Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Discuss Mental Health topics & issues.
listeranta
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2005 4:12 pm

Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Post by listeranta »

Woke up late, again; too late to book car for repair; f**ked up my email in-box; kicked over the one glass of wine I had; home shopping site not working properly; bangers going off all over the place; NO persian rugs; only two fags and one just burnt away; me hair's falling out; I'm skint; life stinks and Gordon Brown's a c**t.

Doh, doh, doh! ***king DOH!

I keep telling myself that I'm lucky to have such insignificant problems: I have a warm home, clean drinking water and food in the freezer. What more does a person need?



I try to be pro-active, positive, personable but nothing seems to improve: every little triumph is countered by a huge kick in the teeth.

I feel as if this is my fate; that it's never going change no matter what i do.

'They' say it's down to a lack of self esteem, that one has to 'love oneself' and feel deserving of good things in order to attain them.

Bull! I like myself well enough; I don't believe I deserve to be unhappy.

'They' taught me the acronym HALT.

More bull.

H: I am hungry, but not for food

A: I am angry, but I try to rationalise my anger. I try to understand and forgive those who anger me

L: I am lonely, but not alone

T: I am tired, but not sleepy

Stupid acronym; raises more questions than it answers. In trying to address these questions I just seem to make matters worse.

I don't need 'them' to diagnose me; I don't need to put a name or label to how I feel; I don't need drugs that don't work; I don't need 'talking therapies' which are no help in the long run. I just need it to STOP.

The only reason I don't try suicide again is that it would (probably) destroy my mum.

So it won't stop, it goes on, and on...
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OpenMind
Posts: 8645
Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:54 am

Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Post by OpenMind »

Sounds like you've been reading one of those books about personal improvement. Done the same, my life's not been the same since I learnt why it's sh*t. Commit suicide, no fear, I wanna share this sh*t. A sh*t shared is a sh*t halved. I now have half your sh*t. And doesn't it stink! The best way out of feeling sh*t is to wallow in it. That way, when you don't feel like sh*t, you feel bloody marvelous.
listeranta
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2005 4:12 pm

Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Post by listeranta »

OpenMind wrote: Sounds like you've been reading one of those books about personal improvement. Done the same, my life's not been the same since I learnt why it's sh*t. Commit suicide, no fear, I wanna share this sh*t. A sh*t shared is a sh*t halved. I now have half your sh*t. And doesn't it stink! The best way out of feeling sh*t is to wallow in it. That way, when you don't feel like sh*t, you feel bloody marvelous.


Thank you, that was quite funny.

They do print a lot of rubbish in so called self-help books. That's not where I got it from tho: Unfortunately I was hospitalised for 10 months in a psychiatric unit after a failed suicide.

I have clinical depression. I believe it began when I was old enough (7) to start asking profound questions and seeking answers.

I have found that there are no answers, only paradox. I believe that where there is paradox there is the ultimate truth. Human kind is simply to dumb to see this.

Or maybe, we are not meant to know -

I forget who said this: "The third (the truth) is not given." my pars.

I can do wallowing: I write down how I feel, then take to my bed. If i am still weeping when I awaken, I go back to bed.

Wallowing is not allowed in hospital. They make you get up and follow the daily routine along with say 80 other dudes. Consequently things kick off from time to time: folks don't often get hurt (imagine trying to move with four huge nigerian male nurses sitting on you!) It's mainly doors that take the brunt of it. I took one off it's hinges myself. It's amazing how strong you get when mad; I'm like, seven stone of skin and bone and can't even carry my own shopping!

So there's damage to property, everyone gets upset, some get stuck with heavy drugs. Then you are humiliated in ward round and all involved get another month. Maybe they should allow a little wallowing, eh?

Getting back to the point about these 'self-improvement' rags. DON'T READ THEM! see quote above.

Biogs are much more useful. Claire Rayner's story is inspiring, as is a book called "Bent But Not Broken". I forget the name of the (f) author.

For those who feel just a little lost I recommend "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck.

Do try to focus on the good things you do have. Do take one day at a time and one task at time. Don't say 'yes' when you need to say 'no'.

Seriously, dear gardeners, if you are entertaining suicidal feelings or struggling with 'unwanted' thoughts go to the hospital. Get someone to take you and stay with you until you have seen the duty psych. Be honest and don't be afraid. Many of the staff have either suffered mental ill health themselves or have a loved one with problems. These good folks really are angels and they will help you.

with love -

Lis
lady cop
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Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2004 1:00 pm

Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Post by lady cop »

that was a much more coherent post. i really wish you well.
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OpenMind
Posts: 8645
Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:54 am

Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Post by OpenMind »

Glad to see your last post is a lot more positive. Don't go looking for the truth, there is no truth to find of the sort you are looking for. Just concentrate on the here and now and how you're feeling now and why. Post again if you're feeling down. Dancing helps.:-6
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Galbally
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:26 pm

Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Post by Galbally »

Hi Liseranta I'm sorry to hear your story, its upsetting because I have experienced quite severe (actually very severe) depression when I was younger, so I know exactly what you are talking about. The one really good thing I can say to you is that I actually got over it and became fine and quite a happy person really, so there is hope, your not condemed to have to feel that way forever, I know I thought that this was it many times.

Mine arose in my early 20's due to a family tragedy, grief, lonliness and heartbreak, very difficult emotions to deal with at a young age, and I compounded it by drinking heavily to "drown my sorrows" as they say. With the upshot that before 2 long I was flirting with suicide and ending up in phsyciatric hospitals. I went through all the usual remedies and medications, but I didn't really get any better, I just became more able to function, but as a very unhappy individual. This situation went on for several years with intervals of hospitalization and alcoholism with all the demoralization and confusion that this brings. I sat through endless counciling sessions and read self-help books and all that stuff. I found that both medication and couciling were useful up to a point, but they weren't effective as long-term cures and it just got to the stage where I didn't know if I was an alco or an emotionally crippled depressive, I just got completely sick of it all and seriously attempted to do myself in. Needless to say I survived and wound up back in hospital, again. This time though something happened, I just lay in bed (as you do) hating myself and my life and quite happy to jump out a window, when I thought well its either that or just letting go of my fears, completely restarting my life just to see if it would be better (after all I had nothing to lose so why not get radical? as anything that doesn't involve you being a corpse has to be better), so I quit my job, moved out of the city, stopped worrying about all the things that were making me anxious like career and debt, and relationships, etc, I stopped wondering why I felt the way I did, stopped feeling angry or in any way hard done by, and just started doing really nice things like going to the cinema, going on hill walks, getting out and about with friends, being healthy and avoiding drink or anything like dope or that.

It was a struggle at first coz I still felt a bit down, but after a not too long time, everything changed for me I really began to just feel good. The sky started to look blue again, I was able to sleep, I felt good when I woke up and wanted to engage with the world and other people, I felt active and the lethargy and laziness was gone. Its been fine (in fact wonderful) ever since and I havn't looked back. I know that sounds a bit simplistic and all that, but that was my honest experience of it. Its not the same for different people, but I hope that there is something in that that gives you a bit of hope for the future, as hope is the one thing in very short supply when you are clinically depressed. I would plead with you to not succumb to the suicidal feelings, as I feel I would have missed out on such wonderful events that have occurred since my depression and have been able to do good things for my family and friends that I couldn't have done otherwise. The world really is a place worth being in, and the people around you deserve to have you in their lives so don't give up.
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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OpenMind
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Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:54 am

Yet another poxy day (rhetoric)

Post by OpenMind »

Well said Galby.:-6

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