Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

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wordwaymike
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:49 am

Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

Post by wordwaymike »

A friend of mine asked me to come over to his house this Saturday, around noon. He was going to be in his full on "Bar-b-Que" mode and he wanted me to be there specifically.

Because he has been aware for years that I have never met a grilled steak, slab, shank, flank, hunk, chunk, slice, cut, leg, roast, rib, breast, or thigh that could be found on any kind of critter that didn't set my gastrointestinal juices to rumbling like the Bloods and the Crips over a crack deal gone bad.

I told him that he could count on me to "hold my own" when it got down to grabbing growling, chomping and chewing, on the wide variety of meats, and tasty meat by-products that he was threatening to unleash.

On the mostly unsuspecting digestive tracts of his blood relations and low rent buddies.

I'm not bragging, but I have been diagnosed as being an incurable "meat-a-holic."

And I love beer! What's even better is; "Beer loves me."

The fact is; "Beer loves me so much, that I never pick up beer. Beer picks me up. (It's the liquor picker upper!)

I can be moseying, or meandering my way down the highway, road, or goat path of life and all of a sudden, my forward progress is blocked by some vivaciously friendly Saint Paulie Girl.

She's holding one of those Oktoberfest 256 ounce pitchers, full of the kind of beer than goes down as smooth as honeydew vine water.

And if you chug the whole pitcher at once, (and who the hell wouldn't?) it comes back up as sweet and as smooth as it went down.

Now that's beer!

I never refuse. I mean Sweet Jesus in a nudie bar! How could I?

You've seen her, I'm sure. Leaning over to pour you a taste.

Filling up some "Stein-o-saurus Rex" container all the way to the top.

As you watch this wonderful sight, an even more wonderful sight over rides the "keep your eyes on the beer" part of the brain.

Replacing it with commands from the "Sweet Jesus with a tittie fetish" part of the brain.

What exactly, you ask, could possibly over ride such a completely hardwired into the psyche brain command such as the "keep eye on beer" one is?

I'll tell you what!

Two of the most milky white, ample to the tenth power, flawless breasts that have now poured themselves all the way to the top of her overwhelmed, and undersized blouse.

A blouse that is so low cut to begin with, that the only portion of these mouth watering perfectly fashioned ear protectors that isn't visible, is the tiny mole underneath the firm fold of her mammalian magnificence.

Not visible that is, until even the high grade steel cable straps of her custom made bra simultaneously suffer "catastrophic structural failure."

Each one of these portable suspension bridges was designed and built by some of the world's best structural engineers.

Dedicated men that did their post graduate work in the field of "mega-boob dynamics" at the highly respected University of T&A. At the main campus in "Boulder" Colorado.

Alas! There are some forces of nature that man will never completely overcome.

But why oh why does this have to be one of them?

There is some good news that results from this tragic, and yet strangely wonderful upheaval.

Which is this;

It takes months, for a crack team of some the best boob men to be found anywhere, working around the clock, to build another harness, that for a little while, if she doesn't lean over, will be able to harness what is essentially unharness able.

Which is fine by me 'cause once you've seen them beauties, the first thought that runs through your head is that every one on the planet that is intent on restraining what neither God, Man, or even the "cloven hoofed one" ever dreamed of making captive, should at the exact same moment, have a fatal "accident".

And if we all stick together on the "fatal accident" story, there's no tittie hating jury on the planet that's gonna be able to prove anything!

Sure they'll suspect, but they'll be pounding sand if we just stick to the; "It was a series of simultaneous fatal accidents. It's a real shame" Game plan.

So as you see.

I've had beer. Beer has had me.

But I never pick up the beer.

*************************

From the synaptic "No fly zone" of wordwaymike
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JacksDad
Posts: 1985
Joined: Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:00 pm

Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

Post by JacksDad »

Nice trip.

I'll read your first post next.
wordwaymike
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:49 am

Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

Post by wordwaymike »

Hello Jack's Dad,

Glad that you enjoyed this one.

Hope that the other humor stories that I post here do their job, and make you laugh, or at least smile.

wordwaymike

I also have one posted on the political satire forum called; President Bush is a member of a secret cabal. The "Illuminutty."

Most people seem to either really like it or...

Well let's just say that the critisism of some folks towards the author of this humorous piece, (that would be me) seems to have less to with the humor of the piece, than it does with who the subjects of this satire are.

wordwaymike
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AussiePam
Posts: 9898
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:57 pm

Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

Post by AussiePam »

G'day WordWayMike - I thought you were an aussie as I started reading yer story. Then you mentioned the Uni at Boulder (though there's a lot of Aussie neuroscientists there) and spelled colour wrong! Grin.

:sneaky:
"Life is too short to ski with ugly men"

wordwaymike
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:49 am

Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

Post by wordwaymike »

Hello AussiePam,

I'm glad that you liked this one. Even though My spelling doesn't conform to the international "i" before "e" and "u" after "o" in "color" consortium that has gained the upper hand down under.

Us Yanks are a stubborn, inbred lot, that seem to delight in making up our own grammatical rules as we go along. Always attempting to turn some bulky, over-lettered piece of word-gristle into a more streamlined offering.

Anyway, I'm glad that you posted a response to my little humour/humor endeavor.

wordwaymike
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AussiePam
Posts: 9898
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:57 pm

Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

Post by AussiePam »

Stone the bloody crows, Mike, Cobber!!!

I've always been interested in language, and enjoy the many streams of English. As you obviously do too. I guess in all English speaking countries there is a preferred acceptable usage at any time - both in vocabulary and syntax. Strine still tends to follow a lot of British usage and spelling, though Americanisms and pronunciation are steaming in, full speed. (And we've always had the benefit of Irish bolshieness to liven things up).

If a fellow Aussie moans to me about American spellings or more often words like "gotten" - I like to refer them to "forgotten' and "begotten" - which still show the older forms.

My mum used to complain when someone called aitch, 'haitch' - which is what anyone did here if they went to a Catholic school with Irish nuns/brothers. It's correct in Irish English.

I've always wanted an acceptable Aussie equivalent for the Southern American yall, yalls. Yorkshire dialect still keeps a distinction in hanging onto the singular.. tha and tha's.

The other form I'd really like someone to develop properly is a non gender specific possessive pronoun for his/her. Using 'their' fills the bill but doesn't feel right to me. Yet.

Australia now exports a lot of soapies to Britain, and apparently this has played its part in broadsiding the plummy BBC-favoured "received pronunciation" of the upper classes. The American film industry apparently has to settle these days for 'estuary English' when casting Pommy baddies or strong stiff upper lipped heroes.

But language is not static, and there are also different levels of speech, and a myriad of local variations as well, to add colour and meaning. A good wordsmith uses everything available - judiciously. Grin.

Gosh.. it's a sunny Sunday afternoon, and I'm sitting inside raving on instead of getting my running shoes on and wandering off to Canberra's Floriade spring festival...

Have a nice day!
"Life is too short to ski with ugly men"

wordwaymike
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:49 am

Beer picks me up. It's the liquor picker upper!

Post by wordwaymike »

Hello again, Aussie Pam,

Thank you for your follow up, and I have to say quite wonderful mosey and meander down your local paths and trails of spoken venacular, word verbiage vocalized, and the local flourishes of phonetic fauna and flora that attaches itself to language, as it "makes port", or "jumps ship" somewhere else in the world.

I now have a new collection of the most amazing "connectivities" (God! I love making up words!) between what I was sure a word meant, and now realize what it could also mean somewhere else, and in fact does.

I did a shoot from the hip treatise not too long ago, on how just the "nuanced" differences between meanings assigned to a word here in the U.S. and in Britain,(or for that matter Australia) could evoke radically different sub-conscious core value symbology, and imagary in those listening, or reading the word/phrase construct.

Using as an example, to make my point, an American at a Royal function, (and there fore, one could assume, on his very best behavior) who is in close proximity to the Queen (God bless her!) and listening to a "Command Performance" by a highly gifted, British comedic wordsmith.

And at the same moment as this Yank is attempting to take another "socially acceptable" sip of milk, during the British comedians monologue, he hears a "word/phrase" that to his English counterparts evokes the slightly amusing imagary of a little too much Victorian ankle being displayed in public;

But these same words necklaced in this same phrase to this American's ear, or any other American's ear, evokes the sub-conscious, foundational mental imagary of a monkey fu**ing a football, that is stuck in the crown jewels atop "Her Majesty's" noggin.

Resulting in the immediate "faux pas" of milk shooting out of the nose of said poor relation from "accross the Pond" in front of the Queen Mother!

Bad Form Indeed!

But the serious point that I was attempting to make by this ridiculous analogy is still valid. At least I believe that it is.

And that is; What we believe to be slight variations in a word's "meaning" between what ever "here" and what ever "there" you care to name, can have elemental differences in how they are processed. And what emotion/reaction results.

I even went on to explain in my; "What constitutes "Milk shot out the nose funny?"

That the reverse holds true as well.

Although I am still working on how I can get the proper "word/phrase" into the ear of a Brit, who is at a White House function, and in proximity to the President of the United States, while attempting to take a "socially acceptable" sip of milk, when I utter the "magic" phrase.

That will result in the milk accellerating out of this poor man's nostrils, with enough force to splash and splatter all over the undeserved dignity of our current president!

As you can see, like all, I have a dream!

I really did enjoy your post. You have wonderful command of your particular brand of the English language. And please feel free to send more of same this way when ever you like.

I will talk with you on the round-a-bout Pam.

wordwaymike
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