Lemon wrote a ghost story

[lemon_and_mint]

Some critisism please...........

(I scared myself while I was writing this!)







A Derelict Building

“and as you can see, it is in a prominent position to one end of the shopping centre, when it was a supermarket, daily footfall was estimated at......” The estate agent droned on, rather pointlessly thought Jason. What was the point of standing outside the building when he wanted to go in and see what it looked like stripped of the shop fittings? He had big ideas for this building, but he needed to be sure of what he had planned .

The estate agent had apologised for the key to the building being temporarily lost, although, curiously, Jason could have sworn he explained this with a look of relief. Surely the man wasn't scared of going into an empty building, with just Jason for company? Jason smiled and thanked him, although he had no idea what the man had just said. ”I'll think about it and come back to you”, he said, shaking his hand.

After the estate agent left, Jason walked round the building, frustrated, unable to see much inside through the dusty windows. He wasn't going to agree to buy it without seeing the inside, but he knew that he had competitors who would put in a bid on the building sight unseen. He didn't have very long in which to make up his mind on making an offer.

Three o'clock the next morning saw Jason standing at the back of the building, where it was sheltered from the road. There was no one about. The street was silent and the darkness complete. Jason gripped his torch and turned his collar up. With one last furtive look round, he smashed a few small side windows with his torch and broke the flimsy frames until there was room for him to climb inside.

Telling himself he was going to buy the building anyway and so he was only really trespassing on his own property, he advanced towards the main floor area, keeping his hand over the torch so that the beam did not alert anyone outside. He would just check that the measurements were as he thought, then leave. He considered how he would refurbish the building, what sort of budget he would need, and how long this would take.

He was considering how many staff members he would need, when he realised that he should have not only reached the main floor area, but have reached the far wall by now. He shone his torch around to find to his amazement that there were many, many people sitting around doing nothing. Just sitting there, quietly, in the dark, in a space which was somehow much bigger than it should be.

And now he realised how cold it was in here, his denim jacket provided very little warmth. Nervously, Jason approached the nearest person, a middle-aged lady wearing a supermarket apron. ”What are you doing here?” he asked her. She raised her tear stained face, and told him, “I work here, I got trapped in the stockroom and the shop must have closed without me”.

Jason lowered his eyes, thinking it couldn't possibly be the same woman, there had been reports of a supermarket worker missing at the end of the 1990's, how could she still be here?” How could he tell her that the supermarket had not only shut its doors permanently, but it was now eight years later? “And these other people?” She looked at him in horror.”I have asked them. They have all at some time been trapped in the building, alone. We were always warned never to be in the building with less than five of us present at a time, I just thought it was an urban legend”.

Spinning round, Jason saw, flickering in the torchlight, a girl in 18th Century dress, a man in second world war uniform, and others in clothes whose age he could only guess. All staring at him, bleakly. Jason went to the young lady, and shook her by the arm. “How did you get here?”. She answered him slowly, hopelessly, “I came into this barn to take an apple one evening, and I've been here ever since”. Barn...........how long has it been since a barn stood in this spot?, thought Jason.........”which year?”.”Seventeen twenty......” she began, but was drowned out by a multitude of voices all replying at once, “Nineteen eleven”, “eighteen forty six”, Jason thought he heard “thirteen fifty one” from somewhere at the back.

For how many centuries had some of these people been trapped here?The hall extended way beyond the reach of the torch beam, and there were faint voices from back there as well. Panicking, and almost falling, Jason ran back the way he had come, to run almost immediately into a wall, then ran in another direction, straight into another wall in close proximity. “There can't be so many walls in such a huge space, it's impossible, there must be an exit”, he cried. The torch beam, however, told a different story.



While outside, the next day, a prospective buyer was noting the broken side window. That might come in useful later, he thought, since the estate agent appeared to have forgotten the keys.

[theia]

That is truly spooky, Lemon. Makes me feel quite uncomfortable. Sounds like one of those scary nightmares from which you are really relieved to wake up. Did the idea originate with a dream?

[lemon_and_mint]

I think that is the scariest thing I have ever written actually.

Now I think about it, perhaps it isn't really a ghost story since there are no ghosts.

The idea originated when a huge supermarket in town shut down and was left empty for a while, and everyone was discussing what it would be turned into, i started to imagine what was inside without the food freezers and shelves.



edit for american readers, torch should read flashlight.

[Chezzie]

Im so sorry Lemon, I like you an all but Im such a scardey cat, I cant read it......I cant bear too incase it gives me the eeejeebs, but im sure your writing skills are excellent, didnt want you to think I was ignoring your fine work hun:-6

Can you do soppy????:wah::wah:

[lemon_and_mint]

hello chezzie.

aw it wasnt so frightening, really.

I'm not sure about soppy, never tried it - i'd be worried it might come out sarcastic!!!:wah:

Actually i was hoping for some critisism for my writing, whether people liked it or now, or how i could change my style to make it better.

[Pheasy]

That was creepy Lemon - I enjoyed it :-6