Spring Cleaning

[Saint_]

For better or worse, this is the first story I ever wrote. It's a little fun and has some snappy dialogue. It also comes off as a kind of 'Twilight Zone" episode now that I read it again. It's about aliens coming to Earth and making us clean it up, whether we liked it or not!

I wanted to talk about how people used to have fun before there were TVs and DVDs. That art seems lost now, and I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing.





Spring Cleaning

By Jon St. Ives

I’d always meant to get around to buying a gun, but now it was too late. Leeann came running into the living room. Her face was flushed and she had that darting, fire-in-the-eyes look that she usually only got when the water heater had exploded. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but Leeann was a levelheaded girl and never got this upset unless something serious was happening. The last time I had seen her this upset, our previous cat had been put to sleep while I was at work.

“Aliens have landed! They’re everywhere! What’re we going to do?” She said, with a very feminine hand-clasped gesture over her heart.

Now, when someone says something that off-the-wall, there are really only two answers you can give. The first one is the obvious, “Yeah right, and their leader is Michael Jackson.” But I had long since learned not to be flippant around Leeann if I didn’t want to eat frozen pizza for a week. So that only left the option of taking her seriously, although I still wondered what was really going on.

“Calm down, they haven’t nuked anything yet have they?” I asked.

“No, but there’s been fighting all over town! Kathy called me on the cell phone, they‘re on her street too!” She replied and as if to punctuate her point, I heard two sharp reports from outside the house that I instantly recognized as gunfire.

A wave of fear washed over me. Adrenaline poured into my bloodstream and I felt shaky all over. Suddenly, with the sound of that gunfire, I realized that it was entirely possible that something dangerous was actually happening.

“Did you lock the door behind you? “ I asked. She replied that she had, I tried to think of what I could do to keep us safe, but I didn’t have enough information on what was actually going. I sent her to the bedroom with a butcher knife and she rounded up the cat as she went.

I peeked out through the living room curtains into the street outside. It was a dead-end street, in a small mountain town in the remote foothills of the mountains. It was three hundred miles in any direction to a big city. Neither twisters, Earthquakes, tidal waves, terrorists, nor volcanoes had ever come as close as a thousand miles to our home. We’d gotten used to the fact that we were completely secure in our isolation.

That comfortable feeling evaporated like glass cleaner on a hot summer window as I saw the massive vehicle that was moving slowly up our street. It was all chrome plated and shiny and although it looked much like a tank, although I couldn’t see any wheels or treads underneath it. Antennae and unmistakable gun barrels poked out from all sides and the machine must have stood at least two stories off the ground. Yet for all its size, it barely made any noise at all as it glided slowly up the street.

It came to a halt in front of my house, stood motionless for a moment, and then the side of the machine opened and a number of occupants came out and fell smartly into formation. They were wearing something similar black wetsuits and had helmets covering their heads. In addition, they all shimmered slightly, as if heat were coming off their bodies.

One of them walked out and lifted off his helmet. He looked just like a man. He had a square jaw, and blonde hair. His features were somewhat Nordic and he had a short blonde beard. I breathed a sigh of relief. This was no otherworldly menace; this was just some guy from the military showing off a new gadget or maybe some kind of reality-television stunt. Still, I had heard gunfire, so I watched carefully to see what would happen next.

The leader adjusted a headset and then spoke calmly into it. His voice was deep and assuring, the sound seemed to come from within the room with me.

“Good afternoon. I am the section leader for the task force assigned to your street. Additional units are in every street of your town, and all the cities of your world. Please come out of your houses so that I may speak to you. Please do not resist or take aggressive action towards us, we have come to help you, but we cannot tolerate violence.”

The size of the force he alluded to boggled my imagination, but looking at the vehicle they arrived in, I was beginning to wonder if it could possibly be true. The man went on.

“Mr. And Mrs. Brogan, please come out. Also Mr. and Mrs. St. John. You are the leaders of this neighborhood and if you will please come out, I’m sure everyone else will feel safe enough to come out too.”

I was startled to hear my name. Leeann had heard it too, and she came running in from the bedroom, holding the butcher knife out in front of her. Even our cat was picking up on the emotion and sat under the table with its ears laid back.

“Did you hear that?” She whispered. “They know our names!”

“I heard him! Be careful with that!” The butcher knife was getting uncomfortably close to my side.

“This has to be some kind of joke.” I told her. “I’ll go out and see what’s up, you stay here and if anything bad happens, run out the back and head cross country to your brother’s house.” Although I still had my doubts, I always think in worst-case scenario mode. If this were a joke, then fine and dandy and I’d be a good sport and maybe get a prize from the producers. If it wasn’t a joke, Leeann’s brother was a paranoid gun-fanatic who had a house like a military compound and more firepower than our local National Guard Unit.

I gave Leeann a quick reassuring hug, and straightening up my back, I opened the door and strolled slowly outside, mimicking a calm reserve that I certainly wasn’t feeling. Next door, I saw Jim Brogan doing the same. Jim and I were both ex-military and best friends. He had been a communications expert with the NSA and I had been an instructor pilot for the Air Force.

I stopped and looked at the gleaming tank for a moment, and then turned to my right and walked slowly over to Jim’s yard, purposely ignoring the tank and it’s crew. I wasn’t sure what was up, but I knew I wanted Jim by my side before I faced it.

I walked up to Jim and shook his hand.

“Friends of yours, Jim?”

“I kind of thought they were your friends, since they obviously have money, Rick.”

“ Nope, never saw them before. Maybe it’s some of my ex-students back for revenge for flunking them.”

‘Well if it is, just back down, Rick. I don’t like the look of that vehicle of theirs.” Jim gestured offhandedly towards the hulking metal behemoth.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Let’s go see what they want.”

Jim and I walked slowly and casually towards the mirror-finished mass. The leader stood quietly, with a smile on his face and his hands at his sides.

“You still got that little pistol your wife gave you Jim?” I asked under my breath as we slowly closed the distance to the tank.

“Yep. It’s right here under my shirt.” he replied softly.

“Good.” I had noticed that all the soldiers standing at attention were carrying long, thin black sticks that resembled a blind man’s cane. The way they were holding them left no doubt that they were weapons.

“But let’s talk first. If worst comes to worst, shoot the leader, then the guys on the left, I’ll try for the guys on the right.” I was seriously hoping that it wouldn’t come to that since not only was I not armed, all of the men looked younger and more fit than I. I still knew some nasty tricks from my Air Force training, but it had been years since I’d had to use them.

We approached the leader side by side and stopped about three feet in front of him. He smiled jovially and said, “Good Morning, gentlemen! I am very pleased to finally meet you.” He held out his hand, but neither of us made any move to shake it.

“Ah, no formalities then? As I expected. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Ansjk of the Tracarian Fleet. To answer your first questions, I can speak your language because I have been studying you and your culture for over a century while we traveled here. Our scouts prepared remarkably detailed reports for each unit. I know every person on your street and their occupations and personalities.”



Truthfully, that was more than I knew. I knew Jim and his wife, and Old Harold, who lived across the street, but lots of families had moved out and new ones had moved in all up and down the street. I hadn’t kept track of them all. I glanced at Jim. He was regarding the Captain with a hard-set expression. He caught me looking at him and raised one eyebrow.

“To answer you next question, “What am I doing here?” It is simply this: I am here to clean your planet and to do this I must enlist your help.”

The Captain stopped talking and let that idea sink in for a minute. When nobody spoke for a protracted pause, I finally spoke up.

“You forgot about questions number three and four.” I said evenly. “Question three, how do you expect us to believe you’re from another planet when you are so obviously human and four, even if I believed you, what makes you think I’d help you out?”

“Those are both excellent questions, Mr. St. John and I can see why the scouts picked you as the contact on this street. As to the form you now see, I’m afraid it isn’t real. I am projecting this image to your brain and you are accepting it easily, since it is the form you expect to see. My true form is not so very different from this projected one. It, too, is carbon based and bipedal, but I’m afraid you would find it too startling and it would make communication much more difficult for us.” Captain Ansjk grinned broadly as if he was viewing the possible reactions to his true form in his mind’s eye.

“And as for helping us, of course I know you care about the planet you live on. You were raised in the mountains and spent a lot of time hiking and camping when you were younger, yet you no longer do any of that kind of thing. I suggest that it is because of the pollution and destruction of the land that you have withdrawn to your living room. I am here to solve that problem for your entire race and all of you will help me accomplish this.”

That statement took me slightly aback, since it implied knowledge of my personal history. Yet it was completely true. I had been more and more disgusted and disillusioned, as I had grown older and seen once beautiful vistas turned into illegal dumping sites. Proud canyon walls bore the scars of graffiti and even my quiet little neighborhood had taken on a trashy appearance due to the newcomers who had no respect for others and didn’t care for their surroundings.

“That may be true, but it’s a pretty bold statement to say that everyone will help you. Besides the fact that most of us don’t seem to care about nature,” I replied bitterly, and we care even less for hard work on another’s behalf.”

“I second that motion. I have enough to do without busting my gut after work on some otherworldly clean-up squad.” Jim chimed in.

“All non essential services will be suspended for the duration of our clean-up.” the Captain replied still smiling widely. “Only workers with jobs that are necessary to continue civilization and emergency services will continue to work. All others will be involved with the operation.”

I didn’t like the sound of that. It brought up images of forced labor and concentration camps to my mind. But before I could protest, Old Harold came running out of his house from across the street, yelling something I couldn‘t make out. Harold was a very old veteran and apparently this incident had triggered something in the dim corners of his mind.

I could see he was carrying something and in an instant I recognized it as a shotgun. He leveled it at the Captain as he advanced. His voice was strident and full of hate as he called out, “ I know you! You’ve come back for me, eh? I left you in the jungles, but here you are, back with a shiny new machine! Well here I am! Come and get me!”

Before anyone could react, he let loose with both barrels. I dove to the ground, as buckshot zipped by my ear so close it ruffled my hair. Jim did the same, but the Captain merely smiled sadly and stood his ground. I couldn’t believe that Harold had missed him from that range. Harold reloaded and came on again, as he fired the second time I watched to see that the shot seemed to stop just short of the Captain’s body and fall harmlessly to the ground. That solved the mystery of the heat distortions. A force screen surrounded the Captain.

“I’m terribly sorry to have to do this, Mr. Johnson.” He motioned to one of his men who stepped forward and sighted along the black cane at poor Harold. A thin yellow beam reached out, and lightly touched Harold. There was a flash of light and a small rushing sound of air, and then nothing. Harold was gone as if he’d never existed.

Then the soldier turned his weapon on Harold’s house, where I knew his wife was lying in bed, an invalid. In a second… the house was gone! Not just the house I noticed. Every single man-made thing on Harold’s lot was missing. No sidewalks, no patio, no foundation, not even the sprinklers in the yard remained. Nothing was left but a bare dirt lot with a small patch of grass.

“Murderer!” I yelled and turned to spring at the Captain. I saw that Jim already had his gun out and was aiming at the Captains’ head.

“That was very unfortunate,” the Captain stated in a matter of fact way. “Yet our research suggested that something like this might be necessary due to your level of development. Now, I dearly hope you have understood the lesson here. We control forces far beyond your science’s capabilities. If you cooperate, you have my word we will never use them again. If you do not, we will carry on without you. I suggest everyone go back to their houses and get some rest. We will start at 7:00 tomorrow morning.”

He then turned and strolled up the ramp, which closed behind him. I looked at Jim with my jaw wide open. He just shrugged his shoulders and put the gun down at his side.

I spent the night trying to calm down both the cat and Leeann. I finally passed out from sheer exhaustion at midnight. The next morning I cleaned up and walked outside. Leann and Jim were already there, milling about with a group of our neighbors. From the rise of our street I could see other tanks on other streets with similar groups of people surrounding them.

“Good morning everyone.” The Captain came down the ramp cheerily. “I hope you are all rested. We will try very hard not to overtax anyone’s abilities. Please tell me if you need a rest break. I have designated Mr. St. John as your group’s leader. If you are afraid to speak to me, please give any concerns to him so that he may relay them. My men will be following us with water and food. Feel free at any time to help yourself. As you can see, our forces are already hard at work cleaning your atmosphere.”

I looked up to see three huge craft drifting through the sky. Each was the size of a small battleship and the yellow beams fanned out around them, sweeping back and forth. The air in our county, badly polluted by the local power plant, was looking better already. It smelled like fresh rain outside.

I approached Jim and asked, “Got any ideas on how to play this today?”

“Right now my tactics are just observation and reconnaissance,” he said, “but bringing food is a point in their favor!” He grinned, but then got serious. “I don’t trust these guys, Rick. It’s obvious to me that they aren’t all they say they are. They vaporized Harold and they admit that even their appearance is a lie. For now, let’s play it by ear.” I agreed with him, there was something very wrong about strangers that show up and force you to clean up after yourself.

“We will begin today by cleaning up the neighborhood you live in. We will start at the East end of the street and work our way West. As we come to your individual residences, please fell free to use the wands to clean out the inside of any old personal possessions, we will not be entering in order to respect your privacy, but you may want to use the power of the wands to do a little Spring cleaning for yourselves. The wand will remove any trash, as well as any dirt, grime, or chemicals from any surface”

I looked around and saw some smiles and surprised expressions on the faces of the women. Apparently the ultimate cleaning solution appealed to them.

The wands worked exactly as described. When they were pointed at a pile of trash, the beam licked out and the trash disappeared. Somehow the beam did not touch anything living such as plants, nor did it vaporize inanimate objects such as rocks. It seemed to have an almost intelligent filter built in.

Our group moved fairly slowly due to the fact that the older people in our group requested frequent rest breaks. Captain Ansjk granted these breaks happily and conversed with people easily during them. He made no effort to conceal any information whatsoever from the people he talked to, answering questions about his ship, his voyage and his home world quite readily. He was personable and friendly, charming even. His syntax and pronunciation were perfect, as were the human mannerisms he was affecting. It was difficult to remember that he had vaporized a human being the day before and Rick found himself almost entranced by the Captain.

When someone asked him why they were doing this, he replied “We do this on many worlds. There comes a time in the civilization of a planet when the level of technology reaches a state where it has not progressed enough to be pure and nature friendly, but has progressed enough to destroy the ecosystem. We faced a similar time on our world, many millennia ago. Now we go around the galaxy helping civilizations over that crisis. Cleaning and repairing their planet enough to give them time to reach the other side where the technology will be clean and efficient. We see it as a sort of mission, a debt owed to the galaxy at large. Our calling if you will. Of course“, he chuckled, “not all societies are ready to clean up, so just as you will force a younger person to bathe, we enforce the clean-up process at the right moment in time.”



All day long we cleaned and vaporized trash in yards and the street. The Captain’s men were very pleasant and were constantly working to bring cold water, or a shade and a chair to anyone who seemed even the least bit tired.

At the end of the day, the Captain announced. “We’ve made splendid progress today. I am very pleased and proud of each of you. This operation is progressing at a pace faster than we had hoped. I will see each of you tomorrow; in the meantime, I must tell you that I have disabled your cars and phones for the duration of this operation. We have found that it tends to help you focus on your own part in this plan and not worry about others.”

“But what about groceries?” One woman cried out. “And my daughter in Maine, how will I call her?” asked another.

“Don’t worry”, The Captain replied, “We will relay any critical information and in the meantime I think you will find that you may actually enjoy being released from the stress of your society for a while. You are still free to move about the town under your own power, of course. You are not slaves after all.”

I was really beginning to wonder about that last part. When I went inside I found I was exhausted, but wide-awake. I went over to the television to see if I could get some information on what was going on in the rest of the world. The TV came on, but there was nothing but static on the screen. “Of course, I thought, “television workers are not critical, so they must have been out all day with the rest of us.” Oh well, nothing too worry about since I had an extensive collection of movies. I put a movie in the player and waited. Nothing happened. I began to panic, I checked the wires, and then I realized that everything was being jammed somehow. I turned on the radio to test my theory. Again, nothing but static. Even music discs would not play. “Now what’s the point of that?” I wondered. Entertainment costs them nothing.

Leeann came in as I sat dejectedly in a chair. I explained the problem to her. She seemed much less worried about the situation than I was. “We can always go over to the Brogan’s and play cards tonight.” She offered. Since I was wide-awake and the lights were still on at the Brogan’s I reluctantly agreed. It turned out I had a petty good time that night. Jim had stocked up on wine over the years and had an excellent cellar. “I guess now’s as good a time as any to break it out, Jim had said. So we all had a wonderful evening full of speculation and conversation.

The next morning I awoke pleasantly refreshed. I felt stronger and more relaxed than I had in a long time. I usually had about a million things in my mind like the house payment, my next dental appointment, the cable bill, the lawn sprinklers, the dates of future oil changes for each of the cars, etc., etc. Now, though, I realized I hadn’t thought about any of those things in two days.

Leeann, too, was in a cheerful mood. “ Just look at the nice tan I got yesterday!” she said admiring herself in the mirror. “And we get to go back out again today!”



And so the clean-up process progressed. Old junk cars disappeared from driveways; alleys were cleared of clutter instantly. Even our homes looked better, since the wand would remove all kinds of messes such as scaly shower build up or floor wax build up. The Aliens were working with other devices that destroyed weeds and cleared underbrush. They would even trim your trees if you asked them to. It took only minutes and there was no mess afterwards. I actually breathed a sigh of relief after having them do it for my house. I’d been wondering if I was still young enough to climb up there with a chainsaw, but now there was no need.

After we had cleaned the block, we began to work on the surrounding areas of the country. They trucked us out to the assigned areas in large comfortable transports with every amenity possible included. Young people shouted and ran among the trees randomly zapping smaller pieces of trash, while the patient older people swept along the ground in a line leaving nothing but untouched nature behind them.

There was something very rewarding about arriving at a destination and finding it a sewer of garbage and old appliances, and leaving it at the end of the day pristine and spotless. We saw many other crews at work while we walked through the forests. The Aliens included even the wheelchair-bound. They had floating chairs that cruised slowly over the ground allowing the user to sit comfortably while cleaning.

“I’ve lost 15 pounds this month!” I told Leeann one day as I strolled into the kitchen. “I’ve lost weight too!” She grinned and struck a modeling pose. I hugged her and asked, “What are we doing tonight?”

“There’s a barbeque and a play down at the park, let’s ride our bikes down there, OK? After that Michael has invited us to his house for a recital.” I reflected on how much things had change in just the few short months since the Aliens came. People were fitter, happier, and much more social. Every day trucks from the Aliens rolled down each street, although the stores had been closed, just about anything you needed could be had for free from these trucks. I noticed that things like ice cream, sweets, and other foods that were bad for people were noticeably absent however, but people had already found ways to get around that. Tim Wilkerson was making bootleg ice cream by hand in his back yard every day.

Captain Ansjk had reported to us that the atmosphere was completely clean now, and that most of the surface land was also clean including the areas around some of the worst industrial and chemical spills on the planet. Even radioactive areas had been cleaned of all radiation. He reported that the oceans of the entire planet would be cleaned within a month. At that time, he told us, he and all his kind would leave.

“It’ll be kind of sad to see them go, don’t you think?” Leeann asked me as we rode our bikes along the beautiful streets of our neighborhood at dusk. “Everything is so nice now, there’s no worries at all.” I wondered how peaceful poor old Harold was feeling now, but I knew what she meant. We both felt the amazing peace that the absence of social stress had brought. No bills had been paid for months, I hadn’t had to fix any appliances, nobody had died in any car wrecks, and most of all, I hadn’t watched a single news program in all that time. I began to think about how all that negative information had weighed on my soul in the old days.

The Aliens assured us that everything was progressing in a similar way all over the world. Without the ability to contact others, and with plenty of productive things to do, old enemies had completely forgotten their differences. Captain Ansjk informed us that to the lesser countries of the world, the impact had even been greater. With food no longer a problem, the people had worked to improve their living conditions. The Aliens dug wells, tilled fields, planted crops, and built hospitals for those that needed them. It was becoming a golden age for mankind.

Our days were now spent in productive activity and our nights were spent socializing with an ever-widening group of friends. Things must have been much like this at the turn of the 19th century. We waved to some of our new friends who were strolling along the street, walking their dogs. Crime was now unheard of, since the penalty for any crime was instant vaporization. The Aliens were remorseful and sad when they had to do this, but they did it anyway with a ruthless speed and efficiency that revealed their inhumanity for a time. Anyone could walk the streets at any time now and feel completely safe. Unfortunately, The next day I had my accident.

I was vaporizing the last of an abandoned automobile wrecking yard with Jim. I was tired and I tripped as I was walking towards a wrecked car. I fell directly on an old car battery that had been stripped out and was awaiting pickup. I remember feeling the wand break under my weight as I fell, and I heard a sizzling noise, then suddenly instead of lying on the dusty ground as I had expected. I was lying on a smooth cool metallic surface. A tone sounded off somewhere and I heard someone say, “Traveler on the pad, clearing group go!”

Three Aliens rushed over to me and rolled me over gently onto my back. “Sir? Are you OK? Are you hurt anywhere sir?” I told him I felt Ok, although I felt a little twitchy and I had that “falling asleep” feeling all over my body. The Alien that had spoken first told me, “Don’t worry about that buzzing feeling, it’ll go away in a second.”

“Where am I?” I asked looking around. The size of the room I was in was vast. Above me the ceiling was so high it was difficult to see any detail. The sides of the room were also lost in the distance. Quick, darting robots were sorting mountains of materials. Heavy equipment I’d expect to see at a mining operation was rolling slowly past. I was standing in the middle of a football field-sized grid, with huge glowing towers at each corner. Rings of colored light in bright primary colors were traveling up and down the towers crossing and recrossing each other.

The Aliens dusted me off and apologized profusely. “I’m extremely sorry sir, apparently your wand sent you here by accident. It has never happened before in over 2000 years of use and you can be sure we are looking into it right now. We’ve contacted your group commander, Captain Ansjk, and he’s on his way here right now. In the meantime, would you please board this transport so that our medics can look after you?”

A small cylinder the size of a passenger car floated up nearby. No one was driving it. The entire top was clear glass. They helped me in and fastened seatbelts around me. One of the other Aliens came up to speak with me. I still hadn’t quite got over the weird feeling of talking to a person with a helmet on that reflected all light. Captain Ansjk was the only Alien I had ever seen take off their helmet. “Please don’t be alarmed by the lack of a driver in this vehicle, sir. It is computer-controlled. It will take you directly to the hospital.” With that, he closed the door and the transport drifted away gathering speed.

I looked back at the small crew. They were returning to their positions at the edges of the grid. There was something wrong with them though. Their outlines were hazy and was I seeing an extra set of arms? Then they were gone and I turned back to take in the amazing vistas that were flowing by me on both sides.

I passed a pile of electronic equipment the size of a large building. My eye could pick out old Nintendo units mixed with large screen televisions. Robots of various sizes were rapidly sorting through the pile rushing and off to distant locations. Off to the left a bit was an island-sized mountain of plastic.

Reception pads like the one I had come in on dotted the awe-inspiring landscape. Like photographers flashbulbs the pads were receiving new materials by the second. Massive machines scooped and ploughed the stuff off the pads as fast as it could materialize. Monstrous tankers drifted slowly by with clear tanks of differently colored liquids.

The flashing, massive, dimly lit scene reminded me of the atmosphere of “Dante’s Inferno,” and for a second I questioned my sanity. Of course that feeling was fleeting as the transport suddenly picked up speed and I was thrown back into the chair.

The shuttle began to rush forward at an alarming rate. We were traveling in a straight line and other transports like mine were pacing and passing me. I was startled to see a pair of eyes staring at me from another car. The body was a strange mess of red bulges and tentacles.

Finally after several minutes, the car began to slow and then pulled into a dock of sorts. I climbed shakily out of the interior to be greeted by a smiling Captain Ansjk.

“Mr. St. John! I’m so sorry for the unfortunate accident which landed you here.” He gestured towards the vast landscape. “Nothing like this has happened in centuries, and our people are already taking the necessary precautions to insure that this malfunction never happens again.”

“Of course now that you are here, there’s no harm in giving you a tour.” He chuckled in a friendly way, crossing his arms across his chest. “After these doctors look you over, I’ll be back to pick you up.” He said, helping me to steady myself. “You’ll be in good hands with these guys, they’ve been waiting a hundred years for a real patient.” This time he laughed out loud. Somehow I didn’t feel very reassured.

Surprisingly, the doctors were very gentle and kind. They tried to load me into a stretcher, then when I resisted like a cat about to be thrown into a bathtub, they decided a hovering version of a wheelchair was fine by them. I was ready to bolt at the first sight of any invasion machinery, but they merely placed me in front of a beam of red light and a few seconds later I felt a tiny pressure on my back. I spun around, but a tiny arm was already retracting into the wall.

I rubbed my back. There was a bee sting-sized bump on my back. Then, a wonderful feeling began to spread through my body. I felt great all over. I lifted my arm to see the scar I had gotten from a box cutter in my youth was rapidly disappearing.

The captain walked in and spread his hands, “see?” He said, with his ever-present smile. “These guys have been studying your physiology for a century and they are just beside themselves that they actually got the chance to try out all their knowledge on an actual subject.”



“Just what have they done to me?” I asked, actually not quite wanting to hear the answer. “Nothing harmful, of course!” The Captain chuckled with his hands on his hips. “They merely introduced some tiny machines into your bloodstream. Those machines are programmed to travel throughout your body matching every cell against your own genetic blueprint. They find any damage or flaws of any kind and correct them. You are now in as good a shape as you have ever been in your life. Basically, they have repaired all the damage you’ve incurred since you were twenty. I think you’ll

feel much better now, yes?”

Better didn’t even begin to describe it. Any older person’s body is full of aches and pains that normally don’t register much. The mind learns to ignore them after a while. But I couldn’t feel any kind of pain at all. I felt like running the four-minute mile in three minutes.

“Yes thanks, I feel much better. Now, would you mind explaining exactly what’s going on here?” I asked, more than just a little frustrated.



“That will be my pleasure!” The Captain was positively beaming. “Please climb in and I’ll give you the grand tour!”

We climbed into a shuttle, the same one or a new one it was impossible to tell. The Captain spoke some words I didn’t understand and the shuttle glided off.

“As you might have guessed by now, those beams we gave you do not disintegrate trash…they teleport it. When it disappears from your world, it reappears here.”

“My brain lit up like the local stadium at night. Suddenly all the pieces came together. The forced clean up, the overly kind demeanor, the extra care given to collect all the unwanted items.

“So…” I glared at the Captain with all the practiced narrow-eyed, Clint-Eastwood glare I could muster, “You aren’t intergalactic maids after all. You’re nothing but common thieves and conmen.”

“The Captain puffed with pride. “Hardly common! Your race just handed over untold wealth in raw materials, pre-synthesized chemicals, and recyclable treasure. All willingly, and without the slightest destruction of your planet. We have dozens of systems that we travel to on a regular basis and each is at your stage of development. They appreciate the clean up and we appreciate the donation of goods. It seems an even trade to us. Certainly you didn’t really think all that we did was for free, did you?”

I pondered for a minute. I remembered how much life had improved on Earth, how clean and fresh the air and water was. It was true…they had performed a valuable service. “Couldn’t you have just stated your intentions and been open and honest about it?”

“Oh no!” replied the Captain. “Your people are good businessmen. They would have easily seen that the immense value of the treasure far exceeded the service we provided. It was much easier for us to do it this way.”

We were passing huge fields of plastics that were being sorted at an amazing rate by robots. Overhead, a giant tanker full of a green liquid slowly floated past. The Captain followed my gaze.

“And you have to admit, we do a good job. What you are looking at is all the radioactive waste in your oceans. You could never in a thousand years have recovered all of it, but we have already gathered and refined it. It will serve us well to power our ship to our next destination.”

“You’re leaving?” I asked.

“Yes”, the Captain replied simply. “We are departing today. We have everything we came for. By tonight we will be gone and everything will return to normal.”

“What will happen to Earth?” I asked, suddenly not wanting to return to the way things had been. “Normal” had an ugly ring to it now.

“You are still a very young civilization, and we have taken great care to make sure that we have not given you any technology or done anything to interrupt your progress. Someday, thousands of years from now, your technology will equal ours and then we will begin a new phase in our relationship. In the meantime, your people will slowly go back to the same place you were in your development when we came.

Suddenly, the Captain reminded me much more of the bully who had stolen my lunch money in middle school.

“So the con game’s over and we’ll return to pollution, waste, stress, and the hassle of our civilization?” I asked feeling a little dejected. The Captain’s race was more like ours than I cared to admit.

The shuttle pulled up to a teleportation grid.

“Yes.” said the Captain and gave me a stout thump on the back. “But don’t worry, we’ve put you on our route! Now that you’re on our list, we will return at regular intervals to help you clean up again. For our usual compensation, of course!” and at this he could no longer contain himself and laughed heartily.

As I stepped to the middle of the transporter and the edges of the Captain began to grow fuzzy I realized…I had forgotten to ask the most important question…what day is Trash Day?”