I wish the President would say this!

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Sweet Tooth
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Sweet Tooth »

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.



Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.



Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France , or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. The entire corrupt government really needs an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.



We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

*sorry, I cant fix the text!*

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Galbally
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Galbally »

You funny sweet tooth, we never knew you cared hehehehehe.



Here would be the European counter-statement following this bombshell announcement by the U.S..



Dear World

Good morning everyone, Europe here, you may remember us from such previous historical events as "the complete military, intellectual, technological, and cultural domination of planet Earth since 1550 up to 1914" among other things, which we won't go in here, because it would take too long, (though we should probably mention the Roman Empire, that was a good one). Sorry we digress,....... anyway, as you may have heard, the Americans have decided to give up the global domination business as they are bored, confused, and angry at how difficult it is.

Quite.

So, we have decided that its in the best interests of everyone involved that we formally retake all former European colonial possessions, (i.e. everywhere except Japan) re-militarize our nations, drop this "lets be nice to everybody" routine we have had to adopt since 1945, and put the "Civilized" back into "Civilization". As, it is well known that when it comes to empires, we know precisely, (and we mean precisely), how they should be done. You may expect a large army of suitably educated and well dressed soldiers, with fancy and stylish weapons vehicles, and aircraft, reading Voltaire, listening to Bach, (and generally being standoff-ish to everyone) turning up in your god-awful tin pot countries any day soon. You pathetic cretins in the rest of the world can expect to have to try a lot harder than you have been doing to keep the planet looking stylish, and these incessant wars about your makey-uppy cultures and languages, your "quaint" political systems, your ridiculous religions, your badly written books, your awful and vulgar table manners, your uninspiring art, your useless musicians, and your generally immature attitudes to being ruled properly by your betters, (i.e. us, and you know it) good lord. If you object to this turn of events you will be shot forthwith, and your relatives can make a formal complaint to .

Frau Winklerscruber

Head, of dealing with dull foreigners.

European world re-conquest department,

Nieblung Strasse, Berlin, 4563,

Deutschland,

EU.



You will be cheered to note that we have decided to also drop this irritating pretense at any form of morality in world politics, as it just complicates things, and gives lawyers paid work. We also don't care about your boring problems because we are Europeans, we were just pretending not to be evil for a while, so just hurry up and die. So, if you object to any of our very pleasant and fair proposals, you may expect several high-yield thermo nuclear missiles in your capital cities at roughly 11 O'Clock Greenwich Mean Time (of course) the following day. If any other nuclear power decides to retaliate we shall by all means destroy this meaningless planet, out of spite and malice and in general protest at the mediocrity of the world and the low standard of writing in modern theatre. Of course all survivors of any attacks instigated by Europe (presuming there will be a planet left, but really, who cares?) will receive the best medical attention free of charge to them at various top-notch European hospitals at EU taxpayer expense, we will also throw in free high-quality state schooling for your fat orphaned children, proper food, and some nice colonial buildings, (well, good enough for you lot) where your grieving relatives can sit around and debate various post colonial issues like the useless serfs they are. Once the malcontents have been dealt with appropriately, The UN will be moved from New York to Geneva, where it will fit in nicely, and the food will be nicer, and the prostitutes more classy, though also more expensive. Again, (and we simply can't stress this enough) if you get stroppy about anything whatsoever, or give us any cause of annoyance, you will be crucified upside down on the main road to Lyon with your family for 3 generations. In general we expect that you will find us unpleasant imperial masters, but we do it best of all, so shut up, and get back to work you awful, awful peasants. That will be all.





Good day



Europe.







P.S. No whingeing, or you will also be shot and your corpse burned.
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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spot
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by spot »

Really, Galbally, that altogether lacks magnanimity. Sweet's offering you everything the world ever asked for and you're being unkind. There's nothing whatever in any word of she wrote that either of us should take exception to, the entire offer is a gift made in heaven.

Bush has announced that the destruction (or "defeat") of the Iraqi regime is complete and that all American troops will be back in the US Homeland within thirty days? Give the man the Nobel Peace Prize at the next available opportunity, I say, and cheap at the price.

"The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption"? Thank Christ for that, there is no more important victory available on earth than banning the provision of aid tied to trade, or dumping agricultural excess into foreign markets where the local producers immediately fall into destitution. Turning off all US aid is a huge concession on the President's part and we thank him for it from the bottom of our hearts. If it costs the abolition of emergency relief at the same time, I'm sure the rest of us can make up the difference. I don't actually believe "I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home" but that's for the US electorate to fix somehow, though just voting Democrat won't get it done, that's for sure.

Retiring from NATO, NAFTA, and pushing the UN out of New York? God bless you Mister Bush, and all your children too.

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin'".

Oh... Canada and Mexico. I'm not sure whether the President is proposing to exclude cross-border travel or to assimilate the territory and inhabitants into the US as additional States. It works for me, the US will improve either way.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
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Galbally
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Galbally »

spot;551146 wrote: Really, Galbally, that altogether lacks magnanimity. Sweet's offering you everything the world ever asked for and you're being unkind. There's nothing whatever in any word of she wrote that either of us should take exception to, the entire offer is a gift made in heaven.

Bush has announced that the destruction (or "defeat") of the Iraqi regime is complete and that all American troops will be back in the US Homeland within thirty days? Give the man the Nobel Peace Prize at the next available opportunity, I say, and cheap at the price.

"The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption"? Thank Christ for that, there is no more important victory available on earth than banning the provision of aid tied to trade, or dumping agricultural excess into foreign markets where the local producers immediately fall into destitution. Turning off all US aid is a huge concession on the President's part and we thank him for it from the bottom of our hearts. If it costs the abolition of emergency relief at the same time, I'm sure the rest of us can make up the difference. I don't actually believe "I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home" but that's for the US electorate to fix somehow, though just voting Democrat won't get it done, that's for sure.

Retiring from NATO, NAFTA, and pushing the UN out of New York? God bless you Mister Bush, and all your children too.

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin'".

Oh... Canada and Mexico. I'm not sure whether the President is proposing to exclude cross-border travel or to assimilate the territory and inhabitants into the US as additional States. It works for me, the US will improve either way.




I thought it a rather modest European proposal myself. Standards on planet earth have definetly dropped since Europe ran the place properly. Heheheheh.
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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spot
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by spot »

Galbally;551155 wrote: I thought it a rather modest proposal myself. Heheheheh.
Just as well the buggers think they have a sense of humour, isn't it.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
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Chookie
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Chookie »

spot;551146 wrote: Retiring from NATO, NAFTA, and pushing the UN out of New York? God bless you Mister Bush, and all your children too.


I never thought I would never be in this position, but may I say, from the bottom of heart (wherever that is), God Bless You GW Bush.



Having said that, I found Gallballys' response to be rather wishy-washy.
An ye harm none, do what ye will....
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Galbally
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Galbally »

Chookie;551166 wrote: I never thought I would never be in this position, but may I say, from the bottom of heart (wherever that is), God Bless You GW Bush.



Having said that, I found Gallballys' response to be rather wishy-washy.


I know, I know, thats my problem, too soft really. Discipline and a proper education is sadly lacking nowadays.
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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Chookie
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Chookie »

Galbally;551174 wrote: Discipline and a proper education is sadly lacking nowadays.


Yeah, bring back the tawse. That's what I say.
An ye harm none, do what ye will....
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Galbally
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Galbally »

Chookie;551176 wrote: Yeah, bring back the tawse. That's what I say.


Indeed, or alternately, summarily shoot a few of them for being cocky smart-arses, that will teach the others quickly enough to mind their manners. Anyone mentioning human rights will be burned alive, also failure to pass exams in proper subjects means a year of beatings, and gruel for all meals. I think with about 3 generations, we may have sorted them all out once more. Dullards.
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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Chookie
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Chookie »

Galbally;551191 wrote: ....... summarily shoot a few of them for being cocky smart-arses, that will teach the others quickly enough to mind their manners.....


Alternatively, we could be merciful, just crucify the buggers upside-down for a first offence.
An ye harm none, do what ye will....
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Galbally
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Galbally »

Chookie;551199 wrote: Alternatively, we could be merciful, just crucify the buggers upside-down for a first offence.


Why wait for them to commit an offence???, god you are soft, they are all more or less a waste of space anyway, but we need some to work in the mines, but lets just keep the stupid ones, and god knows there are enough of them.
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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Chookie
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Chookie »

Galbally;551206 wrote: ... god you are soft, they are all more or less a waste of space anyway, but we need some to work in the mines, but lets just keep the stupid ones, and god knows there are enough of them.


Good God Man!! Do you know what you've just done? Hell mend ye, ye have just found a use for politicians!!!!
An ye harm none, do what ye will....
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Galbally
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Galbally »

Chookie;551209 wrote: Good God Man!! Do you know what you've just done? Hell mend ye, ye have just found a use for politicians!!!!


Indeed.
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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Chookie
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Chookie »

Galbally;551219 wrote: Indeed.


Mind you..........
An ye harm none, do what ye will....
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Bill Sikes
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Bill Sikes »

Sweet Tooth;550986 wrote: B][big snip]


What a *wonderful* idea.
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Galbally
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I wish the President would say this!

Post by Galbally »

Seriously though, relax America, we still care about you lot, and you are definetly not the worst of them at all, your just having a bit of a nightmare at the moment with various things, its never easy is it? But it will be alright in the end.

Also, when the Chinese take over the world, you will have the luxury of being able to say HA! We told you so!
"We are never so happy, never so unhappy, as we imagine"



Le Rochefoucauld.



"A smack in the face settles all arguments, then you can move on kid."



My dad 1986.
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