DORE, anyone used then before? *Update* - Being taken into Foster Care

Discuss Mental Health topics & issues.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

Those who know me know that for years I have had problems with my son which have just gotten worse and worse. Today I gave up, for his sake as well as mine as it is making me ill with the way things are, it isn't fair on me, him or Jade.

My parents have got him tonight then tomorrow Social Services are finding him a placement for him. This has been far from easy and something I have put off for over a year, before I moved to this place last July. It is truly breaking my heart as I love him so so so much but things are that bad now I needed someone else to take over.

I contacted a company called Dore earlier http://www.dore.co.uk/ did the ADHD assessment and it comes out that he has it as I and most people have said. They are calling me back regarding an appointment for an assessment. I'm hoping that it doesn't cost too much and they let me pay the charge off. Really I should charge the Social Services for letting us down so badly. I'll see how it goes with them and if he does have a disorder I am going to get my solicitor to sue them. I haven't yet told them what is happening, it's been a bit fast but will do once I've been to the place.

What I wanted to know is have any of you dealt with this company before? (I have one friend who did years ago). Can anyone offer any advice please or this or similar conditions?

Thanks for listening,

Claire xXx
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abbey
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Post by abbey »

It sounds like you're going through a tough time at the mo CG. :yh_hugs

Must admit, i've never heard of it so i googled it and came up with this forum that have discussed it.

It may answer some of your questions, it seems it costs £2000 for the programme!



http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/forum/m ... adid=22328

eta..

I should think very carefully before involving social services, you must be at the end of your tether to have reached this decision, it may be better to ask for some respite instead.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

abbey;640119 wrote: It sounds like you're going through a tough time at the mo CG. :yh_hugs

Must admit, i've never heard of it so i googled it and came up with this forum that have discussed it.

It may answer some of your questions, it seems it costs £2000 for the programme!



http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/forum/m ... adid=22328


Thanks so much, it's a shame they don't have their own forum really. I spoke with someone there on the phone earlier, she was really nice. Said the programme is £2000 as you said but that's over three years and you can pay it over the 26 months so it doesn't work out so bad. It's also drug free with is a big plus.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

I'm going to look at this one that is recommended by someone there.

www.learningbreakthrough.com
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minks
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Post by minks »

CG may I ask how is it ADHD (if he has it)is affecting everybody so badly that you have been forced into such drastic measures? I have no hidden agenda or judgement calls I am merely asking out of curiousity if you don't want to answer that is ok or if you would like to PM that is fine to. I just can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and maybe there is more to this than I know. Gosh Girl I wish there was a way around all this without Surrendering your son. You pooor pooor dear girl. My heart goes out to you and your babies.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

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Sheryl
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Post by Sheryl »

Wow I feel sorry for your son. Poor kid must really be wondering what he did so bad to make his momma wanna give him away! :-1
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

minks;640138 wrote: CG may I ask how is it ADHD (if he has it)is affecting everybody so badly that you have been forced into such drastic measures? I have no hidden agenda or judgement calls I am merely asking out of curiousity if you don't want to answer that is ok or if you would like to PM that is fine to. I just can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and maybe there is more to this than I know. Gosh Girl I wish there was a way around all this without Surrendering your son. You pooor pooor dear girl. My heart goes out to you and your babies.


Thanks hun. I did the child test for him on the Dore site and two others on similar sites, they come out that he has it. Also reading their symptoms he has almost all of them. The police have even suggested he has it. I hope he doesn't but there is definately something going on.
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Post by minks »

crazygal;640144 wrote: Thanks hun. I did the child test for him on the Dore site and two others on similar sites, they come out that he has it. Also reading their symptoms he has almost all of them. The police have even suggested he has it. I hope he doesn't but there is definately something going on.


ADHD is a tough condition to manage with or without drugs, however this just seems incredibly drastic in my eyes :( My youngest daughter has ADHD she is in her late teens now and we get by drug free. It's a lot different than raising a non ADHD child like her sister but nothing terribly drastic. Oh CG I just don't know what to tell you my heart breaks for you and yours.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

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Carl44
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Post by Carl44 »

the biggest mistake i ever made in my life was taking chantelle back to her mother ,the only option i had was to go on the run with my daughter ,her whole life since has been a horror story ,the emotional scars she has encountered has left her with major personality disorders ,the damage and hurt your son will go through just not even bare thinking about , i really urge you to try every avenue before you shatter both of your lives ,i made a terrible judgement call eleven years ago it has taken me all these years to try and repair some of the damage ,its ironic that in the very week i try to undo the damage i caused you are contemplating making the very same decision



when my girl comes over i will try everything in my power to make her happy and for things to work out





you have that opportunity to do that now before your lives are shattered don't waste it :-6 :-6
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Post by WonderWendy3 »

crazygal;640144 wrote: Thanks hun. I did the child test for him on the Dore site and two others on similar sites, they come out that he has it. Also reading their symptoms he has almost all of them. The police have even suggested he has it. I hope he doesn't but there is definately something going on.


I have a son with ADHD and another with possible ADD, and I understand how tough it is to raise them. This is a very tough call, and I know that we saw a major improvement in my son when we changed his diet and at one point, I home-schooled him...I know that doesn't work for everyone, but just sharing my personal experience.

I understand wanting to find help for them, and at one time I do remember looking into military camp or something with dicipline for him, but thankful that I didn't...My oldest is one of the neatest young men I know...and I'm very proud of him.
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Post by SuzyB »

CG, you and I have spoke before about what has been happening with Ryan, I know you must have thought long and hard about the whole situation and you feel as though this is like the last option for you and Ryan, before you sign anything please think of this,

How is his behaviour at school and with other people?

Did he start with respite and how did it go?

Has Ryan been assessed by a psychologist?

The most immediate thing to do is see if your Mum and Dad could watch him for a couple of days to give you a break, so you are able to look at every option open to you.
I am nobody..nobody is perfect...therefore I must be Perfect!





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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

Pinky;640142 wrote: I think it's great that you're getting your lad some help, but please, please think twice about giving him over to social services. Think about the sense of rejection he's going to feel...he's not old enough to make sense of his feelings.


I just don't know what else to do. I really feel like I'm going insane! I ask for help constantly, he sees a Child Psychologist which has been no help. She sees him all of half an hour a month in her office. Totally different atmosphere to home. All the Social Services suggest is keeping him occupied, activities, games etc. I do that. Park from school for two hours, home, dinner (when he goes out of the window as my attention is away from him), get him in, have dinner. Run his bath he then almost always sneaks out when he is meant to be in the bath. Have to be here really to see what it's like.
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Post by WonderWendy3 »

SuzyB;640162 wrote: CG, you and I have spoke before about what has been happening with Ryan, I know you must have thought long and hard about the whole situation and you feel as though this is like the last option for you and Ryan, before you sign anything please think of this,

How is his behaviour at school and with other people?

Did he start with respite and how did it go?

Has Ryan been assessed by a psychologist?

The most immediate thing to do is see if your Mum and Dad could watch him for a couple of days to give you a break, so you are able to look at every option open to you.


Good Advice...and my question is also, can Dad be of any help? I know it's tough...I'm raising 3 boys by myself and work full time, Dad has little to do with boys...but sounds like you need a support group rallied around Ryan and you right now.
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Post by crazygal »

Sheryl;640140 wrote: Wow I feel sorry for your son. Poor kid must really be wondering what he did so bad to make his momma wanna give him away! :-1


He knows that's the last thing I want, that's why I have tried everything. Been on a parenting course, had a parenting assessment course, we had a home support worker for a year. He was the same with her and even when his Social Worker comes over, he runs off.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

Pinky;640142 wrote: I think it's great that you're getting your lad some help, but please, please think twice about giving him over to social services. Think about the sense of rejection he's going to feel...he's not old enough to make sense of his feelings.


If I don't do something I am also going to ruin Jade's life, always screaming and shouting. He has been told over and over of the dangers and repercussions of what can happen if he keeps going out of the flat by everyone, including police, he just doesn't care.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

minks;640150 wrote: ADHD is a tough condition to manage with or without drugs, however this just seems incredibly drastic in my eyes :( My youngest daughter has ADHD she is in her late teens now and we get by drug free. It's a lot different than raising a non ADHD child like her sister but nothing terribly drastic. Oh CG I just don't know what to tell you my heart breaks for you and yours.


Sorry you go through it too. :( If you don't mind me asking, what does she do and how do you manage it? Does it affect her at school too?
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Post by crazygal »

jimbo;640154 wrote: the biggest mistake i ever made in my life was taking chantelle back to her mother ,the only option i had was to go on the run with my daughter ,her whole life since has been a horror story ,the emotional scars she has encountered has left her with major personality disorders ,the damage and hurt your son will go through just not even bare thinking about , i really urge you to try every avenue before you shatter both of your lives ,i made a terrible judgement call eleven years ago it has taken me all these years to try and repair some of the damage ,its ironic that in the very week i try to undo the damage i caused you are contemplating making the very same decision



when my girl comes over i will try everything in my power to make her happy and for things to work out





you have that opportunity to do that now before your lives are shattered don't waste it :-6 :-6


I know what you've been through and it made me feel so so guilty reading your posts about it feeling the way I do. I adore Ryan but I'm scared of what will happen to him if I don't do something. He has been so lucky that he hasn't beren snatched or run over. He has no fear whatsoever.

Even when my dad was here this evening to pick him up, I asked Ryan. If this was the last night you would be at home, would you go out of the window and run off to your mates and he said he would.
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Post by crazygal »

WonderWendy3;640155 wrote: I have a son with ADHD and another with possible ADD, and I understand how tough it is to raise them. This is a very tough call, and I know that we saw a major improvement in my son when we changed his diet and at one point, I home-schooled him...I know that doesn't work for everyone, but just sharing my personal experience.

I understand wanting to find help for them, and at one time I do remember looking into military camp or something with dicipline for him, but thankful that I didn't...My oldest is one of the neatest young men I know...and I'm very proud of him.


How did you deal with him and did you do it alone of have help? It's easier at weekends when I have a male about. He still goes off although not half as much and does as he is told more. He has a big shock when he talks me me like crap and won't do what I tell him when he dad tells him to do what I say. He isn't used to that as Karl didn't really have the right in his eyes but his dad does. It's a shame that he isn't closer so he could help out more as I think it would make a big difference.
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Post by Carl44 »

crazygal;640170 wrote: I know what you've been through and it made me feel so so guilty reading your posts about it feeling the way I do. I adore Ryan but I'm scared of what will happen to him if I don't do something. He has been so lucky that he hasn't beren snatched or run over. He has no fear whatsoever.



Even when my dad was here this evening to pick him up, I asked Ryan. If this was the last night you would be at home, would you go out of the window and run off to your mates and he said he would.




i'm sorry cg :(





your life your decisions ,all i can say is those thousands of nights i spent having terrible nightmares and thousands of days just dreaming i could hold my child just one time ,the pain i have been/still going through has been unbareable to say the least i can honestly say that it is worse than having a close member of your family die ,before you put both yourself and your child through this make sure every possible avenue has been searched ,i'm not trying to stick my nose in its just the advice i was given and to my eternal regret i did not take



:-6 :-6 i hope all goes well for both of you whatever you decide
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

SuzyB;640162 wrote: CG, you and I have spoke before about what has been happening with Ryan, I know you must have thought long and hard about the whole situation and you feel as though this is like the last option for you and Ryan, before you sign anything please think of this,

How is his behaviour at school and with other people?

Did he start with respite and how did it go?

Has Ryan been assessed by a psychologist?

The most immediate thing to do is see if your Mum and Dad could watch him for a couple of days to give you a break, so you are able to look at every option open to you.


How is his behaviour at school and with other people? Really bad. Some days he has mornings when he gets on with his work without disturbing other kids too much but most days he is sent to the head to work alone outside her office. He bullies others verbally and sometimes physically, including teachers. Disrupts the class, tears and rights obscene words on their work too. I find this REALLY hard as he is so so clever. Way over average with reading and writing when he WANTS to do it, that's the problem. He even corrects me things he reads that are said wrong or spelt, he is a little me in that case. :wah: I used to think that a good thing but not anymore.



Did he start with respite and how did it go? At present they haven't found anywhere and can only offer weekends, it's evenings during the week I need help with when I am on my own with him. I spoke to his psychologist on the phone today, we have our next appointment Wednesday morning. She agrees on when I need respite but not that there is anything wrong with him. He just has trouble dealing with his feelings.
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Sheryl
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Post by Sheryl »

Nosy question..but how do you discipline? And if you know he sneaks out when he's supposed to be bathing, why aren't you in the bathroom with him?

:confused:
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Post by zinkyusa »

It's very sad CG, I hope for the boys sake you are able to find another option. Have you discussed with his father?
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Post by SuzyB »

The earlier years with my son was just plain terrible, I don't even remember Jenna as a baby, and that makes me feel terrible to say that. From the age of 2 Sam had to see a psychologist, they diagnosed ADHD, he would survive on 5 hours sleep if I was lucky, everything focused around Sam, he would headbutt wardrobes the floor even me, climb out of things and over fences, baby gates etc. I called social services and said I couldn't cope, they put me on parenting classes and I had to see someone to try to teach me how to deal with him. They tried to get him into school early, but couldn't for insurance reasons, I then put him in a montessori school at the age of 3, we had to pay private but it was the best thing that I could of done, I also put him into lots of sports clubs, every day and evening was busy with things to occupy Sam, poor Jenna didn't get a look in at times and I still feel very guilty. But let me tell you it was the best thing I did, it took time but we have got there, he is still hectic at times and a live wire, but he came home from school today with the 2nd highest score in Maths in his school, he graded as a year 9 at year 7.

Sometimes I think frustration is a big problem with these kids, at the time I never thought I would be where I am now, but let me tell you I'll never forget the guilt, of saying I didn't love my son and that I hated him.

Please try the respite and see how that goes.
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Post by WonderWendy3 »

crazygal;640171 wrote: How did you deal with him and did you do it alone of have help? It's easier at weekends when I have a male about. He still goes off although not half as much and does as he is told more. He has a big shock when he talks me me like crap and won't do what I tell him when he dad tells him to do what I say. He isn't used to that as Karl didn't really have the right in his eyes but his dad does. It's a shame that he isn't closer so he could help out more as I think it would make a big difference.


For the most part I was on my own with a 7 year old a 18 month old and a newborn baby, the husband (at the time) was a truck driver. My oldest was jealous of the new brothers, not too happy about them coming along, I remember (and tease him about it now) him standing in the hallway near the baby's nursery with arms crossed and huffy and puffy saying "I have to stand in line for your attention"...no truer words ever spoken!!

We had him on medication, but took him off of it, and changed diet. Saw a huge improvement and I home-schooled him...gave him that one on one attention he needed, well around the little ones of course. My son is now very independent and mature and leads a normal teen age life. He still struggles with anger problems at times, but I'm usually able to calm him down.

My question is, why does he want to run away so badly?? And please don't take my questioning wrong, just trying to help...would playing games help him? reading a book to him? I remember when I discovered that I was the reason my son was yelling at me, because I was yelling at him...I stopped when I realized what I was doing.

Parenting is a everyday struggle/learing experience...I know it's hard, I will be praying for you to make the decision that is best for you and Ryan and Jade!:-4
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Post by crazygal »

Pinky;640169 wrote: Wouldn't your family and his dad be able to help you out a bit more? I know I don't know the whole story, but I do know ADHD kids can be hard work, but it does get better as they get older. I think looking into different things to help him is brill, definately the way forward. At the end of the day, is being away from his family going to change his behaviour or do him any favours? That's obviously the most important thing.


My parents were having him some weekends before his dad was back on the scene but he is now bad there too, not as bad as here but started breaking and stealing things. They have been so much help but both work all week. in their 60's and my mum can hardly walk now due to her arthritis in her back and hip. It's heartbreaking seeing my mum like that and stress makes it worse. I don't know how I would have gone this long without them. Tonight my brother has taken him with him to cubs as he is a leader and he behaves with him so he'll be fine tonight at least. He was meant to be starting one here next Monday but that is only one evening sorted. I started him in Football Club but that's just 3.15 - 4.30. It's after 6pm I really need help but by then, most families are doing things at home, dinner, bath, reading, games etc which I try with him but as soon as my attention is away, even going to the loo he's off.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

WonderWendy3;640165 wrote: Good Advice...and my question is also, can Dad be of any help? I know it's tough...I'm raising 3 boys by myself and work full time, Dad has little to do with boys...but sounds like you need a support group rallied around Ryan and you right now.


His dad had psychological problems himself, due to things from his past. I was with him 7 years and he left us when Ryan was 14 weeks old, saw him once when he was 3 then again a few weeks ago came back into his life after Ryan writing to him. That obviously didn't help at all. His dad sort help and had councilling and is a different person now but lives a long way, doesn't have his own place either so alternate weekends here is all he can manage right now.
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Post by crazygal »

jimbo;640172 wrote: i'm sorry cg :(





your life your decisions ,all i can say is those thousands of nights i spent having terrible nightmares and thousands of days just dreaming i could hold my child just one time ,the pain i have been/still going through has been unbareable to say the least i can honestly say that it is worse than having a close member of your family die ,before you put both yourself and your child through this make sure every possible avenue has been searched ,i'm not trying to stick my nose in its just the advice i was given and to my eternal regret i did not take



:-6 :-6 i hope all goes well for both of you whatever you decide


Oh I know you aren't and I so so appreciate you replies and you are helping a whole lot. The thought of someone else looking after him, feeding him, bathing him, taking him to school, putting him to bed and not being able to do those things or hug and kiss him which we do loads breaks my heart. I love him so so much but am so scared that one day I will really hurt him or he'll go out and end up dead.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

Sheryl;640175 wrote: Nosy question..but how do you discipline? And if you know he sneaks out when he's supposed to be bathing, why aren't you in the bathroom with him?

:confused:


Not nosy at all, lol.

When he is meant to have a bath he always messes about and sits on the loo for ages, it's when he 'goes' every day. He either sneaks off afterwards of when I'm in the bathroom running it for him. I started making him run his own bath, he's nearly 8 so old enough, but he would put it on and then go.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

zinkyusa;640176 wrote: It's very sad CG, I hope for the boys sake you are able to find another option. Have you discussed with his father?


Yes but not on a big scale, he just said to do what I think is right. He doesn't really have the right to have say to be honest seeing as he hasn't been around all his life. About to call him now actually to talk about it now I have stopped crying for five minutes!
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Post by koan »

Is there any reason you can't bolt the windows, or nail them shut, and put a bolt on the doors above where he can reach? That way he can't actually leave the home without you with him? I'd have don't that after the first two times it happened.

I'm sure there is lots more going on but the immediate safety concern seems like it is solvable.
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Sheryl
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Post by Sheryl »

My son snuck out a couple times on us, so we finally turned his door knob around so I could lock him in. Then before we went to bed we would unlock the door.

But I think Suzy's idea of keeping him busy would be great. Tae Kwan Do would be great for him, get's to work of anger and learn some self discipline!
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Post by neffy »

Hi CG hope everything goes well for you and something can be sorted out soon xx
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minks
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Post by minks »

crazygal;640168 wrote: Sorry you go through it too. :( If you don't mind me asking, what does she do and how do you manage it? Does it affect her at school too?


Oh it did affect her school she was into the principle's office daily. We kept her busy, we had to lock doors all over the house from the inside, tie our chairs under the kitchen table so she could not drag them around and crawl up onto the counters. She had a bell pinned onto her clothing so we could hear her everywhere she was, both inside the house and out. We had to use a baby harness on her when we would go walk the stores as she would run away and hide. We were in and out of emergancy many times getting her sewn up from falls or casted from broke bones. She was a handful. We cut out all red dye from her diet, this included medicine. Red die is everything from orange, red to purple. This helped some. She had to be given different instructions than most kids, only one task at a time... and we constantly had to take her back to doing the task over and over till complete. A reward system worked wonders, ie you must put your dish in the dishwasher, and if she did she was rewarded, then we had to say you must put your cup into the dishwasher and repeat the reward, sorry to say this it's much like raising a dog, give the direction in a specific simple way, and reward, and continue to reinforce your love of the child. School was tough work she never paid attention, most work was brought home as home work so we usually sat with her.

I hear boys are worse than girls ADD is common for girls ADHD is more common in boys Jr Minks was an exception. Some kids outgrow ADHD others do not. It is showing up to possibly be hereditary (both my brother and I have it) Jr minks is not outgrowing it.

something that gave me solace was to weigh every issue with her, was it life threatening and could I live with her action if I answered no and yes in that order many things were let go. She is tough to watch when an outsider comes into our lives she is loud and appears disobedient but her and I have a system and it works and we do our best. She will always be drug free as she has a beautiful spirit.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

― Mae West
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WonderWendy3
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Post by WonderWendy3 »

Sheryl;640190 wrote: My son snuck out a couple times on us, so we finally turned his door knob around so I could lock him in. Then before we went to bed we would unlock the door.

But I think Suzy's idea of keeping him busy would be great. Tae Kwan Do would be great for him, get's to work of anger and learn some self discipline!


I forgot about the door knob, yep I did that too with the oldest boy...some people expressed how they thought I was horrible, but it was for his own safety and after I woke up one morning to a dozen of eggs being broken on my couch...well it was a food issue too....

I had my son in Karate classes also, he used to drive the instructor crazy...but it did him good...I had a friend that put her son in gymnastics, he loved the tumbling and jumping...vented the energy and was real good for him.
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koan;640189 wrote: Is there any reason you can't bolt the windows, or nail them shut, and put a bolt on the doors above where he can reach? That way he can't actually leave the home without you with him? I'd have don't that after the first two times it happened.

I'm sure there is lots more going on but the immediate safety concern seems like it is solvable.


Cept at nite if a fire breaks out.

CG breaking things and stealing things is so Common in an ADHD child, what you can try is if he does this take away one of his very special posessions as a consequence hun inforce consequences with him. Hit him hard with this lesson. I volunteered with High Risk kids for a year, and some had to be locked into a small room with nothing inside until they settled down and accepted the consequences to their actions. These were 14 year old boys with severe ADHD and too big to put on a time out chair, they were locked into a room, seems awful but they could not hurt anyone or anything but they learned humiliation and consequences. Be consistant with your son repeat reasure, reward over and over and over.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

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minks
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Post by minks »

WonderWendy3;640197 wrote: I forgot about the door knob, yep I did that too with the oldest boy...some people expressed how they thought I was horrible, but it was for his own safety and after I woke up one morning to a dozen of eggs being broken on my couch...well it was a food issue too....

I had my son in Karate classes also, he used to drive the instructor crazy...but it did him good...I had a friend that put her son in gymnastics, he loved the tumbling and jumping...vented the energy and was real good for him.


many folks thought we were horrible for going out in public with Jr minks in a harness

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�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

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Post by minks »

And further more CG I want you to know I am not passing judgement, you will do what you find in your heart works best. I can only hope it ends up being the best choice. As a mother of a similar child I feel your pain to some degree and can only offer you insight on my own circumstances.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

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kayleneaussie
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Post by kayleneaussie »

omgmy heart really breaks for you.

My son was the same when he was younger, I had to bolt every window, make sure the doors were locked and hide the keys. I had to hide all knives as he tried to stab his sisters, he stole and the list goes on. I was a single mum as my hubby and I had divorced.

I was lucky I met a wonderful man just when I was at my witts end (my eldest daughter was autistic so had problems with her too) he was a great support to me and shared the burden. We went through hell and back over the years that followed. By the time he was 25 he seemed to mellow and is now married with 2 children and working in a good job. He still has his moments but is much better.

I know this isnt much help to you but I ust wanted you to know I reallyh understand where you are coming from. I just wished I lived closer so I could help you.

Good luck :yh_hugs
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SuzyB;640177 wrote: The earlier years with my son was just plain terrible, I don't even remember Jenna as a baby, and that makes me feel terrible to say that. From the age of 2 Sam had to see a psychologist, they diagnosed ADHD, he would survive on 5 hours sleep if I was lucky, everything focused around Sam, he would headbutt wardrobes the floor even me, climb out of things and over fences, baby gates etc. I called social services and said I couldn't cope, they put me on parenting classes and I had to see someone to try to teach me how to deal with him. They tried to get him into school early, but couldn't for insurance reasons, I then put him in a montessori school at the age of 3, we had to pay private but it was the best thing that I could of done, I also put him into lots of sports clubs, every day and evening was busy with things to occupy Sam, poor Jenna didn't get a look in at times and I still feel very guilty. But let me tell you it was the best thing I did, it took time but we have got there, he is still hectic at times and a live wire, but he came home from school today with the 2nd highest score in Maths in his school, he graded as a year 9 at year 7.

Sometimes I think frustration is a big problem with these kids, at the time I never thought I would be where I am now, but let me tell you I'll never forget the guilt, of saying I didn't love my son and that I hated him.

Please try the respite and see how that goes.


Suze I had no idea you had been through this too, not that that extent. I have done those annoying parenting classes too, didn't work for me. I tell Ryan I love him but don't like him a lot of the time when he says I don't love him. I've just told him on the phone I know it isn't his fault and I love him more than anyone in the world. He knows that anyway, we tell each other all the time. Hate is such a strong word so I try not to use it and saying I like him, it's his behaviour I don't like but easier said than done when you're wound up isn't it.

If they would start respite straight away and ideally in the evenings I've love that but these things take so long to sort out and this has been going on for so long now I can't do it anymore.
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WonderWendy3;640178 wrote: For the most part I was on my own with a 7 year old a 18 month old and a newborn baby, the husband (at the time) was a truck driver. My oldest was jealous of the new brothers, not too happy about them coming along, I remember (and tease him about it now) him standing in the hallway near the baby's nursery with arms crossed and huffy and puffy saying "I have to stand in line for your attention"...no truer words ever spoken!!

We had him on medication, but took him off of it, and changed diet. Saw a huge improvement and I home-schooled him...gave him that one on one attention he needed, well around the little ones of course. My son is now very independent and mature and leads a normal teen age life. He still struggles with anger problems at times, but I'm usually able to calm him down.

My question is, why does he want to run away so badly?? And please don't take my questioning wrong, just trying to help...would playing games help him? reading a book to him? I remember when I discovered that I was the reason my son was yelling at me, because I was yelling at him...I stopped when I realized what I was doing.

Parenting is a everyday struggle/learing experience...I know it's hard, I will be praying for you to make the decision that is best for you and Ryan and Jade!:-4


That is what I find hard. He never runs away when I shout at him or tell him off. It's always sneakily when he doesn't have my attention. Last night I kept catching him peaking around his bedroom door to sneak into my bedroom to get out of the window. Different windows in his with key locks so no chance thank goodness. He just says because he wants to see his friends. When he does go out though he knocks of peoples doors trying to sell crap or asks them for money. The police have been called so many times by neighbours because of him doing that but he just loves the attention of it all. I try games, he gets bored of them so quick, loves reading but only when HE wants to.
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crazygal;640239 wrote: Suze I had no idea you had been through this too, not that that extent. I have done those annoying parenting classes too, didn't work for me. I tell Ryan I love him but don't like him a lot of the time when he says I don't love him. I've just told him on the phone I know it isn't his fault and I love him more than anyone in the world. He knows that anyway, we tell each other all the time. Hate is such a strong word so I try not to use it and saying I like him, it's his behaviour I don't like but easier said than done when you're wound up isn't it.

If they would start respite straight away and ideally in the evenings I've love that but these things take so long to sort out and this has been going on for so long now I can't do it anymore.


How about a childminder, social services offered to pay for me, for 4 hours a week. Might be worth a try :-4
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

Pinky;640185 wrote: Nope...I know how frustrating it must be, but yelling doesn't do a damn thing except teach him that people only listen if you yell. Weirdly enough, the quieter you get, so do they! Sometimes you have to take a step back and remind yourself who is the adult and who is the child...I have to say that to myself every day. It can help you step back from it a little and not become emotive over it so much.


Yep I need to do the same. The yelling is very true but when they do the same thing over and over it's so hard not to snap isn't it. I don't just tell myself about the adult and child thing, I tell Ryan, I am the adult, your parent, you are the child, my son so you do what I say, not the other way around. :wah:

Also rather than me saying, if you do this you can do that or have that, he says to me, if I let him have this, he will do that!
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Post by crazygal »

koan;640189 wrote: Is there any reason you can't bolt the windows, or nail them shut, and put a bolt on the doors above where he can reach? That way he can't actually leave the home without you with him? I'd have don't that after the first two times it happened.

I'm sure there is lots more going on but the immediate safety concern seems like it is solvable.


The front window are double glazed, proper windows with key locks so are locked, other than small windows at the top that he can't get through. The windows out back, (one kitchen and two bedroom) are the old metal windows. My dad bought and put locks on them, he just broke them off. Tried bolts too and he will just climb the walls and undo them. The only solution I think is new PVC windows but my landlord won't replace them, not his reponsibility to either and I don't have a few grand to do it.

Where I lived before, I had a big 3-bed house, all with proper locks on the windows. BUT the patio door was an old crappy one and only locked with an attached lock with no key so he used to get that open too. 6ft fence all around with a gate which my dad put a key lock on and he used to then climb over the gate. It was more dangerous having the lock than not in case he fell.

I think I just need to put him on a chain. :(
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Post by crazygal »

Sheryl;640190 wrote: My son snuck out a couple times on us, so we finally turned his door knob around so I could lock him in. Then before we went to bed we would unlock the door.

But I think Suzy's idea of keeping him busy would be great. Tae Kwan Do would be great for him, get's to work of anger and learn some self discipline!


Thanks, I thought so too. He has recently started football club on a friday after school but it finishes at 4.30 and it's late evenings I have problems with the most. Monday he is meant to start Cubs which is 7-8.30, long walk and means getting home at 9pm, great in the winter for me, him and a baby walking in the freezing cold for 45 mins there and back, lol. My dad has offered to go and collect then bring him home but that's just one out of 7 nights.

I would love to send him to Karate or something but it's all more money, uniform, paying for it, etc. I hate not having a car.
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crazygal;640258 wrote: Thanks, I thought so too. He has recently started football club on a friday after school but it finishes at 4.30 and it's late evenings I have problems with the most. Monday he is meant to start Cubs which is 7-8.30, long walk and means getting home at 9pm, great in the winter for me, him and a baby walking in the freezing cold for 45 mins there and back, lol. My dad has offered to go and collect then bring him home but that's just one out of 7 nights.

I would love to send him to Karate or something but it's all more money, uniform, paying for it, etc. I hate not having a car.


Social services will help CG, after all it's far cheaper than what they'll be paying for him to be in foster care.
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Post by Pheasy »

CG, I know we talked privately about this and you know that I have been there too.

I wanted to post this too show you that there is help out there and too show that I understand that 'giving up feeling'.

Cutting a long story sort. My son is ADHD and bi-polar. He never slept more than 2 hrs from the day he was born-that in its self wears you down. He was always hyper, hurting himself and depressed. It took a long time and alot of people to finally come up with a diagnosis for him.

Like you I also had a baby girl too look after - it wears you down to the point of giving up.

I felt like a total waste of space, bad mother everything. Because I felt that as his Mum I should be able to recognise, cope and help with his condition.

Somehow, we got through these times. Eventually I had to take him to pysciatric ER to get people to take notice and help. That was our turning point. The right people - social workers, pyciatrists, pedetrician and theripist started listening.

He is now the happiest boy ever. He has friends and doing great in school. Our life has changed. He sleeps!!!!

Remember you have friends here who have been through these things too - shout for help and don't stop till you get it!!!

Don't give up CG - he's your baby boy.

Pheasy :-4 :-4
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Post by crazygal »

minks;640195 wrote: Oh it did affect her school she was into the principle's office daily. We kept her busy, we had to lock doors all over the house from the inside, tie our chairs under the kitchen table so she could not drag them around and crawl up onto the counters. She had a bell pinned onto her clothing so we could hear her everywhere she was, both inside the house and out. We had to use a baby harness on her when we would go walk the stores as she would run away and hide. We were in and out of emergancy many times getting her sewn up from falls or casted from broke bones. She was a handful. We cut out all red dye from her diet, this included medicine. Red die is everything from orange, red to purple. This helped some. She had to be given different instructions than most kids, only one task at a time... and we constantly had to take her back to doing the task over and over till complete. A reward system worked wonders, ie you must put your dish in the dishwasher, and if she did she was rewarded, then we had to say you must put your cup into the dishwasher and repeat the reward, sorry to say this it's much like raising a dog, give the direction in a specific simple way, and reward, and continue to reinforce your love of the child. School was tough work she never paid attention, most work was brought home as home work so we usually sat with her.

I hear boys are worse than girls ADD is common for girls ADHD is more common in boys Jr Minks was an exception. Some kids outgrow ADHD others do not. It is showing up to possibly be hereditary (both my brother and I have it) Jr minks is not outgrowing it.

something that gave me solace was to weigh every issue with her, was it life threatening and could I live with her action if I answered no and yes in that order many things were let go. She is tough to watch when an outsider comes into our lives she is loud and appears disobedient but her and I have a system and it works and we do our best. She will always be drug free as she has a beautiful spirit.


Wow you had it bad too. I feel such a miserable cow now. Ryan won't work at school either and refuses to do his homework so gets kept in at lunchtimes a lot to work. I can't even get a diagnoses, that is what is REALLY peeing me off. Shouldn't have to go private, I can't afford to anyway but have to find the money somehow. Most of what Ryan does, ie getting out is life threatening as he has no fear of strangers or crossing roads on his own. He knocks on strangers doors all the time, I'm surprised he is still with me to be honest.

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