we would take a key and otherwise be available should they need it. Since we both worked and had relatives of our own to worry about I said no. ( my wife - who she asked separately - dissembled a bit more not wanting to hurt their feeling I was a bit more abrupt about it ). Another neighbour who agreed finds himself being called on at odd times of the night for shopping etc even when they have someone staying with them.
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

gmc;1436100 wrote: It does your husband great credit that he does the decent thing regardless. I've learned the hard way that some people you need to decide are best not on have any contact with beyond being civil to them and the good opinion or otherwise of some acquaintances is not something to be concerned about. People who take advantage of you are not your friends and have no wish to be they are actually treating you with contempt at worst and indifference at best. you have to decide not to care and so does your husband.

We have a neighbour like that - disabled who asked myself and my wife if we would take a key and otherwise be available should they need it. Since we both worked and had relatives of our own to worry about I said no. ( my wife - who she asked separately - dissembled a bit more not wanting to hurt their feeling I was a bit more abrupt about it ). Another neighbour who agreed finds himself being called on at odd times of the night for shopping etc even when they have someone staying with them.


See you had the foresight to see where that would end. That's the problem with Users... we start off thinking ' oh It's just an hour a week getting a bit of shopping for him' then they take advantage.

With this guy, when my husband went to the shops for him, It'd be 200 ciggs and 20 cans of beer and that would last him the week. Now he asks my husband to just get him 20 or 40 knowing It's a reason for him to have to go back day after day. Then when he gets there, It's ' oh, can you just make me a sandwich ' or can you just put the bins out etc etc. Every time It's a little bit more and more.

He tried Insisting we had a key to the house and I said no.

What angers me so much Is that he Is well aware of my husbands health. At this stage I need to point out that my husband Is a great deal older than me, but my husband Is nearly 70 years old, deemed Terminal and coping with one lung and an Oxygen Intake of 46. He has a short prognosis and this guy seems to believe that my husbands last year on this planet should be spent on him.

I've also tried to explain to this guy that we're not a couple of saddo's sitting around all day with nothing to do. I am up at 5.30 am and start my first job at 7 am. We have priorities which Is job, family, other friends, social life, ( horse racing :wah:) etc etc but this guy Is acting like he's our priority.

I really am at that point where I tell him to F*** off.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
Mustang
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Mustang »

oscar;1436090 wrote: I agree wholeheartedly with that and why this has continued for so long without me stepping In thus far. Yet my husband Is just far too nice to say NO.

Peter actually agree's with me that the guy Is taking the p.iss but still feels sorry for him.

We have an elderly man In the street who Is struggling at the moment and I cook some batches of dinner for him, clean the house and Peter gets his shopping. This guy lives next door to him and probably having seen that, thinks he'll have some of the same. It started off with the odd trip to the shops and now months later, he's got Peter round there every single day for something. If Peter Is to say ' sorry but I won't be around tomorrow because I'll be busy all day, then the emotional blackmail starts with ' Oh but I haven't got anyone else' or ' I consider you my best friend'.

What gets my goat Is the guy Is only 57 and yes, he does have asthma but Is bone Idle. If he asked Peter to go round there every day for shopping etc but said, ' look, come round at 9 am and then you'll have all day to yourself' I wouldn't mind but he actually tells Peter what time to come. He refuses to get up before midday and then plans his TV programmes for the day so he'll tell Peter, ' you'll have to come at 3 pm' which then cuts Into what we have planned every day. That's why I am so annoyed. We'd help anyone but It's gone from popping round there when It suits us and him being grateful for that to us arranging our day around him so It's affecting my life as well as Peter's.


I've got to laugh, Oscar but wouldn't it be great for you to just put on your happy face, go over to that neighbor at an early hour and when he starts pouting just tell him that Peter isn't well today and you are at his service, now! That if he needs anything, it's now or not at all and keep doing that for a few days, at his off hours that he expects Peter to come running.

Until Peter can use to word no, this issue will continue.
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

Mustang;1436107 wrote: I've got to laugh, Oscar but wouldn't it be great for you to just put on your happy face, go over to that neighbor at an early hour and when he starts pouting just tell him that Peter isn't well today and you are at his service, now! That if he needs anything, it's now or not at all and keep doing that for a few days, at his off hours that he expects Peter to come running.

Until Peter can use to word no, this issue will continue. Now that's a plan !!!!
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Snooz »

You could be a crappy neighbor like me and not even know if someone living near you has asthma or not. Because I don't care.
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by AnneBoleyn »

SnoozeAgain;1436110 wrote: You could be a crappy neighbor like me and not even know if someone living near you has asthma or not. Because I don't care.


:-4
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

SnoozeAgain;1436110 wrote: You could be a crappy neighbor like me and not even know if someone living near you has asthma or not. Because I don't care.


:wah:
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

Update

Today, I worked It out that In the past two weeks, 14 days, this guy has had one of us round there 12 days out of those 14., mostly my husband.

It's Sunday, we've been out with friends all day and arriving home, my husband Is worn out but as soon as we are are home, the phone rings and It's him wanting one of us to go to the shop.

So I have been round there and told him he's taking the p.iss.

Told him, he has to take responsibility and buy enough drink and ciggs to last the week and when we do get It for him, It's going to have to be 9.30 am when I get back from the first school run. If he has to get out of bed earlier... tough.

Told him I am no longer going to watch my husband In the last year or two of his life at his beck and call.

He finally said ' Yes, maybe I've been a little selfish.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Post by along-for-the-ride »

"He finally said ' Yes, maybe I've been a little selfish."

That's a start anyway. :)
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

57 is considered elderly? Also, as an asthmatic, he smokes? And drinks? Tell him your conscience can no longer allow you to help him kill himself--let him do it on his own!
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

along-for-the-ride;1436155 wrote: "He finally said ' Yes, maybe I've been a little selfish."

That's a start anyway. :) After every thing I said, I get back from the school run this afternoon and what do I see ? Our car outside his house. He's phoned my husband knowing I'd be on the school run and away for a few hours. True to his word, my husband went and got him enough ciggs for a few days and told him he'd not be back until Friday. He declined the offer of a cup of tea and said he was busy.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

AnneBoleyn;1436184 wrote: 57 is considered elderly? Also, as an asthmatic, he smokes? And drinks? Tell him your conscience can no longer allow you to help him kill himself--let him do it on his own!


He's not elderly.... I said the neighbour I do cook and clean for Is elderly. This guy lives next door to him and no doubt has thought he'd have some of the same.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Post by Snooz »

What Anne said about his asthma... he's too frail to go to the shop on his own so what does he do? He gets someone else to get his smokes. I would definitely tell him I wouldn't be a party to his bad habits. This is like those super obese people that have friends and family delivering food to them all day. He's manipulating Peter into enabling him. I don't know about Peter but I get very hostile when I finally figure out someones treating me like a puppet.
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

SnoozeAgain;1436214 wrote: What Anne said about his asthma... he's too frail to go to the shop on his own so what does he do? He gets someone else to get his smokes. I would definitely tell him I wouldn't be a party to his bad habits. This is like those super obese people that have friends and family delivering food to them all day. He's manipulating Peter into enabling him. I don't know about Peter but I get very hostile when I finally figure out someones treating me like a puppet.


I agree with you both. It annoys the hell out of me that he's so breathless because his asthma Is exacerbated by the heavy smoking. He gets the shakes and Is fragile because of the boozing.

He does nothing to help himself but expects neighbours to be at his beck and call.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

It takes a lot to leave me speechless but:

This afternoon, I'm about to climb In the taxi to go on a school run to Bath and the neighbour leans out of his window and asks me to get him cans of special brew booze and ciggarettes on my way to the school.

He knows I leave dead on 2.15 to be at the school gates at 3pm.

So I say that no way on gods earth am I keeping a brain damaged child at the school gates while I queue up In a shop for his booze.Besides which, I have to wear an official badge and shop staff would probably report me.

So, he says, could I get It on the way back then ? Oh yeah, because my job would last 5 minutes leaving a brain damaged child on his own In the back of a taxi while I stopped at the Off Licence. Added to the fact, the driver Is Muslim and will not have alcohol In his taxi as he well knows...

My husband has gone round there to rip Into him right now.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
Bruv
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Post by Bruv »

A simple "No sorry too busy" would suffice.
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

Bruv;1437407 wrote: A simple "No sorry too busy" would suffice. Funny you should pop up... I was actually thinking about you just now... not In a ooo errr kind type way but a wonder If the old git Is alright type kind of way.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Post by Bruv »

oscar;1437414 wrote: I was actually thinking about you just now... not In a ooo errr kind type way but a wonder If the old git Is alright type kind of way.


Yes you say that but.......

I shall make a post over in my Illness thread................if I can find it.
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Being taken for a ride...

Post by Oscar Namechange »

Bruv;1437417 wrote: Yes you say that but.......

I shall make a post over in my Illness thread................if I can find it. Hurry up then, before I go to bed.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Post by messo »

There are plenty of books on the topic of manipulative people. Research it. Google turns up a lot:

"How to Spot and Stop Manipulators"

"9 Signs You’re Dealing With an Emotional Manipulator"

"9 Comebacks For Dealing With a Manipulator"

"17 Warning Signs of a Manipulator—Never Get Deceived Again"

There is lots more. Use these search terms:

emotional manipulator

how to deal with an emotional manipulator

manipulator definition

manipulator personality

manipulators in relationships

how to respond to a manipulator

how to put a manipulator in their place

emotional manipulation tactics

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