Borderline Personality Disorder

Discuss Mental Health topics & issues.
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DesignerGal
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Borderline Personality Disorder

Post by DesignerGal »

I am a member of another board that is completely about this sickness. It has seemed to help me alot. Has anyone ever heard of this? Anyone experience in an unchosen/chosen relationship? Does anyone want to discuss this topic?

*chosen meaning significant other/friend

**unchisen meaning relative






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DesignerGal
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Borderline Personality Disorder

Post by DesignerGal »

SnoozeControl wrote: How do you determine if you suffer from this? You in general, not you in particular. I'm open to the idea that I've got a few hangnails in my psyche.


Snooze, my dear, I dont think you have it. My father (the monster) has it. BUt there are 9 criteria or "symptoms" that they go over with you. Here is the link to the board:

http://nook.bpdcentral.com/nookboard/index.php

I think you might find the list there, but I am going to post here anyway.






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DesignerGal
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Borderline Personality Disorder

Post by DesignerGal »

Here are the 9 diagnostic criteria:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)






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DesignerGal
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Borderline Personality Disorder

Post by DesignerGal »

SnoozeControl wrote: DG, I can't help thinking that several of those criteria sound like what I'd consider stalker mindset. Added with a large dose of paranoia. Sounds dangerous.

You said your father suffers from this? Is there medication for it?


There are lots of medications and with cognitive therapy you can be darn near cured, but the problem with BPD monsters is that they will deny, deny, deny. I am seeing a therapist but I sent my "confrontation letter" and he (my dad, not the therapist) told me it was my fault (of course) and that I started this $hit (as usual) so we arent speaking right now. Which is so fine with me! I am much happier without his guilt trips, manipulation, meanness, etc in my life. Plus, since hubby and I are trying to conceive I want to make sure Ia m healthy in my head as well. I dont want this to manifest itself in me later in life.






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DesignerGal
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Post by DesignerGal »

SnoozeControl wrote: Disturbing reaction. If I had received a letter like that, I'd sit there wondering "what the hell?" but instead he's pointing the finger of blame at you. So he's apparently aware there's something wrong, but refuses to acknowledge his part in it.

You must be incredibly frustrated by that.


People with BPD are just hard to handle. My father was awful to me as a child. I just started reading this book called "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and it has a workbook in it. Its really forced me to remember things I had long forgotten. Things that made me feel so awful about myself. Here is an example of hi meanness:

We owned a horse-boarding business and it was my job to clean stalls everyday. We had one owner who was 6 months pregnant and I was cleaning her stall. She said I wasnt doing it well, so she got in there with me and showed me how to do it. She's like, "You really got to get in there and dig out the middle." So I finished up after her. Well, the next day she went into premature labor and the baby had to wear a heart monitor for the longest time. I remember asking my dad the very next day, "Was it my fault that Barbara went into labor early?" and his reply was "probably."

I mean, I was 13 for God's sake. So things like this happened ona daily basis. Another un-fond memory I have is that my best friend and I used to write notes to each other and she would sign her name as Jane the Wonderful, and I would sign Mine as Mal the Great. Well he read it one day or saw it, and then asked me "Whats so great about you?" Just meanness. So thats my history with the monster!! Thats why I dont feel so guilty having a moratorium on our relationship.

Oh yeah, and on my WEDDING DAY, he says to me "You need to get your teeth fixed." RIGHT BEFORE WE WALK DOWN THE AISLE! I have a small gap in the front.






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DesignerGal
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Borderline Personality Disorder

Post by DesignerGal »

flopstock wrote: I don't do the mean stuff. At least not intentionally. I'm more likely to not say anything to someone 'cause i'm afraid it may get taken the wrong way. But if someone asks me for my honest opinion, they get it. Usually they end up mad at me.


THe meanness is usually irrational. I dont think you have it. At least I havent experienced it with you!! Its like its inconsistent too. You are okay with me because I used a blue towel on Monday, but will blow up if I use a blue towel on Wednesday. Its surreal sometimes.






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Marie5656
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Post by Marie5656 »

I have been there. Not with a friend or family, but at work. A young lady in a group home I worked at was diagnosed with BPD. She could often be really difficult to deal with!!
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Post by cherandbuster »

DGal

You seem to have a good handle on dealing with your Dad

I'm glad for you

I see you've also worked very *hard* to get to this point

Keep your head healthy for your future family :-6
Live Life with

PASSION
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DesignerGal
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Post by DesignerGal »

SnoozeControl wrote: Two points... it was that woman's idea to muck out a stall, you had nothing to do with it, FFS!

If he had issues with your teeth, why didn't he mention it earlier? He's an ass hole.

Honest to god, if he wasn't your father, I'd suggest just washing your hands of him.

Gimme his address, I'm getting p*ssed off and I need to tell him.


I start seeing the Therpist in AUgust. I dont care if he is my father or not. He is TOXIC. I think I have pretty much made the decision to cut off our relationship. Its healthier (for me) that way.






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DesignerGal
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Post by DesignerGal »

Marie5656 wrote: I have been there. Not with a friend or family, but at work. A young lady in a group home I worked at was diagnosed with BPD. She could often be really difficult to deal with!!


What kind of things did you experience? IM interested in hearing if you feel like getting into it.

I could never imagine having a BPD boss either. How hard would that be? A co worker BPD would be too much.






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Post by Marie5656 »

DesignerGal wrote: What kind of things did you experience? IM interested in hearing if you feel like getting into it.

I could never imagine having a BPD boss either. How hard would that be? A co worker BPD would be too much.


First, I should clarify that the young lady was a resident of the group home. I can remember her being very self-centered and demanding. Never mean, really...but very attention seeking. It was all about her. You had to be careful sometimes how you responded to her. Once she asked me if I would help her with her laundry. I said I could help in a few minutes, and she was fine with that. Well, a medical emergency came up, and I had to deal with it. So, I asked another staff to go and help the other lady with her laundry. Well, the girl would have none of it. She came over yelling and all upset, I had promised her to help her..and if I would not help, she would have no part of anyone else helping her.

We just learned from that experience that if she asled for help, we would say that "someone" would be right over to help..and try not to promise a specific individual.

I should also add that the folks here had other developmental disabilities, as well.
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Marie5656
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Post by Marie5656 »

SnoozeControl wrote: At the risk of stating the obvious, you can't really 'diagnose' people... psychology/psychiatry is a soft science and there are many interpretations available to professionals. Laymen don't have a chance.

Outbursts don't necessarily mean someone's mentally ill.

Just sayin':lips:


Not sure about anyone else, but the young lady I mentioned above did have a clinical diagnosis of BPD. It was not just assumed.
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Post by Marie5656 »

SnoozeControl wrote: No offense Marie, I figured that was the case in your situation.


None taken, Snooze. I just wanted to clarify!! ;)
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DesignerGal
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Post by DesignerGal »

SnoozeControl wrote: No offense Marie, I figured that was the case in your situation.


Yeah, I mean, he hasnt been professionally diagnosed but its just my opinion after reading all these books and websites on the matter I think he has it. Its a relief to know I am not crazy and did nothing wrong when I was young. I am definetly going to ask the therapist what she thinks.






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Post by Rapunzel »

DesignerGal wrote: People with BPD are just hard to handle. My father was awful to me as a child. I just started reading this book called "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and it has a workbook in it. Its really forced me to remember things I had long forgotten. Things that made me feel so awful about myself. Here is an example of hi meanness:

We owned a horse-boarding business and it was my job to clean stalls everyday. We had one owner who was 6 months pregnant and I was cleaning her stall. She said I wasnt doing it well, so she got in there with me and showed me how to do it. She's like, "You really got to get in there and dig out the middle." So I finished up after her. Well, the next day she went into premature labor and the baby had to wear a heart monitor for the longest time. I remember asking my dad the very next day, "Was it my fault that Barbara went into labor early?" and his reply was "probably."

I mean, I was 13 for God's sake. So things like this happened ona daily basis. Another un-fond memory I have is that my best friend and I used to write notes to each other and she would sign her name as Jane the Wonderful, and I would sign Mine as Mal the Great. Well he read it one day or saw it, and then asked me "Whats so great about you?" Just meanness. So thats my history with the monster!! Thats why I dont feel so guilty having a moratorium on our relationship.

Oh yeah, and on my WEDDING DAY, he says to me "You need to get your teeth fixed." RIGHT BEFORE WE WALK DOWN THE AISLE! I have a small gap in the front.


This is interesting! I've never heard of BPD before, but my mother acts very much this way!

I've ALWAYS done whatever she asked in order to keep the peace, although nothing I've ever done is acceptable to her and she ALWAYS makes nasty remarks to me. Anyway, last year things came to a head. Something happened which upset me a lot and so for once I stood up to her and asked "Why?" She called me a vindictive bitch for questioning her. I wrote her a letter, same as you did to your dad, I reminded her of all the times I'd gone WAY out of my way to help her out - and she hasn't talked to me since! I did write her another letter a while ago, telling her how her grandkids were (as she's ignoring them too) and I told her we'd lost a baby and about the health problems I'd had. She wrote back to say I should tell a doctor if I had any problems as I was too evil for her to talk to! Isn't she charming? :thinking:

Anyhow, like you I've ignored her and, like you, I feel life is better without her constant demands and criticisms. I feel I see her more clearly now and, to be honest, if she wasn't my mother she's not someone I'd actually like or whose approval I'd want as she's very judgemental, rascist, blinkered and small-minded.

Interestingly, my daughter who is very slim, tried on some clothes I had packed away that I wore about 20 years ago, and they fitted her perfectly. Yet I remember my mother telling me how fat I was as a teenager and how miserable she made me feel. So to suddenly see my slim daughter wearing my clothes made me realise that I wasn't fat AT ALL at the time and its proved to me that the weight I've put on since then has all been to cover the emotional trauma that she has inflicted on me. Maybe some people will say that is too harsh to blame her, and yet they don't know what 20 years of living with someone who puts you down every day and punishes you every day and slaps you every day, is probably like.

I think thats why I feel I can lose weight with Buttercup on this McKenna programme, because since I stopped talking to her I've come to realise that I'm actually a nice person who is able to contribute to the world around me, and not a fat and worthless lump of lard which is what she called me and how she made me feel!

I'm glad this is an internet forum cos only my very best friend knows some of this, although not all of it. :lips:
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Post by DesignerGal »

Rapunzel wrote:



since I stopped talking to her I've come to realise that I'm actually a nice person who is able to contribute to the world around me, and not a fat and worthless lump of lard which is what she called me and how she made me feel!

I'm glad this is an internet forum cos only my very best friend knows some of this, although not all of it. :lips:


YES YES AND YES! My father was so nasty when he called me fat all the time. I was like a size 4. I was 5'3" and weighed approx 115 pounds.

You should check out the BPD link I posted. There is so much information there!






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Post by cherandbuster »

DGal :-4

Rapunzel :-4
Live Life with

PASSION
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DesignerGal
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Post by DesignerGal »

cherandbuster wrote: DGal :-4

Rapunzel :-4


I wish I knew you in real life. I bet you are the most cheerful and loving person to be around in person!






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Post by cherandbuster »

DesignerGal wrote: I wish I knew you in real life. I bet you are the most cheerful and loving person to be around in person!


DGal

What a kind response!

I do my best to see the good in everything. I also have a need to nurture those I care about.

Like you. :-4
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Post by cherandbuster »

onsekiz wrote: I agree that.


onsekiz

you were so nice to me on your very first day here

you showed me how to put my picture in a post and my avatar

You're O. K. in my book!! :-6
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sunny104
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Post by sunny104 »

hugs to all of you.

a lot of this sounds like the way my mother was to me my whole life and I finally decided to not let her be a part of it anymore 6 years ago. :(

my life has been much more peaceful without her in it.
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Post by Nomad »

People love to categorize other people, and they love to throw around phrases and clinical terms. Not to imply mental illness isnt a valid equation, but in my mind everyone has some type of disorder. It could be a compulsion or it could be behavioral pattern that doesnt quite fit in with "societies" idea of whats acceptable. We all have quirks, if its not harmful I say quirk away, makes life more interesting.
I AM AWESOME MAN
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Marie5656
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Post by Marie5656 »

Nomad wrote: People love to categorize other people, and they love to throw around phrases and clinical terms. Not to imply mental illness isnt a valid equation, but in my mind everyone has some type of disorder. It could be a compulsion or it could be behavioral pattern that doesnt quite fit in with "societies" idea of whats acceptable. We all have quirks, if its not harmful I say quirk away, makes life more interesting.


Yeah, what No Mad said.
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Rapunzel
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Post by Rapunzel »

flopstock wrote: What are ya girl, NUTS???:D Next time just ask, okay? Any one of us could have told you how wonderful you are a LONG LONG time ago!:-4


Thanks Floppy, you're a sweetheart!

But ya have to understand how hard it is to accept compliments from people when your own mother is constantly criticising you and telling you how worthless you are!

Last time she came for a visit she would go around behind me in the mornings, when I'd cleaned the bathroom and toilet, and she would clean them again. Didn't matter how hard I scrubbed them. And it made me feel as though my house was dirty and not up to standard. Then when I cooked dinner she would sit and read a book (she who has read about 4 books in her entire life!) and completely ignore us all, which made us feel very boring and inadequate. Its all stupid petty stuff, but there is mountains of it.

And the hard part is that although I don't particularly like her as a person and if she ever offers any advice I know the most sensible thing to do is the exact opposite of what she suggests, but still she's my mum and I crave acceptance and respect from her. It's very hard.

Every so often I get very depressed because all I want is a normal mum, like other people's mums. When I was a teenager, I used to spend every weekend at my best friends house. Literally every single weekend, for about 4 years! How mad is that? But my friend was never allowed to stay at my house. Luckily my friend had a great family and all my good memories are from being with them.

But on the positive side, I allow my kids to have their mates over whenever they want. I'm the mum I wanted her to be and so her negativity has made me a better mum.

Interestingly, I chatted to my brother at my cousins wedding recently, and we both said that we wish we had been adopted. I very rarely see my brother as he is older than me and he left home at a very young age. I've probably only seen him a handful of times in the last 20 years. I wonder now how she treated him that he left so fast and so rarely returns? Families - aren't they nutz? :thinking:
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Post by Rapunzel »

Hugggs to D Gal, Cher, Onsekiz and Sunny!

My daughter said the other day that I was a very loving Mummy, which nearly made me cry it was so sweet!

As Nomad says we all have quirks - and thats what makes us interesting!

I've never thought of my mother of having a 'condition' before, but as Diuretic says, there's bound to be a medication for it somewhere! Lol!

However, MY medication is simply to stay away. The same as Sunny has done, D Gal, you and I should just lead our own lives. It's very hard when you crave acceptance but I guess thats never going to come and feeling constantly unworthy is even harder as you become locked in a circle of depression.

Thanks D Gal, this was an interesting thread and its opened my eyes to things I didn't really understand. Hugs to you.
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Post by sunny104 »

Rapunzel, I wish you all the best, you'll know if you've made the right choice if you are at peace with your decision as I am.

here are some quotes from mommy dearest: I was embarrassed to take you out when you were a baby because you were so ugly, I used to pretend to be asleep so you'd leave me alone in the morning, I'm going to tell you're fiance to leave you, I'm not going to waste money visiting you, I'm not going to celebrate your engagement in any way because I don't know if you're serious, I don't see why you need to do all this (referring to my wedding)

nice, huh?

It's not an easy thing to do and I too wished things were different but I finally just had to accept things as they were. I still can't look at my life in a negative way because they helped make me into the person that I am today and I'm grateful that I turned out to be a good person (and a very cool mom, if I do say so myself...:D )

lots of love to all of you! :-4

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