I hope I see you soon.

[KB.]

"How tedious is a guilty conscience!"

~John Webster





You looked tired.



I got there early. I wanted to watch you walk in. I noticed the first thing you did was look around the court room. Searching. No one was there that knew who you were, except me. You don't know me. You looked over and your gaze stopped for a moment like you might recognize me from somewhere. Your gaze didn't linger for long, less than a second. My eyes stayed on you for years. I watched as you looked for someone, anyone. Every time the door opened you glanced over. The crowd was thin. Finally the door opened and some poor girl I didn't know walked in and I saw you look in her direction with a sense of recognition.



You looked tired.



You looked like you were trying just a little too damn hard to be tough. That thug **** ain't working out is it? Son you have no idea what you have got yourself into to. If I had been ignorant of your crime, if I didn't know the person that crime was committed against, or if I had been there for my own crime, I might have felt sorry for you. Ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is a burden. I know.



That false bravado is not fooling me. You looked like some little kid, like maybe you had stolen a pack of baseball cards. Like a boy. Not a man by any means. I know what you did, and I can not wait to find out where you end up. Bars, the sliding kind, loud clang as they close. I pray you hear that noise. If you don't then I will. When I do find out where you end up, and believe me I will be there when the verdict is passed. I will haunt you. I have been running from ghosts for years. If you can't beat em, join em. It is time for me to be the thing that goes bump in the night for a change. When that location is announced I will find out who I know that also resides there, and do not doubt I will either know of someone or some one I know will know of someone that does. They will owe me a favor, most everybody does. If they don't then they will be some one who says, "KB was always cool with me."



I'll make sure you are well taken care of. You won't get lonely. They are gong to eat you alive son. Swallow you whole. You think you are tired now.



I know what you did; you ought to try that hateful **** on a grown ass man. Boy. My hands and arms ached when I saw you. My knuckles were screaming at me to let them bleed. Four cops and a bailiff, thirty feet, four other men in chains. That isn't what stopped me though. The last decade of caging that desire is what stopped me. God and undoubtedly the prayers of a few good women is what stopped me.



I heard that tremble in your voice as you asked for the bond to be lowered. I heard the desperation when the judge said, "We aren't going to do that today. We will handle it on the 8th." Fifty thousand dollars? You are lucky it wasn't thirty or I would have bailed you out myself. I loved the sound of tears creeping into your pleas. I could survive for another three decades on that alone. Cry, boy. Weep loud so I can smile. That is what I was thinking, but you didn't do it. You were close. I heard that quiver, the fear. Jail isn't so bad boy. I've been there a few times. You'll be alright. Someone will take care of you and treat you like a queen. The debt is always collected. We'll take our pound of flesh.



That Assistant District Attorney, oh son, you should have seen the look in his eyes when we talked outside of the courtroom. I've seen that look before. I saw it in the rear view mirror on my way to court this morning. I felt at ease knowing he was working the case. I don't know him, have never met him, and we didn't talk much, but that look assured me he wants blood.



When the judge announced the crimes you were accused of, innocent until proven guilty, you looked bored at the first accusation, like they were nothing new, just the usual. When he announced the second accusation and used the proper "medical" terminology you got this little **** eating grin on your face. You know you are going to end up swallowing half of those teeth, right? One way or another. I'm going to buy myself a pair of nice hard toed boots tomorrow, something with a good strong heel on them to match the toe. Just in case.



He announced that second accusation and you grinned, you shook your head, but not in a way an innocent man shakes his head in defense or even the way a guilty man shakes his head in denial. You shook it like you were shrugging off something that didn't even matter. No big deal. You mother ****er. If you only knew how close you were when you shook that hollow head of yours like it was no big deal. You almost got repossessed.



I some how imagined you would have a deeper, stronger voice. I almost laughed when I heard you speak. Get some bass in your tone boy. You are going to make someone a good woman. Hope you enjoy it. I'm smiling thinking about it and I'm smiling at the fact that I don't feel bad for smiling. I hope you are a bleeder. I bet you are. You look it.



Damn you have just turned me nasty again. I knew it was sitting right there, crouched down just out of my periphery, waiting to jump into the light. My head isn't hurting anymore now, but my stomach is a mess. My hands have been shaking since about a quarter to eleven last night. They won't stop. I've managed to inhale half of North Carolina's tobacco crop in that span of time as well. My heart aches, it feels like it is going to bust right through my chest and elope with what little is left of my sanity. I've got a burning fever in my soul.



I hope I see you soon.



KB



"Got on my dead man's suit and my smilin' skull ring

My lucky graveyard boots and song to sing

I got a song to sing, keep me out of the cold

And I'll meet you further on up the road."

~Johnny Cash – Further On Up the Road