I need peace within myself

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:31 am

Anonymiss wrote: I have effectively pushed people away from me for years, and now am in the process of losing another person who I care about deeply. I don't understand what it is in me that makes me feel so threatened, so insecure, so alone, and turns me into a raving jealous, manipulative, childish person, I have good intentions but then they always fly out the window and I become defensive and hurtful and helpless and paranoid when I think someone is against me('think' is the key word)....I'm at the end of my rope, I want to cry and scream and give up and fight all at the same time. I'm certain that I have some issues due to chemical imblance (have been diagnosed, perhaps misdiagnosed, with clinical depression in the past), and also due to some hurtful life experiences, but I want to better myself and I want to know how to overcome this. I'm going to the Dr next week to discuss medication, but more importantly, I need practical strategies to change my way of thinking and reacting, and ways to feel better about myself and who I am as a person. I want to live life! Please someone help me, I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions appreciated, I really need a friendly voice right now.

It certainly sounds like depression like symptoms you are experiencing but I am no expert. Are you on Medication for it now? A good start is getting back to the Dr. And don't quit until you have solutions.

The other option is councelling to help you get over some internal issues. And get your life put back together again, and start learning to love yourself, then you can love others.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:33 am

You are well spoken and seem to understand yourself? should have no problem here, people will help, you just need to reach out to them? you can private message also for personal conversation. i think if you stay and chat, it will help you, try it, you might like it. Yes.

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 2:50 pm

Ok Girl, right direction, straight ahead and just up over the hump ahead, no looking back.

Stick here and chat it out and maybe you will find some good tips.

There's a great number of us here in the FG and we all bring along some pretty unique ideas so vent away and see what happens.

If nothing else you won't be lonely.

PS is your not getting sleep try boosting your iron, low iron is low red blood cells, low red blood cells can lead to anemia not good.

Dark green veggies, red meat, beans.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 2:55 pm

minks wrote: Ok Girl, right direction, straight ahead and just up over the hump ahead, no looking back.

Stick here and chat it out and maybe you will find some good tips.

There's a great number of us here in the FG and we all bring along some pretty unique ideas so vent away and see what happens.

If nothing else you won't be lonely.
Great advice, Anonymiss. You probably couldn't have picked a better place to bring this out. Give it a little time, wait for some replies, and meanwhile, check out some other stuff here in the Garden! BTW: Welcome!! You'll find friends here. :yh_peace

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:44 am

I have dealt with many of the issues you are describing myself. You are very well spoken, and do give an excellent description... so your taking steps forward already. Discussing these observations about yourself here is a very good beginning. The feed back is theraputic. Top of the list for some immediate relief is to try to rectify the isolation. When we are depressed our instinct is to withdraw,but over long term period it really does make things worse. You mentioned being funny. I am known for being a commediene. Also a silent suffer. Someone who feels things almost too deeply many times. Most funny people are actually very sad people inside.. I go with the advice of the other members also. Consider some therapy to further explore issues with a professional . It will help.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 10:11 pm

WHY are you sleep deprived?

You say you have many unresolved issues. Start with the simplest one and resolve it.

Noone can give you sef esteem. This is something you have to do yourself and you CAN do it. I used to be painfully shy. I can now talk to a total stranger most of the time with no problem. The answer for me was working with the public.

Good luck to you. Keep that Doctor's appointment, and let us know how it goes.

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 6:07 am

welcome you have come to the right place. You say you have unresolved issues the best advice is pick them apart one by one and solve them one at a time. Second, you need friends, family, someone, im not an expert but i dont believe depression can be beat with meds alone. You need a kind word, a hug and someone to help you pull through im sure hanging in the garden will help. This is a great bunch of people here. good luck and stay for a while youll love it here

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 1:26 pm

Your description of your problem made me think about some books I bought a while back on healing the inner child. The best one I've come across is The Dark Side of the Inner Child. When bad things happen, a part of us becomes frozen in time at the age of the event or trauma. Later in life wwhen we are threatened or somehow reminded of that situation we revert back and are literally taken over by that inner child until the situation is gone. In this way many people find themselves saying or doing things they don't understand and that don't fit with their personality. I think you might find this book helpful. If you can't afford it (it's not that expensive) go to the library and look for similar books. John Bradshaw is also very good.

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:35 pm

Marilyn, welcome to the garden. Looks like you've already met some of our jewels.

I can't really add too much at this point...and I tend to use a tough attitude which I don't think will be helpful to you right now. But, for whatever reason, I am compelled to offer you the best advice I've ever had. It was given to me at a time in my life when I hurt so bad that breathing was a struggle. Ready?

You've only got to get through the next 5 minutes. That's it.

Think on it before you dismiss it (and that was my first reaction to it, lemme tell ya).

When life is overwhelming, and you want/need to make drastic changes, thinking about all of them at once creates its own defeat. It's just too much. But if you take life in 5-minute increments, it eases up that pressure. Don't think about things long-term (not for now). Just concentrate on how you will handle the situation right before you.

When the time is your own, and you are not required to do anything, then make the next 5 minutes the best part of your day. Walk, soak in a bubble bath, write a letter to yourself as if you were your own best friend, listen to good music, accomplish one small task...what have you.

Try it for 2 days, and let me know if it helps at all. Also, here's a website you might enjoy. http://www.comfortqueen.com

(((((((((((((((( Marilyn ))))))))))))))))

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Fri Feb 04, 2005 9:45 am

((((((((((((( Anonymiss )))))))))))))) You get a virtual hug, too.

Please let me know how the 5 minute thing went...whether you want to post it, or PM it to me. I know it helped me to both use the idea, and to talk through how it was working.

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:08 am

MarylinMonroe wrote: Well last night I ended up broaching a 'worry' subject although there is already worries, job-wise, financial and in connection with those, the future of the relationship. It's difficult cos he doesn't want to hold me back by me staying in his area and worries I'll resent him for that if we ever break up. All I hear is 'I don't care about you enough to want you to stay, I'm ok if you go' when in fact he has my best interests at heart. Still, he's not as consumed by the relationship as I am and is younger than me, which worries me naturally.
I'm not sure I understand this part: "he doesn't want to hold me back by me staying in his area" ... Do you mean as in relocating or in transferring to a different department or?

He has a very good point. If you are holding yourself back in hopes that you will end up with him forever, and if that doesn't happen, you will resent him. That's a lot of burden to place on him and on you.

I would say that you need to do what is best for you, and if the relationship can succeed with both of you taking care of yourselves, then it will be lasting and beautiful. But if it can't, if one or both of you have to give up things that are important to you in order to make it work...then the strain and pressure is likely to come between you two at some point.

MarylinMonroe wrote: Besides this, however, he did get a bit irritable again last night when I began to broach some part of 'The Talk' so I did the backing off thing again. He's still really hyper-sensitive to me getting upset. I later joked that it seems I'm not allowed to get upset any more, at all!! But he was actually really sweet.
This is beginning to worry me a bit...Not like my worry is the end-all! (grin). But I wanted to mention it, so you could think it over.

It sounds to me like he cares about you, and he doesn't want to hurt you. Points in his favor.

But I think that inside every joke is a kernel of truth. Your joke about not being allowed to get upset anymore may hold a lot of truth. Honey, you have the right to get upset. You have the right to hurt, laugh, love, need, want, care, and all else. You do not have the right to hurt others with your disappointments - none of us do. You know this already; I'm merely validating it.

Here's my worry: If you are trying to fit yourself inside of his wants, you will sacrifice immense parts of yourself. While you may be willing to do this in order to be with him now...how will that play out over time? What happens when you are tired of crunching yourself into a tiny ball, unable to feel or to recognize your own emotions anymore?

I may be reading this completely wrong. If that's true, than I apologize for stepping on your toes. But if I am right, and this is what is happening, then I would ask you to really think this through...beyond your immediate needs. That's really hard to do, especially if you love him.

These are just my thoughts.